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Seen this discussed in different ways. But simply put, is your life easier or happier with SO knowing or when not knowing. My wife was tolerent of CDing during our 45 yrs, when she thought it was kinky or “fetish”. Realized reality and irrational purge during Covid. Individual and couple counseling helped some, with allowing at home and some occasions out. However disagreements by me or her arise, sometimes irrationally. Mostly that CDing gets taken further
Like CDH, forums or pics she feels is taken to extremes. Usually on CDH when she’s busy, showerimg, shopping or something on her own. She says don’t understand my need and compulsion for this. Try to explain my need to connect with friends that relate and have same connections. Don’t really have meaningful friendships or connections outside of CDH. Sorry for being Ginger downer. Just trying to deal with ups and downs of this journey we live.
Luv you all
GingerWell I’m my case it has made things better. Now I hope I’m not being selfish in saying that as maybe it isn’t for my wife deep down inside. Yes she has been great with most and even over time has let more things go forward for me . There has been ups and downs about the subject but nothing we didn’t work through. The fact of not hiding things all over the place , Only being able to dress when home alone , keeping toenails painted, wearing makeup. Things I would never or rarely get to do are some daily things, having a second dresser and closet full of heels and clothes. Her input and help on outfits and makeup, borrowing things for me now, asking for my help on what she is wearing. We have the understanding that if anything becomes too much or not in her wheel house we talk about it right away and always work out the details. Since coming out to her and then others we both have others to talk to about the subject. Now her support and understanding towards my crossdressing has grown as I have also.
Ginger, my life is much easier because my SO knows. I don’t get to do as much as I want to but then again I don’t have to hide anything. Sure I would love to have a girls night out with her and that may still happen. But I enjoy the simple things, like doing laundry. Some on this site have off site storage lockers to hang their laundry to dry.The only complaint I get is I have to many bras.
Laundry? You actually do laundry? Like in a washing machine thingy? Ewwwwww!!! That’s just plain nasty!! I do like watching the clothes go round and round in the dryer though, especially when a zipper whacks the glass and makes me jump!
Did I check the air pressure in my head this week? Better go check it now. Be right back.
Jill I not only due laundry but I seperate my whites from my dark’s and use non chlorine bleach when necessary. Heck, I also lay flat my silk’s to dry!
well I’ve done this laundry thing once before, once. I threw in one of this and a little of that, twisted some knobs, and said see you tonight when I get home. Three days later I couldn’t find my favorite white bra and remembered I washed it in that white box. Sooooo, I looked in the box and sure enough, there it was but it wasn’t white anymore, it was pastel pink! I thought WOW You put in one wardrobe and get a whole new one out. Now that’s what I call smart shopping! Everything was still wet so I remembered the other box will take care of that so I threw everything in there, twisted some knobs and, this is the tricky part here for all you rookies, this box has a knob you have to PUSH to get it to go. So I went shopping for another white bra instead of waiting for my pink one to get dry. Pretty darn smart eh?
Although reactions vary the fact she has a level of acceptance is good. However it is a tough for her as for you as neither really know where the boundaries are as they seem fluid. Some partners react in a similar way if their partner gets absorbed into a hobby and it seems to take over, but this is different as it is about the relationship and affections for the man in her life which opens a lot more doors to acceptance, doubts and confusion. It is down to communication, agreement and trying to see where it may go. Never an easy task but it is achievable if you understand yourself and know where you want to be and work with your wife to get to where it is comfortable for both of you.
I only know “with” but I wouldn’t trade its issues for the tsuris I see posted by my “without” sisters here at CDH.
Help me here with this post would someone please? I know it’s saying something. I should get the air pressure in my head checked this week.
Ginger –
I can understand your dilemma. It is not easy sometimes figuring out boundaries with a spouse. When I first came out to my wife she was shocked but we had many discussions and we came to an agreement that I could dress in private and only at home, my dressing was not to leave the hose. She recommended therapy, not to stop me but to understand myself. That did help honestly, probably one of the best things she suggested. Over the years, going on 4 years now, she has become more accepting of my dressing. Over the past year she helped me purchase a wig, pick out jewelry at craft fairs, given me some of her clothes that she purged from her closet, bought me make up and showed me how to use it, and just the other day we were shopping for new clothes for her and as we were finishing up she asked if Suzanne would like anything (led to me getting a new blouse). She cleaned her closet out the other day and I got to go thru things and try them on. She helped me and told me what fit and didn’t, gave me a couple scarves to try with a couple of the blouses and such. It was a fun girls afternoon (at least I looked at it that way). She said I looked pretty in what I tried on. Later that day she mentioned possibly going out dressed which I never thought would happen. Whether it becomes a reality or not remains to be seen.
In my opinion the most important thing is open, honest communication. I usually wait for her to bring it up so it is on her terms that we talk about it.
Wishing you the best.
XOXO
SuzanneIn my case I have a boyfriend, he knows and loves it (I wear romantic lingerie to bed) which definitely makes things easier and happier for me.
Sometimes we all get overwhelmed with emotions and respond to things not as well as we should. Perhaps, it might be fear of losing you, losing your relationship. Or just becoming insecure where she was comfortably secure before.
this stuff is tricky. Your gain might be seen as her loss.
I don’t know for sure, just saying maybe.Totally better that she knows. How else could I have my toenails cherry red, my ears pierced and sleep in fuzzy pink pjs/or lingerie. However I dont push it…much. And try not to go a level where she may be uncomfortable. So I find it best to take it slow and gradual with the hope that she will be ok with stephanie growing into herself.
Without a doubt, it is easier with my wife knowing. I had only resumed dressing 4 months before I told my wife. However, keeping that secret from my wife for those four months drove me insane and increased my stress to a level that my wife was ready to drag it out me when I did shared with her. That was almost seven years ago. I would be lying if I said it has been all sunshine and roses since, but I hate to think how much damage to our relationship keeping such a secret would have been over those same years. An unreserved sense of trust and openness in each other has always been an integrable part of our relationship.
MacKenzie Alexandra
Both my first and second wives knew I enjoyed cross dressing. It seemed to be entirely acceptable when it was viewed as a kink. During the second marriage, my self-awareness led me towards understanding my behavior as something other than a fetish, and I began pushing boundaries to an extent that my wife was increasingly uncomfortable with my cross dressing. I must say, that I did try to cut back but eventually, she sought to terminate the relationship. I have mixed emotions about the outcome, but at the same time I don’t think it would have been fair to hide my real self from her.
I feel it is much better if your wife knows…generally speaking. Obviously it depends on the wife and her reactions and deep down mindset. I have always felt it is better to not keep secrets about something so deep and important. I have it easy, and I know I am lucky. My wife knew of my interest in lingerie before we married and my dressing slowly, very slowly evolved from that and she knew all along, so it was a slow process and never a big the big shock of “oh my god my husband wants to wear a dress.”
For us, being open and honest about things and talking is critical. She knows she can ask me anything and I will give an honest answer. I have told her if I do anything that makes her uncomfortable she can tell me. She has never set any limitations, but I have also never pushed things too far, too quickly. So, yes for us it was/is best that she knows and it have worked very well so far.
Butting in as an SO here, I hope that’s okay.
My husband has told me it’s better for him now that I know. He hid it from me for almost 20 years. I won’t lie and say it’s all sunshine and roses, but I’d much rather know and know the real him and have him be open with me. I always felt like he was holding something back, but could never pinpoint what. We’re both still in our 40’s, so maybe that’s got something to do with my acceptance of it, but overall, I’m fine with his CDing. I worry more for how others will treat him. I’m the only one who knows at this point and it’ll likely stay that way for the foreseeable future.
Don’t get me wrong, life isn’t perfect. I get insecure. I wonder if I’m feminine enough for him. I worry that I’m “losing my man” as he shaves and starts to change before my eyes. I worry about how much further it could go down the road (I only discovered his CDing 4 months ago), but we’re working through it and he gets to be himself. We do still have kids at home though (teens/early 20’s), so it’s under-dressing only, trying things on in our room, or a little out around the house when they’re out or asleep only for now.
I’m trying to be supportive. I’ve helped pick out clothes, makeup, shoes, etc. It’s been equal parts awkward and fun, like having my own life-sized Barbie. LOL! I do hate when he beats himself up or questions himself. I know he feels like he’s burdening me. We go thru waves of him being elated that he’s got the weight off his chest since he’s out and I know, but then he feels that I now carry the burden of knowing and “dealing with it” (which I kind of do) and he feels guilt from that. I’m sure it’ll calm for us both with time. We’re definitely still in the adjustment period.
So, I’d say pros and cons to knowing, and each relationship is different, but I feel honesty is always best. It may be hard sometimes, but I’m glad I know.
Hi Dawn nice meeting you.
I held my feelings for many years and opened to my wife after 39 years of marriage. She went through all the questions, the emotional feelings and in time was accepting but with caution. I would have liked a more welcoming acceptance but was happy for what was offer and relieved that I didn’t have to hid it any more. my wife felt very much like yourself and is still dealing with this situation. It’s been almost 6 years since I opened up to her and even now she’s cautiously working out her fears.. Your a very special partner and very understanding for joining our site I must say. Your partner is so fortunate. It was a huge surprise for my wife and certainly very emotional. I have provided some thoughts and please it’s things I’ve experienced and readings from others to which helped me understand.
First, make sure that this is something you can deal with as it’s certainly very hard wrapping your head about it I must say. Seeing it with my wife’s her troubles dealings. You have to make that clear and be honest with him and yourself He will see this as I . My wife taljed to me and asked how far I wanted to take my cding. She realized there on how much I wanted to dress up. She gave me some space to store my things and some time to dress up comfortably.
you’ve taken the biggest step already in that you want to be supportive. He’s probably afraid of what you may be thinking and afraid even as Drastic in leave him. The best way to approach this is to slowly gain his trust by answering his questions and giving advice when he asks for it. figure out how far you’re comfortable with it. Some women simply tolerate and let their men enjoy it around the house while others totally embrace it and openly accompany their men in public as “girlfriends”. Also find out how far he wants to take it as I have said earlier.
men most of the time but need a little break from society’s demands on masculinity. But what if he wants to go farther? What if he wants to dress that way all the time, have you call him “her” and use a girl’s name? What if he wants hormone replacement therapy to grow real breasts? What if he wants the surgery? Now we’re talking serious and (more or less) permanent life-changing choices, and not many women are OK with that. I don’t mean to startle you and for my wife she I sure she was thinking it as a breach of contract. As you married him on the understanding that he was a straight, monogamous male and now he wants to change the terms of the contract you agreed to. So you should not feel obligated to accept that change or guilty about not wanting to support it. On the other hand, maybe your relationship is stronger, and more important to you, than a little thing like a sex change can’t stop that train.
Let’s assume for the moment that he is a straight, monogamous male who fully identifies as male and has no intention of any kind of permanent change. There’s still that whole range I mentioned a few paragraphs ago, and you probably have a line in your mind you’re not willing — or prepared — to cross, at least not yet. By the same token, though, he has an itch that has to be scratched one way or the other. I can tell you right now that it is very unlikely he will be able to suppress it completely, or permanently. Every crossdresser has gone through a purge process where we tell ourselves this was only a temporary phase; we throw out all our girly clothes and ignore that itch as long as we can. Some succeed! I have friends who, for religious reasons, feel compelled to suppress that urge and they have been very successful at doing so. If that’s something your husband is interested in
But they’re the exception. For most crossdressers, the compulsion is so strong that the longer we try to suppress it, the more of a psychological and emotional toll it costs. If you are unwilling to give in even a little bit, he’s going to have a very rough time of it
Other men have found similar halfway points: OK to dress at home, but not in public. OK to dress in public, but not where anybody knows you (e.g., another town). Everything except breasts is OK. Everything including breasts, but no female name. Dress and call yourself whatever you want, but go back to being all man when we’re being intimate. Do whatever you want, but not while the wife is around (“don’t ask, don’t tell”). When she really can’t bear the sight of him in femme mode, they can agree to give him specific days when he can do whatever he wants while she’s away from the house, but the rest of the time he agrees to be the man she married.
You get the idea. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. And nothing is set in stone. If you’re not comfortable with it, over time your boundaries may move. The important thing here is transparency: Once you’ve agreed to the boundaries, it’s on him to stick to what you agreed to until you’re ready to move on. I have absolutely no tolerance or sympathy for men who lie to their wives. Once that foundation of trust is demolished, it can take a lifetime to build it back up. it’s a lifestyle many I’m sure are dealing with and unfortunately with significant others and their personal life changes.
As a dress-wearing husband to an understanding wife, I thank you for taking this step to understand your man’s needs. Best to your journeys together.
Stephanie 🌷 🌷
Dawn, all I can say is what a great attitude you have!! Never easy, but now you really know who he is, the same person you came to love and happily you are still there for him/her. And in a secure, trusting, long term relationship communication is not always the easiest but maybe the better way
Thank you, Stephanie. I’m definitely trying!! I’m trying to lean into the positive. I’m still struggling with rebuilding some of the trust that is lost due to feeling deceived from his keeping this from me for so long, though I do understand his reasons why. It’s a process. There will be good days and bad days, but in the end, I do love him and I’m trying to be supportive and understanding.
Hello Dawn,
First, thank you for being a wonderful person. I find it interesting that wives/girlfriends have a genetic ability to sense something when things don’t seem right. It is only women who have this ability. Like my wife, you have the ability to remain open when confronted with an issue and take the time to understand and learn before passing judgement. We have always been especially caring to each other. I suspect you both are the same. Trust and honesty rein above all else.
Dawn
I read your reply and other than the comment being 40’s I would have sworn your reply was written by my wife. It was about 20 years after that I told my wife and yes it’s not perfect but we’re working through it. The love for my spouse has grown in multiples knowing that she sees me and loves me for me. Some wives may be afraid of that as they think their husband may accelerate moving to transition. It has actually done the opposite…I love her so much that I know life is about balance therefore making sure she gets what she needs. You have to be be careful thinking it will be perfect if you get everything you want. Life is about balance and if you love someone…what they want needs to be important two. If a couple can find that balance and they BOTH put thier partner first then their love can reach a level that most don’t. I’m lucky asI have a wife that is doing that for me and me for her. I wish you both the same and it works out for you both! Lots of love being sent your way! Hugs
Carole
Thanks Dawn. You may not realize just how special a person you are. Like my wife, you both have a unique ability to accept others for who they are and reserve judgement. For me, having my wife accept me, participate, etc. strengthened our relationship. Her knowing of the true me made our bond tighter. Not only is she enough, but rather, everything to me. I hope your partner feels the s@me.
hugs,
Jillleanne
Another SO here, speaking for my spouse. He is definitely happier and his life is easier since coming out to me. His “secret” was taking a mental toll on him due to the guilt and lying, and our marriage before his coming out to me was just “off”. So other than those obviously major issues now being resolved (it was a process, not making light of it; and everything is not always easy), I can see that it is the little things that make him just so much happier.
No fear of being caught by me while he is dressed if I happened to come home early. No hiding clothes, jewelry, shoes, makeup, accessories (good lord he has more stuff than me). Male and female clothes together in his bedroom closet, other than hidden away. Toenails painted, ears now pierced, occasional mani-pedi together. Wearing nicer girl pj’s to bed than I do. Dressed en femme while working from home. Occasional weekend away together while fully immersed as Katrina. And, even just “girl” shopping together while he is in drab and not having to hide that he is also looking at the female stuff.
And lastly, I really do think he is just so grateful that he can live this life “outed” with me (not known outside of us and our 2 20-something children) that it just naturally translates into a happier person. I am sure many of you gals with accepting SO’s can relate to that last sentiment.
Thanks for letting me share!
Nancy Wow, thank you for sharing you story!! Sounds so close to our situation. Came out to my wife about a year ago (after 30 yrs of blissful marriage). When I did she did not freak out but took in stride and maybe a bit relieved as I am sure she suspected, she was a bit miffed that I didnt tell her earlier. No more hiding now and able to be be stephanie with her. Toenails painted, ears pierced and we are planning a mani-pedi together soon and we have been shopping for her and stephnie many times.
Its not all about stephanie though. my wife sees that maybe we are all bit happier now. And above all else I am so greatful for her acceptance and support. Without that life would be pretty miserable to keep that secret going.
thanx again for your inspirational insight on you journey
Nancy, He and I sound similar except I am out to all. Did he come out to you early on.? You are a special lady, thank you. Isn’t it nice knowing there are no secrets(lies) between you both?
hugs, Jillleanne
Hi Jill,
Most definitely not early on, try like after being married for 26 years. He actually did not discover this side of him until early on in the marriage, and then of course it took on a life of its own (unbeknownst to me) and, well you gals know the rest. He only came out to me because things weren’t quite right between us for a bit at that point in time, and I pushed him to deal with what I thought was another issue. Little did I know what the real deal was.
It was a shock for sure, but we got through it and are still dealing. Fast forward; he is not out to all and never will be. Our 23 yr old daughter and 25 yr old son now know. He urged me to tell my closest girlfriend, so I would have someone to talk to. That was scary because we are also close to her husband, and have known them for over 25 yrs. And we are asking them now to keep this secret from other friends in the same circle. It was tough, especially not knowing my husband would lose his close friend over this. I also didn’t want them to look at him or see him differently now. But, they are great friends and so far so good (they won’t ever see him dressed, but they are aware for my sake.)
We recently moved to a condo assoc and I agreed he could hit the ground running with the neighbors so they will see bits and pieces from the start and think that’s just how he is. Usually mostly female clothing, including a bra, but no wig or makeup. And sometimes a mix, or just all drab. (I’m sure we are “the talk of the town”, but everyone has been very nice and don’t seem to care!)
So, yes it is great knowing no more lies. Everything gets out on the table now, more than ever. I still have boundaries, and am self conscious/worried what others think, and I can see he is getting more and more comfortable wearing female or more neutral clothing in public. But, I just have to say the word and Katrina goes back in the closet for the time being. Its not always easy, but at least its not a boring life.
Thanks for listening 🙂
Oh you seem to be just so darn nice, thank you for being you. I have said a hundred times to people, stop worrying what others are thinking about you. They are too busy in their lives just trying to get through each day without worrying about everyone else. If they have something to say, it’s probably not worth listening to.
I suspect your husband is much more caring and loving and considerate towards you now that you know. Just seems to be the way it works.
And that, is the rest of the story.
I came out to my wife nearly 12 years ago(we were then married 27 years).
In some ways it has been better for me, as I don’t have to hide my compulsion
to wear women’s clothes.
The negative is my wife (although now somewhat tolerant) had a nervous
breakdown and her trust and respect for me has declined.
In hindsight coming out to my wife was the biggest mistake I have
ever made in my life.
I just want to say thank you to the spouses who have posted here about their experiences. It is truly enlightening to hear their responses and opinions, so one again, thank you.
No doubt it is not easy for a spouse to learn of their husband’s tastes and proclivities in such matters. Depending on one’s desires and/or goals this can be no big deal, as in our home, or a major issue. I see a couple of different issues and situations. There is the husband who just likes to dress (to what ever level) and is still just a man in a dress. Then there is the man who truly wants to be some level of woman, be it fully trans to some level of wanting to be a woman. I am the first, and my wife’s attitude is they are just clothes. The second type is much more difficult for women to deal with (I would think.)
Another major issue here is when was the SO informed or found out about this and how. I can understand the feeling of betrayal or being lied to, especially if it has been a long time. I also understand why many men don’t tell their spouses due to the many adverse responses they have received.
My wife has known al along as has been updated as my desires change. It is so much easier to have my own lingerie drawer and to hang my dresses in my closet. There’s no sneaking about or stashing things. She knows I will be honest with her and she knows she can say or have an opinion on my choices.
I am not sure where I would be with my dressing had she a different opinion from the start, but she has been accepting and still is even though I went from just wearing panties to wig and make up over our forty years together.
Thanks for all your experiences and replies. Both by the CD and Spouses.
It’s not an easy road for either side. Some days the planets aline in harmony, others not so harmoniously. Sometimes other things in our lives trigger a response to blame the CDING on both sides for our trouble. Wife and I will come to undetstanding as we always ❤️ do. Health issues and finances big obstacles. Need to comunicate what honestly is troubling in the back of our minds. Thanks millions for replies. CDH is truly a loving community ❤️. Continue to be positive
Luvs Hugs GingerGood points hon. I do not consider myself a crossdresser. For definition purposes which I hate, I am trans, specifically, gender fluid. Yes, I move from one gender completely to the other at random. Try explaining that one to your spouse. I can spend weeks in one gender and do. Obviously I am out. My wife who if I were a betting person, would have guaranteed, would kick me to the curb immediately upon learning of my gender gift. Early in, I told her who I am out of respect for her and to let her know I fully intended to express my gender gift fully. This is me love it or leave it. She accepted me completely with lots of communication, learning*, questions, and discoveries. We are best friends, no secrets, no lies. I get to live my life honestly and sincerely with no regrets. Her? Oh, she gets to shop ‘til she drops, ask my advice on clothing and vice versa, laugh and cry with each other, compliment each other, argue over heel height and clothing choices, cook together, and cuddle in bed although she does complain about my nails being too sharp in bed. I think she just needs something to complain about. We love each other unconditionally forever. No exceptions.
My SO raised the tenth level of Hades on just her one-time suspicion (not caught in the act) that I’d worn a pair of her panties; which I had, more than once to be honest. My wearing “female” clothes was something that I’d always kept secret.
Since then she believes that I’ve quit; I have, except that not long after I started buying my own panties. This alone would draw out her ire, but now I’ve slow and steady progressed to being full en femme with a “hidden” 500+ item wardrobe that includes wigs, heels, breastforms, and a silicone “vagina” thong; recently have greatly expanded make-up and jewelry.
Women’s clothing isn’t the only thing that she objects about. I started using “clear” nail strengthener because my fingernails break, chip, crack, and split very easily. She noticed the “shine” once and asked why were my nails “shiny”. I told her and she ostracized me saying; “Men don’t do that; What is wrong with you?”. I’ve also been using “Sea-Breeze” facial cleanser and twice she has noticed the “shine” on my forehead. I told her that I’d just used my “male” acne scrub pads on my forehead; she half-ways accepted my explanation.
So in my case; it’s better that my SO does not know.
I do realize it is different for each of us. I know I am very lucky, and am sorry for all of you who have to deal with an unsupportive (to say the least) wives.
I had just recently said to my wife that the best part of dressing is to realize just how good many products that are marketed and sold only to women are so great. Lipstick is so much better then chapstick. Women’s jeans are so much more comfortable then mens. Skirts are a delight to wear on warm days, and nail polish is massively helpful for cracked nails, to name just a few.
It’s amazing the material used to make the clothing. I have Pajama sets that are softer than cotton balls, tops that shimmer across my skin, stretch jeans that will never see darkness in a closet, mens jeans that will never see daylight ever again, dresses and skirts that flow like feathers and build confidence greater than any pay raise could accomplish. Lip liners that bring definition to my lips, eye shadows and liners and blushes that tell the world go ahead, take a second look, I’m worth it.
I think I’m having a girly moment here. Did I mention my hair?
Better for who exactly? I’m not sure I understand the logic here. How exactly does hiding your gender gift strengthen your relationship with you better half? How does it increase the trust and openness you share with her? What it appears to do is prevent you from having to face your greatest fears, nothing else. Hey, you are not alone believe me. We have all been there at one point. The real question is how long going forward will you continue to live this little secret? With 500+ articles? Really?
I feel very lucky that my wife was right there with me, as I shared the first YouTube video I ever saw on the topic. (This was only a few weeks ago, and the video was linked via Pinterest.) I had no idea how that story would affect me and how exciting this whole new world has become! I have never tried any of my wife’s clothes on, as I am much taller and, uh, wider, so she encouraged me to buy my first frilly panties and a few other items. The fun part is that seeing me in black satin panties and sexy heels … totally turns her on! Who knew? We took an online quiz … something called “Carnal Calibration” and found out that she would be very much interested in seeing me go a LOT further down this road. Wow!
Arora
Hi Ginger and all!
My SO knows, and doesn’t like it but I reached a point in life where I said #@$%# IT, I’m doing this! I did “compromise” with myself and don’t go full blown. I dress in a hybrid mode. But I have no body hair, groom, like to look good in my gurl jeans etc., and I know it turns her off. We haven’t been intimate since. (3+ yrs). So it’s been a “trade off”, if you will. I’ve paid for my decision.
I would love to have gurlfriends to hang out with, but I know she would not like this. That is in part because I’ve been so insecure in our relationship. My SO is one who would hand out with “guy friends” if she felt so compelled, and did on a couple of occasions, albeit at work. Lunches, guy walking her to her car, etc.
In 2 of my previous relationships before getting married my girlfriends had guy friends, that I did not know about. Turned out they were more than guy friends, and I was “passed up” in the end. So when SO wanted to hang out with guy friends I threw a fit, no way. She still does not accept that, but doesn’t any longer. Plus we all wfh now. They guy friend she had at work, left to another company or something.
I know, hypocritical, double standards, etc., all over. I’m to blame as much as anyone.
Worrying if your wife will take a shine to another man is a waste of time. If she reaches a point where she is ready to cheat on you, she will do it regardless of how you feel about her having men friends. So you have to put your trust in her. Her personality will change if she ever decides to cheat and you will instinctively know. Lots of fish in the ocean. Trick is finding the right one.
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Whenever someone says they are going to tell their SO about any secret that is likely to be painful, I have to first ask: Why? Why are you sharing this with her? If you feel a secret will eventually come out so better she hear it from you, I understand. If it is CDing and the stress of keeping this secret from her is hurting your marriage, ok. I’ve had a few friends who wanted to share a secret so they wouldn’t feel guilty, and that is thinking of yourself. Yes, you’ll feel less guilty, but what about her? How will she feel when she hears? This is why I don’t tell my SO. It would lower my stress, but increase hers – she doesn’t deserve that.
Jackie,
I love the thought you have on this. How many CDs have either come out or got caught and say “it feels so good to get that burden off my chest?” That burden doesn’t go away, it is simply passed to the SO.We are then expected to keep a secret that we didn’t agree to keep. We have no one to talk to about it and that is a lonely place. Then, while our husbands are high on the pink fog, we have to adjust and make sense of it all while wondering if it is because we aren’t enough. We struggle with jealousy of the other woman. It is hard for even the most accepting of us.
I’m an advocate for the truth, but if coming out will only ease your own guilt, then you really have to examine your reasons. For some women, the best thing their husband can do is to keep this hidden.
Hugs,
BettyHi Betty! Excellent point you make about the CD thinking of “getting the burden off my chest” and the relief of no longer having to hide it. I can’t imagine the bombshell it must be hearing that ( unless there were suspicions I guess ).
For myself, I think what would be eating away at me was the fact that not just am I hiding this from my mate, but I’m LYING TO THEM – PERIOD. Its not only what you are lying about, but that you are just being dishonest. Honesty and trust trump everything in any relationship ( for me at least ). I just couldn’t continue a relationship in which I was constantly lying to the one I love….
Betty I understand how you feel and I understand you didn’t sign up for this, no one did. I would hope after learning of who he is for real, without lies and secrets, you would see someone who maybe seeks compassion and understanding and support. Don’t ever think he is coming out to you so he can feel better about himself and put his mind at ease. He’s coming out to you because he can no longer stand living with the lies and secrets and respects and trusts you and your relationship enough to tell you and hope that you will come to accept him through communication and education. He is reaching a point where he is learning this gift is not going away ever. He is just as confused as you will soon be upon learning of him. Now some wives can try and accept it, even embrace it. Some will want no part of it and want out. Some will try to understand and work out a middle road. There is no one right answer period. Each of us have to decide for our selves, how we approach this and try and figure out how best to move forward. No one want to cause harm to the other. But hiding or withholding the truth does nothing to strengthen a relationship , but rather only serves to weaken that relationship. If he hides this and gets away with it, what else will he hide in the future. Is this the kind of relationship you want moving forward? Talk, talk a lot. Discuss boundaries if that helps. He has reached out to you. He had to. He can’t hide or lie any longer. No, you don’t deserve this agreed. No, it’s not fair. Life’s not fair. So now you need to figure out if he is worth fighting for. If so, you have to develop a plan together so you both can come to some sort of balance that will allow the love you have for each other to grow, and strengthen your bond with each other. No lies, no secrets, just respect and trust moving forward.
It’s not easy but it’s doable. Communicate openly. Express your true feelings. Work it out.I wish you all the best in your efforts moving forward.
Thank you for your response. We have entered a phase of what I call “peaceful boundaries.” He knows I’m trying my best to adjust and the more I try, the more he respects and understands my limits. Boundaries need to be discussed and then followed to build trust and respect. Without trust, honesty, and respect, what so you have? It’s a work in progress for sure but I feel our relationship is closer and better than it has ever been. That doesn’t mean that I like his dressing or that he hid it for so long but there is something to be said for really knowing all of a person.
Hugs,
Betty
When I fully came out to my wife and later my cousin, I simply said I would prefer this not be common knowledge, but it is nothing I am ashamed of nor feel the need to absolutely hide, though that is best. So, I do not feel I just shifted a burden to them, but opened up about a part of my self to people I care greatly for and they took it as such. Telling somebody your care about about something so deep and personal shows how much you care about them, and then in return can show that they care about you as well. My wife has recently told me about a long held secret about her past, and my response was to be as supportive as possible, but I also let her know how good it made me feel that she loved and trusted me enough for her to reveal it to me. I am sorry she had to carry that burden alone for so long, but I do not feel like she just wanted to give that burden to me.
How will she feel when she catches you in the act? Will that relieve your stress level? Does she deserve that? The point is, hiding the truth doesn’t make it better or ok. Hiding it does not improve your relationship. Hiding it is selfish and only serves to keep you from having to face the music. Maybe when she finds out she will accept it with open arms like mine did when I told her at the beginning of our relationship. I got lucky, really lucky. I chose no lies, no secrets ever again. Maybe she will kick you to the curb. Maybe you’ll find a middle road with her. Any way it goes, hiding it only serves to keep you safe, not her. Sooner or later she’ll find out. High heel marks in the rug, a broken necklace bead, lipstick stains somewhere, a fake nail on the floor, she might come home from work early with a migraine, the list is endless. How she finds out is up to you.
I told my wife that I liked to crossdress early in our marriage. She was accepting of it, as long as I stayed in the house and not ventured outside. Fast forward many years, I did some soul searching and told her that I was transgender. We had several long discussions. She is semi accepting, and semi supportive. Like borrowing my makeup! I talked with her about growing my hair long and piercing my ears. She was very supportive and encouraging. I wear my women’s jeans out on the weekends. She doesn’t want me going out fully dressed. I am ok with that. Altho she was ok one day when I had to run to the bank and I had makeup on. My gender is not an issue with our marriage, but there are other things we can’t see eye to eye on.
That’s one of the most difficult questions ginger, but the answer in reality is painfully simple. Keeping secrets about ourselves is sad and takes a toll on us more than I ever realized, I told my wife after 13 years of marriage, and over twenty years into our relationship. She was shocked and confused, it lead to alot of crying and difficult admissions on my part, but clearing the air has been priceless. My wife isn’t exactly in love with this side of me but she knows what I do and allows me some space when I need it. I gave her permission to share this information with a therapist or a trusted friend so she didn’t feel I was simply passing the burden from my shoulders to hers which seemed to work well for her. The weight of secrets like being a dresser are heavy, sharing that burden with my partner has made my life better, my wife may not have welcomed the news about this but at least she knows all sides of me at this point, and that sure beats the alternative. Those who truly love us, tend to accept us no matter what we like to wear. Good luck moving forward Ginger.
I know for sure that I will never be accepted so life is short and I just have to enjoy it when I can dress sexy no matter is is jus behind doors 🙁
I have been known by my SO for not quite a year now and I have come to a couple of conclusions. One, I’m glad she knows, though I am disappointed (in myself) at the way she had to find out. In some ways, though, I’m also not so glad that she knows as it’s put a strain on our relationship. We have been through some counseling – she has attended sporadically where I was attending just about every week. The counseling was helpful for me to work out some of the reasons I enjoy dressing and the drive behind my actions. It has also brought up some stark contrasts and reasons why my SO is having such a difficult time accepting my dressing. So much going on and so little time in everyday life to devote to such a major topic in our relationship. We haven’t been back to counseling in about three months and she has shown no sign of wanting to bring the topic up for further discussion. I have refrained from dressing as much as I can, though I do take the opportunity occasionally when I know she will not be home.
Overall, her knowing and her level of acceptance, fear, or distaste has been a double-edged sword. It can cut both ways and has definitely left a mark. I take full responsibility for not being open and honest with her when my dressing accelerated – before three years ago it was very limited – however it is also more difficult now with her – what seems like – willful ignorance of the issue. And her reaction the first time certainly doesn’t bolster my hopes or trust for any better reaction to broaching the subject further from my side.
Still, we are continuing and will probably pick up further counseling for the both of us to really round it out and see where our relationship is going to end up. It may not be where I, or we, want to be, but it’s where we’re at now. Next step is to keep trying to make progress on coming to some kind of conclusion or ground rules – some kind of compromise I hope we can both live with and be happy.
Jes, I have a similar situation. This has brought a strain in our in my relationship with my wife as well. I dress because of the way it makes me feel. I love feeling like a women. She can not understand this, and why it is so important to me. I would be difficult living without being able to express my feminine side.
I have been seen/caught by my wife twice as Charlotte made no comment and will not talk about CD. Tried to discuss. Every day I wear knickers and hold up stockings. Stockings can be seen to a certain extent as I make sure I pull tracksuit bottoms well up round calves. Also I have a large below knee woollen hoodie so underneath in an evening hold up stocking, knickers, pocket Bra and forms feels wonderful. Obviously stockings are on view and forms are protruding but still no comments.
Two days ago was putting stockings on and she walked in I carried on and she never said anything. Would love to be able to sit comfortable in an evening as Charlotte. Has any of you any suggestions?? I have even asked her to discuss it when I misplaced 2 pair of stockings and asked if she had seen them. Only eldest Daughter knows and is supportive don’t want others to know especially grandchildren.I was in a, somewhat, similar situation. I wore panties and bras around my wife often enough, and she had seen me with traces of lipstick, but never said anything. I had a drawer with a few fem items in it, not hidden, but not in plain view either. As I was expanding my dressing I want to “get it off my chest”, so I finally just sat down at dinner and had the “talk”. She was fine with it all, and I offered to answer any questions, give her resources if she want, told her I she can tell me if I have gone too far, et cetera.
Like you she knew, but chose not to ask, but I wanted to be open about it with her, so I just told her. You may need to just sit your wife down and tell her you need to talk about something and open up. She may have a lot of questions, or none, but at least she will know, and you will have been honest. I am disappointed my wife doesn’t ask questions as Iwould love to discuss it further, but it would be for my benefit, not hers, because she is happy right where she is at. Now, I am not complaining, I have the freedom to dress as I want, and she is fine with it and participates when I do, but she is content with things as they are.
I recently came out to my cousin who was wonderfully supportive, asked lots of questions and was happy to see me dressed, so I do get a certain fulfilment from that. It is nice to tell someone meaningful to you about your desires, and have a thoughtful discussion, but that does not necessarily need to be your wife as long as you have given her the opportunity to be that person and she declines. At least there is no hiding, or wondering “does she know” if you just sit down and tell her.
“Has any of you any suggestions?”
I just had a thought triggered by how my wife deals (doesn’t deal) with things.
She knows that I have women’s shoes and knows that they are high heels. She points out that she doesn’t want me to wear them around her. I think she means out in public (I don’t push my luck at home, either), but she can’t articulate that yet. I am guessing.
I think what she means, in general, is that she doesn’t want to be embarrassed. If you take things slowly and aren’t flamboyant or in her face with your crossdressing, maybe she will be more tolerant if she knows that you won’t embarass her. If she can’t discuss the subject, though, it makes it difficult to know how to set your boundaries and limits.
There isn’t a lot I can add after so many great answers. Like I always say everyone’s situation is different. In my case it’s been better for me for sure as I felt as though I was on the edge of doing something drastic.
My wife has taken it very well and in the long run I think it will be better for her and our relationship if I’m not lying to her. Ask me again in a year and I’ll tell you if I am correct or not.Its only been about 5-6 weeks for me since I told her. So far as others have indicated, it has been up and down. In many ways its been better, for me at least, to not have the burden of lieing/hiding. It has released some anxiety and depression. In other ways it has caused anxiety lol. She has been pretty great about it overall but at times does get irrationally upset over it. Its ok with her for me to wear my underthings to bed and around the house, but its taking me a ot of getting used to her seeing me in those things. She knows at night when everyone else is sleepimg that I do my transformation, yet she came downstairs the ither night and got really upset when she saw me….then the next day she apologized and said its fine, and things have been fine since. So I wish there was a perfect answer for you, for me, for all of us. I dont know what the future holds but for now telling her still seems to have been the correct decision. I sincerely hope you both can work it out and find happiness together.
-Lilly ❤️
Thank you SO MUCH for this, Lilly. I can really relate with the bit where you say “it’s taking me a lot of getting used to her seeing me in those things”. It’s funny that between our SO’s struggles to accept us and their flip-flopping we also have to dodge our own internal “friendly fire” — judging ourselves for being who we are. It’s even hard to tell when our SO is having a “good day” and accepting because we can’t accept ourselves. There were so many times when I half-feared and half-needed my wife to tell I was wearing panties, got very stressed in anticipation, and when she saw or felt it she only commented “you’re kinky today”.
Your welcome. All of our struggles are different yet similar in many ways. If u ever wanna chat im here for ya!
-Lilly ❤️
I did not start crossdressing actively until I was 69 years old – and 40 years into my marriage. I dressed in secret for a grand total of about two weeks before coming out to my wife…the stress was just too much, especially considering I was doing something that was supposed to be pleasurable. I really did not know what my wife’s reaction would be.I was afraid my proclivity would damage our relationship, but it did not, and I’m glad I did not sell her short. As it turns out, we have had some significant challenges in our time together, but this has not been one of them. Had I not come out, I would still be sneaking, lying and stressing out because of it, but as it is my alter ego has flourished and I am the better person for it. All or our situations are different, but I do believe full disclosure is necessary in all situations,no matter what the outcome. Without it, I believe you are living a lie and are imprisoned by your own deception, unable to fully appreciate your crossdressing or your everyday life.
As I’ve said before, if it were just clothing, it would be so much easier. The other things that go with it are what really make it the challenge that it is.
Hugs,
Betty
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