- This topic has 7 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 6 years ago by
.
- Posts
The world can be a bitch, I know I’m luckier than most, so here’s some good news to brighten your day and give some hope.
Some background: my wife dumped me on the 1st of January, asking for a divorce, after 23 years of marriage, and she left the house in May. I wasn’t cross-dressing nor had I come out to her as bisexual. The reasons she gave were that she “didn’t love me anymore,” and “we had nothing in common”. We just sort of grew apart over the years.
Later she found it impossible to find a job in her home state and started texting me that she still loved me and wanted to come back and try to salvage the marriage. I still feel like part of it is financial, not an attraction to me, but I relented, and she’s moved back in. I told here we’d still be separated until we decided otherwise, but she could stay to save up money for an apartment. I’m still not sure I want to stay married to her, I don’t trust her not to leave me again. It tore me up when she dumped me and left.
While she was gone I started crossdressing, but not out of confusion or grief; it was something I had wanted to do for a long time, and I enjoy it, and also decided to stop denying to myself that I was bisexual and start thinking about broadening my dating… if and when I do start dating again. Those two things had nothing to do with her leaving, but I decided to stop repressing those feelings and urges since she was gone, and I decided to come out to her about both when she moved back in rather than start repressing them again. I never lied to her before, even though she deceived me, and I wasn’t going to start or to change myself for her. I’m prioritizing my happiness and starting to care less what other people think…but of course I do care what people think to a degree, because I care about other people, especially her still. It’s complicated, and at the same time, it’s simple. I was going to tell her because it was the right thing to do.
I was worried she’d be repulsed and may even turn right around and leave again, but after some initial surprise and processing, she was fine with it. In her words, she’s “bicurious” herself and fairly progressive, and I know her better than I know anyone (I’ve lived with her longer than without her!) but you never know how people will react. I don’t know if we will stay married or not, but we’re still friends and she even helped me shop for some women’s clothing yesterday. And we got a mani-pedi together today which was cool (my feet feel and look so much better!). I don’t fully dress, just underdress, shave, and paint my toenails now and then. For me it’s an enjoyable way to express my feminine side, and though I’d love to fully dress someday and go out, it would just cause too many problems with family as my sons still live with us.
But it’s still great to have her support, both for my dressing and sexual orientation. She’s amused by it, in a good way. I’d prefer not to date anyone else, and it’s great to have her back in town, but I feel a lot more free now, and it’s a good feeling to have my best friend back, even if she doesn’t remain my wife. She does seem to want to work on the marriage now, but we’ll see. Either way, hoping to keep her as a good friend.
I am sorry to hear that all of this is happening to you. But I admire you for being honest with your wife (I call mine the ‘soon to be ex’ or STBE). You took this opportunity to readdress the truth about yourself, even with the possibility of repulsion, leaving you again, turning on you, spilling the beans. You have reestablished the rules for your relationship going forward. Many many times I wish I had done that.
Best of luck and stay strong sister. Be true to what you want from your life and don’t compromise your principles.
Thank you both for the advice and support. I love my ex (I call her that still, even to her face) but I do not trust her. I was very clear with her that even though she could stay with us, and even though I love her and missed her, I do not trust her, and that we are still splitting up unless I change my mind. So we’re in a weird “best friends with benefits” kind of situation lol. She’s making money and saving it now, so I expect we’ll be apart for a long while, maybe for good, but I hope to remain friends. I think we’d both be happier that way honestly. She still wants to salvage the marriage, but hopefully she understands the reality and finality of what she’s done to that. I also think it would be easier on the kids if she got her own place..if she stayed, all the old problems would probably resurface (except for the money situation, I fixed that for good, she has no control over it anymore).
She has made some efforts though, we are doing a date night every payday and taking some other steps to improve our relationship. And her accepting my crossdressing and bisexuality was a big step. I still tell her she’s more like a girlfriend now though. Her complaint that “we have nothing in common” is still an issue I think, and I just can’t see that going away. Her hobbies and mine are too different and she doesn’t want to try anything new despite saying she “wants adventure”. And she drinks quite a bit; not to the point where it’s a problem, but I don’t, and it’s no fun being the only sober one all the time.
Glad to hear that you are thinking carefully about the whole situation while being true to your needs.
You have given her ammo though with your admissions about CD and your sexuality. I don’t know what state you’re in but be careful with any divorce proceedings, she could use it against you.My STBE found my camera with pics of my MtF makeover from Seattle (long story about how). Nothing graphic at all but I live in Cali which is a 50/50, no fault state so it wouldn’t matter. But I had to consider it.
I am no lawyer but this will be my third divorce (not proud of that at all). First wife and I just changed, she became focused on her career and left me alone to deal with my brain tumor. Second wife ran off with my best friend, started drinking heavily (be careful) when her son started to join a gang, leaving me to deal with it.
I’ve got a lot of baggage and several great stories, but they’re best shared over a bottles of wine.
Wow this was long. Stay strong, stay true, and most importantly stay in contact with others so you don’t backtrack.
Ciao GinaLegally we’re keeping out of the courts. Neither of us wants that expense. But I’m protecting my interests with a written separation agreement. She seems to be fine with it, and she should be, I’m taking on almost all the debt. Our youngest is almost 17, and he wants to stay with me, so child support won’t be an issue unless he changes his mind, and if he does I’ll be fine with paying it.
I have given it much thought, and I think if she wanted to take me to court, it would be tough on her. She was sexting her boyfriend in another state while we were together, and met up with him there while she was gone. Not exactly cheating, but certainly deceitful, and definitely cheating emotionally. She also mismanaged our finances by not paying the mortgage and several other bills for a couple of months right after she dumped me; After taking over the finances I have no problems making my payments now, even after paying more than $3000 in unexpected bills, so I can only guess where that money went (her account surely, after that, no idea). No, I’m not worried about her taking me to court, she would not win anything and would alienate our kids, and she’s not going to do that. I’m not charging her rent because I don’t want her to legally be a “tenant”, will make any necessary eviction easier. I’m no lawyer, and I’m certain that allowing her back in the house is a risk to me, but I think I’ll be ok. She’s still looking at apartments, so I think she knows her situation, and is thankful for my taking her in when she needed it. None of her so called friends out of state did that for her, so she’s learned a lot, albeit maybe too late to save our marriage.
Thanks! The best advice I got from a friend who went through divorce a few years ago was to “always take the high ground”. It’s been very hard to do, but worth it. She has no reason to attack me and no leg to stand on if she decides to, and it’s been a lot easier on my kids which is the most important thing. She might go after me anyway though, I still don’t trust her, and that’s why I think the marriage is in its last days.
I think the worst is behind me, and I’ve got good things to look forward to. With her and the kids out of the house within a couple of years it allow me to fully dress and be the girl I want to be, at least in the evenings and weekends. 🙂
- The forum ‘Relationship Advice’ is closed to new topics and replies.
Recent Comments