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I came out to my wife today. Just jokingly last night I created cleavage by pushing my pecs together. I then used a makeup app to femme up the photo and sent it to her. That lead to the discussion in which I told her that I told my therapist about my history with crossdressing. I said that I told my therapist that my dream would be to live as a woman in a lesbian marriage with her. The question that followed was, “Do you want to be a woman?” “Yes” was my reply. Now we’re trying to talk things out, but she is not comfortable with me crossdressing. I feel like we’re back in the same place we where 14 years ago, with the only difference that she knows I’m a transsexual. I’m going to give her time to come to terms and hope that she learns to at least accept it.
I think coming out in any sort of joking way undermines what you’re trying to say. To have the information given as a joke, then to be told “…actually, I’m serious. I want to be a woman” would be very hard to accept, let alone understand.
Transition isn’t something to joke about until all involved become comfortable.
Give her time, for sure, but don’t try to rush things. Remember how long it has taken you to become comfortable with who you are.
Jane
I too came out to my wife and got changed and dressed up in my favorite underwear , skirt and top plus stockings and shoes her reaction was she went mad tearing my top off and leaving me sat in my skirt and bra .The next day she said you are lucky i am still talking to you but i explained that i felt really happy when dressed up but she does not want me to dress in front of her. I often hear her saying to friends that i dress up whether or not that is looking for support or not or just testing their reaction.
I think if we are honest, at best, most wives only tolerate our desire to CD, as the pleasure is mostly one sided. Below is part of my profile that shares my experience:
“Quid Pro Quo” (this-for-that) best describes my current situation. Following early retirement, I wanted to “dress” more openly in our home and broached the possibility with my wife. She was not enthusiastic but agreed to tolerate occasional “dressed evenings”. They often ended in recriminations and purges of my clothes.
That all changed following a serious heart to heart session. She explained that she didn’t get any benefit from my dressing, so why should she go along with it. I hadn’t thought of it that way and realized that I was being selfish. In return for me dressing, I offered to take on all household chores and try to satisfy all her needs. She accepted and bought work dresses and even a maid’s uniform, complete with mop cap and bloomers. She now has far more time to herself since the new unpaid maid arrived.
I, on the other hand, pointed out that dressing was my “Prozac” and when I was “en femme”. I was calm, considerate and attentive towards her. We never argued when I was dressed. My wife agreed that I was a “changed man” when dressed.
We have had this arrangement for two wonderful years. Our marriage as blossomed. My wife appreciates her new girlfriend and I am finally content.
Surely there must be common ground that can benefit both parties in our marriages?
Grace.
I came out to my wife two days ago, and we talked about it for s couple of hours. She being liberal minded, accepted the idea, but wondered why I waited 16 years to tell her. I said that I didn’t want to lose her, but I can no longer hide who I really am. I will still have to dress in the basement for a time period until she’s comfortable, but at least the fear of being caught is gone.
Crossdressing and wives is a very very complicated thing.My full story is in “Going Out Dressed,and on a high for hours”.
I kept my secret from my wife for 28 years and when she found out,it hurt her deeply.Its very hard to understand HOW they must feel. She saw video’s of me FULLY dressed make-up etc…..her first reaction was “you must be gay”…..a common misconception from females who don,t understand.My wife said she was very hurt that I had not told her before we got married. Maybe it even questioned her sexuality,as I look so good as a female.
Anyway she could not come to terms with it,and did in fact have a brief Lesbian affair,she has re-married now and we are still friends…..and to her credit she has kept my secret.
GOOGLE Shannon5358 to see my stunning pics on Flickr
Shannon
After reading the negative experiences has double downed my decision to never tell my wife. Early on in our marriage, I tested the waters only to have her react negatively. I’m fine with being a closeted cd, my frustration is the amount of energy consumed to hide my desire to dress. Thanks for sharing.
I came out to my wife very early into our marriage with my desire to wear panties. My experience with this has been positive as she has become an active participant in my dressing and has been very open in progressing from just panties to wearing slips, stockings, garter belts and dresses. She has been the one to choose the two custom made satin dresses that I have and also the make-up that we have started using. The only thing that she does not want is for me to wear a wig. She very much likes to fully dress me and undress me but has stated a wig will disguise that its me and she wants to see me dressed. I am fine with this as I pretty much get to buy and wear whatever I wish.
Anytime CDs come out to their wives it will be a shock to the system. They married a man, so it can be quite unsettling. To us, we’ve been dealing with being a CD for many years … it’s not a new topic, but when a wife suddenly finds out it can be too much all at one time. I’ve chronicled my own “coming out/getting caught” story in another post (“Hard Choices”), but I’ve come to the conclusion that in the ideal situation, the woman should find out while you are still dating. If you’re already married, then it’s too late. You might get lucky and your wife won’t have a meltdown, but if you can do it before you tie the knot, that is preferable. That’s my advice to the younger and single CDs here. You have to risk losing your girlfriend by telling her. You’ll save yourself a lot of pain and anguish later.
I myself can out to my wife just this year. We’ve been married going on 39 years. These urges started early in our marriage and I wanting to tell her but family life stepped in and the chances just seam to disappear. And so did the desire but now the feelings grew too strong, empty nest, retired all fell in place. It definitely hurt her all these years of not knowing all these years and you couldn’t tell me and yes I went through all the questions. But we had many a talk and ending with compromises guidelines and most of all understanding but each others feelings today I could be happy to say she’s accepted me but with caution . We progress at a pace that we both understand and both are totally comfortable with myself to never overstep my bounds. She becoming more comfortable and allows me more freedom to express Stephanie and now is starting to accept me as her girlfriend at times but I’m always assuring her that her husband with her when she’s wants him there .
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