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Hi girls, I need some help and advice on how tactfully come out to my oldest son. I have been quite good at keeping my secret from our boys but recently my youngest son came home unexpectedly and caught me fully dressed. He talked to my wife about it and when she told me I asked him to free up some time so we could talk privately. He seems to be accepting which is a good thing. All of my family and in laws know I crossdress so that leaves my oldest son as the only one in the dark.
It was very difficult for me to come out to my wife before we were married and I thing coming out to my son is going to be even more difficult. So if any of you girls have gone through this I would love to hear how you approached the subject tactfully. I am very nervous and I would love any help and guidance you may be able to share. Thanks so much.
Love,
Trish
Hi Trish, you don’t say whether your son is adult, teen, etc. so it’s difficult to say offhand. I just came out to my 30-year old only child and her new bride over President’s Day weekend. I had a further wrinkle in that I’m on HRT and going to be transitioning late this year socially, then eventually physically (no bottom surgery planned).
I angonized over it for weeks. She is in a same-sex marriage and came out as Lesbian in 2015, but neither my wife nor she knew I had been a life-long crossdresser until last summer when I came out to my wife. I decided to wait until after our girl’s wedding but I needn’t have bothered. My wife asked me a time or two to text her one or two of my photos I had taken for my own benefit earlier last year. Apparently once I sent iyt to my daughter’s phone as well. She wondered if it was a joke, or something I’d explain later so she didn’t mention it until my reveal!
She was fine with it – 100% on board, but concerned for my wife’s support and my personal safety. If your son knows any gay or trans people, and isn’t negative it should go well. If he is married with children, there could be some negative reaction from their concern.
As long as you tell them everything possible – you are or aren’t gay or bi, you do or don’t want to transition, you and your wife are or aren’t staying together or are unsure how your relationship will evolve, and so on. I’d avoid saying anything like how deeply you have been troubled by your secret all this time since that might make him think you resent him causing you to stay in hiding. Reassure him you aren’t changing, you are only allowing part of you that was always there to emerge.
Good luck and I hope it all goes well! My wife’s initial reaction aside (I told her after 40 years!) all the others I’ve told so far have been very supportive and empathetic.
Hugs,
Brie
Hi Brielle, thanks so much for your advice it will help me immensely with my son. He’s 33 and I am hoping that he is of the same mind set as his younger brother. I think the only thing that bothered my youngest son was he found out the hard way seeing me fully dressed. It must have been quite a shock for him. I’m more nervous coming out to him than I was to my wife for some reason.
Good luck with your transition, I hope everything goes well for both you and your family. I’m sure it will. Wish me luck.
Love ya,
Trish
Hi Trish, I’ll be thinking of you with this! I was nervous about telling my daughter, too. It can be tricky with children. They have us on pedestals sometimes and finding out we’re human and flawed can be a shock. I think it’s easier when the children are grown and on their own. They can “insulate” themselves from it and not have to be afraid of seeing the parent so different.
If he’s interested, show him a modest picture first before he meets Trish in person. I still haven’t shared any other pictures or showed my daughter Brielle yet. I’ll probably do that in a Skype in a week or two. Maybe at Keystone via facechat!
I’m sure it will go well; better than you anticipate. At least you are controlling the narrative now.
Hugs!
Brie
Hi Brielle, well I met up with my son last night. I was sooo nervous driving to his house. I think even more so than when I told my wife. Well I arrived and we sat down and I started the story of my life as a crossdresser. It was very emotional for me and half way through I broke down and started crying. He got up and gave me a big hug and just said “I love you Dad”. Wow, talk about relief! So I finished my story and he sat and listened just smiling at me. When I was done he just said “is that it? I thought after you phoned that you were going to tell me that you had cancer or something. Your crossdressing is no big deal to me Dad, I cool with it”. Well, after that I can tell you I had a wonderfully happy drive home. Thanks for your help and advice,
Love,
Trish
You’re right Brielle, I told him that when I was young CD’s ran the risk of being beat up or worse if their secret was found out. What a difference with the young people now…..thank God. Unfortunately my wife is “old school” and she just can’t handle it. This is my last hurdle, we need to come to an agreement somehow or I’m afraid divorce is a definite possibility which will do neither one of us any good.
Love ya Brielle,
Trish
Trish,
You say oldest son. Does they mean there are other children?
Since he already has seen you it appears your talk will be more of an explanation than a coming out, so in a way the ice has already been broken, so that’s nice. I often wish my daughter would somehow catch me and ask. I would love to tell her and our other kids but my wife is very opposed to that. We have grand kids too and my wife is understandably concerned about what they all would say or think. I believe that most young people have very little problems with this type of thing now. Times are very different than when we were kids. He will most likely have no problem. I agree with Brie to avoid talking about your anguish. Just talk plainly and openly and don’t stress out. Honesty and openness are important here. You look great in your pics so you should show him those. Maybe tell him about CDH and your activity here.
I really look forward to hearing about how it goes so I can use that to talk with my wife about telling our kids.
All the best!
Catherine
Hi Catherine, my youngest son (25) caught me fully dressed when he came home unexpectedly. He talked to my wife and she filled him in and he seems to have taken it all in stride which was a huge relieve for me. My oldest son (33) will be the last to find out about Trish. I just hope I handle it properly and he is as accepting as his brother. Thanks so much for your advice and I absolutely will let you know how it all went. Wish me well.
Love,
Trish
Hi Catherine, well I met up with my son last night. I was sooo nervous driving to his house. I think even more so than when I told my wife. Well I arrived and we sat down and I started the story of my life as a crossdresser. It was very emotional for me and half way through I broke down and started crying. He got up and gave me a big hug and just said “I love you Dad”. Wow, talk about relief! So I finished my story and he sat and listened just smiling at me. When I was done he just said “is that it? I thought after you phoned that you were going to tell me that you had cancer or something. Your crossdressing is no big deal to me Dad, I cool with it”. Well, after that I can tell you I had a wonderfully happy drive home. Thanks for your help and advice,
Love,
Trish
Hi Trish, I understand the concern and trepidation you must have. I was fearful of revealing Paulette to my three adult sons, but in retrospect it proved easier than I thought it would be. I guess the best way to sum it up is to quote one of my son’s who said: “If the Old Man wants to wear a dress at his age why should we be the ones who tells him he can’t!” Of course, not knowing the age of your sons makes it a bit difficult. I would think if they are young and still at home it could be a greater challenge than it was for me! I will be curious to hear your outcome! Hugs, Paulette
Hi Paulette, my youngest son is 25 and he seemed to take it pretty well. My oldest is 33 and I sure hope he is as accepting as his brother, fingers crossed. I still have to work up the nerve to tell him. I seem to be more nervous than when I told my wife and I’ll definitely fill you in once it’s done. Thanks Paulette.
Love,
Trish
Hi Trish, I’m ‘in your corner’ if you ever want to private message me. It is very liberating once everything is out in the open. A Big Hug, Paulette
Hi Paulette, well I met up with my son last night. I was sooo nervous driving to his house. I think even more so than when I told my wife. Well I arrived and we sat down and I started the story of my life as a crossdresser. It was very emotional for me and half way through I broke down and started crying. He got up and gave me a big hug and just said “I love you Dad”. Wow, talk about relief! So I finished my story and he sat and listened just smiling at me. When I was done he just said “is that it? I thought after you phoned that you were going to tell me that you had cancer or something. Your crossdressing is no big deal to me Dad, I cool with it”. Well, after that I can tell you I had a wonderfully happy drive home. Thanks so much for your help and advice.
Love,
Trish
Hi trish, write a few notes on what you want to say, then ask him what he wants to learn about this part of your life. Tell him you are the same person, just with an addition to your inner self. Let him absorb this news, and invite him to ask his questio s whe he is readr.
Hope this helps
Best Wishes
JaneHi Jane, well I met up with my son last night. I was sooo nervous driving to his house. I think even more so than when I told my wife. Well I arrived and we sat down and I started the story of my life as a crossdresser. It was very emotional for me and half way through I broke down and started crying. He got up and gave me a big hug and just said “I love you Dad”. Wow, talk about relief! So I finished my story and he sat and listened just smiling at me. When I was done he just said “is that it? I thought after you phoned that you were going to tell me that you had cancer or something. Your crossdressing is no big deal to me Dad, I cool with it”. Well, after that I can tell you I had a wonderfully happy drive home. Thanks so much for your help and advice.
Love,
Trish
Hi Trish so happy for you girl as for having the courage to come out to your sons .. I cant go that far as most of the family has been showing there judgement towards the trans community in the negetive way so this part of me will stay here for a time so good luck girl ..
Stephanie Bass
I totally understand that Stephanie, especially when you know a head of time that people aren’t accepting of trans girls. My boys will be the last to know of my hobby. My youngest son seem to have taken it well and I’m just hoping my oldest will follow in his footsteps, fingers crossed.
Love,
Trish
Hi Stephanie, well I met up with my son last night. I was sooo nervous driving to his house. I think even more so than when I told my wife. Well I arrived and we sat down and I started the story of my life as a crossdresser. It was very emotional for me and half way through I broke down and started crying. He got up and gave me a big hug and just said “I love you Dad”. Wow, talk about relief! So I finished my story and he sat and listened just smiling at me. When I was done he just said “is that it? I thought after you phoned that you were going to tell me that you had cancer or something. Your crossdressing is no big deal to me Dad, I cool with it”. Well, after that I can tell you I had a wonderfully happy drive home. Thanks for your help and advice,
Love,
Trish
Hi Trish, well, I wish I could help you, but I’m in the same boat. I have 3 adult children, two married. Each of the 3 is different in their outlooks on life, their political leanings, all that. I’m not even sure what they think about the entire LGBTQIA+ spectrum. Based on what little I do suspect, is that each is all over the place on the different categories. As such, I really don’t feel I can share with one without also sharing with the others.
I’m also pretty sure if I confided in them, that the two who are married and have kids (ages from 5 to adult) would most likely share that new knowledge with their spouses and even be unsure of me around their kids…and possibly share with the older ones who are more aware of the differences in people, and I haven’t been around the older ones enough to know what their particular feelings are. And if I shared with one or two of kids or grandkids, I have no doubt they would share with the other(s) I didn’t tell, and that would cause issues which I definitely don’t want to burden them or me with.
At this moment in our lives, I don’t feel, for me and for them, that it’s the right place and time to share. As I’ve posted before, my spouse knows, I told my mother before she passed. I’m a very private person when it comes to dressing and I would never knowingly do anything that might cause my extended family to have to come to grips with more problems than they normally face.
However, I also accept that there will be a time when I do come clean to them, and I will come to grips with that when I feel it is the right time. Something that is an advantage and disadvantage at the same time is they all live miles from me and from each other. I do know they talk to each on the phone and have expressed worries about me and my wife as we grow older. Nice to know they care, but at this moment, I and my wife hope not to burden them with our aging problems, at least for a while. My tg issues are a whole other issue.
I understand if don’t and wish you good fortune if you do share, and hope that they are understanding and stay supportive.
Hugs, ChloeC
Hi Chloe, thanks so much for responding. This is a huge issue for us girls and I’m extremely nervous but with all my immediate family and my wife’s family knowing and now his brother It would be worse if I didn’t tell him. I do believe he will be supportive but still it’s quite a thing to drop on your kids. His brother took it very well and didn’t have any issues so I’m cautiously optimistic.
Love,
Trish
Hi Chloe, well I met up with my son last night. I was sooo nervous driving to his house. I think even more so than when I told my wife. Well I arrived and we sat down and I started the story of my life as a crossdresser. It was very emotional for me and half way through I broke down and started crying. He got up and gave me a big hug and just said “I love you Dad”. Wow, talk about relief! So I finished my story and he sat and listened just smiling at me. When I was done he just said “is that it? I thought after you phoned that you were going to tell me that you had cancer or something. Your crossdressing is no big deal to me Dad, I cool with it”. Well, after that I can tell you I had a wonderfully happy drive home. Thanks for your help and advice,
Love,
Trish
I was going to say something similar to Jane, to tell him you are still the same person.
I think understanding your motive is another thing that will help. You like to dress because you experimented when you were young and liked it (as an example, guessing from your post). You do it in private or in public because ….
But also understand your motive in telling your son. I’m telling you (again examples) because everyone else knows and I want to be the one to tell you and not have you find out from someone else. Or in case you accidentally see me, or in case you find my stuff.
In my case I knew that I was going to get a divorce, so I wanted my kids to know. I wanted them to have the opportunity to ask questions of me and not just find stuff after I was gone and not know why. I had been going out, and I needed the opportunity to continue going out. My youngest daughter found my stuff so I told her. I told my son when taking him home from college because I needed to go out to a friend’s party every now and again. I told my other daughter when she was coming home to look at a wedding venue near me. She was going to come home late, and I was going out and going to come home late, and I wanted her to know in case our paths crossed.
Knowing the why for me helped direct the conversation.
Hi Alison, well I met up with my son last night. I was sooo nervous driving to his house. I think even more so than when I told my wife. Well I arrived and we sat down and I started the story of my life as a crossdresser. It was very emotional for me and half way through I broke down and started crying. He got up and gave me a big hug and just said “I love you Dad”. Wow, talk about relief! So I finished my story and he sat and listened just smiling at me. When I was done he just said “is that it? I thought after you phoned that you were going to tell me that you had cancer or something. Your crossdressing is no big deal to me Dad, I cool with it”. Well, after that I can tell you I had a wonderfully happy drive home.
Hi Trish
I was reluctant to come out to my three adult sons, but I recognised that my wife needed them to know so that she wasn’t witholding such a significant issue from them after I (finally) came out to her.
My wife set up a Zoom meeting (they all live in different cities) and I nervously told them my secret.
Guess what? That’s completely cool, Dad. Their generation is so used to and exposed to gender fluidity and alternative sexual identities that they simply dont blink about the issue even when it’s their own father. I almost cried with relief and was so proud of them at the same time as being very relieved.
Don’t know if this post comes after you’ve already discussed it with your eldest, but my advice is – be brave and be honest – you might be surprised at how positive his response is!Hi Sarah, thanks for the advice it sure helps. I’m hoping his response is as good as his younger brother’s who was very accepting. Your right as well that people now a days are far more open minded than when I was first starting my journey. I’m nervous but hopeful that his response will be positive. Say a prayer for me.
Love,
Trish
Hi Sarah, well I met up with my son last night. I was sooo nervous driving to his house. I think even more so than when I told my wife. Well I arrived and we sat down and I started the story of my life as a crossdresser. It was very emotional for me and half way through I broke down and started crying. He got up and gave me a big hug and just said “I love you Dad”. Wow, talk about relief! So I finished my story and he sat and listened just smiling at me. When I was done he just said “is that it? I thought after you phoned that you were going to tell me that you had cancer or something. Your crossdressing is no big deal to me Dad, I cool with it”. Well, after that I can tell you I had a wonderfully happy drive home.
Cheers,
Trish
Hi Trish
I’m so sorry I missed this earlier – I almost cried when I read it – those words of your son’s were almost identical to my own boys when I had ‘the talk’. We underestimate how their love for us transcends any concern about the crossdressing thing. Their generation also much more accepting of variations on the sexuality / gender scale. I’m so pleased for you. Hopefully, a dark part of your mind is now light. Best wishes and stay in touch!
X
Sarah
Hi Sarah, you are so right in what you said in your latest post. It really was a huge relief for me listening to his response. I so wish my wife was the same way but sadly for me she is a very old school black and white type person. I am thankful that she at least tolerates it but it would be so much better for both of us if she was even a little more accepting. She has come quite a ways for her and I am thankful for that. Hope still remains supreme in my soul. Thanks again Sarah.
Love,
Trish
Dear Trish
Just wanted to thank you for raising this issue. Just this week my younger son came home early when I was dressed but thankfully without make up. There was an awkward two minutes as I bundled away clothes and told him to wait. He doesn’t know what I was up to – I think – but it highlighted the fact that I am not facing up to sharing my identity with those I love the most. Frankly I can’t begin to think about sharing it with my sons but I can’t dick it forever. So great that you have surfaced this. Halle going issue. Reading the thread with great interest
Joanna xx
Hi Joanne, after my youngest son caught me it only left my oldest that doesn’t know about my CDing. The families on both sides have known for along time. I honestly think if he some how found out with out me telling him he would be really hurt. My youngest and I talked yesterday about it in more detail and he is cool with it, no big deal he said. So I’m sure hoping his brother will be as accepting.
Love,
Trish
Hi Joanna, well I met up with my son last night. I was sooo nervous driving to his house. I think even more so than when I told my wife. Well I arrived and we sat down and I started the story of my life as a crossdresser. It was very emotional for me and half way through I broke down and started crying. He got up and gave me a big hug and just said “I love you Dad”. Wow, talk about relief! So I finished my story and he sat and listened just smiling at me. When I was done he just said “is that it? I thought after you phoned that you were going to tell me that you had cancer or something. Your crossdressing is no big deal to me Dad, I cool with it”. Well, after that I can tell you I had a wonderfully happy drive home.
Love,
Trish
Trish, that is so right. My “kids” (all in their 20’s) have an array of friends, all backgrounds and “genders” of their personal liking. So I think that would help, but i’m not completely sure!
In the recent past, our Son (the youngest) came to us and said he was not sure of his gender, and is fluid and currently trying to figure things out. This came as no surprise to any of us. He spoke with his Sisters about this first, which made me feel so good. That he trusted them both enough to speak to them about this. (This made me think, “is this genetic?” Different conversation).
I find myself more and more wanting to “come out” as it were, and just wearing whatever and not in “camouflage” anymore.Thanks for listening.
RHi Rebecca, well I met up with my son last night. I was sooo nervous driving to his house. I think even more so than when I told my wife. Well I arrived and we sat down and I started the story of my life as a crossdresser. It was very emotional for me and half way through I broke down and started crying. He got up and gave me a big hug and just said “I love you Dad”. Wow, talk about relief! So I finished my story and he sat and listened just smiling at me. When I was done he just said “is that it? I thought after you phoned that you were going to tell me that you had cancer or something. Your crossdressing is no big deal to me Dad, I cool with it”. Well, after that I can tell you I had a wonderfully happy drive home.
Love,
Trish
Trish
Complicated issue. I have come out to wife but not my adult kids. I have broken the ice a little and given them some hints. I sent my daughter a pic of my painted toes while on a camping trip and got a positive response and then a few weeks later sent her a pic of my new pierced ears, she replied with “whats going on, and they look great” Pretty sure with ears and nails she can figure it out. With my son I just came home with the ears pierced. He was surprised but no problem for his generation. Dont think I would ever have a sit down talk with them about stephanie
I find this an interesting topic to follow. I have two daughters, one is gay and the other is straight. I’m not worry about their feeling towards me, but rather the feelings they might have about how it effects my wife. They are very protective of her and her feelings as she has been their rock all of these year. They are both in their 30’s now and my wife and I have been together for 45 years. So I’m just curious as to what everyone is saying. (Not looking for replies)
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