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  • #401706
    Anonymous
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    I am looking for any advise on how to better talk about crossdressing with my wife.  Anything that was helpful if/when any of you went through a similar situation.

    As some background, I came out to her about a year ago and things haven’t really gone well.  For the first couple nights, there were a lot of questions and discussion and eventually we settled on an arrangement where I could dress one night a week, so long as it wasn’t around her.  After awhile, it seemed this was too much and I tried to stop.  That lasted maybe 6 months before I brought it up again.

    This most recent discussion just felt like a disaster.  My wife seemed fixated on why do I do this, and I just don’t have an answer.  She compared it to an addiction which felt wrong to me, but I couldn’t really refute.  I generally think of addiction as more destructive, but maybe that is how she feels about it in regards to our relationship.  She also mentioned it isn’t the clothes she has a problem with, but instead that I have a need to wear them.

    For my part, I probably didn’t help things with my responses.  I understand this isn’t what she wants and can empathize with her position.  So I mostly spent the conversation in a state of self loathing.

    Maybe I just need to be more confident or accepting of myself, but that’s hard for me as it just isn’t really my personality.

    Sorry this has been rambling.  Any responses are helpful!

     

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    • #406589
      Regine Rich
      Princess
      Registered On: October 9, 2020
      Topics: 20
      Replies: 525
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      Reading,each time the responses on this and other topics, I once again realize just how blessed I am, and what a wonderful SO i managed to catch, so many years ago.
      I wish you all happiness
      Regine

      2 users thanked author for this post.
    • #406579
      Victoria Lives
      Lady
      Registered On: November 14, 2020
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      That discussion went a different direction in my situation. I explained very clearly that I had an overwhelming attraction to wearing woman’s clothing items since I was 12 or 13 years old. I would wear my mothers girdle, pantyhose and bra around the house when I was alone and not likely to be caught. I also would grab my sisters clothing items to wear when possible, when the opportunity presented itself.

      During my married life of 30 years and counting, I always concealed my dressing from my wife, for fear of hurting her or our relationship. I finally came to the conclusion that the desire for me to dress in women’s clothing was just simply a part of the person that I am, and by not telling my wife, I was perpetrating a deception that simply should not happen with the one that you love. After explaining that nothing had changed, other than now she knows me a little better. I explained that I am still exactly the same person that she has loved and trusted for all of these years. We discussed that the desire to appear as a female and experience the sensation of wearing woman’s clothing had been part of me long before she met me and that there is or was absolutely nothing she did or could have done to change who I am. Our relationship is stronger because of my honesty and she is helping me figure out what I look best wearing.

      Victoria

      6 users thanked author for this post.
    • #406502
      Renee
      Lady
      Registered On: November 15, 2019
      Topics: 2
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      I recently came out to my wife, it was a hit and a surprise to her but she said “do what you gotta do”

       

      I feel confident that over time and me not pushing the issue or rubbing it in her face she’ll accept it a little more at a time, I just have to be patient and plan carefully.

      today I’m cleaning the rugs upstairs wearing sexy but comfortable yoga pants with panties underneath and she’s aware, I have an old t shirt that is a little long that matches the color of my yoga pants and she is ok with it. Tonight when we go out to dinner I’ll be underdressed with Panties and silk pantyhose and she’ll be ok with that as well.

      from other success stories I’ve read on here it seems like the key is “patience” and go slow with it, as another girlfriend on here said let the SO ask the questions and bring it up.

      6 users thanked author for this post.
    • #406492
      rebekka moore
      Lady
      Registered On: January 7, 2017
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      This is so difficult.  My SO is not accepting of this either.  What I would suggest, and yes it is hard to follow ones own advice, don’t force the conversation.

      Let her bring it up and answer any questions as best as you can, to the point with no extraneous explanations, as that usually just leads you down a rat hole and deteriorates the conversation.

      Like an “addiction”, this is something we have all (may have) said at some point, “I will never do this again”, followed by a purge of our belongings.  Only to be triggered again by something, to start doing again.  Do not try to control that, it only makes things worse for you.  Follow your feelings and instinct.

      Unlike substance addictions however, this is relatively harmless.  It does not physically harm you or others, and we cannot control how others will react.  We do have to accept that however.  The message there is, don’t try to change someone’s mind.  You (we) cannot do that.  We can only find a way to live with it.  They (she) may not decide to.

      That is the hard truth.

      All the best,

      Becka

       

       

      7 users thanked author for this post.
    • #404162
      Terri
      Duchess
      Registered On: May 17, 2016
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      Dear Matilda
      I am 72 and married 49 years. I told my wife when we were married almost 10 yrs. She had found a womans name and phone # on a piece of paper in my wallet. I had told her to take some money from it. As a result I told her that night about my femme side. My wife has never seen me enfemme except for a pic once. I have tried everything to get her to except Terri. Its a long story, but it comes down to this. My wife will never have anything to do with my femme side. My keyword in my life is balance. I love her and our children and grandchildren,but I know that my femme side will always be there.
      Yours Terri

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    • #404103
      Rei Durden
      Baroness - Annual
      Registered On: October 11, 2020
      Topics: 19
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      Hi Matilda.

      Sounds as if she is trying to work it out, at least there’s some conversations happening. Silence usually hasn’t been all that positive for me.

      My wife is struggling with understanding, and I have not been as patient as I should be at times. The self loathing is something I completely relate to, to the point of imagining burning all Rei’s belongings and burying her deep once more, but of course we all know that doesn’t work.

      My advice, be patient. Enjoy the good days, savor them and remember them during the darker days. All the best, Rei

      7 users thanked author for this post.
    • #403206
      Molly
      Duchess
      Registered On: October 22, 2018
      Topics: 2
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      Matilda; (Love the name!)

      The comment that it is hard to refute the addition is such a common thought with CDs.   Please rest your mind at ease in that you are far from the only one trying to come up with a way to explain this that makes sense to a/your wife.

      I would offer that this is no more an addiction than being feminine is an addiction for her… It’s just the way the each of us is wired.    It has been proven time and time again that this is not something that can be cured or truly managed away; So please think long and hard before you take “Maybe this is an addiction” onboard, as to feel that way about something that’s not is very damaging.

      If you’re like most of us, this has been there since you were young, perhaps suppressed, but since accepting that this is part of you, I’d imagine that you’ve catalogued a huge number of past events/feelings that have indicated/hinted at this.  This argues significantly that it’s not an addiction, but how you’re wired.

      I’d love to be able to offer advice on how to explain it in a way that a cis-gendered wife will understand, but I’m afraid that’s beyond my wisdom.   The other Ladies suggestions for reading have been very useful for me, but I’m afraid that so many of these beautiful stories end up with a transitioning, and that hardly helped with my SO.

      What I can say is that she married you, and I suspect part of the reason for this is that “you weren’t like other men”.   (This was a fine and good thing for me, right up until I proved the comment right.)   You didn’t misrepresent yourself, because love is not just about your public appearance, and I doubt any of us are that good at acting.  It is still difficult for everyone concerned because you changed her perception of who she was and what sort of  relationship she was in.  Always believe that your love for each other is true…. It helps keeping both of your sanity(ies?) and allows you to have better conversations to find a path forward.

      Hugs.

      -Molly

    • #402559
      Anonymous
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      Hi Mandy,

      Thanks for the reply. We did try My Husband Wears My Clothes by Peggy Rudd and I know that my wife read some articles online though I’m not sure what.  If you have any particular recommendations, I would appreciate them.

      Thanks,

      Matilda

      6 users thanked author for this post.
      • #403219
        Mandy Wife
        Baroness
        Registered On: September 12, 2019
        Topics: 5
        Replies: 173
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        I’ve not read that one so thank you, I will look it up.

        I thoroughly recommend Living with Crossdressing : defining a New Normal by Savannah Haulk – we both found it really helpful and I don’t think we would be in the happy place we are without that book.

        (Anyone would think I was on commission with the amount I recommend it but I promise I’m not)

        7 users thanked author for this post.
    • #401877
      Candace Baci
      Lady
      Registered On: October 19, 2020
      Topics: 29
      Replies: 48
      Has thanked: 177 times
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      Matilda

      Im new here also, and I have yet to find the courage like you to tell my wife. All I can say is that the girls here have been so supportive and loving with their suggestions and guidance I suggest you listen to their advice for they have been extremely helpful to me, I wish I could offer you some personal suggestions but best of luck.

       

      Hugs and Kisses always

      Candace

      4 users thanked author for this post.
    • #401804
      Mandy Wife
      Baroness
      Registered On: September 12, 2019
      Topics: 5
      Replies: 173
      Has thanked: 84 times
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      Have you looked at any articles / books either yourself or together at all? Things that explore why people crossdress (deep down, there isn’t an explanation it’s “just” how you are – I can no better explain why I’m the only one in my family that is left handed – I just am) but hearing it and seeing it from another person’s perspective can help the understanding process maybe?

      Slowly is definitely the way to go – it’s not easy but keeping talking and even researching yourself and reading yourself so you are more comfortable in your own skin and then show your wife and ask if she would like to read it and then that in itself will hopefully raise questions.

      She can also register on here and we have a private wives group that may help?

      8 users thanked author for this post.
    • #401757
      Seren
      Baroness
      Registered On: March 2, 2020
      Topics: 39
      Replies: 458
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      Hey Matilda (cute name btw!)

      I’m not that far into this journey myself, but I feel for you. Personally I don’t think of dressing as an addiction; this is part of me, but it’s only since March that I’ve begun to ‘work through’ what it means.
      I came out to my wife as a cross dresser right at the start of the lockdown. We had a few talks, I got her to read some research and some blogs about the whys and wherefores, but I was too scared to push things further, let alone dress up in the flat. I started a weekly zoom therapy session, and through that got to dress up at home. With each little step my wife has become more comfortable with seeing me dressed, and my guilt and shame about dressing has pretty much evaporated, meaning I am much calmer, and probably easier to be around.

      At the start, maybe rashly, I told her I knew I couldn’t stop, that it was baked into my being, so it was either ‘carry on in private’ or ‘share it and try and enjoy it with her’

      dm me anytime if you want to chat

      Seren x

      8 users thanked author for this post.
    • #401755
      Honey T
      Baroness
      Registered On: October 19, 2019
      Topics: 1
      Replies: 45
      Has thanked: 24 times
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      Thought from a wife… are you able to speak honestly about her biggest fears? In the beginning I felt my marriage was threatened or that deep down he was in denial about being gay. It took lots of talking about things that are hard to say…. for both of us. These discussions consumed us for  a few months & it was awful but we both are in a much happier existence now because of them.

    • #401749
      Celeste Starre
      Lady
      Registered On: June 26, 2018
      Topics: 31
      Replies: 712
      Has thanked: 200 times
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      I will say this much regarding “addiction”.  We all are addicted to hundreds of things. In most cases the only problem with being addicted to something is not being able to get that something. Cross dressing is one of those things.

      7 users thanked author for this post.
    • #401744
      Carla
      Lady
      Registered On: September 16, 2016
      Topics: 1
      Replies: 27
      Has thanked: 46 times
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      Oh Matilda,

      I feel for you. I’ve only been ‘out’ to my wife since July this year. Bumbled it out after a few drinks. I could tell she found it difficult at first but my first thought was for her. She’s the most important person in my life so I told her I would be completely within the limits she set. After that, I was  afraid to dress in front of her but we made the decision that I would dress fully in front of her. The big issue for me was that I thought it was just about clothes. After telling her, I realised it was about releasing the feminine part of me. This meant make up, breasts and everything that goes with being a woman. By giving her complete control over when I dressed has meant that over three months or so, she’s gradually come round to more dressing. I still only dress once a week but I’d love it to be more but I hold back so it doesn’t freak her out. She’s now bought me clothes, a leather look skirt and satin top last week. She has given me perfume, the ones she doesn’t want herself and make up as well. She even suggested I shave my legs last week which shocked me. Last night we had an issue with the drains outside in the street and she suggested I investigate while fully dressed. I did and got the biggest buzz I’ve ever had. A car pulled up alongside me, looking for an address I think and I almost freaked out, thankfully they drove on.

      I don’t see it as an addiction, I see it as a compulsion but one I have to control because my wife signed up to being with a man. I keep my man things like football and exercise and don’t push the feminine side to her too much. That way I feel it keeps what she wants as well.

      I hope this helps as I think she should set the limits and hopefully she will slowly come round.

      Best wishes

      Carla x

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