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Hey ladies, forewarning this may be a lengthy post but would really appreciate some input. So me and my partner (not married) have been together for about 5 years. We have a son together. She doesn’t know about me dressing up as far as I know. Well over the past year I’ve really been coming around my CDing and just embracing it and letting it flow which has felt great to me in a way I can’t explain. Well her and I haven’t had the best relationship and we were actually about to split up, but decided to talk about things we both needed and wanted from each other and are trying to make it work which has been going good for the most part. Here lately around the house I have been wearing panties, shape wear with leggings, and even a stuffed bra while she is asleep as I’m a bit of night owl and just feel the desire to dress up more in my own home and not just the closet. And it feels liberating and nice. I even wear it to bed every once in awhile when I decide to sleep on the couch. One of her daughters is supposedly bi, and my partner had clearly stated she is fine with the LGBTQ community which makes me feel good. But going off my gut, I really want to tell my partner about my secret so I won’t feel like I’m hiding this from her, I hid drinking alcohol from her at the beginning and that caused major issues. Also just maybe I hope she would like that I’m trying to embrace my feminine side, I can reassure her I’m not gay as I am not. I just do this to embrace my feminine side as it feels good too but I do enjoy being a man as well and wouldn’t change that. I even hope she would help me embrace it even more maybe as in helping with makeup and clothes. I think my biggest fear in this is if she were to take it wrong she could try saying I’m not fit to be in my son’s life or at least it would have to be on her terms and she take him from me. I’m also worried she would just have me stop with my dressing up where as I feel like this is something that genuinely makes me feel good. But really I think what I’m trying to ask is what would be a good approach for me to talk to her or should I even bring it up? Thanks ladies.
Sadly I have never read of any magic way to come out to anyone much less an SO. You know her better than anyone here so I suggest you follow your instincts and what ever you do go slow and answer all of her questions honestly. Assure her that you’re not gay and don’t want to become a woman as it seems these two questions are the most common reaction.
Have you talked to her before about CD’s to get an idea about her views? If not then you may want to start there before you expose all.
Explain things in a way that benefits her and the family. Make her aware that the relationship is a two way street. Tell her you will only dress within limits that she and you work out and you will never embarrass her. Tell her that with acceptance it will bring both of you closer. Do not surprise her by being dressed in any way. Have the talk when you two can be alone without interruption and she is in a good mood.
Good luck and know that your results will vary. I’m not a therapist or doctor, just a lifelong CD.
A history of hiding is not going to play in your favor. The night owl habit of limited cross dressing is probably known but ignored. If you have been thinking about separating, well, that’s not a positive sign either.
My best advice is that you seek marriage counseling together and that you use that setting as a place for revealing/acknowledging what your wife may already know. It may not help, but at least there will be an objective third party acting to keep the conversaation constructive.
Hi Jodi,
Wow you have a lot to unpack! Since you said you hid alcohol use from her before, springing this on her without knowing pretty surely that she is open to a more varied relationship is very risky. In my situation, when I did finally come out to my wife she kept thinking about what else I was hiding since I did such a good job of hiding crossdressing for over 40 years! Your SO will likely feel the same, and that she can’t trust you anymore about anything much.
So if it were me, I would tread very cautiously and find out how she feels about crossdressing or transpeople in general – maybe watch something like “To Wong Foo” or something not heavy or overwhelming. She may already know or suspect, if you left anything where she could find it, had lipstick or purfume on that she might notice, etc.
Good luck – I can’t say to tell her or not, but you won’t likely be able to stop for more than a few years if that. It won’t get better, and you can’t control it with willpower very effectively. It will be better for you to tell her than her to discover it – relationshipwise and legally, unfortunately.
Hugs,
Brie
Hi Jodi,
My best and only piece of advice is honestly is the only policy. Once you loose trust with your S.O. the relationship goes down hill quickly and the path back up is long and hard.
Honestly will make for hard discussions, but trust will be there and the discussions can be the beginning of a better relationship.
Good luck.
BobbiJo
Jodi,
You are in a pretty impossible position. Depending on the age of your child, which I assume is under 5, you may want to take stock of what is most important in your life. I’ve been through a nasty divorce and when people do not separate amicably, they tend to use things against each other. I’m not saying you can’t dress, or shouldn’t dress, but it might be worth considering putting it on the back burner until you know more about where this relationship is headed. Sadly, there are many ways that she can use CD against you.Should you tell her there are a few things I can all but promise she will be thinking or asking, because I did so myself.
She is going to ask if you are gay. Most CD are not gay but we jump to that conclusion because we spend our lives looking pretty and chasing after societies ideals of beauty, in part, to get the attention of men. So it seems logical to us that you want to do these things to get the attention of men. I realize how ridiculous that is now because gay men typically don’t prefer CD men.
She is going to ask you if you are going to transition. With so much out there right now about transitioning, it is inevitable that she will wonder this. The non-transitioning crossdresser is a real thing. I suggest the book Crossdressing: Defining a New Normal by Savannah Hauk.
She is going to think she can’t trust you, doesn’t know you, and wonder what else you are hiding. I thought all this even though my husband is the most honest person I have ever known. It’s because it is such a shocking secret that we assume there must be more to it, especially with you having the history of hiding previously.
My very best advice, if you decide to tell her, is to take time to pause the crossdressing. Even if she should be fully supportive and encouraging, take that time to pause. She will have feelings she doesn’t understand come to the surface and things can go straight to a shit sandwich for both of you. Take things very slow with her and don’t push things. I’m a very accepting and understanding person that believes everyone should be their true self and I need time and baby steps.
Best wishes,
Betty🦄No court will say crossdressing is something that makes a person an unfit parent, or that being gay or lesbian or bi or transgender… none of them have anything to do with being a good parent.
But I understand your concern.
You may be outed to more people is the worst case scenario by coming out to your partner. My wife always thought she was ok with the LGBTQ people too, the I said I was one of them, she quickly found she isn’t as ok as she thought.
In the eyes of the court nothing LGBTQ is a negative. In my comment I was thinking more along the lines of being outed and portrayed negativity to family or friends who could then make things more difficult throughout a separation. Child custody can involve input from family members and if they found that offensive they may be more inclined to paint a bad picture. For some people there is still a negative connotation associated with crossdressing which is why I would err on the side of caution.
Once the cats outta the bag it is difficult to put it back in… or something like that. Can’t go back and pretend it didn’t happen.
I often tell my husband the cat is out and that if he listens carefully he will hear it purring…maybe that is a different cat 🤔
Like others have pointed out-with a history of hiding things -it’s an uphill battle to try to explain something you’ve been hiding & probably don’t understand totally yourself–I have seen women become OK with dressing when it was introduced in Playful ways–Like–women are so lucky–Dresses look Sooo much more comfortable –While doing housework–I should be dressed as a maid if I’m going to act like one–Likewise with panties or nightgowns–they just look way more comfortable–All this while pretending to Know nothing–Progressing as time goes on–the trick is for you to try & get her to lead—No sure thing but I’ve seen these “Baby Steps” work– When other Feel involved (esp if they take the lead & show their knowledge) (& Hopefully have Fun)— things go smoother-Good luck whatever you decide –
Hi.
I was struck buy a letter to a problem page in a national newspaper in the UK. It was a man in a similar position to yours. He wanted to tell his wife about the desire to dress as a woman. The answer was all about the dangers of telling her. Would she accept it? Hinting by watching some Grayson Perry, then testing the water slowly
Then the thought occurred to me what if the positions were reversed? If she, the wife wanted to wear trousers and never wear skirts, give up makeup and cut her hair short.
Would she have to hint and negotiate with her partner? What if he said no? Wouldn’t that be deemed coersive relationship. No she would be told it’s her choice how she dresses and she has the right to express herself and if the husband didn’t like it, it would be his problem. Just thinking. What a massive double standard.
I wish you luck in your gender expression.
Amanda Dubois xxx
What if the roles were reversed? I’ve wondered this myself. How accepting would you be if your partner of many years sprung this on you and started changing their body and appearance that is the complete opposite of what you find attractive? You can love a person no matter what but you can’t suddenly change what you perceive as sexually attractive. My husband would still love me if I cut my hair, grew out body hair, wore binding on my breasts, and sported a fake penis while fully dressed as a man but he wouldn’t find me sexually attractive and who can blame him for that? You can’t find fault there because we don’t choose what we find attractive just because we want to. Is it a double standard? Yes, to some degree but it is not a “massive double standard.”
The reason crossdressers have to “hint and negotiate” with their partners is because they (the crossdresser) put themselves in that position. It’s the same story over and over. “I came out to my wife and she freaked out.” Yes, we freak out because we had a right to honesty long before vows were taken and we married MEN. Now our man wants to look and feel like a woman and that is not what we are sexually attracted to. If you want a partner that accepts you in all ways then you have to be honest from the beginning, not spring this life-changing secret on us after years of marriage and kids.
I’m trying so hard to educate myself and be understanding of what my husband says his needs are. It is hard! This site has been a tremendous support but also a place that is so frustrating. So many times I have read “just pack up and leave” as a response to a wife that is freaking out or “just keep trying/pushing.” So many times the CD is unable to see it from the other side. There is a real lack of responsibility for putting one’s self in this position in the first place and then asking their wife to accommodate and accept the exact opposite of what we find attractive.
Remember that wives and SO that are trying to learn and understand read these comments too. It is harder than you think to be on the receiving end of this news and it is harder than you think to navigate this world as a GG.
There is 2 things when coming out to your SO.
1. The secret, if you have kept the dressing secret for so many years there is the question in their mind, what other secrets are there. It a trust issue right from the start.
2 The dressing, how far does it go, dressing at home, in public, dating men, transition?
What ever you say on the dressing and how far you want to take it is colored by the trust issue of keeping the secret for so long.
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