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We’ve probably all heard that Latin phrase, sometimes translated as “seize the day”. Another translation though fits better with the rest of the phrase quam minimum credula postero – “seize today, put very little trust in tomorrow”. I am fairly sure that even if you are not familiar with my Latin example I bet you’ve heard the saying “Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can do today”. The Latin source suggests that the future is unforeseen and that one should not leave to chance future happenings. Rather one should do all one can today to make one’s future better.
My personal circumstances recently have caused me to reflect heavily upon that sentiment. We’ve all done it; many of us continue to do it. We have plans, things we want to do as part of who we feel we are. We might want to take our first step out of the closet by telling someone close to us about this other person within us. We might already be out of the closet yet still confined by the walls of our home. Others might have breached those walls but still be hemmed in by the fence around it. It is also quite likely that some of us have already overcome those boundaries yet still face others we have imposed upon ourselves for a myriad of reasons. The common question here is – why have we not done something about those desires yet?
For most of my adult life I lived with the secret of being a crossdresser. Despite a successful military career followed by almost 25 years of government service, and a marriage that raised four wonderful children, until almost eight years ago the only other people who knew about my secret were anonymous people I had met on-line. Even then, I only became active in the cyber world 15 years ago despite the fact that I was well aware of the internet by then. As for telling people face-to-face, the first person I told was my wife, at that stage after 26 years of marriage.
I knew I was a crossdresser when I married yet I found reasons to put off telling her, reasons I’m sure most of us have considered at some time; she won’t understand, she will reject me, she’ll think I’m a freak, she’ll stop me seeing my kids. Yet, when I finally told her none of the feared scenarios panned out. She was shocked, no doubt about that, but she also realised that I was still the same person she had married. The only thing that had really changed was that she knew something new about me.
Despite coming out to her I still found excuses not to pursue the happiness she had given her okay to. I could easily have gone to support group meetings en femme and met others like me yet despite joining I found reasons why I shouldn’t go. It was too far, I couldn’t afford it, I didn’t have nice clothes, my makeup skills were terrible. All sound reasons but terrible excuses to deny what my heart cried out for. Even when I took that huge leap and attended my first support group meeting I did so in male mode and you’ll be surprised to know that I had a good reason for doing so. I was certain of it.
As time has gone on I have found what I needed within me to begin venturing ‘out’. Each experience, from a full day en femme on the Indian-Pacific train through shopping trips interstate to growing out my hair, having my ears pierced and dining with CD friends in the city in which I live. I won’t call what I found courage. Perhaps it was more a thought that I can’t put things off forever. My recent personal experiences though suggest that things can be put off forever, simply because the chance to do them is snatched away from us.
By circumstance I am watching a lovely lady; a wonderful wife, mother, grandmother and great grandmother, disappear within the failing shell that is her body. She has rapidly developing dementia and each day she seems to drift further from lucid reality. Gone now are her chances to experience those things she planned just a few short years ago. Gone is the comfortable retirement, living out her days doing all those things she once enjoyed? Now she so frequently can’t even recall what she has just done, let alone whether she enjoyed it or not. In short, it is too late for her to seize today and there is certainly very little tomorrow ahead.
I look back now at all the excuses I made, all the reasons I settled for when I chose not to do things and all I can see now is wasted opportunities. I let chances to embrace who I am, to be happy, slip by because I did not seize today. I didn’t need to, did I? I always had tomorrow. It has taken a terrible, debilitating disease affecting someone close to me to make me realise that I might not have all that many tomorrows to put things off until. As the Latin phrase suggests, the future is uncertain. There is no guarantee that the circumstances of tomorrow will be any better than today and strong evidence that they might in fact be worse. What then of our missed chances?
From here on in I will be seizing as many days as I can, at least while I still can. Perhaps that’s a motto more of us should consider.
Damn Jane-between you and Codille I cant top from crying! Your story is incredibly poignant and profoundly sad (for the lot opportunities of yo loved one but what a powerful message up give! I am going to try my best to take that advice and not keep putting off what I know in my heart is the way I am meant to be! I took the first small step with my milkshake-now i need to get the fries that go with it
Luv,
Cyn
Only a couple of years ago I watched my own Mother leave us in the same fashion. I listened during phone calls to the circular conversations which happened due to her not remembering what she had told me only minutes before. It was an interesting experience because while one part of me felt sad for her loss of memory, another part of me felt at peace because she was not tormented by the awareness of those missed opportunities.
Last year, my Dad was found, wearing only his satin dressing gown, laying in a parking lot a few blocks from his home. He was nearly frozen to death because it was deep winter in Ontario. He developed strong Alzheimer’s and was no longer able to remember who his wife was. Upon his being placed into a home, he phoned me. “Come help me end this Son” he said. He had enough awareness to know where he was and that there were no more days to “Carpe Diem” for him. I told him that assisted suicide (at least at that time) was still very illegal here and although I wished I could help, it simply was not legally possible to do so; it took him three weeks to starve himself to death.
My brother called saying “I have good news n bad news” The The bad news ism dad’s dead, the good news is, Dad’s dead.
The bitter sweet of the double edge sword.
I find myself reflecting on these things as I’m sure you are now my friend. Looking back over my life and those missed opportunities to “be real” and fully honour myself.
I remember coming out as gender fluid to my dad, a retired military man of 27 years. His response was simply this; “Well, when I come to visit if you’re wearing a skirt we’ll go shoppin, if your wearing jeans, we’ll go fishin”, you’re my son either way and what ever you do that makes you happy is okay by me Char”
Some days I just want to scream with the anger I feel for keeping myself locked away in fear while my dad and actually, most of my family has served over seas in the Cdn military during crisis. Egypt, Cypress, the gulf war and so on. My grand dad was riddled with 7 bullets up his left side during ww2.
Still, although I have made great strides to being “true to me” I am not yet going about town wearing “what I choose” and “being” me. I am still a human “doing” not a human “being”. I would love to bring hundreds of cross dressers, gender fluid, trans people all together for a huge rally and public expression of “here we are! get over it” but the truth is, it’s our own fear that stops us at the threshold of life’s doorway.
My Dad once said something very profound to me when I was just little. “When you conquer your own fear son, you will conquer theirs”..
Today, boxing day, I am so grateful for this community of support and encouragement called Cross dresser heaven. I was cutting my lawn (3/4 acre with a push mower) last summer wearing my aqua two piece bikini. I live in a rural farm town of 50 people most of whom are steeped in religion. I am slowly conquering the fear, the playpen is getting bigger for me and one day I will walk among the world feeling pretty and unafraid of “who I Am”
“I am that, I am!” That pretty man in heels and leggings. I am also that judging person looking in the mirror. I am a product of my internal beliefs and I am aware that I can choose and change those beliefs with simply choosing…Fear or Love…
I Am practicing Love….
I send you warm hugs and support on your journey Jane and each of you reading this post.
I would absolutely love to have a gathering here at my place some summer. Lots of room for tents, campers and pretty people simply “being” with out fear and Carpe’ Diem.
Namaste’ Girls
and thank you for being exactly who you are!
Charee’Charee thank you for your post. In some ways it’s sad that sometimes we have to see terrible things happening to others before we learn the value of life. When a life is taken away before our eyes, by whatever manner, it should serve to make us all realise that we have a responsibility to live our own to the fullest.
Bless you for your response.
Six months on and I wonder how things are going for those still dealing with who they are.
I have been seizing those days. All of my family now knows, the acceptance has been total. I go out here where I live whenever I feel like it and I’ve told friends who initially I was worried would reject me. The worst I got from one friend was “Well don’t think that’ll get you out of buying me a beer, no matter what you now want to drink.” When I laughed and asked what he meant he said “Don’t you sheilas all drink wine?”
Make the most of your time, my friends. One day the carnival ride will stop and you won’t be able to go back and see the bits you missed.
Those who truly love you will accept who you are. It’s okay to tell them that they don’t need to understand, as long as they accept.
Jane,
You have truly been an inspiration to me many times over but this Post and the replies,comments and now your followup on this forum topic are like rain in the desert-soaking into the parched ground of my soul. I have been letting more and more people know about Cyn and even begun letting people meet her! And I have found your words to be so true-that most folks are accepting of her and my only regrets s far are that I waited so long to trust the people in my life with this important truth about me. I cannot imagine the pain you and your wife and Charee as well in her family had to deal with as the ones you love slipped into their own minds and were no longer able to relate to you as family. My own parents thankfully did not experience that loss of cognition and I thank God for that and pray that none of my siblings nor I experience it ourselves. But your advice to seize the day rings ever more true as I explore my feelings and thoughts, Life is indeed too short to not be true to who we are. I am trying my best to do so in my own life, and I thank you for sharing your story in such a difficult time in your life, It is inspiring me and perhaps that can help ease your pain ever so slightly to know you are making a difference in another’s life. Thank you!
Cyn
Dear Jane, I lost my father officially 2 years ago to Alzhiemers and I say officially because he was gone about a year or so before his heart stopped, Now I take care of my Mom who has dimentia and it’s getting harder to go in and see her, last week when I visited she called me Sid for the first 2o minutes I was there.[ Sid was my Dad ] When she realized it was me she cried and told me she was sorry but I could see the hurt and anger in her eyes as she realized what was happening to her.My Mom was a very intelligent and very well written lady, when she retired at 68 she went back to college and wrote children’s novellas for a teacher’s magazine under the pen name of Nana’s cottage. So I understand and share your pain and I have adapted your philosophy, carpe diem, don’t wait for tomorrow because you may not remember what you were wishing for! Take care LOL Heather.
Ladies……..wonderful and moving stories. Life is wonderful….but it is also crappy at times. Many times I too have been known to say “Oh Death, where is your glory…..All I feel is your sting”. Many times I have held the dying, many times I have assisted others to start their journey to Valhalla. I cried for them all until I could cry no more. It became why…what was this all for…did you make the world a better place. No-one came to tell me…..it was just the hurt, the dying and me….why….because you are here and no-body else. Deepest condolences to all. Life is short people…do all you can, be all you can be, for sooner or later, it will end.
Lady Veronica Graunwolf
I was a soldier once….and young.
Life has recently given me an opportunity to chase this dream that had been locked away for many years. If I don’t seize it, I’ll spend the rest of my life regretting it, and there will always be an emptiness in my life. That’s why I joined this community – to embrace and celebrate my feminine side with others like me.
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