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Let me know if what I’m discussing is unacceptable for the site. I feel like I have always identified as male and as heterosexual. I have discussed elsewhere on the site how I feel like predominately being overweight, I developed breasts and contemplated wearing women’s clothing. Recently I have started acting out on those impulses. The part where I’m not sure it is okay to talk about is I have been introduced to transsexual pornography. I stumbled onto it while looking up a particular actress and I have been viewing transsexual and cisgendered female couplings. I feel partly that viewing transsexual women like this has helped me in a sense achieve a level of masculinity that is different for me. I feel like I grew up with toxic masculinity from 80s action movies. I feel it is liberating for me to see someone feel sexy like that. The part were I am feeling confused is I have watched transsexual porn where both participants are genetically male. I have not watched gay porn before other then lesbian porn and I feel that watching traditional gay porn is not something I am attracted to. I feel I am attracted to the female form. However, I do not think that I would ever date someone who is genetically male. I am confused as to what I would classify my sexuality as. Like I said, I have always considered myself heterosexual and do not plan to ever have a male partner, but I am confused. Is it just curiosity? I am still talking to an ex of mine and we had traded gifs of porn with each other when we were together to tease each other and she had viewed lesbian porn, but would not consider herself gay or bi.
I know the other ladies here will have better advice on your main question.
As to pornography, some may argue how exploiting it can be. My concern from personal experience is addiction to porn. I have been down that route. Be careful.
Honestly, I can take or leave pornography. I generally feel that when I am in a committed relationship, I feel my need to view it goes down. In my last relationship, my ex was more experienced sexually then me and encouraged me to view pornography for pointers. I do not think I have an addiction to pornography. However, what would be some signs of that?
Not sure how to articulate it but a constant strong overriding compulsion. Occupies your thoughts all day and you look at it every chance you get. Even the guilt and discomfort (like racing heart etc) wont stop you until you come. The pleasure chemicals hit the brain but you don’t enjoy it. Just left feeling blah at times but feeling bad about yourself most of the time.
Outside of the question for or against porn its the monster controlling you that brings you way down emotionally but it has you in its grip.
I really don’t feel like I’m addicted to porn, but the time I felt hollow recently is because of the emotions over originally posting this. I was watching a video with one of the transgender girls I’ve come to like and eventually it was revealed that her partner was also transgender but I couldn’t tell. I just kept going and afterwards I panicked and was thinking about what does this mean and I felt I had to stay up watching normative heterosexual porn to somehow ‘un-gay’ myself or prove how not gay I was. Staying up and trying to achieve climax afterwards left me feeling hollow about myself. Other then that I feel like I mentioned earlier that often I used to not use porn, and my most recent ex was the one who encouraged me to watch it as a bonding experience or to use as a teaching tool since I wasn’t as experienced as her.
Hi Abby
Something that has always stuck with me was a link to a video posted by somebody on this site a long time ago. It attempted to deconstruct this same confusion I was having.
It attempted to explain different aspects of a person and how they need not be linked. I remember three distinct categories:
Our sex: our physical body, genitals, hormones, breasts, the physical make up of us.
Our sexuality: who we are attracted to, heterosexual, LBGT etc.
Our gender: how we identify ourselves and present to the outside world, masculinity, femininity, gender fluid, two gender etc.
It is this last category that presents so much confusion in cross dressers. Just because we are not conforming to traditional societal gender stereotypical behaviour we often question our sex and sexuality. Not a bad thing, maybe helps us find our true happy self, and many realise this femininity is such a wonderful thing and strong draw that they want to transition fully, changing sex, thus more aligning our sex and gender identity. But this still won’t necessarily change our sexual orientation, i.e. who we are attracted to.
Clear as mud?
❤️B
That sounds like an interesting and informative video. Do you happen to have a link or know of similar videos I can look at? Definitely clear as mud lol, but it is helping me. Thank you.
Abby my dear this will be short and sweet, you are a male lesbian, just like me and so many others here. The male form has zero appeal to me, but a beautiful trans person or CDer, that is very different, I do find the image attractive and in some cases arousing. Anyone who has seen Natalie Mars or Daisy Taylor and doesnt find them attractive just cant be honestly be attracted to the female form, and thats how I define myself, I’m attracted to femininity in both forms.
Ladies –
First, let me say that there is nothing wrong with talking about sexual desire and preference as it relates to crossdressing.
It is perfectly acceptable to say “I am attracted to women” or “I am attracted to men, but only when I crossdress” or similar general comments. In order to keep this site functioning the way it was intended to, I am going to ask you all to refrain from discussing specific sexual practices, techniques or results.
I will delete/edit some posts if I feel that they go too far. I appreciate your help in keeping CDH a sanctuary for us girls
Hugs
Dawn
I think it’s a complex topic for sure. Porn has generally done nothing for me, until pandemic, I have started watching more. I second the prior comment that it can be addictive, so beware.
I am attracted to and date men, yet M2M porn does little for me. It’s weird (to me). I have come to love M2CD porn however. On the other hand, I am NOT into women, yet sometimes I find lesbian porn hot. So my point is…it’s a complicated issue, I suppose.
Abby , Hi , I to have viewed porn and like some i can take or leave it as well . My problem is how the girls in these video’s are treated . When i see two people in love , being sweet and gentle to each other is much better . It seems that in some porn flicks its about only one person being satisfied and the other having to take what ever is being done to her . I do have some cd’s of people really making love to each other , this is what i like and find myself stepping away from the other . Porn is addictive and i guess some of us , myself included are longing for a sweet and wonderful romance in our lives , dreaming , and we turn to watching this . I say if it keeps you entertained and healthy in your sex life and don’t let it take over then enjoy , just remember these are just actors and are not really in love . We want love and i hope all of us girls find the real thing and i hope its wonderful . Love for all , Leslie
Yes, I realize porn can exploitative. I like the kinds like you mentioned were everyone is satisfied. I do not like it were it is violent or degrading. I feel like it can be used as a tool to bring couples together to spice things up, but I do understand how people might become addicted to and consumed by it as well.
Your just watching porn, if it turns you on go with it, whatever spins your dials I like to say. I’ve watched quite a few different genres of porn, they all turn me on but it doesn’t define my sexuality. No matter what your watching it’s just sex, enjoy it.
Speaking from painful and ongoing personal experience, as well as acknowledging what a few others here have already stated, please be aware of the addictive nature of pornography. There’s a ton of info out there regarding pornography and sexual addiction.
That being said, if it’s been an aid for in you questioning and learning about yourself there’s no harm in that, especially as you seem to have your viewing habits under control.
Hi, Abby.
I will try to deal with some of the issues you raise briefly but it is difficult first because the relative issues can be complex. Secondly, there is a great deal of misuse of terminology and the inappropriate and false beliefs behind those mistakes.
You are male, that is your sex. It was effectively determined at conception and present technology/medical practices are unable to alter that. But it doesn’t matter.
You are not heterosexual. There are no such things as heterosexual, homosexual or bisexual persons. Briefly one’s libido is not aroused by the other person’s sex (male-female) but by their gender (feminine-androgynous-masculine). It may seem that it is their sex that creates a sexual interest, but it is not. For example, you wrote, “The part were I am feeling confused is I have watched transsexual porn where both participants are genetically male. I have not watched gay porn before other then lesbian porn and I feel that watching traditional gay porn is not something I am attracted to. I feel I am attracted to the female form. However, I do not think that I would ever date someone who is genetically male.” From this I infer that you are gynecophilic, that is sexually attracted to women. But ‘woman’ is an expression of gender not sex. A cow is female but not a woman. There is more to being a woman than being female; one must be feminine as well.
So, two males (sex) who present as masculine (gender) behaving intimately does not attract you. That form of male-masculine seeking a masculine male is what is ‘gay’. But two males who are effectively masculine and feminine might attract you. A male that is attracted to femininity either with a male who is either:
feminine and attracted to masculinity
or
attracted to their own femininity but not necessarily attracted to men as such
is not ‘gay’.
Both types of feminine males are effectively, in that situation, while they are believably feminine, women.
Consider. A gynecophilic (attracted to feminine women) male is someone deemed ‘heterosexual’. If he is attracted to a beautiful young lady that is normal. If the beautiful young lady turns out to be male he can react with panic and hostility (indicating a lack of confidence in his own sexuality and a fear generally indicative of homophobia). Or he can accept that he is still attracted and proceed into a relationship. Does that make him suddenly gay? Hardly, especially as gay males are not particularly attracted to femininity.
The problem is that people assume that one is attracted to a sex. This is inaccurate. It is true that the subconscious, driving, reproductive instinct means that one generally seeks the other (not ‘opposite’, that is extremely sexist) sex. They are, however, aroused by the cues that are deemed elements of femininity in their appearance and even in their physiological structure (i.e., breasts). In other words, the gender is the basis for sexual attraction not the sex. As above, until you can be certain, you really do not know the sex of the other person. You are just guessing based on their gender presentation.
Also, if you assume that it is the sex of the other person that turns you on then it means you are necessarily turned on by all members of that sex no matter how ugly, how old, how unclean or how repellent their appearance is. Since that is obviously not true, it is not their sex that attracts you but their appearance and that appearance is determined by gender and gender, unlike sex, is mutable.
So, what you call ‘transsexual porn’ attracts you because it is masculine-feminine and you are you are attracted to femininity regardless of the persons sex. That, obviously, is ‘normal’. You are gynecophilic.
Now if you have in your character an emerging predisposition to femininity you may eventually find your own femininity arousing, increasing desire to act upon a feminine sexual identity and find an interest is being the feminine partner during coitus with a masculine male. (This is, it is true, ‘homosexual’ (same-sex) sex but it doesn’t matter as it is the roles determined by one’s sexual identity at that time that matter.) The masculine male partner is often seen initially simply as proxy for your masculine self. Granted a more affectionate relationship can, and may develop. So, while you may not be presently interested in sex with another male, you may be curious and this is what is problematic for you. Generally I suspect that, “You too can be seduced.” As Genevïéve said, “Forget the ‘Labels’… Just be You…”!
Araminta.
This was very helpful, thank you for the well thought out and reasoned response. It really struck a cord with me, especially about the lashing out part. I don’t claim to be perfect, but I feel in the past I haven’t exactly been as tolerant as I am now; I feel like when you are a kid anything that is different is immediately considered for ridicule. So I feel at the heart of my conflict is when you made that statement that I’m putting in my head what the societal norm is and I’m not measuring up to it. Honestly 2020 has been both a blessing and a curse but I feel that I have been making a lot of strives to self improvement and getting in touch with myself. I have lost eighty pounds and have a new job that is a stepping stone to the career I want and I feel like I am in touch with my mental health better than before. There were a couple times I wanted to die this year and I feel like it was because I didn’t know myself. I am grateful to everyone on this site that I have met so far because of the positivity and sense of community. Thank you for accepting me.
Hi Abby,
I can relate to part of your “problem”, at least. After being suppressed for decades, my urge to Dress returned and overwhelmed me at the same time I developed breasts. My gender identity has flipped over, Sexual identity is still strictly hetero; it could be because I’m happily married to a GG for over 50 years, a loss of libido, or something else entirely.
But I’m happy, because I’ve been able to accept that my self-image does not have to match
my plumbing.Hugs,
Bettyloulove is love. dont matter who it is with. if you are both happy it shouldnt matter. it was pounded in your head that if your a male you need to be with a female. like they pounded in your head that males color is blue and female color is pink. who made up that rule? animals have sex with the same, so why cant we? its about making each other feel good and the need to be needed. lifes to short for stupid rules that dont hurt anybody. im not attracted to males but when im dressed the feel can change because i want to play the female role. i dress like a female so why cant i act like a female? it just completes what im doing. its not wrong if nobody is getting hurt and everyone is enjoying it. so many things dont make sense. wasnt man the first one to wear a skirt? the irish still do and nobody is calling them pussies. its all that makes you happy that matters. its your life, enjoy it. your not going to be here forever.
It’s such a simple concept but it’s so hard to get around because of what you said society making stuff a certain way. I’m currently on a dating site and due to the popularity of tinder most modern sites have the swiping function. Usually I read profiles but it gets time consuming so I started just swiping over time. I had two mutual matches who ended up being transgender. I feel like I immediately panicked because it’s like why didn’t they say something? They did if I read the profile :p obviously I felt some attraction to them and they more then reasonably passed as a genetic female, but that type of event and this porn thing just launched me into a panic. It’s like one thing at a time, I’m coming to terms with having issues of depression and anxiety and cross dressing and now I feel like my sexuality is in question. If I did pursue one of these matches, I wonder how negatively my family or friends would react. My dad had questioned one of my nephews sexuality when he mentioned his gf was gender fluid but was relieved when she was genetically female. I feel like he would’ve accepted him if he was gay but would prefer him not to be. I have few friends and I feel like we never talked about this stuff or they don’t have anyone in their family who is gay so I ultimately don’t know how people would react and if I would be shunned by people I know and love. Also I feel like I’m reading some tgirls profiles that ultimately they don’t want to be a unicorn, just some experience to have. Me when I’ve been in a relationship it’s been once we are official it’s for the long hall and aiming hopefully for marriage. Has anyone had an experience where they felt like they were a unicorn and how I can avoid making someone feel like that? I feel like I’m the past I had a narcissistic relationship and the ex made me feel bad about myself and I don’t want others to feel like they are just being used.
There are plenty of us heteros here!
I only stopped being confused by it all when I started thinking at a more universal level:
There have always been strong, “butch” ladies and effeminate men – and it makes total sense that there’s a spectrum of gender identity from girly girl to alpha male.
There’s also a spectrum of sexuality – and the two things aren’t necessarily related.
We’re as individual as our fingerprints – once you’ve got that bit down, you can stop categorizing or pigeon-holing yourself and just say “Hey, I like this, but not that sort much”, without trying to conform to some stereotype.
It won’t necessarily make you a radical, but, with a stronger view of who you are, it will make you feel much more comfortable with yourself, and less confused.
The process takes time – like weeding an overgrown garden.
Somewhere in there is your own garden, so take the time to grow the bits you like and pull out the bits you don’t. Some of the roots have a habit of coming back time after time – even when you thought you’d got the last of the buggers.
Some people take that to a physical level, which I totally get: I feel revolted by male physicality, including my own – but I am married, and anyway, I discovered long ago that the dream of becoming a girl was just that. As soon as I thought about it practically, I really don’t want to swap my own body or body parts for that of a female – I have my reasons – and besides, female bodies, to me are works of the most divine art, almost without exception. Where it is evident care has been lacking in the extreme, even a female body can lose appeal.
But other people find they need to take extra steps and become physically closer to the way they feel. We’re all different.
That’s the crux.
They’re my reasons.
They may not be amazing, but they belong to me – it’s about owning you and being you to the best of your ability.
That simple yet fiendishly difficult approach brings so much joy and purpose to life, with practise – I bless the day I came out, even though it’s brought issues of its own.
They’re my issues. I own them and am in control – even if the pace of resolution is painfully slow sometimes, it all takes the time it takes.
Baby steps.
Gardening is one of the slowest paced performance arts.
Developing yourself as a person takes even longer.
Sometimes I wonder what is going to fall out of my head next – I really hope this is helpful to you!
Love Laura
I think you’re right about baby steps. I mentioned in this thread about being matched with two trans women on a dating site. I started talking with them and one of them I feel like they are very beautiful and witty, but their personality might not be in mesh with mine. I’m also talking to some women and I feel like how I’m talking and engaging with them I feel more stimulated. So I feel like based on it being the right person, I might be interested in being with a trans woman but right now the people I am feeling more connected to aren’t. I’m also wondering if part of the reason I’m not connecting with the two matches in a way that I hope for is due to latent transphobia or homophobia that I was taught. I don’t want to make it sound like I was a bully or a good old boy, I was taught to be tolerant but it’s like passive homophobic tendencies. I respect your right to do stuff but you don’t need to tell me or do it near me that type of crap. So part of my problem is wondering about potential sexual experiences. I was a virgin when I met my ex and she wasn’t and I feel that during my first time I started to feel some traumatic thoughts. It was more that I wasn’t sure she was enjoying herself and I was inadequate. So I feel that this would again be that virginal experience of basically shattering one identity and forming another. If anyone has an anecdote that they can share about their first experience it would be a big help. Did anyone have these types of feelings and how did you get over them?
I kept talking to her and I feel like we have connected really well. I explained some of my fears and they’re very understanding. I still feel like I have a deep connection or at least interest with the cisgender women I’m talking to on the site, but definitely talking with her she has elicited some strong feelings. It’s weird because I’m attracted and yet feel like I’m terrified at the same time but more so from how passionate she is. I can’t say anyone else has ever made me feel like this except maybe my ex when I first met her in person. We had gone on a date and she looked up in my eyes and I knew she wanted to kiss me so I did and that honestly scared me. It rained and I started trembling and I think she thought I was cold but I wasn’t. Honestly talking to the ts woman on the site elicited that same kind of response where when I was texting her something I started trembling and my breath caught in my throat. A couple cisgender women on the site I find attractive and they’re smart and I feel engaged and alive when talking with them. I guess ultimately it is up to me to eventually choose but both feelings feel really great to me because I feel like I can be loved again. After my ex broke up with me I felt like I had possibly been serial monogamous where I jumped from one relationship to another and didn’t take care of myself. I feel being alone has been good for me because right now I feel that I don’t need someone but I can want someone. So I guess that gives validity to my feelings that regardless of they are, I’m attracted to whoever they are as a person and not because I’m afraid of being alone.
I guess the reason I feel confused is that it feels like I shouldn’t have those types of desires, so while I’m attracted to women I feel bad about myself. I guess it is again an example of societal programming about what you are told to consider is wrong and it’s conflicting with my current identity.
I appreciate that. I feel like I’m concerned about labels because I’m not sure how a future significant other will react to these types of things. I don’t even know how one would broach this type of subject and if it is one of those nuclear topics where the relationship just ends. I know it’s not good if you hide who you are but it’s hard to find someone who is accepting of all that.
“Deal breaker”
Thank you for reminding me of another set of weasel words!
There is no deal that I am aware of which dictates the clothing that a person might wear.
Is it a deal breaker for men if their wives cut their hair, stop wearing makeup and dresses, and start wearing jeans and t-shirts?
What is the deal? Where is it written?
It’s another weaponised phrase – an insult cast as a statement of being victimised.
The deal is love, to my mind.
Do you feel love for the person or not?
The presentation has a lot to do with attraction, but a poorly wrapped present may contain an exciting gift – or, if from a child, for example, it may be a gift full of love, created with a genuine and innocent sense of “Daddy will really love this”.
I think of the phrase “Never judge a book by its cover.”
People are like icebergs.
There’s the bit you see, then there’s a huge amount underneath that you might never see, because of the depth.
When you marry, the deal is that you everything, including the bits you don’t like so much.
Love Laura
I found some articles online and I’m going to read them. This identification of male lesbian seems to resonant with me. Another reason I feel like I need a potential label is to not only be able to communicate this with a potential significant other is to be able to figure this out myself. This is helping me to grasp what I feel like I’m going through. Thank you everyone.
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