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    • #42735

      Hello, my name is Andi. Andi with an I.

      Since I was in high school I’ve always associated with the opposite sex better than my own, and over the years I struggled with confusion. At first I thought I liked a lot of the girls I knew in a sexual way, but I began to realize that that wasn’t the case; I wanted to be like them. Beautiful, social, spontaneous, bold, and close. I struggled as the male in a mostly female circle and was excluded from a lot of activities. I always took it so personal, but I didn’t know how to explain it to them at the time. After high school, we lost touch.

      Over the years I’ve learned to accept what I wanted most in life, and decided I wanted to be female. I want to dress classy, go to fun events, have a girls’ night out, sleepovers, all that jazz. For me, I want it all the time but I don’t have the time for it. I work two jobs and rarely get a day off. On top of that, my fiance of nine years whom I love more than anything is still adjusting to my recent revealing of this. She supports my happiness, but we’re both growing in this together. I would pursue a full transition if not for her happiness, so we compromise. We can go out some days with me as her handsome man, and others as her beautiful and reportedly very passable girlfriend.

      I used to have a circle of friends, it lasted for a year. I admitted to these girls how I wanted to identify one night in a drunken and panicked depression at our usual pub. I was eventually accepted and began dressing in public. Rarely, but we had a few times out where we made a day of it. It helped me cope with anxiety, depression, and paranoia. I only went out with them. My issues caught up to me lately and this friendship became strained. I depended on it so much to be myself, and when it ended I became flooded with all the problems I thought were gone. Now I have panic attacks daily, my chest hurts, and lately I’ve started feeling dizzy. I tried to go out once on my own afterwards, and left the bar crying hysterically when a table of girls behind me started laughing and looking my way. It was probably unrelated but my paranoia kicked into full gear.

      The worst part is they’re getting along just fine. Even found a guy to replace me. And he has gender identity issues too.

      Wanted to tell my mom about all of this. She drinks heavily when there’s something in the family she considers dysfunctional. I have a cousin who is going through gender reassignment, and she had nothing but poison about the decision. “I couldn’t imagine any of my kids doing shit like that.” I feel like I have nobody to turn to except a therapist, and we’re playing phone tag.

      I just want friends. I want to put it all past me and have fun, new memories. I want to be close to people without feeling like I’m hiding something! So I’m joining this site as a first step in moving forward. If I’m not alone, I know I’ll be okay. It’s a pleasure to meet all of you.

    • #42755
      Rose
      Lady

      Hi Andi. Welcome to CDH, and it’s very nice to meet you. You’ve come to a really good place to find friends and have people to talk to. A lot of us have had experiences similar to yours.

      Can you talk to your cousin for advice and support? She knows at least a little bit of what you’re going through, so maybe she could lend you some emotional support.

      Also, I would recommend that you want to talk to a doctor if at all possible. You could have other health issues leading to the chest pains, even though you think they’re caused by the panic attacks. (And, for whatever it’s worth, your doc can also potentially help with the panic attacks.)

    • #42773
      Christina
      Lady

      Welcome Andis! You’ve definitely come to a fabulous place! Feel free to talk to me any time ❤

    • #42778

      hi andi, welcome there are a lot of us here that understand  how you feel but most of all know you are not alone hugs,Maddie

    • #42780

      Andi- First of all welcome to CDH you are among est friends here we all have been through some events as you also. So ask questions , learn and educated yourself. Talk to all including
      your therapist.
      Hugs,
      Stacey s

    • #42781
      Anonymous

      Hi Andi and welcome to CDH.

       

      Rachel

    • #42785
      Anonymous

      Hi Andi (with an i),

      You’ve found a great place for friends and to just be yourself. I’ve been here for about a month now and have grown to love the opportunity to be myself, to be Jillian, without the restraints I usually put on myself.

      Welcome

      Jillian

    • #42788
      Jennifer
      Lady

      Hi Andi! You’ve come to the right place. Everyone here has been awesome and super supportive. You’re safe here. It’s a great feeling being able to put down your honest thoughts and feelings and not be rejected.

    • #42793

      Thank you all for the kindness and support, it literally feels like home. I’ll try to get pics or something posted soon, too! I look forward to meeting you all more thoroughly and I wanna post pics at some point. Gonna try and get some new ones tomorrow, going out for the first time as the A-type and not the designated driver. I should have done this so much sooner.

      Rose, I love your signature.

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