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And it did not go well at all. Maybe even worse than I feared. She said she wants her “manly man” back, not someone that “prances around looking like a girl!” I am in agony and I fear that I may have ruined the best thing that ever happened to me. She said she couldn’t even look at me right now and then she left. I don’t know where she is right now…
I just threw everything out and even cut off my hair. I hurt beyond belief.
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Tricia I am so sorry things didn’t go well. I can only pray for you both. I wish you the best for a bad situation and hope there is peace for you both somehow in this situation.
🙏🏻C “Oh my” I’m heartbroken hearing this. At this time you’ve probably did the right thing. Backing off and staying silent. Hopefully the tensions will subsided and maybe she’ll want to talk when she’s ready and show a little willingness to at least be open to conversations. Your one that is blessed with a long marriage, children and grandchildren and I assume a strong bond with your wife. Its troubling and a emotional ordeal for both and I do pray the very best outcome possible. Were here for support and importantly to listen if you need…
Stephanie …..
Oh darling – many of us have been there. My wife still does not really accept Laura, saying that there’s no room for another woman in our relationship.
News flash : I am not a real woman! Every man has many parts to play in life, and this is a part that gets suppressed, and, like anything under pressure, has a tendency to blow up if you’re not careful – or even if you are careful!
She is in shock, and needs time to process this.
Listen carefully to her fears and try not to mansplain stuff or get defensive – or apologetic.
She hasn’t lost her man – that is a common misconception. You are the same person, it’s just that there is more depth to you.
I would try to keep the conversation going, making it mostly about her.
You’ve had your whole life to try to come to terms with this – and boy, it’s not easy – but to her it’s like revelation. End of the world.
She needs a friend to listen to her right now – so be that friend. Be your male persona as full on as you can, to reassure her that she hasn’t lost her man, but gained an improved version.
It’s a long, hard road, but the “easy” road of pretending it doesn’t exist is no longer an option.
And the hard road brings its own rewards eventually!
Love Laura
Tricia , so sorry to hear things went poorly , hopefully you both get sometime to sit down & openly & honestly talk about what crossdressing means for the both of you . Perhaps some specialised counseling for you together and individually . 🌹🌹 Tiff
Hi Tricia
Sorry to hear about how your wife felt, my wife probably wound not like it much either. Give her time to think and be the man she married as much as possible to get her back in the comfort zone. Maybe some reading material on the subject for her down the road may help her to understand the subject better, just a thought. Take care.
Jennifer
Hi Tricia I am truly sorry you and your wife have to go through this time in both your lives. Despite what you may believe it does not go well initially for so many here including my self. You are very brave and a good person that only wanted to share a secret about you with some one you truly love. There is nothing wrong with that at all. My marriage continued for more than 25 years after my wife found my clothes. I was not brave like you. Like some have said give her time to digest this new information she has learned about you. So many here would love to share there secret with the one they love and they fear what you are going through right now. Your wife has not lost that manly man she fell in love with, you are still there. That manly man has no plans on going any where. The picture she has described of you prancing around looking like a girl has scared her. She right now does not know what to think. She most likely has no one to talk to about this new information. That is so important. There are so many options available to her today to learn more about you and our community. There are a few things you and your wife should keep in mind while going through this and you will go through this time never stands still. There is nothing wrong with you.. You can throw away the clothes and cut your hair.This is a part of you will never go away. You can try to hate this part of you and go into denial for as long as you want. we all have the ability to bury this part of us so deep these feelings will never experience the light of day ever again. If buried these feelings only fertilize the negative parts of us that no one should ever have to experience. Depression, anxiety, drug and alcohol abuse, anger for no reason the list goes on and on. The best and believe it or not the easiest thing to do is just talk about between your selves, the very caring and loving people here, A therapist. There are so many books that have been written about us . CDH has a significant others forum. She may never understand how you feel. HOW could she? Her brain and body are in perfect alignment. Our brain and body are having a little disagreement which we plan to rectify if only in private, some times and alone Some of just decided to say screw it I want to enjoy these feelings all the time full time. That part will be up to you and your SO. Communication, TRUST and compromise I have been married almost 40 years and my wife and i have had to deal with so many situations and this was just one of them. You will get through this.
Luv Stephanie
Oh I’m so sorry this went badly hon. I know how much courage it took for you to come out to your wife. It is obvious you are in so much pain right now, and your wife too. I agree with the other girls about stepping back a bit and getting counseling if she is willing.
I know you probably want to throw the fem thing out of the window, but as I know, this urge to be your feminine self does not go away.
We are here for you dear.
Heather
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Tricia
Sorry to hear that the conversation with your SO went badly. I do so very much hope that you do experience some reconciliation but sadly it is not a given that time will in itself bring it
I unfortunately do not have any wise words to offer as I ended up pushing my crossdressing back in the closet after my wife’s uncovering of my stash nearly brought me to the situation you are in
Rachel
The first step is the hardest…Talking & time, followed by more talking & time are the best things to ease her fears. I don’t know why, but we wives fear this means you don’t want us. I imagine it took you some time to accept this facet of your personality, it takes us time also along with feeling reassured that the person we love most still loves us most.
When she’s willing, suggest she joins the SO forum here. It helps us learn what cross dressing is & more importantly what it’s not.I hope you know that where you are now is not where you will be in the future. Good luck to you both ❤️
Tricia,
I am so sorry and I hope things get better for you. I am concerned about your level of guilt and shame right now. Please take care of yourself!!!
Kay
[postquote quote=378227]
Yes, probably at the highest levels in my life. Thanks for your concern.Hi Tricia,
I guess I am lucky,my wife is barely tolerant.
When you talk,explain to her you just don’t want to have secrets,how much you love her and nothing has changed regarding the way you feel about her see if there are some boundaries that can work after she has had time to process this.
My wife prefers not to see me dressed and no dressing in public in my local area.
I sure hope it works out for you.
Once I analyzed myself I discovered I could not stop,and I told her that.
Patty
Hello Tricia,
We all understand your hurt. Most women do not understand CD. Anyone who told you this would be easy has not been there. For most of us, the best we can hope for is tolerance. I think that many (maybe most) woman are as traditional as most men. Regardless of the efforts of the LGBTQ community, our gender orientation is pretty fragile. To suggest that a man wants to emulate their femininity is threatening to, I believe, most women. And, the better you do it, the more impact it will likely have.
So, the next question is, what will you do next? Assuming she comes back, should you give it up, complete the purge, and pretend things are back to “normal?” Or, if your true confession was real, do your continue in an effort to help her understand you are the same person you have always been, but that the real you has a different set of components that have made you unique, special, and worthy. The cat is out of the bag.
If it was worth trying before, it is more so now. I suggest that you comb the archives of CDH and other sites for the memoirs of others like us. And, right now, ask for our help to write letters to your wife on our very own CD perspectives. If you believe you are disordered, you can give it up and seek a cure. If you know you are a good person with interesting inclinations, hang on to your sincerity, tell her you’re sorry, but that you want her to understand more about the man she’s known and loved for years.FAM
Dear Tricia,
You did the right thing by trying to not keep secrets from your wife, and it’s not your fault that things went so badly. And please know that there is nothing either illegal or shameful about being a CD; the “problem” is with your wife’s reaction to the news, and hopefully, she will see that she over-reacted.
My own wife of 56 years has told me that she thinks it’s wrong for men to wear dresses; but she loves me and puts up with my actions. And I honor her by avoiding dresses in favor of skirts or ladies’ slacks. Talk to your wife when you can, and try to make her see that a piece of fabric is not sufficient reason to ruin a relationship.
Hugs,
Bettylou
hi sweetie, i really don´t know what to say, the situation is truly difficult to give any opinion, except that try to keep the calm, and pray to God, it will always help you a lot, you did the right thing, you tell her the truth about yourself, don´t push her, give her space and time, maybe write a letter, showing her how important she is for you, just make her remember the good times and that you are just a human being, with this particular situation in your life, that you don´t want to hurt her, you just wanted to share part of yourself with your partner, that it, God bless you and help you in your current situation, hugs felicity
I’m so sorry she felt that way but it happens one thing I know that won’t changes your desire to express your famine entity and dress up believe me I’ve tried quit for years the new yards came back stronger than ever I quit fighting it after awhile it just never it’s part of you part of me never going away good luck 💋
Nancy,
Just be prepared for a possibly worse reaction than you could have ever feared, which is what I got. I’m not sure how everything is going to eventually work out yet. So far lots of crying by both of us and some discussion, but my usual eloquence has been unfortunately eluding me when trying to get my point across.
Life sucks right now.Tricia
Tricia,
My heart goes out to you. Give her space and reassure her that she should feel free to express her thoughts and feeling. She is in shock, and if she does not want to talk at all, respect that. Let her go at her pace and don’t force it. Give her the time and space she needs to process this.
All that said, if she IS inclined to talk, then communicate honestly and keep communicating. In the end, honest communication is the only way through this.
Finally, if and when she is ready, there are some extremely helpful resources available here at CDH. Under the articles tab, you can find the “significant others perspectives.” Among the most useful articles for you right now could be this one: https://www.crossdresserheaven.com/to-the-partner-of-a-newly-outed-crossdresser-krista-editing/. There are numerous other ones like this.
With time she might also consider joining the significant others group here. But again, don’t force it. Hopefully, you will reach a point of understanding where she might be interested in participating here, or at least reading some of the articles. But I suspect that her reaction right now, and probably for some time, will be that she does not WANT to try to understand. In many ways, coming out probably feels akin to the loss of a loved one, with all the accompanying stages of grief (anger, denial, bargaining, etc.).
Just give her time and space and don’t force things. It’s been almost three years since I came out to my wife and she is still hesitant to discuss it – she tells me she is still processing and that is fine with me. As much as I would love to follow my own advice and regularly communicate with her about this, I stick to the idea that she should be the one to bring it up in conversation. If her way of processing is to not talk about it, I am willing to live with that. We basically have a don’t ask, don’t tell agreement. I know this is contradictory to my own advice, but this is no easy road to navigate – everyone is different.
Please hang in there, and I hope you and your wife are able to find your way through this difficult time.
Mona
Tricia,
You might want to take a look at the responses to the discussion of pride in being a crossdresser. You’d know better than I, but it might seem useful for your wife to see that many (if not most) of those gifted with the crossdressing gene end up being grateful for what it can/does bring to our lives. Just sayin’
FAM
Hi Tricia,
I’m so sorry you had to go through this. On the bright side, if there is one, you know where you stand with her. At least she didn’t pretend to be supportive or accepting and then 6 months or a year later she does a complete 180 on you. Just give her time, who knows, she may start to come around.
Good Luck!!!
Big Hug!!!
Robin
I’m so sorry you are going through this. She is in shock right now. The only thing you can do is give her time and space to process what you’ve told her. Just be honest with her if she wants to know more. As everyone else has said, I hope she comes round in the end and is willing to accept this side of you. Just be the same man to her you have always been to reassure her you’re still her loving husband. I wish you the best of luck in this difficult time.
Tricia,
You should not doubt your decision to talk to your wife despite this painful outcome. I wish I had the courage you did, it says something about the strength of your relationship and love for your wife. My now ex-wife discovered a dress in my office closet and essentially kicked me out of the house. It took several days until she would even discuss it and then we spent months in counseling. We did not have a good marriage, we had stayed together for the kids and in hind sight I think that’s why I never had the guts to tell her. No one likes a secret being kept from them, and especially not someone who loves you deeply, so this may not sound comforting but I think you need to separate her reaction to the dressing itself from her reaction to you keeping something hidden for so long. You’ve gotten lots of good advice here on how to proceed – you are on the right path so don’t feel shame or guilt (easy to say, I know) – take care of yourself while you give her space, remind yourself of all the reasons you love each other and know you still did the right thing in telling her.
Be strong
Crissy
Oh wow this is rough to hear, it happens and I wish you the best.
Give her time. This is a shock to her system, it sound like she doesn’t quite get it and is maybe lashing out. She should learn with time that you are still her ‘manly man’, just let her vent a little. Give her a few weeks to recover from the shock of it and maybe come back to talk more about it.
I hope things get better for you, Tricia, and am so sorry to hear what happened. It took tremendous courage to talk to her about that, and then to confide in us. I can’t imagine not being able to live as my authentic self, yet I cannot imagine the possibility of losing my wife because of that. I’m one of the lucky ones, my wife understands. I wish everyone could have that…
Beth,
Yes, you’re very lucky. Thanks for the kind words.
Tricia
I am so sorry to hear about your wife’s reaction. My own found out by accident (she saw an Amazon order). While she did not storm out, we have been treading in ROUGH water ever since… i hope both our wives come around and accept our complete selves… i understand it can be rough on them, but it is not an easy path for us either.
I really commend you on your courage.. it takes a lot to have the conversation. I wish that I had some of yours…
Good luck, with lots of prayers coming up your way.
Mikayla
I want to express my thanks to everyone here for sharing their own stories, experiences, thoughts and feelings regarding this very difficult situation. Your ongoing support is of immeasurable value to me and why I will maintain a presence here for the foreseeable future.
If I haven’t replied or thanked everyone personally that’s posted here, please forgive those omissions. I’m not meaning to slight or ignore anybody but am simply overwhelmed by everything going on with my life today. You’re all so beautiful…
I do want you all to know that things are improving just a little. My wife found a therapist that appears to be a good one for our situation and had an encouraging conversation with him a couple days ago. He not only told her some important facts about those like us, he said something to her about the origins of my discovery of my “second self” that I hadn’t myself considered. I’m going to see him tomorrow and am very much looking forward into gaining some possible insight into myself. There does appear to be some light at the end of the tunnel…
Once again, thanks so much to everyone for your concern. I will post some type of update when I can. Take care of yourselves and those you love.
Hugs to all,
Tricia
Pretty much the same thing here. After a couple days my SO talked to me and said as she can’t deal with me doing this around her. So it seems if I dress when she’s away it’s ok. Not the optimum situation but we didn’t split up like I expected. See what the future brings.
That’s good to hear Tricia, that things are improving some. My SO feels the same way. Her reaction wasn’t so bad. She was very bewildered and wondered (wonders) it something is “wrong” with her, as her first husband had the same “issue”. I
I recall wanting to tell her about me early on in our relationship, and we were discussing her first marriage. She confided in me about her first husband having this “fetish” and she could just not deal with it. That pushed me to the very back of the closet! No way was I going to tell her then. I eventually did, and it did not go well.
I try to keep it out of sight, but as of about 2 years ago, I started wearing womens jeans and shoes, flats and booties, that are womens but can easily can be worn by either gender. I know she’s not happy with that. She hates the fact that I keep my body hair (from the waist down) off completely. That and other things (I think) have led to a sexless marriage. Maybe twice in the last year have we been intimate. I miss that, but she won’t have any it.
🙁
Best to you, and I hope things improve even more.
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