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  • #404786
    Diana W
    Participant
    Registered On: July 9, 2020
    Topics: 11
    Replies: 219
    Has thanked: 1055 times
    Been thanked: 944 times

    So I’ve been a CD for four months now.  For the most part I’ve been content just wearing feminine clothes.  But two nights I had what felt almost like an anxiety attack.  I felt so uncomfortable, stressed out and like I wanted to climb out of my own skin.  I just felt I wanted to feel more feminine and I didn’t know what to do with myself.  My wife found me in the bedroom with my head in my hands.  She wanted to know what she could do to help.  In the end she put eye liner, eye shadow and blusher on me.  I was already wearing lipstick.  We drank wine and watched a Hallmark Christmas movie together and we loved it.

    Yesterday I felt much calmer.  But tonight I began to feel frustration and anxiety again.  Nothing like the other night, but it’s still there.  Last night I researched gender dysphoria and many of the symptoms listed were what I was feeling.  Especially the anxiety.  So is this thing going further?  I don’t want to transition as it would likely destroy my marriage. My wife and I have a good understanding right now, but she has stated she doesn’t want to be married to a woman.  I just don’t feel comfortable in my own body right now!

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    • #405163
      Diana W
      Participant
      Registered On: July 9, 2020
      Topics: 11
      Replies: 219
      Has thanked: 1055 times
      Been thanked: 944 times

      Thank you, Araminta for this detailed reply.  I do have a lot to think about.  And I know I need some kind of therapy to help me figure out what is going on with me.  My wife gives me a lot of leeway to dress as a woman full time at home.  Tonight I’m calm, so far.  Two of the past three nights I’ve had this discomfort and anxiety.  I don’t hate my masculine body but I don’t feel I identify as masculine at all.  I’m going to have to figure this all out somehow.

      1 user thanked author for this post.
      • #405213
        Araminta Purdy
        Participant
        Registered On: January 23, 2020
        Topics: 1
        Replies: 190
        Has thanked: 226 times
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        Keep in mind that there is no contradiction in wanting to remain male and desiring to be feminine (a woman). That is the common misinterpretation, i.e., that if you are male you have to be masculine and contrariwise, that you have to be female to be a woman.

        Surely we, here, have the combined experiences to demonstrate the fallacy of assuming that one’s sex dictates one’s gender. Yet that is still a very common assumption. Even amongst cross-dressers.

        You may even want to be a woman most of the time, if not all of the time.

        To me, being a woman is the desire to be attractive and to exhibit a certain collection of behavioural patterns usually associated with females with clothing perhaps being the stimulus more than the reaction. The clothing makes us feel feminine but the femininity has always been there. Even some females feel constricted by the pressure to continuously fit into that pattern. Some females, just like some males, revel in being feminine. In just the same way many males feel that being (what is in the common view) masculine is not to their taste. I certainly feel that way and find much about the usual view of masculinity to be offensive and repulsive.

        I keep saying that if you want to be feminine, then be the best woman you can be and, above all, be a lady.

        You may be just going through an emotional breakdown, sometimes necessary to facilitate the evolution from a set of contradictory and destructive beliefs into something more consistent with reality, even if it is just our personal, subjective reality. Sometimes you have to shatter deeply-held certainties to be able to recognize the fallacies behind them. It can be a step through the looking glass and nothing is ever the same again.

        Araminta.

        3 users thanked author for this post.
    • #405126
      Araminta Purdy
      Participant
      Registered On: January 23, 2020
      Topics: 1
      Replies: 190
      Has thanked: 226 times
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      I was never exactly happy with the term, “Gender Dysphoria”, as I believe it gives an inaccurate impression.

      The thing is, some people are gender variant and some people are gender invariant. That is, some people only pretty much wish to present as androgynous, masculine or feminine pretty much all of the time and other people have the desire to be pretty much wholly feminine at some times or wholly masculine at other times.

      When you are male and want to be feminine all of the time, the problem isn’t with your gender as you are probably happy being feminine. The problem is that you feel that your male anatomy conflicts with your desire to be feminine. It isn’t the gender that creates the discomfiture of dysphoria but the sex. However, “Sex Dysphoria” is a bit vague.

      So, for someone who is gender invariant feminine and also male, this a serious barrier to living full-time as a woman. The desire to be a woman becomes strong and even so necessary that anatomical gender transition becomes mandatory to a healthy and happy life and to beneficial self-actualization.

      Such persons state that they hate their male genitalia, that they are despondent at not being accepted as women and that they need the validation that being ‘legally female’ gives them. HRT, Real-Life Experience, Gender Reassignment Surgery and other feminization surgeries become essential to their well-being.

      So some questions to ask include:

      Are you satisfied with being feminine sometimes or do you need (really, really need) to be a woman all of the time?

      Are you willing to go through the trials and tribulations as well as the expense of transition or partial transition?

      Most importantly, is your depression, or other forms of suffering, due to the fact that you feel unable to live wholly presenting the gender that is dominant within you?

      There could be other sources of your discomfort. For example, one reason (or at least a partial reason) for males desiring to be women is that they see such a variable transition as being an escape from the sometimes unreasonable pressures of being masculine.

      You could be suffering from a rather severe case of ‘Pink Fog’, wanting to develop your femininity but finding yourself restricted or barred from developing as completely as you might like.

      Because such problems may not be (or not solely be) to an unhappiness with one’s male physiognomy it is necessary to consult with a therapist or a professional in Psychology or even a psychiatrist in order to first deal with all other outstanding problems. You have to go through a deep introspection and an honest appraisal of your own psyche. This requires extensive knowledge hence knowledgable guidance. But you have to make sure that such guidance is actually knowledgeable and not overly based on some popularized ‘Psychology’ or, frankly, outright lunacy.

      So, one thing I would suggest is to take a sort of inventory of other matters that impinge upon your psyche. Unhappy at work? Have you had problems with feeling that you do not meet your full potential? Is your life not as fulfilling as you might like? Stuff like that.

      Basically, if you decide that you need to transition, especially a complete transition, then you should do so as soon as possible:

      But:

      You should do it very, very carefully and in a knowledgable and deliberately paced series of steps.

      So, take a deep breath, be patient, think and learn. And when you ‘research’ Gender Dysphoria, not all opinions on the matter are in sync with each other.

      Araminta.

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    • #404950
      Diana W
      Participant
      Registered On: July 9, 2020
      Topics: 11
      Replies: 219
      Has thanked: 1055 times
      Been thanked: 944 times

      Thank you, Stephanie.  I don’t hate my body to that extent. I do find myself wishing I had breasts.  I hope I never get to the point where I hate my male body.

      My wife has been wonderful but she does keep saying she misses her husband and wishes I could find a balance of being both masculine and feminine.  But I don’t feel masculine any more.  I could pretend for her sake, but I feel it would just be an act.

      I do feel I need some kind of counselling.  Just to help me process the way I’m feeling.   This all only started 4 months ago but it’s progressing so fast I can barely keep up.  I’m lucky enough that my wife is comfortable with me dressing en femme at home so the only time I have to wear male clothes is when I’m out in public. I get to wear lipstick three or four nights a week.  I just don’t know what more Diana wants right now!

      2 users thanked author for this post.
      • #405322
        stephanie plumb
        Participant
        Registered On: November 17, 2018
        Topics: 100
        Replies: 964
        Has thanked: 1183 times
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        My advice is Whoa! girl –  slow it down a bit. You are rushing ahead too fast for both you and your wife to process this fundamental change in your relationship, both with yourself and her perception of you. It takes time to adjust.

        I hope you are not offended by what I am about to say.

        I think you are being a bit self-centred here.  It’s not all about you.  You need to pay more attention to your wife’s needs and  give her the time she needs to come to terms with the new you. Cut back on the dressing and lippy – yes, its hard to do, but I suspect your wife needs more time with her husband.

        You don’t need to pretend to be masculine – just be yourself. And constantly reassure your wife that you are still the same person she married.   Because you are; there is only the one you;  you are not two seperate  identities.   I have been through this myself. My wife said she would never have married me if she had know.  It’s taken a few months but she now accepts that my behaviour towards her has not changed.

        It is possible  to internalise your feminine feelings. Taking part in CDH can be part of this process – I found it  a sort of therapy in itself.  It lets you maintain contact with your femininity.

        I think Araminta is correct when she says you may have a severe case of the “pink fog” 0r gender euphoria. Your feminine identity has seized control.  One of the downsides of this is that it can cloud our judgement and cause us to make rash or bad decisions.  It can result in spending money you can’t afford, do things you shouldn’t do. There have been extreme cases where girls have fully transitioned, dropped out of the fog, and realised they made a terrible mistake.   Before deciding or doing anything ask yourself “is it the fog influencing me?”

        You have made progress already by joining CDH, submitting this post, and having dialogue with other girls.  You have concluded that you don’t have dysphoria!  Keep it up.  Read the stories and posts on CDH – it should start to allow you to make sense of what you are going through.  There are some knowledgeable girls on CDH  – like Araminta , and DeeAnn, and many others who can give you perspective.   And Grace and Amanda will make you smile.  Diana will figure it out eventually.

        As for counselling – give yourself a little more time before spending thousands  ( which your wife might resent) on “lend me your watch and I will tell you the time” counsellors.    And seeking help from psychiatrists can be like stepping into the lions den.   I have read accounts by transgender girls who have been down this route – they found that often the narrative followed is that you need fixing.

        If  you do go for counselling try to find one who has real experience with gender issues, and preferably is transgender or a cd themselves.   Give CDH a try first. I did. And it worked for me.

        Stephanie P

        1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #404918
      Amanda Burton
      Participant
      Registered On: January 15, 2020
      Topics: 9
      Replies: 433
      Has thanked: 4435 times
      Been thanked: 1698 times

      It might not be.  Anxiety has many causes.   Dysphoria involves disliking your male body and assigned gender, to a point that causes real distress.

      The frustration may be because you are not yet able to explore and experience your femininity as much as you would like too. She is bursting to be released! A lot of us feel these frustrations too.

      You need to give yourself more time.  Use CDH – it is wonderfully therapeutic and supportive. It worked wonders for me – opening up avenues I had never thought of and leading to a complete acceptance of who I really am. You have started on a journey and hit a crisis point – you can get past this.

      You have an amazing advantage – your wife is being supportive, and can help you come to terms with yourself.   It doesn’t have to lead to transitioning. Many girls who identify as transgender have no desire to take things further. They just enjoy being who they are.

      If this persists however then you might need professional help – but find a counsellor who is themselves transgender – only they knows how it feels.

      And take internet searches with a large pinch of salt.  Sometimes the articles are years out of date and understanding of gender issues has advanced quite recently.   Psychiatric sites in particular are very dispassionate and cold – I have learned to steer clear except for research purposes.   There is a saying – if you google a symptom you will have a hundred diseases.

      I hope you start feeling more relaxed soon …..

      Stephanie P

      Well I was going to answer this post, but having read Stephanie reply, she has simply expressed everything I was going to say, so all that’s left for me to say is I agree with Stephanie’ analysis 100%.

      Totally agree too, the Internet is a great source of research, but not a bible for a diagnosis.

      5 users thanked author for this post.
    • #404849
      stephanie plumb
      Participant
      Registered On: November 17, 2018
      Topics: 100
      Replies: 964
      Has thanked: 1183 times
      Been thanked: 3696 times

      It might not be.  Anxiety has many causes.   Dysphoria involves disliking your male body and assigned gender, to a point that causes real distress.

      The frustration may be because you are not yet able to explore and experience your femininity as much as you would like too. She is bursting to be released! A lot of us feel these frustrations too.

      You need to give yourself more time.  Use CDH – it is wonderfully therapeutic and supportive. It worked wonders for me – opening up avenues I had never thought of and leading to a complete acceptance of who I really am. You have started on a journey and hit a crisis point – you can get past this.

      You have an amazing advantage – your wife is being supportive, and can help you come to terms with yourself.   It doesn’t have to lead to transitioning. Many girls who identify as transgender have no desire to take things further. They just enjoy being who they are.

      If this persists however then you might need professional help – but find a counsellor who is themselves transgender – only they knows how it feels.

      And take internet searches with a large pinch of salt.  Sometimes the articles are years out of date and understanding of gender issues has advanced quite recently.   Psychiatric sites in particular are very dispassionate and cold – I have learned to steer clear except for research purposes.   There is a saying – if you google a symptom you will have a hundred diseases.

      I hope you start feeling more relaxed soon …..

      Stephanie P

    • #404791
      Rei Durden
      Participant
      Registered On: October 11, 2020
      Topics: 15
      Replies: 577
      Has thanked: 3593 times
      Been thanked: 2195 times

      That does sound rough, I’m so happy you’ve got a loving and supportive wife Diana.

      I don’t a whole lot on any of the CD/transgender spectrum, I’m still figuring out so much, it’s overwhelming at times.

      My journey as it stands is to explore as far as possible within the boundaries my wife and I defined which sound much like yours.

      If the support here at CDH and at home is still not helping I’d suggest a professional, there’s no need to suffer alone.

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