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I don’t know if I’ll ever come out to my wife I kind of think she is ok with the concept of people being who they are and she’s very supportive on the community but just don’t think she would want that from her husband, the thing is the more I have this urge to be myself the more I think I resent her even though I love her I like when she’s away or working and I can be alone I’ve recently pushed to to go on a trip without me so I can dress shop and I’m trying to schedule a makeover while she’s gone and anymore I’m starting to regret marriage and our love life has pretty much ended even though we are friends and get along I do all I can to avoid being with her I’m just not sure where I’m headed in life I can’t imagine I’ll have to live like this forever
hi heather. that’s a really tough one. I can understand your point of view and I could understand your wifes too. the way I see it at the moment, is you are stuck in limbo and you need to get out of it. the situation at the moment is not good especially as you put it ‘resenting your wife’
the truth is, she doesn’t know, therefore she cannot really be blamed for anything fairly, even though you wish to carry on as femme. the only realistic answer is to tell her, as secrecy will eventually grind you down to the point where I became prior to telling my wife. I am not going to underestimate this as its a huge step with many risks involved.
at the end of the day, your wife will either accept it or not accept it. the position you are in now is based on the theoretical view of your wifes non-acceptance. she might surprise you, then again she may not but in fairness to her, surely its best to give her a chance rather than just walking away without reason?
I know its easy for me to say this, because my wife accepts me (to a point). there is compromise there and she will not accept it if I do it full time. my view is, somethings better than nothing.
I really hope things improve for you as it is an awful position to be in. being femme does not simply ‘go away’.
love fiona xx
Thank you for the insight Fiona it’s definitely not a good situation for either of us and I feel both will continue to suffer if I can’t make the move and tell her hopefully I will find the courage
That’s a formula for disaster. I hope you can find out for sure, there’s gotta be considerations to where this will lead . If you still love her marriage is worth saving. If things continue maybe a thought of telling her. As fiona has mentioned Opening up is a very hard thing to do I know but one never knows where this will lead. Your dressing I think is as to me a very important part of my life and awhile ago sufferd with holding on to two separate world’s, my dressing and being a husband. Hard to find a balance so hostilities always ran amok. Never wanting to do things together and ever doing our own things. One night I told her and yes a whole new meaning to our relationship was borned . Muched worked out and now working on being the couple we once we’re and may I say well more than I ever expected . One never knows, all are different but possible a common thread can be found to hold this relationship together. The best to you Heather I hope you find your path.
Sincerely Stephanie💜
In my opinion, I think you ought to tell her. Most of us fear telling a spouse, because we are afraid of losing them. But in your case it sounds like you are already slowly losing your marriage. I’m not sure you have much to lose, and you might have everything to gain. You are rejecting her, because you are afraid she would reject you. But you haven’t even given her a chance. Isn’t it worth the chance?
I know in my heart I need to tell her and it’s not fair to her but as I’ve said that’s easier said than done it’s certainly helps to have you and the others girls to give advice
hi heather. I would be the first person in the world to agree that it is certainly easier said than done coming out to your wife. but what is the option? that’s what I figured in my case. I knew I was never going to change who I was, I am what I am and ive been like this for years. sharing a personal thing like this is a very hard thing to do and you have taken the very important step, like I did, to talk with other like-minded, supportive people here.
regarding your wife, there really is no quick-fix solution, I am a realist and I realised that to pursue my c/d’ing without constant fear of getting caught and hiding, I had absolutely no choice but to come out as divorcing my wife was not a fair or reasonable option without at least giving her a chance. c/d’ing should never be viewed as a hobby or pastime, it is you as a person, its what you are, its what you feel comfortable doing, there are many reasons for doing it, it just feels the normal thing for me to do and it never ever leaves you, you can try to stop but it is always there eating away at you.
heather, you obviously care about your wife and situation, but sometimes you have to think of you too. I feel that having a talk when you both feel relaxed in one anothers company may do the trick, I dont know, but you really are going to have to do something or it will continue eating away at you and your poor wife will suffer unnecessarily. I can only speak through my experience here, I dont know your wife, or indeed how she might react. only you can answer this one.
I really, sincerely hope that things go well for you, as believe me, the relief is amazing!
love and kisses, your friend, fiona xx
I means so much to be able to be on here and talking this out you are so sweet for your advice and I couldn’t agree more that this is not going away it’s been with me my whole life and even though I’ve tried to stop in my heart I knew I couldn’t and I just need to get the right time to do the right thing for both of us, again thank you my friend
Hello Heather, I don’t know the particulars of your relationship and don’t like too many assumptions but as I’ve said before, throwing away the ‘have’ for the ‘might be’ cod be just another disaster. I do agree that resenting or rejecting your wife because of the way you THINK she will react is not fair. Some heavy soul searching is in order on your part. It is a very difficult conversation but needs to be done, honest conversations can be very rewarding in any relatioship, from what you’ve said theres not much to lose but you may be pleasantly surprised at whats to be gained in even partial acceptance by her. I am not personally a fan but a counsellor may be of some help either alone or as a couple. Best of luck to you both
Heather, I feel for you, girl!
I have been there, and am only now, several years later, seeing light at the end of a long, dark tunnel of doubt, resentment, anger and all kinds of stuff no-one needs in their life.
I came to the realisation that at the root of it all, it was me and this part that I tried to bury many times, that was the main cause of all our unhappiness.
Finally, 2 days ago, I decided to end it, thanks in no small part to this wonderful site, but I take some credit that it was me who saw the light and acted.
I thought deeply about who I am and what I want, realised that I love my wife beyond anyone I’ve ever met, and tried super hard to feel as she does.
This was not too hard, having completely rejected this sweet part of myself – I know what it is like to think that my favourite manner of dressing is somehow wrong – I understand this entirely.
I took the one bite of the cherry.
I did not try to force anything on my wife, I told her simply and calmly how I felt, and she listened. I then listened to her and empathised, saying much of what I’ve said here.
She still does not like it, but was surprisingly accepting, and when she asked if I wanted to go public, she simply told me to be careful that her parents (who live locally) don’t see me.
I’m so excited – I will step out!
But I will be reading the makeup tips and practising like crazy first!
So my advice is to do the same:
Think long and carefully – as long as you need – what is important to you, how do you feel, what, honestly, have you been burying, how might your wife feel – are you prepared to take any question or answer she has for what it is – her feelings, not yours?
If you can build a foundation of caring and sharing (sorry, a bit buzzy!), then you can build the life you need.
But you don’t always get what you want!
I know I ramble sometimes – I really hope there’s something helpful in here :0)
Love
Laura
Hi hun
As an So it is not the dressing that causes the problems its the lies and deception.
Talking with my SO has improved our relationship.
Make sure she has time with the man she married. Remember you have brought a 3rd person into the relationship.
Hi Eleanor
You are so right – my SO said exactly the same thing.
My initial response was a bit confrontational, which is why my first discussion did not go well – but it contains many grains of truth that both sides should bear in mind;
For the man, it’s a secret he’s had to bottle up for years, decades in my case – scared that by revealing it, he will lose everything.
To start with, everything means respect among peers – and when you’re at school, that is a big thing.
Not only loss of respect, but the threat of intense bullying, including violence and physical harm is real. I was picked on for lesser things, such as being thin, vegetarian, not very sporty, etc, so telling anyone about my liking for dressing in girls clothes was not an option.
In fact, I could not accept it myself – I tried to kill myself rather than live with it.
To actually come out and tell someone was, for me, a demonstration of absolute trust in that person, and deep love.
Compromise works both ways – and to understand what he’s been going through is an important first step. It may never lead to full acceptance – but it is part of who he is.
Nobody gets everything they want in life – but (to paraphrase the Rolling Stones), if you try sometimes, you just might find you get what you need.
I hope none of this is interpreted as confrontational, or even overly defensive.
It’s just the way I see it, and I sincerely hope it’s helpful.
Love
Laura
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