• Creator
    Topic
  • #396170
    Jessica Wilde
    Participant
    Registered On: October 5, 2020
    Topics: 27
    Replies: 110
    Has thanked: 143 times
    Been thanked: 800 times

    So after coming out a week ago to my fiancé there is this thing hanging over our heads on daily basis. My crossdressing. She is struggling with it as I figured might be the case. I have tried to answer questions as she asks them but unfortunately she doesn’t ask many questions and relies on me to start conversation. I don’t do so because I know when she’s upset and I know that at that moment I need to be quiet or I will have my taken off by a very quick and sharp tongue.

    I love her with all my heart and soul! She is the world to me. I knew when I told her it was going to be a rough road. I was hoping for the best but knew better.

    Bless her heart she is all over the place. She’s mad one moment in tears the next and totally stuck on I want to be a woman. Transition to be exact. I can’t get her past it (the pink elephant). I don’t want to transition. I like my 2 halves that come together as whole.

    However I can’t hardly take this up and down and all over the place emotional state. I understand why it exists with her because until I accepted myself I was the same way minus being all pissed off as hell. That is the part I can’t handle. Being pussed and acting out because of it gets no one anywhere with anyone. Especially me. There is no call for it. She’s been slamming doors, fussing at our dogs, throwing things and generally acting out in manner that’s unacceptable.

    We had a very good talk 2 days ago about the whole situation. To the point that I was at ease for a just a minute. I thought she was working toward a better understanding of the situation. We have now reversed and are basically back to square one.

    If I could turn back time I would not have let the elephant even get near the house. I’m getting over the regret of telling her. The fear of loosing her and angst associated with that loss are very real. I have hurt her badly. That was not my intent. My honesty has created a terrible storm of emotion that I was not prepared for. It has also left this stupid elephant living here that I’m having a hard time dealing with.

    She wants me to talk to her but I’m not the one needing answers. I know what’s within me. I can’t read her mind and she can’t express her feelings to me. I do understand her anger for some reason. I realize that my dressing could be a point of contention but it’s not the end of the world.

    She wishes for normalcy as she said earlier today. She also said we can never go back to the way we were. I agree but disagree. I’m still the same person. I just let her know that there’s a part of me that is a part of the person she loves that she didn’t know about. I feel the same about her. Nothing has changed other than the fact that I told her about the fact I like to wear women’s clothes which she basically already knew due to my wearing of leggings and panties.

    One more quick thing. As we were talking earlier I referred to my feminine side as “she”. Lord have mercy at the shitstorm that created. It only cemented in her mind that there was a deeper issue. I want to be a woman. That was a terrible misstep on my part. I should have never referenced my feminine side a she. If she finds out her name i fear it will all be over.

    Thank you all for listening to my rants. Going through a hard time here and all of you are helping me get through it! I’m so glad I joined CDH! This is a truly supportive place!

    Hugs to everyone!

    Jessica

     

Viewing 33 reply threads
  • Author
    Replies
    • #401242
      Mandy Wife
      Participant
      Registered On: September 12, 2019
      Topics: 5
      Replies: 145
      Has thanked: 65 times
      Been thanked: 527 times

      Hi Jessica

      I hope you are doing OK.  I’m going to take my reply right back to your original post.

      I know you regret bringing the “pink elephant” into the room and with your fiance being upset and confused that is totally understandable.  But what’s done is done, and you can’t change that so please, try not to dwell on that and concentrate on the here, the now, and the future.

      Your fiance is confused, and I’m sure you can understand that.  She wants to talk to you but doesn’t start conversations – probably because she doesn’t know what to say or ask.  In her mind wearing feminine clothes = transitioning which is quite a common and probably natural thought process (along with are you gay, what have I done to cause this etc).

      You are trying to reassure her that this is not the case but she’s not believing you or thinks you are denying your true feelings, again, this thought process of hers is probably understandable as she doesn’t know what to believe at the moment and she is doubting her own instincts and knowledge of who your relationship was / is based on what she’s known in the past (how could she not have known / how did you keep it secret from her etc).

      Talking is key definitely.  But how do you talk when you don’t have a clue what you are talking about, and I stand Google searches on the subject can be pretty scary when you see fettish photos or are directed to websites that go on about transitioning (been there, had that!) And the lack of accurate, knowledgeable information and support for wives and SOs is shocking and isolating as well.

      The only thing I can suggest is reading the book (or ebook) Living with Crossdressing : defining s new normal by Savannah Haulk.

      It’s not about “this is who I am, learn to live with it and get on with it wife /SO” but it is about learning where the dressing comes from and accepting that, and also accepting that different people have different acceptance levels of themselves, their partners have different acceptance levels and you know what, that’s OK as well.

      It’s not going to be a “solution” to your situation but the number of conversations that book sparked between Penny-Jay and me was unreal – we both read it at the same time (and Penny-Jay doesn’t normally read books but I realised pretty quickly it would do her good as well)  and that in itself may help and also help answe some of the questions your fiance has but doesn’t realise what they are yet.

      xx

       

      4 users thanked author for this post.
    • #401199
      Focus And Sunshine
      Participant
      Registered On: April 2, 2020
      Topics: 6
      Replies: 50
      Has thanked: 60 times
      Been thanked: 150 times

      Only thing I can say here is try to learn about the stages of grief and loss.

      She is mourning the person she thought you were, the life she thought you had, and the life that she thought you were going to have together in the future. That’s all gone, it’s all been destroyed.

      Things can never go back to how they were before. You can’t get the ‘giant pink elephant’ out of the room, however much you try. It’s always going to be there now.

      There may, or may not, be a future there for you both. It depends on a lot of things. And she won’t know how she feels about it for a good while I imagine.

      That’s a lot of stuff to go through. That’s an absolute nightmare of a roller coaster scenario to go be going through. And it was one that she never imagined having to go on.

       

      I’m still the same person i was. We still have the same thing we had before and as for the future, no one knows or can see the future.

      To be honest, she’s on an emotional journey now, that she never imagined going on and never wanted to go on.

      Imagine the person that you trusted most suddenly whipping the carpet right out from under your feet, just out of the blue? No clues, no warning…nothing…bam! Suddenly, unexpectedly, your world has been turned upside down. And nothing makes sense any more.

      The person that you thought you knew is now a stranger, in the absolute blink of an eye. And I know you’re going to say ‘but I’m still the same person’. You’re not. You’ve revealed something really important about yourself that you’ve kept hidden and that has changed how she sees you.

      The sense of betrayal is immense. Loss of trust. Sense of confusion. I mean, can you even trust your own judgement any more, about anything at all, when it’s clearly been so wide off the mark? Because all this is such a surprise and shock and so out of the blue.

      I don’t think you quite understand how this affects a spouse or SO. They thought they knew you and who you were and what you were about. But out of the blue there is something entirely unsuspected and different. And it’s really, really difficult to cope with.

      If you are under any illusion that things are the same as they have been, or will go back to the way they were, before this came out, I honestly don’t think you quite grasp what’s going on here and the huge journey that this woman has to now go on.

      And then there is not only the knowledge and thoughts and unwanted images in your mind, but the fears. Who is this person that is now before me? Who even were they? What more are they going to land on me? When? Do they even know themselves? Trying to brace yourself against any future disclosures…when? How? What about?

      It’s the most awful rollercoaster and you can’t talk to anyone about it. Not your friends, not your family. The sense of loneliness and isolation are horrendous.

      I realize these things. I truly do. Don’t need anyone to make me feel any worse about the situation than I already do and believe me I feel pretty horrible about the whole mess.

      I can see that and understand that.

      But, in all honestly, I think you’re not quite understanding how fundamentally this has changed things.

      Not that things can’t ‘calm down’ some way in the future. But that might be a long way in the future, in terms of the emotional journey people have to go on to get to that point.

      Things aren’t the same as they were before and can never go back to being the same as they were before. Things will be different. And that’s by simple dint of the fact that something has happened. Throw into that, that’s it’s not just something that’s relatively trivial, but something major.

      You can’t control if, how, when she processes all of this, how long it takes, where it leads her (in terms of discovering what she wants for herself). Because you can’t control another person, however much you might want to – and maybe for the kindest reasons.

      I honestly hope you understand how life changing and overwhelming this all is for her. You may have spent a lifetime gradually processing this, getting used to this, very gently and slowly exploring this in yourself and for yourself.

      But this is something shockingly new to her. And something she never, ever imagined having to come face to face and deal with. Maybe something she never imagined wanting to have in her life.

      It’s akin to, I dunno, driving along in your car to work, being mid conversation with someone about whatever, something trivial and hum drum and every day, and then – BAM – a huge articulated lorry that you never even noticed was speeding towards you, crashes right into the side of you and takes your tiny little car right off the road, crushing it and injuring you.

      There’s a moment of stillness after, nothingness and shock, then a split second of terror of not knowing how badly you’ve been injured, and then the pain hits.

      And that’s only in the first few milliseconds after the crash.

      1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #400789
      Jessica Wilde
      Participant
      Registered On: October 5, 2020
      Topics: 27
      Replies: 110
      Has thanked: 143 times
      Been thanked: 800 times

      Only thing I can say here is try to learn about the stages of grief and loss.

      She is mourning the person she thought you were, the life she thought you had, and the life that she thought you were going to have together in the future. That’s all gone, it’s all been destroyed.

      Things can never go back to how they were before. You can’t get the ‘giant pink elephant’ out of the room, however much you try. It’s always going to be there now.

      There may, or may not, be a future there for you both. It depends on a lot of things. And she won’t know how she feels about it for a good while I imagine.

      That’s a lot of stuff to go through. That’s an absolute nightmare of a roller coaster scenario to go be going through. And it was one that she never imagined having to go on.

       

      I’m still the same person i was. We still have the same thing we had before and as for the future, no one knows or can see the future.

      To be honest, she’s on an emotional journey now, that she never imagined going on and never wanted to go on.

      Imagine the person that you trusted most suddenly whipping the carpet right out from under your feet, just out of the blue? No clues, no warning…nothing…bam! Suddenly, unexpectedly, your world has been turned upside down. And nothing makes sense any more.

      The person that you thought you knew is now a stranger, in the absolute blink of an eye. And I know you’re going to say ‘but I’m still the same person’. You’re not. You’ve revealed something really important about yourself that you’ve kept hidden and that has changed how she sees you.

      The sense of betrayal is immense. Loss of trust. Sense of confusion. I mean, can you even trust your own judgement any more, about anything at all, when it’s clearly been so wide off the mark? Because all this is such a surprise and shock and so out of the blue.

      I don’t think you quite understand how this affects a spouse or SO. They thought they knew you and who you were and what you were about. But out of the blue there is something entirely unsuspected and different. And it’s really, really difficult to cope with.

      If you are under any illusion that things are the same as they have been, or will go back to the way they were, before this came out, I honestly don’t think you quite grasp what’s going on here and the huge journey that this woman has to now go on.

      And then there is not only the knowledge and thoughts and unwanted images in your mind, but the fears. Who is this person that is now before me? Who even were they? What more are they going to land on me? When? Do they even know themselves? Trying to brace yourself against any future disclosures…when? How? What about?

      It’s the most awful rollercoaster and you can’t talk to anyone about it. Not your friends, not your family. The sense of loneliness and isolation are horrendous.

      I realize these things. I truly do. Don’t need anyone to make me feel any worse about the situation than I already do and believe me I feel pretty horrible about the whole mess.

      1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #400780
      Focus And Sunshine
      Participant
      Registered On: April 2, 2020
      Topics: 6
      Replies: 50
      Has thanked: 60 times
      Been thanked: 150 times

      Only thing I can say here is try to learn about the stages of grief and loss.

      She is mourning the person she thought you were, the life she thought you had, and the life that she thought you were going to have together in the future. That’s all gone, it’s all been destroyed.

      Things can never go back to how they were before. You can’t get the ‘giant pink elephant’ out of the room, however much you try. It’s always going to be there now.

      There may, or may not, be a future there for you both. It depends on a lot of things. And she won’t know how she feels about it for a good while I imagine.

      That’s a lot of stuff to go through. That’s an absolute nightmare of a roller coaster scenario to go be going through. And it was one that she never imagined having to go on.

       

      I’m still the same person i was. We still have the same thing we had before and as for the future, no one knows or can see the future.

      To be honest, she’s on an emotional journey now, that she never imagined going on and never wanted to go on.

      Imagine the person that you trusted most suddenly whipping the carpet right out from under your feet, just out of the blue? No clues, no warning…nothing…bam! Suddenly, unexpectedly, your world has been turned upside down. And nothing makes sense any more.

      The person that you thought you knew is now a stranger, in the absolute blink of an eye. And I know you’re going to say ‘but I’m still the same person’. You’re not. You’ve revealed something really important about yourself that you’ve kept hidden and that has changed how she sees you.

      The sense of betrayal is immense. Loss of trust. Sense of confusion. I mean, can you even trust your own judgement any more, about anything at all, when it’s clearly been so wide off the mark? Because all this is such a surprise and shock and so out of the blue.

      I don’t think you quite understand how this affects a spouse or SO. They thought they knew you and who you were and what you were about. But out of the blue there is something entirely unsuspected and different. And it’s really, really difficult to cope with.

      If you are under any illusion that things are the same as they have been, or will go back to the way they were, before this came out, I honestly don’t think you quite grasp what’s going on here and the huge journey that this woman has to now go on.

      And then there is not only the knowledge and thoughts and unwanted images in your mind, but the fears. Who is this person that is now before me? Who even were they? What more are they going to land on me? When? Do they even know themselves? Trying to brace yourself against any future disclosures…when? How? What about?

      It’s the most awful rollercoaster and you can’t talk to anyone about it. Not your friends, not your family. The sense of loneliness and isolation are horrendous.

      3 users thanked author for this post.
    • #400763
      Jessica Wilde
      Participant
      Registered On: October 5, 2020
      Topics: 27
      Replies: 110
      Has thanked: 143 times
      Been thanked: 800 times

      Only thing I can say here is try to learn about the stages of grief and loss.

      She is mourning the person she thought you were, the life she thought you had, and the life that she thought you were going to have together in the future. That’s all gone, it’s all been destroyed.

      Things can never go back to how they were before. You can’t get the ‘giant pink elephant’ out of the room, however much you try. It’s always going to be there now.

      There may, or may not, be a future there for you both. It depends on a lot of things. And she won’t know how she feels about it for a good while I imagine.

      That’s a lot of stuff to go through. That’s an absolute nightmare of a roller coaster scenario to go be going through. And it was one that she never imagined having to go on.

       

      I’m still the same person i was. We still have the same thing we had before and as for the future, no one knows or can see the future.

      2 users thanked author for this post.
      • #401111
        Zoe North
        Participant
        Registered On: February 24, 2020
        Topics: 11
        Replies: 60
        Has thanked: 138 times
        Been thanked: 183 times

        No, you are not the same person to her anymore!! You might be the same person to you but you have been hiding a large part of yourself from your SO the entire time you have been together. Not only have you been hiding your feminine side, but your SO now knows you have a capacity to be deceitful that she never thought possible. You are a stranger to her and she know needs to get to know you all over again but this time the whole you, not just the parts you have allowed her to get to know in the past!

    • #400681
      Focus And Sunshine
      Participant
      Registered On: April 2, 2020
      Topics: 6
      Replies: 50
      Has thanked: 60 times
      Been thanked: 150 times

      Only thing I can say here is try to learn about the stages of grief and loss.

      She is mourning the person she thought you were, the life she thought you had, and the life that she thought you were going to have together in the future. That’s all gone, it’s all been destroyed.

      Things can never go back to how they were before. You can’t get the ‘giant pink elephant’ out of the room, however much you try. It’s always going to be there now.

      There may, or may not, be a future there for you both. It depends on a lot of things. And she won’t know how she feels about it for a good while I imagine.

      That’s a lot of stuff to go through. That’s an absolute nightmare of a roller coaster scenario to go be going through. And it was one that she never imagined having to go on.

       

      1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #400380
      Jessica Wilde
      Participant
      Registered On: October 5, 2020
      Topics: 27
      Replies: 110
      Has thanked: 143 times
      Been thanked: 800 times

      Hi Jessica , I’m Natalie.

      i was married 8 years when I came out to my ex wife ( we stayed married for another 25 yrs) I would’ve never told her because I was positive she would never understand or accept. The big question I’ve never been able to fully understand is why did I ever marry her in the first place . Probably because I was naive enough at 22 to think I could stop.

      I came out because I had to not because I wanted to . She found two pair of panties stuffed in the pocket of a pair of pants i mistakenly throw in the wash . She through the I was cheating on her . Turns out that would’ve probably been better to admit to than I’m a crossdresser. She acted exactly the way I expected… not good.
      I said exactly the same thing to my wife that you said to your fiancé. “ I’m the same man, husband , lover , father , that I was before you found the panties “ she didn’t buy it and your fiancé may not either . You have one thing going that I never had , your girl has at least had conversations with you about it. Has bad has it’s been there still is some form of dialogue going on . My ex never showed the anger yours has but that’s because my she had zero compassion and empathy. Anger is Her way of expressing herself ( a long with slamming doors ) in away she has had a loss and is mourning . There are many stages of loss . Its going to take time to make it through all of them. You can’t walk into the  forest for years then turn around and expect to be back out in a few days or weeks .
      give her time. Hopefully she will eventually realize your the same partner you’ve always been , a lifetime partner who will be more caring, more connected to her femininity , will understand her more than the average guy , and possibly have a larger wardrobe.
      just take small steps

      my thoughts are with both of you

      love
      Natalie

      Thank you so much. That was quite helpful as almost all the other replies have been helpful also. I especially liked the wondering in the woods analogy. Great way to state that point.

    • #400260
      Natalie Jones
      Participant
      Registered On: September 20, 2020
      Topics: 1
      Replies: 16
      Has thanked: 22 times
      Been thanked: 79 times

      Hi Jessica , I’m Natalie.

      i was married 8 years when I came out to my ex wife ( we stayed married for another 25 yrs) I would’ve never told her because I was positive she would never understand or accept. The big question I’ve never been able to fully understand is why did I ever marry her in the first place . Probably because I was naive enough at 22 to think I could stop.

      I came out because I had to not because I wanted to . She found two pair of panties stuffed in the pocket of a pair of pants i mistakenly throw in the wash . She through the I was cheating on her . Turns out that would’ve probably been better to admit to than I’m a crossdresser. She acted exactly the way I expected… not good.
      I said exactly the same thing to my wife that you said to your fiancé. “ I’m the same man, husband , lover , father , that I was before you found the panties “ she didn’t buy it and your fiancé may not either . You have one thing going that I never had , your girl has at least had conversations with you about it. Has bad has it’s been there still is some form of dialogue going on . My ex never showed the anger yours has but that’s because my she had zero compassion and empathy. Anger is Her way of expressing herself ( a long with slamming doors ) in away she has had a loss and is mourning . There are many stages of loss . Its going to take time to make it through all of them. You can’t walk into the  forest for years then turn around and expect to be back out in a few days or weeks .
      give her time. Hopefully she will eventually realize your the same partner you’ve always been , a lifetime partner who will be more caring, more connected to her femininity , will understand her more than the average guy , and possibly have a larger wardrobe.
      just take small steps

      my thoughts are with both of you

      love
      Natalie

      3 users thanked author for this post.
    • #396876
      Jessica Wilde
      Participant
      Registered On: October 5, 2020
      Topics: 27
      Replies: 110
      Has thanked: 143 times
      Been thanked: 800 times

      Agreed, Jessica, I thank the wives as well, your comments are so enlightening and meaningfull, to all of us.
      Regine

      Enlightening I’m not so sure of. Sincere and heartfelt definitely. This site has been a great source of information,  inspiration, help and healing for me. The people here are a special group in many, many ways. I’m so very glad I chose to be a part of it.

      1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #396864
      Regine Rich
      Participant
      Registered On: October 9, 2020
      Topics: 11
      Replies: 182
      Has thanked: 1825 times
      Been thanked: 656 times

      Agreed, Jessica, I thank the wives as well, your comments are so enlightening and meaningfull, to all of us.
      Regine

    • #396858
      Jessica Wilde
      Participant
      Registered On: October 5, 2020
      Topics: 27
      Replies: 110
      Has thanked: 143 times
      Been thanked: 800 times

      Can I just say to the 3 wives who have reached out to me (all of us on here cause when you reach out to one you reach out to many on here ) thank you so much! You’re insight and advice are invaluable in this situation! I’m sure that others here certainly appreciate your words of kindness and knowledge of the situation from an insider’s view. I know I do. Once again thanks for joining in the conversation! We want and need your input also.

      1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #396856
      Vanessa Vanreed
      Participant
      Registered On: May 7, 2020
      Topics: 1
      Replies: 36
      Has thanked: 26 times
      Been thanked: 170 times

      When I came out to my wife of 25+ years we both read a book living with Crossdressing the new normal by savanna hawk. It was her who found it and it saved my marriage. Today we celebrate all 360 degrees of my personality.

      vanessa

      2 users thanked author for this post.
    • #396854
      Jessica Wilde
      Participant
      Registered On: October 5, 2020
      Topics: 27
      Replies: 110
      Has thanked: 143 times
      Been thanked: 800 times

      I don’t know what to say!

      Actually, that is not true. I could go on and on and on, but to what point?

      I think you were right to be honest and open. It was the proper thing to do and worthy of praise. I suppose you have to get her to open up about what she is feeling. Not rant or blame just explain. Perhaps by expressing herself she may understand her own subjective point-of-view more clearly. Maybe write her a letter? Maybe she should write you a letter?

      Araminta.

      That’s an interesting concept right there. Hmmm that has the wheels turning.

    • #396837
      Linda Lee
      Participant
      Registered On: October 18, 2020
      Topics: 0
      Replies: 11
      Has thanked: 23 times
      Been thanked: 42 times

      Unfortunately I agree  with you I could  never tell but all the luck and best wishes  to those who take the leap of honesty

      1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #396830
      Araminta Purdy
      Participant
      Registered On: January 23, 2020
      Topics: 1
      Replies: 179
      Has thanked: 220 times
      Been thanked: 544 times

      I don’t know what to say!

      Actually, that is not true. I could go on and on and on, but to what point?

      I think you were right to be honest and open. It was the proper thing to do and worthy of praise. I suppose you have to get her to open up about what she is feeling. Not rant or blame just explain. Perhaps by expressing herself she may understand her own subjective point-of-view more clearly. Maybe write her a letter? Maybe she should write you a letter?

      Araminta.

      1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #396810
      Zoe North
      Participant
      Registered On: February 24, 2020
      Topics: 11
      Replies: 60
      Has thanked: 138 times
      Been thanked: 183 times

      Another wife of a cross dresser here! If she has only known for a week then you have a long way to go yet! It has been 8 months since I found out (by accident) that my husband is a cross dresser and I’m still angry! But I’m also still here because I love him very much.

      I don’t know how long you have been together but for me it’s the secrecy and deception that I’m angry about! Truthfully I don’t even know how I feel about the dressing.

      Your SO has just had her world turned upside down & the rug pulled out from under her in one fail swoop! I described it like being pushed into the deep end of a swimming pool when I wasn’t looking & drowning.

      Another problem for me is that I can’t talk to anyone! I can’t turn to my normal support network of family and friends to rant or rave or cry! She maybe can’t say the things she wants to say to you for fear of hurting you or what your response might be, so all these feelings & questions are building up inside her with no outlet.

      Know she knows you need to help her pick up the pieces and start putting your relationship back together. Keep reassuring her & telling her you love her & you are thinking of her. Give her space but not so much space she starts thinking you don’t care. If she says she doesn’t want to talk about it then respect her decision but don’t make it her responsibility to start the conversation. Keep letting her know you are ready to talk any time she wants. Keep hugging her and looking after her.

      Good luck. I really hope that together you can work this out and come through the other side stronger for it. Sending big hugs

      7 users thanked author for this post.
    • #396716
      Honey T
      Participant
      Registered On: October 19, 2019
      Topics: 1
      Replies: 38
      Has thanked: 13 times
      Been thanked: 129 times

      I’m the wife of a long time closeted cross dresser. Our closet door burst about a year ago & I was terrified of what it meant for the relationship that I knew. The deception devastated me! It took about four months to settle down & be able to trust that what he told me was honest… that he still loved me & wanted to be with me, that he wasn’t interested in transitioning, that he wasn’t actually gay. I’m not sure why, but those were my biggest fears.
      She probably needs time to process this new information. It’s a very good sign that she’s still around. I’m sure you thought long & hard about telling her, she deserves the same amount of time & thoughts in hopes of being at ease with this new dimension. I applaud you for your disclosure! Your relationship should be one deserving of honesty.

    • #396600
      Jessica Wilde
      Participant
      Registered On: October 5, 2020
      Topics: 27
      Replies: 110
      Has thanked: 143 times
      Been thanked: 800 times

      Cis wife here.  I love my husband deeply. I know it’s hard to understand her feelings and that some of her comments are going to be hard to hear. She has a lot of processing that she needs to go through.  But, if after a week she is still there, she wants to make it work. I did too. It took me a long time to start to understand what my husband was going through at the same time that I was having a hard time! And I am still learn knew things after years of being with him.  Don’t give up on her, don’t pressure her to talk about it, make sure you remind her that you are still deeply in love with her and that she is your world, don’t get too excited and try to talk about it for hours. Answer the questions she asks, but don’t try to add to your answers. Too much info at once can be overwhelming. Once you both start to few comfortable, you will be amazed at how much stronger your relationship will become. Don’t give up on her, because it sounds like she isn’t giving up on you!

      Thank you so much! You have made me cry. I want so much for her to understand and she’s been all mad as hell for most of the night again. Were you mad when he confessed to you? I don’t understand the anger and it’s not helping anything. It’s just making it worse. I was honest and all it did is create a huge mess that may or may not leave or relationship in shambles.

    • #396552
      Crystal Powers
      Participant
      Registered On: October 20, 2020
      Topics: 1
      Replies: 3
      Has thanked: 2 times
      Been thanked: 11 times

      Cis wife here.  I love my husband deeply. I know it’s hard to understand her feelings and that some of her comments are going to be hard to hear. She has a lot of processing that she needs to go through.  But, if after a week she is still there, she wants to make it work. I did too. It took me a long time to start to understand what my husband was going through at the same time that I was having a hard time! And I am still learn knew things after years of being with him.  Don’t give up on her, don’t pressure her to talk about it, make sure you remind her that you are still deeply in love with her and that she is your world, don’t get too excited and try to talk about it for hours. Answer the questions she asks, but don’t try to add to your answers. Too much info at once can be overwhelming. Once you both start to few comfortable, you will be amazed at how much stronger your relationship will become. Don’t give up on her, because it sounds like she isn’t giving up on you!

      6 users thanked author for this post.
    • #396548
      Vanity Fair
      Participant
      Registered On: November 1, 2019
      Topics: 10
      Replies: 14
      Has thanked: 330 times
      Been thanked: 280 times

      Thank you for sharing. I would never tell my S.O. for fear of these exact feelings. I sympathize with your plight, Your way brave a girl than me. God bless you sister..

      1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #396541
      Rachel Cross
      Participant
      Registered On: October 13, 2020
      Topics: 19
      Replies: 155
      Has thanked: 919 times
      Been thanked: 803 times

      i am not in a relationship with anyone, but i see things differently. i see women as starting out beautiful and as they age they are not as good looking. as for a man. they start out goofy looking and look better with age. now you are changing into a beautiful woman and she is not as beautiful as she once was. that must make her feel like shes not going to be the sexiest one anymore. its sad to say, but your body hasnt gone through child birth, falling breast and everything else that takes it toll on a real womans body. we all want to stay young looking. for you its easy. shave your legs, put on some fake titties, a dress and a wig. instant woman. while she looks at the past and your looking at the future. i know i sounds bad, but best of luck to you. hope this shines a little light on your problem.

      1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #396533
      Regine Rich
      Participant
      Registered On: October 9, 2020
      Topics: 11
      Replies: 182
      Has thanked: 1825 times
      Been thanked: 656 times

      Hugs,Jessica.

    • #396418
      Heather Harrison
      Participant
      Registered On: August 3, 2020
      Topics: 10
      Replies: 117
      Has thanked: 719 times
      Been thanked: 519 times

      My wife told me she isn’t a lesbian and I could certainly understand her viewpoint. The compromise was when it was time for bed, her man was in bed with her and not Heather. It has worked out.

      1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #396404
      Rei Durden
      Participant
      Registered On: October 11, 2020
      Topics: 14
      Replies: 467
      Has thanked: 2919 times
      Been thanked: 1721 times

      Much of the emotional roller coaster your SO is expressing is similar to that of my wife. Not so much the acting out, but the smiles and cheerfulness one moment followed closely by open hostility and defensiveness.
      I find myself reeling as I try to keep up with changes, internally taking a deep breath and trying to take it in stride. As overwhelming as I found her emotional flip flopping I realize that she must be 1000 times more off balance when she sees Rei walk in the room where once it was only her childhood sweetheart.
      As someone else pointed out, if it’s taken you (me, any of us) years to come to terms with our ‘self’ what can we expect from our SO but the same.
      It sucks, no doubt about it, but this too shall pass. Sending you good thoughts and feelings, Rei

      4 users thanked author for this post.
    • #396391
      DeeAnn Hopings
      Participant
      Registered On: November 10, 2019
      Topics: 11
      Replies: 676
      Has thanked: 9 times
      Been thanked: 1655 times

      A huge problem with our partner accepting us, and we claiming we are still the same is- to our partner we are not the same person they fell in love with.

      Their perception of us is different.

      Suddenly they find themselves in a quasi / part time lesbian relationship.

       

      This is a common reaction…

      6 users thanked author for this post.
    • #396362
      DeeAnn Hopings
      Participant
      Registered On: November 10, 2019
      Topics: 11
      Replies: 676
      Has thanked: 9 times
      Been thanked: 1655 times

      Jessica

      The elephant going to visiting for a while, grab a seat…and probably a drink.

      I appluad you for having the courage to tell her, thus keeping honesty in your relationship. Time, its going to take time for her to replay and study (in micro sections) your recent conversations and formulate questions, arguments, and forward options, before she process any more.

      Be patient with her, let her know subtely that you’ll make yourself available whenever she’s ready to talk more and hopefully she’ll come oit the other side with a positive or at least neutral outlook on things.

      Fingers crossed for both of you,

      Olivia

       

      And maybe pack a lunch?!?!

      5 users thanked author for this post.
    • #396317
      stephanie plumb
      Participant
      Registered On: November 17, 2018
      Topics: 97
      Replies: 889
      Has thanked: 1049 times
      Been thanked: 3338 times

      I was in a similar situation. Time is a great healer.

      You need a lot of patience, so give her time to process it, and don’t try to initiate conversations about it.    Rather, carry on exactly as you did before you came out. Let her see that nothing has really changed. Let normal routine come back.   Be careful not to do things to keep her sweet – she will almost certainly pick up on this as you trying to talk her round.  And don’t be moody or withdrawn, she will see it either as you punishing her or trying to make her feel guilty.   If she does talk, agree to any conditions she wishes to impose. it’s a sign that she is coming to terms with you.  It’s going to be hard to do…. but what other choice do you have?

      We had a bumpy road for two years or more, but ever so slowly we normalised things, and now she accepts me with conditions, and our relationship is improving.

      Hang on in there and good luck.

    • #396289
      Debbie Werner
      Participant
      Registered On: September 12, 2020
      Topics: 2
      Replies: 45
      Has thanked: 285 times
      Been thanked: 183 times

      My SO has the Lesbian issue also, I am walking through this very slowly.

      Debbie

      2 users thanked author for this post.
    • #396287
      Jessica Wilde
      Participant
      Registered On: October 5, 2020
      Topics: 27
      Replies: 110
      Has thanked: 143 times
      Been thanked: 800 times

      A huge problem with our partner accepting us, and we claiming we are still the same is- to our partner we are not the same person they fell in love with.

      Their perception of us is different.

      Suddenly they find themselves in a quasi / part time lesbian relationship.

       

      You are so right. She does feel like she is in a partially lesbian relationship which never wanted because she is not a lesbian and her perception of me has completely changed forever. However I remain the same. Jessica was part of me before. She just didn’t know about her.

      6 users thanked author for this post.
    • #396283
      Mary Jane
      Participant
      Registered On: September 30, 2020
      Topics: 5
      Replies: 57
      Has thanked: 118 times
      Been thanked: 259 times

      A huge problem with our partner accepting us, and we claiming we are still the same is- to our partner we are not the same person they fell in love with.

      Their perception of us is different.

      Suddenly they find themselves in a quasi / part time lesbian relationship.

       

      4 users thanked author for this post.
    • #396246
      Jessica Wilde
      Participant
      Registered On: October 5, 2020
      Topics: 27
      Replies: 110
      Has thanked: 143 times
      Been thanked: 800 times

      Thanks girls. I’m laying here crying in bed. I want so much for her to accept all of me. The big handsome man and the beautiful woman (figuratively, not literally) that I am. This is quite possibly one of if not the hardest things I’ve ever dealt with. All the emotions are overwhelming. Thanks to you all!

      Love,hugs and kisses to my girls! Every one of you!

      Jessica

      6 users thanked author for this post.
    • #396207
      DeeAnn Hopings
      Participant
      Registered On: November 10, 2019
      Topics: 11
      Replies: 676
      Has thanked: 9 times
      Been thanked: 1655 times

      Obviously it is a difficult situation for all concerned and there seems to be a range of responses. Some understand the situation pretty readily, but others need a lot of processing time. Still others never get it.

      Unfortunately, you are not the first to be in this situation and sadly you weren’t be the last. There’s not way of telling how this situation will go. I don’t know if anyone can predict what will happen.

      One thing that does come to mind is that, in my opinion, being outed by someone else is a far worse situation. It puts one on the defensive and it is very hard to have any sort of meaningful conversation. Once stuff blows up it is VERY difficult to get it back.

      4 users thanked author for this post.
    • #396199
      Olivia Livin
      Participant
      Registered On: October 22, 2018
      Topics: 35
      Replies: 1461
      Has thanked: 6353 times
      Been thanked: 3432 times

      Jessica

      The elephant going to visiting for a while, grab a seat…and probably a drink.

      I appluad you for having the courage to tell her, thus keeping honesty in your relationship. Time, its going to take time for her to replay and study (in micro sections) your recent conversations and formulate questions, arguments, and forward options, before she process any more.

      Be patient with her, let her know subtely that you’ll make yourself available whenever she’s ready to talk more and hopefully she’ll come oit the other side with a positive or at least neutral outlook on things.

      Fingers crossed for both of you,

      Olivia

       

      5 users thanked author for this post.
    • #396191
      Anonymous
      Inactive
      Registered On:
      Topics: 0
      Replies: 38
      Has thanked: 26 times
      Been thanked: 211 times

      Just remember this is huge for her, your talking a week with talking on and off It takes US years to fully come to terms with ourselves if we ever do. How do you expect her to over a week.

      I think you will need to play the long game on this one if you want to make it work, Take things slowly don’t refere as yourself as her or she when you do talk this will be far to much for her

      And don’t keep bringing it up even tho you want to get things sorted out, She is the one battling with her feelings about it and needs time to adjust, if you don’t give her that time she will never come to terms with it. If you do talk to much there’s alot to take in and you seem to want to get it all in at once. you say it’s not the end of the world this may be but she may feel differently for a while.

      This is how i see it hun i’m no expert Good luck

      4 users thanked author for this post.
Viewing 33 reply threads
  • The topic ‘Can someone please get this giant pink elephant out of the room’ is closed to new replies.
Subscribe To Our Newsletter

Subscribe To Our Newsletter

Join our mailing list to receive the latest news and updates from Crossdresser Heaven.

You have Successfully Subscribed!

Log in with your credentials

or    

Forgot your details?

Create Account

If you don't see the captcha above please disable ad and tracking blockers and reload the page.