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Like the title says, I am at a crossroads and I would love to get some feedback. I have been a CD since I was a teenager! So, its been a lifelong struggle. I am married with a wonderful daughter, they are both great. My wife accepts the CD side of me and my daughter thinks I am cute 🙂 I mean, a few years ago my wife and I went to a Halloween party dressed as Bride and Groom…only I was the Bride, complete with an absolutely beautiful satin gown! And we had a blast.
Anyway. Within the last 5 years or so my cross dressing has morphed into more of a transgender mindset. I don’t know, maybe at 50 years old the T has drained out of my body! I feel I am no longer just getting excited wearing women’s cloths, but the excitement I experience is that I actually feel more “right” and “correct” in them now! Only within the last year, I have found the courage to go out in public wearing nothing but FEM attire. My favorite is a cute pair of jeans, a nice top or pink sweat-shirt, and a pink hat. Kind of that girl-next-door look. I go out shopping, to dinner, out for errands, all with my wife and kid. Its taken some time, but the more I go out like that, the more I don’t care what others will think! So, that all makes me feel very positive.
Here’s my issue. My wife wants me to go see a therapist. Mostly because I am almost 50 and I have to admit, I have not yet “found myself”, and there are few other issues at home. I told her I would do that, but I wanted to find one that specializes in LGBT so I can dig a little deeper into my head and see if I can get some of my feminine traits to the surface. The part of this that scares me most, and keeps me up at night, is that by going to therapy, I may actually get the bottom of this, and discover that I really am having Gender Dysphoria and that I am Trans.
Like I said before – my wife is good with me dressing. Although I will admit that sometimes she will ask me to change a certain item if we are going out. For example, she wanted me to change from my PINK baseball hat to a blue one. I think the best way to describe it is that she did not want me “too girly”. But, then again, she tells me not worry about what others think of me and to do what makes me happy. I am having trouble reading her! We have had many pillow talk conversations about my feelings and my fantasies of being a girl. But I am not sure how she would take it if I ever decided to actually fully come out. I am not out at work, or with certain friends and family.
I would never want to loose my wife and my family. I know she supports and loves me but I also know she married a male, who is the father of her child and her intimate partner. I have had a fantasy of being a girl and being with a man, but I am also still very much attracted to women. Its a conundrum! I see a pretty girl and I am either thinking I would like to have had someone like that! Or, gee – I wish I had HER body!
So that’s my crossroad! What if the therapist tells me “yup, you have dysphoria here’s a subscription to HRT”. Just as much as really deep down I think that would make the most sense, and would COMPLETE me, it scares the total crap out of me!
If you read this far – thank you!
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