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Hi Gals!
I have something that I would love to get your take on. I brought this up in Chat a while back, but it’s been a few weeks and it’s still gnawing at me.
My boyfriend wants to have a commitment ceremony. When he “proposed” , I was extremely over the moon and happy. In all my life, I never thought a day like that would come. We have been together for over 8 months, and we have been through so much that for him to have made this move to want to commit to me proves to me his full love and support. I am not the easiest person to be with lol, but he has seen me at my lowest and I him, and we are each others unconditional support system. But…yeah.
Some background: he’s in his early 60’s, retired and has been a neighbor of mine since I moved into the neighborhood two years ago. I was in a very committed relationship last year for a good while before I met him. You may want to go look at a post I wrote in the Life as It Goes on forum under “Caught!” a year ago. Well, he’s the neighbor I left my other boyfriend for. I know, but what are you going to do? It was messy and painful, but it felt right and I’ve been happy since.
His name is Juan. He’s also a closeted bisexual. He has been divorced for 25 years, and is close to his adult children. Very close. His family knows nothing of this side of him, and they certainly do not know of me. I am a best kept secret as he says (which sometimes makes me cringe!) but so it is.
The thing is that he’s very close to his family. He and his wife remain estranged, but he dotes on his children. He drops everything for them. It’s wonderful to see because I come from a difficult family, and it has been 5 years since I have spoken with any of them-and they sure don’t seem to miss me. You can guess why lol. It’s attractive how much he loves his children, but it also comes at the expense of my time with him. I have had plans dashed because he was needed and at times he refused to be considerate about it. We had blown up arguments about it, but he has improved on that considerably since, but I would be a liar if I didn’t say I get jealous sometimes when he gets that phone call or when they come to visit and I am unable to see him.
I take commitment seriously (hypocritical of me to say since I left my boyfriend for him, right?) and if I go into this, I’m going in head on. I do not want to be a secret in his life. I am at that point in my life now that I am not afraid anymore, I don’t want to remain hidden anymore or feel ashamed. He brings out the best of me, his love and support for me has been unlike anything I’ve known. When we’re together we are at our happiest. We get each other, and maybe I’m an old soul too that he’s able to connect. I want to take care of him, I like taking care of him. I love always being there for him. I want to commit to him, but the obstacle remains that he is not out, and if he were to come out, the consequences would be such that he has a good chance of losing what he has with his children. I don’t want it to come down to a “them or me” situation, but I don’t like being kept at arms length and being a secret. Our age difference sometimes comes into play, he’ll say it’s easier for me to be so open but that he doesn’t come from that generation and so on. The Hispanic culture can be unforgiving of our lifestyle, and I sympathize, but I have needs and wants to. He says he understands, but…and that’s where we stop.
I want to give him what he wants because I want it too. He wants to do this in the coming weeks (he has a thing for the month of October-something we both have in common), and he’s excited and…so am I, I think. We have talked about all of this but he assures me it will work itself out. Texas doesn’t recognize commitment ceremonies, so there’s always an out. But I don’t want an out. He talks about it often and more so lately. I know someone who can perform the ceremony in the strictest confidence, but I don’t want to let him down. I can’t fathom him not in my life, and I’m telling myself to go through with it and see where it takes us-or where it takes me. UGH!! I just don’t know.
So, that’s the gist ( the long gist!). I want this,but what might it cost me down the road?
Okay!
As I read this I began with humming and hawing and wondering about the legalities, moralities and ethicalities.
But!
This was so well-written with exquisite detail and openness that by the end I felt that I comprehended each each (necessary to know) aspect. I think it it a very good idea for three reasons:
First, it would make both of you very happy.
Second, you would not be keeping secrets from your families and friends.
Third, it is a step for us all recognizing that people can enter relationships as a man and woman regardless of their sex. One little step at at a time and this is yet another one.
However:
This should be a big affair when lots of people and partying. NOT A GOOD TIME. I would hesitate to suggest delaying the happy even but consider, perhaps a year to make preparations, maybe a sort of bridal shower (or party anyway), that sort of stuff.
Oh, and my very best wishes for your happiness and extend my congratulations to the lucky fellow.
Araminta.
haha – I recall your original post and even thought at the time….”Hmmmm, sounds like that guy might be into her!” 🙂 So, I’m happy you two got together!
Personally, I think the ceremony is a great idea. He’s got kids, things are discreet so on and so forth….so it goes. That’s how life always works.
Every relationship has more than its fair share of “hurdles” “issues” etc. to deal with.
At the end of the day, what’s the harm in any of that? Is it perfect? No. It never is with anyone. And you have a man that wants to commit to you and you love him!? GO FOR IT!
Honestly too, if he’s not out, that’s entirely his call. You can live with it, or not but that’s totally his call. And if you can’t live with that, ceremony is probably not the best idea.
Great post though – LGBT love is the best! 🙂
Don’t want to be Debbie downer here, but I was the older person who had a relationship that was secret from my family.
Eventually she got sick of the position of being out of the family and left.
May not apply here but my experience.
-C
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