- This topic has 16 replies, 14 voices, and was last updated 1 year ago by
.
- Posts
Like the title says, I am at a crossroads and I would love to get some feedback. I have been a CD since I was a teenager! So, its been a lifelong struggle. I am married with a wonderful daughter, they are both great. My wife accepts the CD side of me and my daughter thinks I am cute 🙂 I mean, a few years ago my wife and I went to a Halloween party dressed as Bride and Groom…only I was the Bride, complete with an absolutely beautiful satin gown! And we had a blast.
Anyway. Within the last 5 years or so my cross dressing has morphed into more of a transgender mindset. I don’t know, maybe at 50 years old the T has drained out of my body! I feel I am no longer just getting excited wearing women’s cloths, but the excitement I experience is that I actually feel more “right” and “correct” in them now! Only within the last year, I have found the courage to go out in public wearing nothing but FEM attire. My favorite is a cute pair of jeans, a nice top or pink sweat-shirt, and a pink hat. Kind of that girl-next-door look. I go out shopping, to dinner, out for errands, all with my wife and kid. Its taken some time, but the more I go out like that, the more I don’t care what others will think! So, that all makes me feel very positive.
Here’s my issue. My wife wants me to go see a therapist. Mostly because I am almost 50 and I have to admit, I have not yet “found myself”, and there are few other issues at home. I told her I would do that, but I wanted to find one that specializes in LGBT so I can dig a little deeper into my head and see if I can get some of my feminine traits to the surface. The part of this that scares me most, and keeps me up at night, is that by going to therapy, I may actually get the bottom of this, and discover that I really am having Gender Dysphoria and that I am Trans.
Like I said before – my wife is good with me dressing. Although I will admit that sometimes she will ask me to change a certain item if we are going out. For example, she wanted me to change from my PINK baseball hat to a blue one. I think the best way to describe it is that she did not want me “too girly”. But, then again, she tells me not worry about what others think of me and to do what makes me happy. I am having trouble reading her! We have had many pillow talk conversations about my feelings and my fantasies of being a girl. But I am not sure how she would take it if I ever decided to actually fully come out. I am not out at work, or with certain friends and family.
I would never want to loose my wife and my family. I know she supports and loves me but I also know she married a male, who is the father of her child and her intimate partner. I have had a fantasy of being a girl and being with a man, but I am also still very much attracted to women. Its a conundrum! I see a pretty girl and I am either thinking I would like to have had someone like that! Or, gee – I wish I had HER body!
So that’s my crossroad! What if the therapist tells me “yup, you have dysphoria here’s a subscription to HRT”. Just as much as really deep down I think that would make the most sense, and would COMPLETE me, it scares the total crap out of me!
If you read this far – thank you!
With time comes clarity. It seems that you already know deep down where you want to go, like all major decisions in life there are pluses and minuses. The unknowns are scary, how will everybody around you react, will you keep what you have?
The real question, how far do you have to go to feel fulfilled? Life is a compromise, can you go far enough to feel fulfilled yet not so far you lose the things dear to you?
None of us live in a vacuum, I know if I lived in alone it would be HRT, an orchi at least and would progress from there, but I don’t. Its a balancing act!
Zenn
One thing to keep in mind, is that it doesn’t have to be one or the other. Sometimes, within the cross dressing or trans communities, people seem to think or act like a person has to be all male or all female. When we cross dress, we tend to emphasize going “all the way.” I get that. I have no personal desire to dress up “half way.” I’ve seen people who were “guys on top” (suit jacket and beard) but “ladies on bottom” (skirt with heels). I have no interest in mixing and matching in that way. When I am in guy mode, I dress like a guy. In girl mode, I go all the way. However, one of the things that I love about cross dressing, is that I feel like it permits me more freedom to be everything I am, as well as develop new qualities that many may not associate with one gender or another. Remember that gender in society isn’t just about clothing.
I think all of us have probably thought about transitioning at one time or another. I’ve thought about it a bit, and I asked myself a few as questions as part of trying to figure out myself.
1. What do I want to do as a woman, that I can’t do as a man?
For me, the answer was “nothing.” I wear what I want when I dress up, and any hobby or activity I imagine doing as one gender, I can imagine doing as another. If I want to make a quilt, I do. If I want to build something, I do. I don’t think hobbies should be gendered.
2. Do I have dysphoria? Do I hate my male body?
No. Even if I did, there is no amount of surgery or medication that is going to make me look like the “girl of my dreams.” Even if it could, how long would it last? Sooner or later, younger or older, all of us are going to have to learn to accept ourselves as we are. Even if I could take a magical pill and transform myself into a 25 year old, female, Olympic triathlete who is also a super model, I would still have to accept myself later as a 90 year old woman. I don’t mean to say that age cannot be beautiful, I just mean that self acceptance is something everyone has to learn at one time or another, there’s no getting around it.
3. Is being a woman really what I want? or do I just find the dominant male stereotypes and pressures unnecessary and not personally relevant. Men have a lot of social pressures. Pressure to be tough, to make lots of money, to be able to protect others, to never show certain kinds of emotions, be sexually aggressive or promiscuous, etc. Do I really want to be a woman? or do I just think that male dominant cultural expectations are stupid? It’s important to remember that women face lots of pressures too. As cross dressers, we do makeup and put on uncomfortable shoes for fun, but for many women, the expectation to do those things (and many other things) is oppressive. Learning to break free from unhealthy societal expectations is an important step for everyone, male and female, man and woman. Transitioning might change the pressures, but it doesn’t change the need to move beyond those pressures.
4. What does it even mean to be a man or a woman? Is it clothes? clothes are fun, but certainly that isn’t all. Is it personality traits? Is it hobbies? is the way people treat you? is it the way you treat others? These are big sociological questions, but I think it can help us realize if transitioning is really what we want, or if the issue doesn’t actually lie in some other aspect of our lives, or selves. We might get the courage to dress up and become a ‘cross dresser’ or even a woman for a period of time (if we’re able to pass well), but maybe the real source of discomfort is something else.
Finally, I just want to be clear that I don’t write this to judge or criticize anyone who does transition. I just wanted to share some of the thoughts that have gone through my mind as I’ve explored everything that is gender in our society. Thinking about these issues helps me be better, whatever outfit I have on.
Thank you…that was quite the reply. Lots of good insight. True I have alot to think about, but I am in no way in any rush to become a woman 100 percent yet. Slow and steady!
Hi Crystalline,
My view is that more knowledge is better than less knowledge. If a therapist helps you to know yourself better, that is a good thing. What you do with that knowledge is up to you. You will have choices about any plans of action if they are recommended. You can balance your choices about your personal development with the needs of your family. For many crossdressers, fear is the enemy. I hope that you do not prevent fear of what you may discover prevent you from examining your life.
– Robyn
Its great that you have enjoyed so much support from your wife, and I think part of showing your appreciation would be to seek counseling, together. That way, you go down the path of discovery together and can arrive at some consensus on how this all fits into your marriage.
I think you are off to an excellent start!
As a rule, those who have an existential need to go through the full, transition process are certain of the need at a youthful age. I suspect that you infer that because you have become accustomed to being and have become comfortable as a woman you must necessarily want to be a (legally and as anatomically as possible) female. The inference is not valid and your hesitancy is evidence that this is so.
On the other hand, you may feel that being your ‘true’ self you need to be invariably a woman and feminine. That this could be your natural personality and presentation.
Dr. Benjamin somewhat codified the transition process so that the individual involved progresses in a measured and sequential manner that permits acclimatization to the physiological, psychological and social changes, and these are significant. For the most part one is able to halt the progress at a stage that is comfortable and rewarding or, if desired, reverse the process.
For those who need to transition there is a degree disgruntlement with what is sometimes complained of as ‘gatekeeping’; especially with Real Life Experience (living a year completely feminine and as a woman) as they desire to complete the transition as quickly as possible.
Your desire to be a woman is not necessarily consistent with a desire to be female, nor is it necessarily inconsistent. Ultimately only you can decide who you want to be. In either case I would council you to be a lady. Also, a therapist who is genuinely cognizant of the relative issues can be very helpful.
Araminta.
Your topic hits close to me. I am soooo close to presenting as female 24/7. Might be a little inpracticale at work — the uniforms are mostly unisex and breast forms might get in the way.
When I have a couple days off and just in the house I dress female 24/7 –wearing guy clothes to do yard work only. I even do much of my shopping en femme.. Cassie
Dear Crystalline: thank you so much for sharing your experiences. I know so much of what you write, and share that feeling of fear and thrill. I’ve found just writing and”talking”on the group really helpful, and have always felt therapy to be beneficial. I’m in the UK but there is a clinic that has mentoring rather the therapy. It’s really helped me and is certainly less intimidating. Perhaps that might be worth thinking about?
Thanks though for sharing: it helps us all to know we are not alone in this!
Love Gabby
- The forum ‘General Chat “Life as it Goes On”’ is closed to new topics and replies.
Recent Comments