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Sorry I cut and pasted this whole thing from a reply I penned to an article, but thought Id give it its own space. So if it looks like something youve read from me Im sorry, you probably have.
I only recently accepted my inner self. For years the feminine side of me was just a fetish and I tried to keep it that way, because to admit anymore than that was too much for even me. I read everything I could about x dressing and joined forums only to come away even more confused than before.
They say that sometimes you have to be broken down completely before you accept change and rebuild yourself. Well 6 months ago just after our 25th Wedding anniversary My wife told me she wanted some space because she wasnt sure about if she wanted this marriage anymore. I was devastated.
She told me that for years she felt we were just muddling along and that she didnt find me attractive in any way but saw me as just a little more than a good friend. When she moved out I was broken. My whole life was upside down and my rock was gone. I was just tumbling along with the flow and getting no where. I sought counselling for us and initially I thought things were okay. I was diagnosed with PTSD and got help with that. The PTSD had basically closed me down emotionally so I cant blame her for feeling abandoned. I dressed quite a bit during this time and invested money in skin care products. My SO even remarked that I was looking younger and I lost a lot of weight. I really started to feel like We could sort this out.
After 9 weeks of counselling and separation she dropped a bombshell. She had been having an affair with her boss for 6 mths and wanted to be with him. She didnt love me and loved him, and wanted to be with him. She admitted to lying to me for years about affairs with others. I wanted to die. I got home and just fell apart. Being the male me was too much. His life sucked and I needed to escape. It was then I found my Femme clothes calling to me and I became Sarah. For days I was this other person, Sarah and during that time I found because I was disconnected from Him I could see what was going on. I found that this gave me a clarity that I didnt have before. I kept at the counselling and dressing too (told my counsellor and she agreed that for now it was okay to escape as long as I came back. For a few weeks it got quite scary, as I really did dive into being Sarah. My personality changed, my desires shifted and I started to look at my sexuality and who I was. I really started to break me down into bits and sorted out the junk. It was scary for me in the middle sometimes because I wondered if it would be me or Sarah that would emerge from the ashes of the old me, and I’ll be honest She scared me a lot.
Somewhere in all the mess she created she also provided me with a calm space to process who I was and the relationship I had with my wife. After a few months after her admitting the affair and continued counselling I asked my wife to come home. Her relationship fell apart as soon as sunlight hit it. He ran home to his wife and family and she was abandoned, but not by me strangely enough. During all the upheaval and nonsense I was always still watching out for her. Her family were my eyes and ears and I kept them going and supported her from afar. After a month we were talking for what felt like the first time in forever and we were both listening. She said she never realised how much I meant to her until she pushed me away and then I was gone. Later her family told her that I was always there watching out for her and she told me she felt that stability from me during that time and realised I was always her rock.
When she agreed to come home and start over I panicked a bit. LOL I had shaved legs and I had new feminine wardrobe etc. I wasnt going to hide it so I told her up front about it. I told her that I wasnt going to be different around her but I wasnt going to repress my inner self either. And she accepted that. The same questions about am I gay or do I want to be a woman came up and now I could honestly answer them for the first time. Nope and nope. I had a lot of time to think about it (sleepless nights and long lonely walks give you lots of time to think). I may be curious about a gay life but no more than about any other thing I dont know about fully.
Im a dude in a dress. Im not trying to be more than that. Although I shop like a demon and love feminine things it hasnt changed that I love my wife. If she hadnt come back I think I wouldve carried on down the Sarah path a little more and lived in private as her but I would still have been a male and sought out female company. Dont get me wrong, I love talking to all of you gurls about clothing and makeup etc, because to me thats part of being Sarah. I love the feel of the fabrics, the smell of the cosmetics and the change that I can make to my features. I love my shoes and the swish of a skirt or the feeling of newly shaved legs as you pull on some stockings.
I am Sarah and She is me. And for now Im the boss again. LOL</p>
Sometimes it can take the harshest of life lessons to help us find ourselves.
Your relationship with your wife will continue to need nurturing but it seems that maybe for the first time for many years, you have begun to have meaningful communication.
Only those who have lived the experience will be able to work out the best way to move ahead but I wish you both all the best. Don’t worry, even as “a dude in a dress” you are as much a part of CDH as anyone else. Maybe Sarah will become a wonderful girlfriend for your wife too.
Thanks Jane.
One day maybe but for now Im happy with where I am for a while.
Dear Sarah, Your story and mine are much the same. Twice in 2016; my wife revealed that she didn’t love me and never did, because she never wanted to. In 2018; she told me that she wanted to have an affair with a male friend of ours and wanted to move him in so he could get a job where she worked. I don’t know if she was telling me this to make me jealous or what, but I didn’t fall into it. I told her if she wanted the affair, do it at his place and that he was not moving in. I’m happy for you that your relationship is back together and that you are able to continue being Sarah. Accepting, embracing, and exploring our feminine sides allowed us to pull through difficult times.
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