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I learned that sometime one just has to trust the love and security of a relationship but I also learned the critical importance of honest communication.
On the down side, I learned that sometimes we can be so wrapped up in ourselves that we fail to consider how our actions and attitudes affect those around us.
Jane,
That is the one thing that I have noticed through all that I’ve read is that despite the relief and excitement that will undoubtedly come, It won’t be relief or excitement for her. I have know about this for several decades where this revelation will change her whole outlook on me and our relationship.
I have already come to realize that I can’t push anything but let it come to me. I have always supported her and my focus will be her, not “Hannah”.
Thanks for responding Jane!
Hannah
[quote quote=50160]I have always supported her and my focus will be her, not “Hannah”.[/quote]
Hannah, therein lies the secret. By supporting her you will also be supporting Hannah. It is very hard to find happiness with our femme side if we don’t have a happy and harmonious home life.
[quote quote=50160]Jane, That is the one thing that I have noticed through all that I’ve read is that despite the relief and excitement that will undoubtedly come, It won’t be relief or excitement for her. I have know about this for several decades where this revelation will change her whole outlook on me and our relationship. I have already come to realize that I can’t push anything but let it come to me. I have always supported her and my focus will be her, not “Hannah”. Thanks for responding Jane! Hannah [/quote]
Everybody’s situation is different, but for me my wife basically shrugged and said, “Whatever.” The only thing that gave her a moment’s pause was when I asked her to help me “figure out” my femme name. For whatever reason, that idea was really off-putting to her. And I’m such a knucklehead, I asked for her help a few times before I caught the idea that she wasn’t keen on even pondering it, let alone helping me with it.
When I came out to my wife she was struggling hard to understand what I had told her. What it meant.
I have to say my wife works in a hospital as a nurse in the surgery room. And every week.they perform transgender surgeries.
While she was taking in my words I saw her move between sadness, disbelieve, anxiety and beimg scared. Our love is strong and she was hurt by this. Could she trust me, what would this do for our relationship, asking why, but her most important question was what would be next. Was this a first step of me to become a woman?
I have no desire to transition, yet her only point of reference was what she sees at her work. Looking back I totally missed that she did not even know the existence of crossdressing, which is my preference. I totally forgot to look at it from her perspective.
Since then I have been taking it slow and on her pace. We are fine although the Liv topic is not touched upon often. I am aware I have a head start of 35 plus years, so I am not expecting her to catch up in a couple of months.
We are together and love each other. Like you girls describe honest communication is key. and I believe we should adjust to the pace of our wives.
Thank you for posting this topic Hannah.
I’ve been married for 39 years and have been crossdressing since I was 5 years old but only came out to my wife 2 years ago. When I told her, she thought I was telling her this because I was leaving her. Can you imagine? She thought I was leaving her! Before I came out to her, I agonized about it for weeks and had several sleepless nights. Why after 37 years of marriage (at the time) did I feel so compelled to come out to her? I still don’t know why but I had to do it. I was worried what she would do – would she leave me, or … who knows? So, when she told me that she thought I was leaving her I was devastated. I couldn’t believe that I hurt her this way as I still love her dearly. I was prepared for the usual “why did you keep this secret” discussion but not this. It still hurts me to think about this even as I write it. Once the shock was over I got the expected “what else are you not telling me”? It took her a while to figure out how she felt about my dressing. When I asked I got “I don’t know” but she didn’t object to me dressing in front of her. Fast forward to today, two years later, now we go shopping together for all kinds of clothes. She even shops without me and brings me home all kinds of skirts, dresses, panties, etc. I still think that she gets a little weirded out once in a while but she never objects. I think her love of shopping and having a new shopping buddy has helped her accept the idea.
Geez Candi, when I first started reading what you wrote, I thought it was going to end up sad 🙁
I’m so happy that it/you have a happy ending 🙂
You and your wife kinda sound like my wife and I.
I think she likes having a shopping buddy too!
And, for Valentines Day, she handed me a cute little Victoria Secret bag. I thought it was a gag gift, but,nope! She got me 2 pairs of new panties 🙂Brandy
The topic is why this website is so important to me we share the same anxieties when it comes to our most private feelings of feminity. Unfortunately, I couldn’t tell my wife about my crossdressing… I dressed when she wasn’t around. You guessed it, she came home early and met Leonara… I couldn’t face her enfemme and we set down to talk in drab.she saw the signs when I left a coffee cup around with lipstick stains, she feared another woman!!!. Secrets why .. Is this a fetish or do you want to be a woman??? etc. etc. we talked and when the conversation reached a point … I asked her would u help me with my makeup.. Her response ” I don’t think so”! Our relationship evolved where we purchased together panties, stockings, camisoles for ME.
We even went for manicures together, however I still dress but my lady prefers I dress in private when she is not home…our love of 46 years has kept us together and I embrace my enfemme time when I get the chance. Most of all communication is most important. I just hope my story just might help .
LeonaraYou know, comfort can sometimes go too far.
These days my wife is quite willing to suggest “Oh that looks terrible on you” knowing that I value her opinion. Of course, that also means that it reinforces my belief that I have terrible taste. 😉
Worst thing was that my wife’s introduction to Gina was too much for her to bear. It cost us a marriage after many years together. She just couldn’t deal with it. The one thing I learned was to be up front about Gina with everyone from the beginning. It has saved much heartache. Now everyone meets Gina first anyway so the cards are dealt face up from the beginning. I have found it’s better that way.
I mentioned this b4 in another topic..I jst cant remember..lol but, the best thing is we seem even more closer..which was hard to think as we were very very close b4 I told her..and now it’s like awesome match made in heaven or hell as we can be very devious and mischievous..lol..actually no worse thing has happened or come up yet really..so I guess I cant answer that part..but I know some have some tough roads to walk and my heart goes out to them hoping things will always get better.xoxo
The best that happened is when it finally came out in the open. We went thru my telling her I wore panties a year ago. She was ok with that as long as they were panties made for men with a pouch. Finally a couple of weeks ago I said I wanted to wear a bra. I was walking around trying to figure a way to tell her. We starting talking and she dragged the bra wearing out of me. The worst thing that happened from all of this is no more intimate relations. She has a hard time not thinking of me as a girl wearing panties and bra.
The worst .. my wife outted me to my children, family, friends and even my parents. Best .. she’s no longer my wife!
My wife already knew I liked women’s clothing from long back in our relationship – before we were married, for our 3rd w Valentine’s day together, I bought her a sexy maid outfit, knowing she’d refuse to wear it so I could let her know there and then and get the heartache over with.
It went to plan, except she thought I was just parking about when I wore it, and served her champagne, strawberries and chocolate and the mood was not right for a full “out”.
Roll forward 17 years, and I gave the full put last November after joining this site.
She gave me the green light to go anywhere I liked, fully dressed. That was the best thing. Acting on it was even better than I ever hoped.
Yet the worst thing is that I have lines over which I must not cross. Like letting our children see.
That makes it harder than ever to find Laura time, which I have not managed this year.
Our work situations mean that I end up with the kids every day until bed time, and the eldest stays up late.
I am working on it. I have to, to preserve my sanity!
Love Laura
The best thing that has happened is that we have gotten even closer than before. The regret is not knowing how to explain it well when I first told her.
That is what I ‘m hoping for and how are you supposed to explain it to her when I don’t really know yet.
I’ve been dressing on and off sine I was 5-6 yo and I’m 65 now. The urge diminished after I left home for the military and college. Once we got married there were some soft things in her dresser for me to use for self gratification and a long night gown I would wear when she was out of town. The urge to dress really increased when my testosterone levels decreased with age. I started buying lingerie on line and used it when ever I could get away with it. Once I was so disgusted with myself (read guilt and shame) that I purged. Six or seven months later I started buying underclothes again and she finally caught me with pink/lace panties in my closet. A big fight ensued, why didn’t you tell me, do you like men, how long have you been doing this and she threatened divorce…..so I promised to quit and purged my wardrobe to save my marriage. Guess what, I started buying clothes 7-8 months later and got caught again. This time she is following through with the divorce. Right now we are separated but are talking and being civil with one another. She is living in our dream home, I am living in a rented room where I can freely dress as I please. She knows that trans-gendered/crossdressing is not what I do but rather who I am. I made it clear that I’m was out of the closet and not going back in. Both of us are pretty torn up after being together over 40 years and married 38+ years. We haven’t told the children yet and aren’t going to mention my trans-gendered cross dressing issues as the cause of the divorce unless they ask. I refuse to lie to my children, they deserve to know the truth. I’ve done some intense therapy with a gender dysphoria specialist and no longer am carrying around the big bag of guilt and shame. I have more work to do but am finally free to be the person God made me. Jesus loves me regardless of what I’m wearing and he also loves ALL of us unconditionally. Huggs Lacy
yes………He does………………….shave those legs………………do your makeup and thank Him for his blessings everyday………….
My wife and I are fine tuning our general communication with each other. I can’t really speak to how she’s grown specific to herself, but I can tell she has. We feel closer to each other, and we’ve both said as much to each other. It’s not been easy, it’s been real work. Work I’ve never known existed, but we’re there for each other without any doubt in my mind, and our love continues to grow because we tend to it and we know each other on a deeper level so that love can really be supportive and wonderful and free and easy and encouraging and THERE.
Don’t mean to get on a tangent but I’m not sorry. I love that woman. If I can stress anything it’s that finding support in your significant other is emotionally ground breaking albeit deeply vulnerable. She can accept me, but can I accept me? That’s my question. Can I know myself and bring that to her regardless of the fear I feel in doing so? Fear of loosing her perhaps? Of her not thinking I’m her man? Also my questions.
I’ve grown to know that I can talk to her about anything. She is my friend and confidant. Not all sunshine and roses we’ve both fought for that. I guess both the best and the hardest thing in all of this is realizing what we had between us and then going though the process of keeping it healthy and alive though. The waters may be choppy but we’re strong rowers together so it’s smooth sailing regardless.
Know that I’ve commented on this and replied previously, but another thought.
I’ve no clue as to the “why” part of my having a girly side a mile wide. I just know that it “is” and is NOT going to disappear, and try and make the best of it. As one now 7 or so years new to it in my early 50’s when this first arose? It was a massive adjustment for the wife as well as myself after 30 years of marriage at the time.
In closing again? Worst thing (but also in may ways tied with best thing) would be being being “outed” in my boy side FB page on my first “girl’s night out”. I never expected pics to be public and never gave a thought to the fact that I was the only one in that group that wasn’t sporting a “dual” profile on FB. Best? Wife knew before all that FB drama hit the fan, and those that unfriended me on FB tells me a lot more about them than I might have ever suspected in their proclaimed “tolerance”…
Interesting stat? In the aforementioned FB sampling? No men friends have abandoned me there. At the moment and to my reckoning and count? Only hard core Christian women have bailed…and I assume due to that Deut. 22:5 thang.
A quite intelligent discourse on the above scripture passage from Torah scholars below.
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