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    • #726596
      J J

      Reading about women who compliment us when we are en femme got me thinking about why they do, which led to why men don’t.

      Is it because when are not really threatened by us, and can affirm our choice by tossing out a compliment? While men may question their own masculinity when they see us en femme? I have always felt a good portion of homophobia is because most men have some interested and/or desire for their own sex. Because of that they subconsciously question their own sexuality and lash out i. negative ways. How many homophobes have been caught having same sex affairs? A few predominant politicians come to mind.

      I wonder if the same is true for dressing??? I suspect many/most men would enjoy, or have enjoyed, dressing to some level, and because of those thoughts and how they challenge their masculinity lash out against it. Women have no such issues and can be free to toss out a nice compliment which I take as an affirmation that it is okay to be me, even if that means wearing a dress. They could have said nothing if they felt it was so wrong. That is, of course, if they read us, which for many of us they likely have if they are up that close.

    • #726599

      JJ, I totally agree with your assessment of the male persona.  Most men have had the desire or have tried the wonderful lifestyle we enjoy.  Most ran  out due to society pressure.  Women for some reason don’t have the fear and insecurity males have.  That makes them at ease with us.  Some are flattered that we try to emulate their best qualities.  Others applaud the effort we have made as they know it’s not easy.  Still others just accept us as  the nice people we are.  Compliments come as they not threatened by us.

    • #726609
      Janet Woodham
      Duchess - Annual

      I totally agree and I also suspect many men are secretly attracted to CDs and trans women although they never will choose for various reasons, some good, to admit it.

    • #726612

      Hi JJ,

      So here is my totally unscientific and barely substantiated belief.

      It would appear to me that the ultimate ‘goal’ of any of the human species is to be a male.  In most the animal world, males are dominate and the ultimate male ultimately dominates.

      To want to attain to anything less is looked upon – whether outwardly ridiculed or inwardly disdained by others – as to be considered  less of a male.

      For example, women who dress and tend to be in a dominate role, while questioned at times, are also considered as wanting to fulfill that role.  Now many males will look at that and inwardly laugh knowing that it will never happen, but they understand that, well, of course, others would want to meet that standard of expectation and so in varying degrees put up with that obvious female confusion.

      Now consider men who for whatever reason and however they go about it, appear to not want to aspire to that ultimate goal of being a MAN!!!!  Not only is it looked down upon in so many ways, but some seem to almost consider it something akin to a disease that could easily affect others, thus leading to the ultimate destruction of the dominate male.

      There are some enlightened people out there, probably more than are willing to admit, but it’s generally those fearful of some kind of attack on male machismo that are the most vocal and strident and quick to find some way to criminalize or at the least totally ostracize those who don’t conform.

      Well, that’s my take, which again is unscientific, but after living for a lot years, that’s what I’ve concluded by my observations.  YMMV

      Hugs, ChloëC

      • #726655
        J J

        I am not sure I fully understand your point. First, the male is not dominant in most animals, far from it. It is true in some herd species of mammals, but certainly not in birds, fish and reptiles, to name just a few groups.  Even in mammals, solitary species are not male dominate, mostly, and even in some group species, like lions and elephants the male is not dominant.

        There are tons of successful women who are not trying to be men, just trying to run things, and they tend to do a good job, and often a better job then men. I do agree as primates we do live in a male dominant society, and males do not want to give up power (just look at Washington DC), and fear of that threat probably is a factor. But, if that is a major factor then men should be happy if more men dressed and thus were “out of the competition”. We should be no threat to them and therefore of little to no consequence, and yet they have often big issues so I feel there has to be some other reasons at work. Same would apply to their homophobia, which, I suspect has more to do with their inner desires then the outward competition.

    • #726643
      Angela Booth

      I can understand the line that men who are fearful have other objectives or reasons to show disdain and evidence can support this.

      My view is that due to evolution, societal expectations and other factors being outside the norm causes the fear. It isn’t just crossdressing as anything outside the ‘norm’ is often met with some kind of hostility.

      From my experience in coming out to males is varied. One I know won’t accept it as I had a long conversation with his wife who is fine with it and said the grown up children, all boys, would be okay but the dad wouldn’t. Now I know a lot about his background so fully understand as it is based on family, religion and where a male is in society. However with the others it has been accepted without question but one who is uncomfortable, again due to upbringing., but he has not dismissed me.

      Woman are different. As a male who pays an interest in women then what  for and why? Again societal norms play a part, so is it for sexual attraction which makes a male a threat, as such a basic female instinct. Even if they see it as friendship such as a workplace they will be guarded. If you appear as a female the threat is lessened and they can be amenable towards you. I have found that once women find that you are not a threat and you are engaging as a woman then the barriers are down and integration into their world accelerates. My experience has led to being involved in some interesting conversations which I doubt any man would hear in their presence.

    • #726745

      Hi, JJ, this is such a thought provoking post.  Thanks for bringing it up.

      I hope that what I am about to say doesn’t offend anyone, but I’m answering this question as a heterosexual male that is attracted to women.  Firstly, I think that any heterosexual male who is attracted to women, has a tendency to look at women to determine whether or not they think that the female that they are seeing is attractive to them.  When we look at a crossdresser, or any male presenting as a female for that matter, we go through the same process.  If you find either yourself attractive, or another male presenting as a female attractive, it causes an uncomfortable feeling in a heterosexual male and you subconsciously start to then question your heterosexuality.  As crossdressers, we have overcome those feelings.

      So, I believe that is the reason that it is difficult for most males to accept us.  I personally, have processed these feelings in my brain, and while I can be attracted to a male presenting as a female, I now consider it as not threatening to my sexuality, but just knowing that the person I am looking at would normally be what I am attracted to in a woman.

      As to why females can seem to accept us , I believe that there is no sexual attraction to us by a heterosexual female, so they just see it as an interesting presentation, and something to be praised for our efforts to actually emulate them.

      Now, I know this is a heavy post, and I apologize in advance for that, but I wanted to throw in here too, in light of what I just said that wives and significant others who are in completely heterosexual relationships often have problems with their loved one presenting as females, because the male that they love is gone when they present as a female,  and they no longer are attracted to them.

      So, I believe that it is the attraction of heterosexual males and females that causes the reactions that we get.


      • #727359

        Very good explanation Jennifer…. I agree.

    • #726894
      Peggy Sue Williams
      Duchess - Annual

      The question asked was, “Are men fearful or threatened”?

      It has been my experience over the years, when I am out in public cross dressed, to encounter males of all types.

      The majority of males are the silent type and will say nothing but will check you out, and a good number of males these days are completely uninterested in females of any type.

      Some men are confident and secure enough if they like a piece of jewelry, dress, shoes, or any other items you are wearing, they will compliment you on the item and sound very confident while they are doing it.

      A few men have looked at me with some sort of silent cautious curiosity.  I suspect they may be CDs or want to be CDs or are dabbling in it in the closet.

      Finally, yes, I do believe some men do feel threatened and are fearful of us.  Our femininity is something they are in denial of in their own lives.  We represent an internal conflict that is going on inside them between their extreme masculinity and their desire to explore their feminine selves.  They express that conflict by showing hostility toward us.


    • #726903

      Interesting thoughts. When women compliment me, I tend to think they’re doing it to be nice, since I think that I usually look a bit silly, I just assume they’re trying to make me feel better. I am grateful all the same, I just take it with a grain of salt. The men who have given me compliments are people I know are very comfortable and secure with themselves. I’ve never had anyone be mean. One guy did call out to his friends asking, “is that a guy or a girl?” I felt a bit awkward, but I don’t think he was trying to be mean, more like he wanted to make a bet with his friend.

      In general, people tend to interact with norms and norm violations in similar ways. It doesn’t really matter what the rule is. What’s interesting to me is that sometimes people seem to make a bigger deal out of smaller things while ignoring more important issues with real consequences. I mean, who cares what someone is wearing compared to some of the other serious issues in the world?

      I think many people just feel threatened by difference. It’s like they think if one thing is different, then the whole world is going to unravel or something.

    • #727265

      I don’t think it has anything to do with being fearful or threatened.

      What I’m about to say is generalities or stereotypes, and not necessarily universal truths.

      Women complement women all the time.  Examples are “I love that dress”, or “Those earrings are super cute.

      Men don’t tend to compliment men on their appearance. They’ll compliment on their things. “Nice car!”

      Women don’t compliment men, except perhaps their SO’s. Otherwise it is a perceived as flirting or more.

      Men compliment women in a general way, as in “You look nice” and almost never something specific (unless asked a direct question).

      Under these assumptions, I wouldn’t expect men to compliment a CD’er, but you might get a woman complimenting one if something stands out in their outfit.

      • #727439

        Alison I think you got it spot on.
        Sarah xx

    • #727344

      Assuming that your purpose is to be seen as a woman in public and not just getting out, presentation be darned. Another woman may give a compliment just to start a conversation. Or see how you react or sound if they have doubts.

      Men rarely engage with unknown women unless they’re flirting. Women don’t appreciate unwanted attention, no comments offered is being respectful. Being ignored is an affirmation of a presentation well done.

      If a man has doubts about you, isn’t fearful or threatened the same emotion? He won’t want to engage in public conversation regardless. I think that most men have their masculinity threatened by a woman that knows more about cars, sports, guns than they do, than a CD grocery shopping.

    • #727712

      I think it has to do with societal pressure that men can’t be seen as feminine. So when they see other men in female clothes or doing things that are considered feminine they can’t understand it. Society for the last 500 years or so has been focused of male dominance, females are considered as a lower class. Women couldn’t vote, couldn’t own property, couldn’t work, were considered property. Most of the cross dressing laws were focused on women, making sure they don’t dress too masculine. Women wearing pant’s was a big no-no. Women couldn’t even act in plays in theatres, men had to dress as women to play women parts.

      Now we see the opposite happen, men dressing female is frowned upon.

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