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So I know a person who is married, and is also a crossdresser. The Male S.Os femme self gets rather naughty with other men online. He feels that this is not being unfaithful to his wife,even when pictures are shared. She on the other hand, feels betrayed, but is unsure if she is just being selfish, or closedminded. what do you think?
Hmmm, that really depends on where your values lie. Some flirting is okay, I think many of us may engage in that to one degree or another at times – harmlessly. Gets ” rather naughty ” is a little vague, but if sexually explicit photos ar changed, that for me is crossing the line. Be it with another man or woman, crossdresser or not, is irrelevant. Mostly, it’s pretty ignorant and insensitive towards your partner, I’d think. You know, your partner ….. the one you love (?)
Just my old school 2 cents
Stevie
Similar topics have come up on advice columns numerous times, usually a spouse sending a lot of flirty texts or pictures to someone and hiding it from the other spouse. In all cases the columnist says it is at the very least emotional cheating. Sugar coating it doesn’t change the fact. The fact here that it is a crosdresser getting naughty with men doesn’t change anything either. It is definitely being unfaithful, and she has a right to feel betrayed.
IF you can restrict the definition of “unfaithful” to “doing it”, then this is not cheating. But pretend it is the GG spouse who is being naughty online. How would the husband feel about it? I place this in the category of foreplay, and absolutely verboten!
Bettylou
I can’t say that I’ve never been tempted. I can’t even say that I’ve never acted on those temptations, online. However, I do tend to think that such behavior tends to involve “playing outside of marriage.” If the CD didn’t want to stay with the wife, or thinks of the wife as only a friend, or thinks that polyamory or multiple partners is the way he has to go, he should at least discuss that with her, and be prepared for all possible outcomes.
I do believe that there is a strong, ethical component to marriage that any self-respecting person should adhere to. It is simply the right thing to do. Even in intimate matters there is the feelings of the other person to consider and consideration for others is a key element to being mornal.
On the other hand the paternalistic concept of one person ‘owning’ another person is repellent to me. Granted that should any person I feel to be in a relationship with, especially a formalized relation, engage in a sexualized relationship with another individual I would be initially hurt and my sense of proprietary rights would be outraged. But rationally it is the fear of abandonment more than anything else that raises such ire. Possibly in males it is an instinct to insure the perpetuation of one’s own genes to the exclusion of that of other males. With females it appears to be a loss of security and the feeling of loss of affection. Certainly the concept of females as possessions (chattels) not only appears to persevere, but even to thrive.
Logically it is their body to do with as they wish. Logically so long as the love between us still thrives and they remain true to the commitment to be together, to be a family, where’s the harm. Logically, if I really love them should I place bounds on their affection? Surely I should choose rationality (which is not as emotionally cold as some may think because it means consideration for someone you love) over blind rage (which does not mean caring for others so much as selfishness).
Because I am married that does not mean that I do not find women attractive. I do not subscribe to the notion that one can only have one true love. I have had the privilege of being in relationships with several truly marvellous ladies, loved them all and remember them fondly. If there was any failure it was on my part and it is that failure I regret.
So, ultimately the concepts of ‘cheating’ or being ‘unfaithful’ ring false to me and seem to be contrived of (continuing the metaphor of bells) to be cast of cheap, flawed and miscast metal. Couples meet, come together for a time and sometimes part. Someone who joins to you for life is your friend and companion. Placing inequitable restrictions upon their behaviour is neither friendly nor companionable.
Even so, I would hope that these matters would be conducted openly and amicably. Alice Novics of, “Alice in Genderland”, spends one day of each week as a woman with her male lover. Her wife knows, does not really approve but understands and does not want to know the details. Or so my reading of that story goes. To many this would be repulsive but to me it seems equitable and conducive to the happiness of each person. Is not the “pursuit of happiness” considered by some to be an “inalienable right”?
On the other, other hand, Stevie is right. One must consider the needs, sensitivity and right to awareness of anyone with whom you have made a compact. Emotional entanglements have a cost that needs to be considered and sometimes that is, in fact, the relinquishing of one’s freedom to act on impulse.
Love means trust but it is also means forgiveness when that trust seems broken. At least that is how I interpret the words of a man speaking a couple of millennia ago.
Araminta.
If someone in a marriage has to find excitement outside of the marriage in any way that is cheating. It is also dangerous and in many cases hurtful to the point of ruining a marriage.
I bet the other partner is thinking am i not enough? Do i not give excitement? If they will go this far how much further will it go?
I think he should stop and think about what he or she wants. But also be prepared for some one to hack their computer or even stalk and possibly blackmail.
Stevie
To me, cheating is cheating. When you enter into marriage, you are giving your S.O. your sacred word of honor that you will be faithful to them. And when you have ANY kind of sexual encounter (real or virtual) with anyone OTHER than your S.O. (without your S.O.’s blessing), that’s marital infidelity and it’s wrong.
Love you Sis…
Dr.T.J.
So I know a person who is married, and is also a crossdresser. The Male S.Os femme self gets rather naughty with other men online. He feels that this is not being unfaithful to his wife,even when pictures are shared. She on the other hand, feels betrayed, but is unsure if she is just being selfish, or closedminded. what do you think?[/quote]
I am going to work this question backwards.
She feels betrayed. Is she selfish , close-minded ? Perhaps she is, but those are her feelings and she has every right to her feelings as he does to his. However, he seems to be indifferent to her feelings and prioritize his feelings over her and the marriage. Her acceptance of his crossdressing I would imagine had caused her to already deal with conflicting feelings and emotions, but she appears to have set those aside to allow him the privilege and pleasure to enjoy and express his own feelings. Is he cheating? I am not one to answer that because my understanding of cheating would be different than most peoples. I will say this though, I would never disrespect or dismiss my partners feelings after she granted me already so many concessions. Unless I was attempting to destroy my marriage, i would draw some heavy boundaries around myself and sit down and discuss her feelings, allow her to work through them, assure her that she is the most important person in my life and give her the respect of acting appropriately while I am dressed.
If the SO isn’t ok with it, then they feel like they are being cheated on.
It’s good that he’s open with her that he has been sharing this. However, if it bothers your SO/life partner/spouse….should you be doing this?
Either you respect them, or you don’t.
If you’re going to knowingly do something that bothers them, ask why you’re doing this and telling them you did it. Are you TRYING to hurt them? Or are YOU the one being selfish? Maybe you don’t want to be with your SO any longer and are creating a reason to split…
I would say they have 3 options really… stop it unless she says ok, do it and stop telling her you did it, or talk to a 3rd party about this and see what they think and where this relationship is going…simple.
My two cents….
Take care XOXO
If one is engaged in a behavior to which one’s significant other objects, one is cheating. The key is that both have to understand and agree what behavior(s) is (are) forbidden. Some couples don’t want each other even looking at other people. Some tolerate a little playful flirtation. Some have “open” relationships. In the case Lisa described, I say the husband is being unfaithful.
I’d like to get some opinions of another situation. Say that a CD has come out to his wife, and she rejected him. She wants nothing to do with his feminine side. She doesn’t want to see him en femme. She is not interested in learning about cross-dressing or why her husband does it. She does not want to talk about it, and insists that he choose between her and being a CD. The husband makes an effort to quit for her, but, as happened every other time he quit, he goes back to dressing up. He reluctantly brings the subject up to her again, knowing how she is going to react, and makes the case that he can’t quit. She doesn’t want to hear that, but accepts that he really can’t quit and agrees to him enjoying his feminine side as long as he keeps it away from her and their kids. She doesn’t want to talk about it any more. She tells him to do what he needs to do, just leave her out of it. He resumes dressing. As he dresses more, he finds himself wanting his feminine image to be as realistic as possible and to experience more and more as a woman. He goes out in public en femme, multiple times. Finally, curiosity builds about what it would be like to be with a man as a woman. He hasn’t acted on that curiosity, but is concerned about what he’d do if he found himself in a situation where he could. Does the understanding that he can do what he wants as long as he keeps it to himself still apply? What do you think?
This is a lot tougher question than some may realize. If a married spouse (male and/or female) has friends of the opposite sex, which btw I see fairly regularly, is spending time with them in a friendly setting being unfaithful? Is that cheating? Does the sex of the partner dictate exactly who and who can’t be friends? The real issue as suggested by the OP is, does the wife have fears that the her husband in dress is going beyond the bounds of friendly behavior? Do the males that the husband is communicating with understand that he is in a committed relationship? Do they even know that the husband is a crossdresser?
On this site, I would guess that there are a significant number of cd’s who communicate on here with minimum, or less, knowledge by the significant other. We cover lots of questions and concerns here, some becoming rather intimate in nature. Would a spouse accidently finding out be upset and consider that her husband might be hiding more than even coming on here?
If I have a hobby like gardening or working on high performance cars or bodybuilding and my spouse fully accepts that there are times I want to be alone with my hobby, or pastime, or activity that I use to just relax, and it may even take me away from the house and her, how is that different than fulfilling one’s inner desire to dress. Except, of course, there’s that sexual aspect which in our culture now makes it more questionable and suspicious, whether it really is, or isn’t.
My spouse has had over the years occasional males she has been friendly with most if not all whom I find acceptable but not interesting enough for me to be friends with (one or 2, I thought were a little much). Do I have tinges of jealousy at times? Of course, as I suspect she might have had with the (very) few women I’ve been friendly with but she hasn’t. Have we said anything to the other about our concerns? Very little at the beginning, and hardly anything now because I, and I believe she does, we both have learned to have a trust in each other that these friendships are strictly on a basic friendly level and nothing more, and nothing will come ever come of it and nothing ever has.
So, I would say that this couple really needs to sit down and talk over their concerns…and desires. He may have to give a little, she may have to give a little. They both have to agree to boundaries that each can live with, and be reasonably confident that the other is as fully committed to the relationship as they are. If not or they can’t, their marriage is in a lot more trouble than they may understand, and the wife’s fears might be justified.
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