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So I’ve been a CD for four months now. For the most part I’ve been content just wearing feminine clothes. But two nights I had what felt almost like an anxiety attack. I felt so uncomfortable, stressed out and like I wanted to climb out of my own skin. I just felt I wanted to feel more feminine and I didn’t know what to do with myself. My wife found me in the bedroom with my head in my hands. She wanted to know what she could do to help. In the end she put eye liner, eye shadow and blusher on me. I was already wearing lipstick. We drank wine and watched a Hallmark Christmas movie together and we loved it.
Yesterday I felt much calmer. But tonight I began to feel frustration and anxiety again. Nothing like the other night, but it’s still there. Last night I researched gender dysphoria and many of the symptoms listed were what I was feeling. Especially the anxiety. So is this thing going further? I don’t want to transition as it would likely destroy my marriage. My wife and I have a good understanding right now, but she has stated she doesn’t want to be married to a woman. I just don’t feel comfortable in my own body right now!
That does sound rough, I’m so happy you’ve got a loving and supportive wife Diana.
I don’t a whole lot on any of the CD/transgender spectrum, I’m still figuring out so much, it’s overwhelming at times.
My journey as it stands is to explore as far as possible within the boundaries my wife and I defined which sound much like yours.
If the support here at CDH and at home is still not helping I’d suggest a professional, there’s no need to suffer alone.
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Well I was going to answer this post, but having read Stephanie reply, she has simply expressed everything I was going to say, so all that’s left for me to say is I agree with Stephanie’ analysis 100%.Totally agree too, the Internet is a great source of research, but not a bible for a diagnosis.
Thank you, Stephanie. I don’t hate my body to that extent. I do find myself wishing I had breasts. I hope I never get to the point where I hate my male body.
My wife has been wonderful but she does keep saying she misses her husband and wishes I could find a balance of being both masculine and feminine. But I don’t feel masculine any more. I could pretend for her sake, but I feel it would just be an act.
I do feel I need some kind of counselling. Just to help me process the way I’m feeling. This all only started 4 months ago but it’s progressing so fast I can barely keep up. I’m lucky enough that my wife is comfortable with me dressing en femme at home so the only time I have to wear male clothes is when I’m out in public. I get to wear lipstick three or four nights a week. I just don’t know what more Diana wants right now!
I was never exactly happy with the term, “Gender Dysphoria”, as I believe it gives an inaccurate impression.
The thing is, some people are gender variant and some people are gender invariant. That is, some people only pretty much wish to present as androgynous, masculine or feminine pretty much all of the time and other people have the desire to be pretty much wholly feminine at some times or wholly masculine at other times.
When you are male and want to be feminine all of the time, the problem isn’t with your gender as you are probably happy being feminine. The problem is that you feel that your male anatomy conflicts with your desire to be feminine. It isn’t the gender that creates the discomfiture of dysphoria but the sex. However, “Sex Dysphoria” is a bit vague.
So, for someone who is gender invariant feminine and also male, this a serious barrier to living full-time as a woman. The desire to be a woman becomes strong and even so necessary that anatomical gender transition becomes mandatory to a healthy and happy life and to beneficial self-actualization.
Such persons state that they hate their male genitalia, that they are despondent at not being accepted as women and that they need the validation that being ‘legally female’ gives them. HRT, Real-Life Experience, Gender Reassignment Surgery and other feminization surgeries become essential to their well-being.
So some questions to ask include:
Are you satisfied with being feminine sometimes or do you need (really, really need) to be a woman all of the time?
Are you willing to go through the trials and tribulations as well as the expense of transition or partial transition?
Most importantly, is your depression, or other forms of suffering, due to the fact that you feel unable to live wholly presenting the gender that is dominant within you?
There could be other sources of your discomfort. For example, one reason (or at least a partial reason) for males desiring to be women is that they see such a variable transition as being an escape from the sometimes unreasonable pressures of being masculine.
You could be suffering from a rather severe case of ‘Pink Fog’, wanting to develop your femininity but finding yourself restricted or barred from developing as completely as you might like.
Because such problems may not be (or not solely be) to an unhappiness with one’s male physiognomy it is necessary to consult with a therapist or a professional in Psychology or even a psychiatrist in order to first deal with all other outstanding problems. You have to go through a deep introspection and an honest appraisal of your own psyche. This requires extensive knowledge hence knowledgable guidance. But you have to make sure that such guidance is actually knowledgeable and not overly based on some popularized ‘Psychology’ or, frankly, outright lunacy.
So, one thing I would suggest is to take a sort of inventory of other matters that impinge upon your psyche. Unhappy at work? Have you had problems with feeling that you do not meet your full potential? Is your life not as fulfilling as you might like? Stuff like that.
Basically, if you decide that you need to transition, especially a complete transition, then you should do so as soon as possible:
But:
You should do it very, very carefully and in a knowledgable and deliberately paced series of steps.
So, take a deep breath, be patient, think and learn. And when you ‘research’ Gender Dysphoria, not all opinions on the matter are in sync with each other.
Araminta.
Thank you, Araminta for this detailed reply. I do have a lot to think about. And I know I need some kind of therapy to help me figure out what is going on with me. My wife gives me a lot of leeway to dress as a woman full time at home. Tonight I’m calm, so far. Two of the past three nights I’ve had this discomfort and anxiety. I don’t hate my masculine body but I don’t feel I identify as masculine at all. I’m going to have to figure this all out somehow.
Keep in mind that there is no contradiction in wanting to remain male and desiring to be feminine (a woman). That is the common misinterpretation, i.e., that if you are male you have to be masculine and contrariwise, that you have to be female to be a woman.
Surely we, here, have the combined experiences to demonstrate the fallacy of assuming that one’s sex dictates one’s gender. Yet that is still a very common assumption. Even amongst cross-dressers.
You may even want to be a woman most of the time, if not all of the time.
To me, being a woman is the desire to be attractive and to exhibit a certain collection of behavioural patterns usually associated with females with clothing perhaps being the stimulus more than the reaction. The clothing makes us feel feminine but the femininity has always been there. Even some females feel constricted by the pressure to continuously fit into that pattern. Some females, just like some males, revel in being feminine. In just the same way many males feel that being (what is in the common view) masculine is not to their taste. I certainly feel that way and find much about the usual view of masculinity to be offensive and repulsive.
I keep saying that if you want to be feminine, then be the best woman you can be and, above all, be a lady.
You may be just going through an emotional breakdown, sometimes necessary to facilitate the evolution from a set of contradictory and destructive beliefs into something more consistent with reality, even if it is just our personal, subjective reality. Sometimes you have to shatter deeply-held certainties to be able to recognize the fallacies behind them. It can be a step through the looking glass and nothing is ever the same again.
Araminta.
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