- This topic has 30 replies, 28 voices, and was last updated 2 years ago by
.
- Posts
I’ve been thinking a lot about coming out to others beside my wife,but I believe I’ve decided to hold off for at the very least, a year or so. I posted recently about telling adult children and got several great replies. I also have started a new job and one of my colleagues is a lesbian. She’s very friendly and loves to chat so I was thinking she might be a good one to tell. I feel at present very much like I would like to get this out in the open, however I have come to the conclusion that the negatives outweigh the positives at least at present. This is too big an issue for some to simply hear and then move on. This will inevitably color everyone’s feeling toward me and for the most part, in a negative way. I can always tell them if I decide the time is right, but once told, I can never un-tell them. So for now, Catherine remains in the closet, and I will live with it.
Love to hear your thoughts,
Catherine
Hi Catherine,
I think you’re right to be careful. As Steph says office culture can be weird. It’s not as if you are telling a very trusted friend who would keep a secret.
And I also understand the feeling of wanting to come out – it can really become frustrating. Like you, I’ve backed away for now, but at the same time, it doesn’t mean I won’t at some stage.
Marti xxx
There’s no right or wrong answer with this, Catherine!
I opt for the “dart” approach. If anyone throws a web-dart and lands on femmy-me, then deal with it! It’s your issue, not mine.
Apologies, but I sometimes get a bit hot under-the-collar when there’s this notion that I’m the one who has to justify my life.
(I think some of the ladies here are rubbing off on me! You know who you are! LOL!!)
Hugs, Barb 🌶
Catherine,
please be careful who you tell. As someone who’s crossdressing was outed you never know how someone will react. Someone can appear open minded but non actually be on this topic. I read another post earlier of a husband who came out to a wife he thought would understand , she wasn’t and it’s been a difficult road. I agree with Stephanie the office is no place for this idea.
Natalie
As much as you know,or think you know, someone it could all go wrong. It is a big risk you have in telling someone. Clearly you are in this process and have had some positives so you look forward.
Think of the five W’s. Who, What, Why, Where and When. Who to tell, What purpose does it serve to you, Why are you saying it, Where is a good place and when.
I have outed to many people over the tears so here’s my example.
I wanted to tell a person at work.
Who? A colleague who I had worked with for years and she had confided a few things with me that I had to keep to myself. I knew a lot about her and she me – except the dressing. She would often ask about my personal life and was miffed why I had not been married as she opined I would make a great partner. I felt I could trust her.
What purpose – To come out more.
Why – To answer a question she had as to why I wasn’t in a relationship.
When – Within a week of making the decision and arranging the time.
Where – A coffee shop in a garden centre we had been to before, outside of work.
I thought about the meeting and said I had something to tell her and she realised it was important and that in my doing so lessened the chance of me turning back. I thought I would take some photos with me and then I had a rush. I turned up dressed! She was waiting outside and I walked right up to her and it took her a short while to realise who it was. Then it was smiles, a big hug and long chat. She never disclosed the secret at work only suggesting, with my approval, others to tell. Not one of the others said anything and it was one of the best things I have done.
At that time I was very comfortable with myself and had a high level of confidence as I had been through the process with family, some neighbours and a couple of very trusted friends.
If you feel you need to come out about yourself more there is a need to exercise caution and realise that there are people out there who look as if they would be accepting but are quite the contrary. In life there are risks and if we didn’t take one or two we wouldn’t get far. Just assess before going forward and who knows.
Catherine, I’m right there with you when it comes to wanting to tell people. My circle that knows is very small… my wife, therapist, adult middle stepson that still lives with us, and recently told the lady that has been waxing my chest for over a year. Thankfully I have not received any negative responses, only positive. This positive affirmation has been so important to me! The fact that I’ve always had to hide this part of me has only reinforced in my mind that “Geena” is wrong/perverted/sick/twisted and needed to be kept in the closet — hence, the therapist I talk to every 2 weeks, lol. You are also like me and still in the working world. Taking the chance of it damaging my career is too scary for me too! Most days I just want to scream F*CK at the top of my lungs – why do we have to hide!? Anyway, enough of my rambling, just wanted you to know you are not alone with your frustrations.
Geena 😊😊
Catherine, only you know where you are at. Seems like you are between a rock and a hard place. Sounds like you would very much like to be out to at least a few. Maybe a few weeks or months the ‘need’ to be out will be just so overwelming. Your lesbian colleague may be the person to start with??? Or maybe being in the closet will be enough for you for years to come. Only you can decide that.
I am not the right person to coming out at work. First I can’t lose my job because of CD. Second I am already 67 so I could just retire if I were to be ‘hassled’ by co-workers – could also file discrimination charges, which in my workplace I would likely win, but I really don’t want to – for the most part my co-workers are good people. Third I am sure there is already a lot of talk behind my back -first with my longer hair a year ago and now with my longer lt. blue nails ( and red thumb nails).
Also after my X found out and threatened to tell my brothers I told them myself. Now there is no worry about them finding out accidently,and 3 of the 4 of them have no problems with it.
Now I am trying to figure out how and to whom to come out to at church and talk to a Priest ( I converted to Catholic 35 years ago)about it.. . . ..Cassie
Hi Catherine, I always tend to jump in with two feet, so I did. I have been dressing seriously for about a year and 3 months in I went public, fully. My first trip out was to work. Everyone was fully supportive and in the entire time I’ve been out dressed I’ve not had a major issue. All my colleagues accept me and some actually prefer me as Trish. 6 months in I went full time and have not regretted it for a second.
I will caviate this statement by saying I live in Manchester England, which is a very accepting place with a strong LGBTQ community and I am protected by strong employment and discrimination laws, not that I’ve even had to think about ever filing a complaint against anyone regarding my dress or sexuality.
Personally I think if you think your lesbian friend will accept you I’d go for it, but its your life and only you can decide.
Love Trisha
Hi Catherine
I have been in the closet for 50 years now, I think your doing the right thing by holding off telling people. You have to be so careful who you tell I think the secret is to be sure of someone and know there circle of friends & family. I have seen people who I thought were open minded react badly to people with alternative lifestyles, If I ever come out it will be family who I really know and trust. Best wishes to you and what road you take in the future, we are all here for you
and accepting.
Love Sarah
xx
Unless someone has given consistent unconditional support, it’s not a risk you’ll want to take. Some very good people just can’t deal with either a truth or a perspective that does not align with their vision of the world. So, your truth will haunt them and interfere with any normalcy. Added to this, an overwhelming number of people have no genuine concept of boundaries. Oddly enough, you may find (I hope you do) someone who is a veritable stranger who will and can provide better support because they are not burdened by preconceived or long-held concepts and feelings about who you are. Jesus said, “A prophet is not without honor, except in his own land!”
FAMThe thought of just coming out is such a hard one, once you tell there is no turning back, I have been on this site now for 6 years, The advise that has been given is priceless THANKS TO ALL THE AMAZING GIRLS AND SO THAT ARE HERE, (I had to shout that out_)
My wife had told some of her close friends, then some more and so on, just remember that when the genie is out of the bottle there is no turning back.
I so won’t to tell the whole world about myself , unfortunately most of the people around myself would never understand
Paula XXX
Catherine, just my personal thoughts: it seems you are too focused on what others will think and how they’ll react, without considering yourself.
For me, I believe keeping “the big secret” added stress and took years off my life. If for you, like for me, your feminine side is a real authentic part of you, then not expressing that part will take a toll on your health, both mentally and physically.
Another point is that I thought people cared or noticed far more than they do. I’ve told all my adult kids, some relatives and friends, and all the neighbors. And guess what? They were all very accepting and loving.
So if the people you love love you, I believe they will accept you if you honestly explain this exciting new authentic part of YOU. If they truly love you, they will love ALL of you, including Catherine.
That said, some may not accept Catherine. And if that is the case, I believe they never really love YOU.
And besides, life is too short not to live it fully. For some it ends sooner then they hoped. So putting off living your authentic self for another year could be one year too many…
Hope these scrambled thoughts help.
Hugs
Jules
💖🌈👩I am of two minds on this question.
At work, I can never come out, the position I hold and the people I work with, it just wouldn’t fly.
Away from work, it’s another story. We(my wife and I) have confided with several people, and they are all overjoyed for us. My philosophy here is I am living my life for me, not anyone else, and the and the more my brain, and my heart, coalesce, the more I want to just be the woman I feel inside, at least away from work.
That being said, I haven’t had the courage to tell my adult sons, but it is getting closer, I just want to be me
Hugs, Regi👸💖I have been out-of-the-closet for years, locally, in my own community, as well as when I travel out of town. The only time I regretted sharing my female self with others was when I came out to several old US Navy shipmates. Yes, perhaps it is something I should have given more thought to and considered the long term effects. Most were accepting. A very few were totally shocked. I believe the relationship of most, with me, has been permanently altered. In retrospect, I should have given my decision much more thought.
Hi Catherine. There will always be a Fear factor and the possibility of losing acquaintances. Fear we can overcome, losing some friends we must accept that possibility. Those you lose were probably not good friends to begin with though, right? As has been said, those who love you, love you, regardless.
You had mentioned coming out to some… that’s great! Some does not mean all. Confide in a friend or two – your lesbian friend sounds promising. There is no rule stating you must come out by shouting it from a mountain top, just choose a trusted confidant or two. It is a great feeling, and gets easier as you go.
Just do not deny yourself hon. You’re too important for that, and deserve to live your life, not the life others choose for you to live. 🙂
Stevie
Hey Gang,
I get what some like Julie have said about being genuine and true to self. I would love to dress as I choose in any company or circumstances, but that is a pipe-dream regardless of whomever I might tell. So, I dress androgynously & anonymously. That said, I believe one of the gifts and benefits of our propensities is our perspective on femininity and our affinity for “most-things-women!” I do achieve satisfaction by displaying my understanding of the struggle of women in our culture. While many cis women feel burdened and victimized in the toxic masculinity that denigrates female capabilities, our admiration and emulation can’t help but change the climate for those we have chance to encounter.
FAMYes, you cant unring a bell but let’s think about it for a moment. You were talking to a lesbian. How did you know that? There was a time not too long ago where that would have been shameful and kept in the closet. Only the few who openly admitted their sexuality moved the ball down the field a little further until people like Ellen could announce on a top rated TV show, that she was gay. It took courage.
Being authentic is more the thing today. Be who you really are, wear the pink, paint your nails, don the panties 24/365. Just be you.
Having just turned 65 I can say with complete confidence. I wish i had been more true to myself over the last 40 years. The next 40 will be different.
I get the fear, the what if’s. But face it, you will die one day. Do you want a life of regret or one of being your best authentic self?So if you think about it, a skirt is just a pair of shorts that didn’t get sewn together.
The majority of pants, shorts, and tops now have the buttons, or zippers all facing the same way.
Progress in being a society that accepts people for who they are, not what they wear is a slow process, but it is happening, slowly but surely.
I often will use the argument, a woman would be able to wear this without comment, why can’t I. Mainly when I am headed out to lay in the sun in a string bikini, but it does apply across the board.
I am glad to see that your wife knows, and I am assuming she supports you at least partially at the minimum.
You do need to remember and consider what coming out, even to a few will also mean to her as your life partner.
You will find supporters who will keep what you tell them close. But even a hint to the wrong person can cause trouble. Gossips know gossips know gossips, and ANYTHING they pick up on can, and usually will, be distorted, twisted, and enhanced to one degree or another, and can affect you both in your community, true or not.
At work, that informational ‘knife in the back’ from a gossipcoworker will probably be used to climb over you.
Please choose who you come out to carefully. Don’t be afraid to do it, discuss it with your spouse, understand why you feel they need to know.
PaulaF
I had a nervous breakdown about 20 yrs ago and was drinking quite heavily and was finding my only comfort was sitting around all day in a dress and trying to escape from the world of masculinity which really sucked at the time.
I found myself getting on the phone with several of my family and friends and telling them about my crossdressing. I was drunk and just didn’t care who knew what I was doing to add some sanity to my life.
I really don’t remember how they took it, but in time I got over my breakdown and depression and my life is now in balance. Nothing has ever changed with these family members and friends that I told my secret to. It’s like it never happened.
I often wonder if they still remember the things I told them.
I love dressing up whenever I get the chance and I’m very cautious about getting caught even though I know, for a number of people close to me in life, would not be shocked if they caught me.
I have told a lesbian friend at work with no ill effects that I can tell. I have told my pastor, and my gp. Obviously my wife. Some time before Keystone I’ll tell the son who’s living with us, since he should know where we’re going and why, and I’m pretty sure that’ll go well. I’ll be telling my counselors when I start next month. I mean, it’s part of why I’m going to see them…
I see no profit in telling anyone else at this time. Only you can judge your situation though. And you’re right… you can’t un-tell someone.
Bridgette
Im only dressing at home but when dressing Im very aware of the driveway if somebody are coming up to the house, I even got a detector installed in the driveway so I have time to hide from the windows when dressed.
wouldn’t it be a blessing just to be able to answer the door, dressed pretty or in drab. For me that could be a reason to tell my friends all about my crossdressing, I lack the guts though
- The forum ‘General Chat “Life as it Goes On”’ is closed to new topics and replies.
Recent Comments