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  • #594600
    Stephanie Green
    Participant
    Registered On: October 30, 2021
    Topics: 3
    Replies: 72
    Has thanked: 90 times
    Been thanked: 371 times

    My CD journey has taken me from wearing only lingerie alone at home to getting fully dressed and going out for a makeover.  The more I dressed, the more I wanted to dress.  The more I indulged my feminine side, the more femininity I wanted to experience.  Every time I think a certain CD experience will finally satisfy my feminine side, I find out that I am wrong.  I want to do and experience more.  Every time a stranger addresses me as a woman or treats me like a lady, it validates my femininity.  When men noticed me and gave me compliments, my feminity was confirmed even more.

    At the beginning of my CD journey, and up until recently, I didn’t seriously think about transitioning to being a woman.  I was curious about what it would be like to live as a woman, but not so curious that I could really see myself changing my sex.  However, the positive reactions I’ve gotten from people while out en femme have got me seriously thinking about taking steps in that direction.  Another thing that has me thinking about transitioning is that I recently had a conversation with a friend here and shared with her some thoughts that I would not have shared previously.  Maybe I’m making too much of my ability to share a very personal secret., but it just seems like too significant of a change in me to brush off.

    A few of my friends here have recommended that I talk to a therapist.  If my thoughts and feelings continue to point me toward transitioning, I will.

    For now, I’d appreciate some input from the transwomen here.  Are your experiences similar to mine in any way?  How did you go from CD to transwoman?

Viewing 6 reply threads
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    • #601367
      Rei Durden
      Baroness - Annual
      Registered On: October 11, 2020
      Topics: 29
      Replies: 1022
      Has thanked: 5887 times
      Been thanked: 4313 times

      You are not alone that is for certain!

      Reading through all the other girls responses is like reading through my own journal.

      When I arrived here just over a year ago I was so deep in the closet I couldn’t see the light of day, so full of internalized transphobia I couldn’t stand myself!

      Finding this great community was surely Divine Intervention/Fate and has lead me down roads I’d never dreamed and I hope it has a similar effect for you.

      I can’t stress the importance of finding a GOOD therapist enough, even just a visit or two may be enough to alter the trajectory of your life.

      Good luck and best wishes!

      • This reply was modified 3 weeks ago by Rei Durden. Reason: Spelling!
      3 users thanked author for this post.
    • #601012
      Charlene Victoria
      Lady
      Registered On: November 29, 2016
      Topics: 27
      Replies: 244
      Has thanked: 1461 times
      Been thanked: 1467 times

      Hi Stephanie. You ask a very legitimate question. The answer is not easy and the consequence can undoudtedly be life changing. I do agree however that CDing does seem to be compounding.  Perhaps revealing or confirming is a better way to phrase it.

      It seems for most a little dressing leads to more and many now seem to finding going out public as their ultimate goal. They achieve that goal, successfully pass in public,  and yet many of those girl’s profiles state quite plainly; not trans, very happy with being a man and CDing.

      I honestly am glad for them. They “scratch the itch” and then are contented until they “itch” again.

      Such is not the case for me. When I dress I tend to feel somewhat disheartened knowing that it is all a masquerade. I dress to look like a woman and when the session is over I undress and have to present as a man again. But there’s the rub, intrinsically I know I am not a man. I am a woman. All the objective evidence plainly states, “you are a man.” It is clear is it not? Yes to be sure all the evidence says I am a male, a man. But I am not; I am a woman.

      How can I say that, believe that, be so convinced of that? How does any woman know she is a woman? Must she prove it? No, she just knows she is a woman intrinsically. This is where I find myself.

      This is what makes transitioning so attractive to me. Cis-woman’s female bodies establish their womanhood to the world in which they live and move and have their being. No one questions their womanhood regardless of how feminine or butch they present. At this point I can only imagine what it would be like to have a body that tells the truth that I know about myself to world around me; That’s a woman so treat her accordingly.

      My deepest longing is to be related to and to relate to others as the woman I am. I have come to understand myself this way, ” I am not a man wanting to be a woman; no, I am simply a woman wanting to be.”

      Yes Stephanie, I completely understand your plight. If you are like me such incongruity daily wearies you as it does me. And it both frightens and excites me to contemplate where such understanding of my inner self might ultimately take me. Full time womanhood with a body as female as medical science can give me seems to be such an honor. I don’t see that honor and privilege ever being mine in this lifetime, but that does not diminish the fact that I am a woman.

      Kindly,

      Charlene.

      2 users thanked author for this post.
    • #600045
      Emily Alt
      Duchess - Annual
      Registered On: August 24, 2019
      Topics: 13
      Replies: 675
      Has thanked: 545 times
      Been thanked: 3234 times

      Stephanie,

      Everything you said resonates.

      I tried for decades to NOT be who I really was.  After my last purge I actually thought I was cured.  It lasted several years.  Then it all came rushing back….stronger than ever.  For a month I was close to a nervous breakdown.  When I finally relented the relief was unmistakable.  There was no denying I was somewhere on the spectrum.

      It’s been 6 years since my egg cracked.  I didn’t immediately identify as trans, thanks to a lifetime of internalized transphobia.  Non-binary, crossdresser, gender fluid, questioning….whatever.  Anything but trans.  But all my experiences pointed in that direction.  Much like you.

      In my head I’m feminine.  I don’t need clothes or makeup or padding to feel that way.  Instead, those things enhance my femininity.  They make me a happier and more confident person.  Especially the padding.  Removing it feels like I’m losing a part of myself.

      Conversely, when I present as a guy, there’s always a background angst.  An agitation.  And a feeling that something is missing.  It goes away when I stop being that person.

      My therapist says she hears those things a lot from her trans patients.

      About a year ago I started to identify as trans and began looking at what my next steps were.  HRT seemed obvious but I took a few months to do a ton of research.  I’m not going to get into the weeds about all that.  Suffice to say there are a lot of potential pitfalls with HRT.  It pays to do your due diligence.

      I started Estradiol Valerate injections 4 months ago.  I’m sure it was the right decision.

      I noticed within a few days that my latent angst and agitation were almost completely gone.  There’s a clarity to my thought that never existed.  I handle difficult situations more easily.  I have more empathy for the people around me.

      Physically there’ve been some small changes.  A little boob growth.  Softer skin.  Body and facial hair grows much slower and is finer.  I sweat less and smell different better!

      My one bit of advice – get into counseling.  A good gender therapist will help you sort things out way better than you can do on your own.  If you decide you’re trans, you’ll probably need a letter for some medical treatments.  It’s worth the effort.

      Best of luck to you.  Happy New Year!

      Emily

      • #600813
        Roberta Broussard
        Baroness
        Registered On: July 20, 2020
        Topics: 5
        Replies: 207
        Has thanked: 2847 times
        Been thanked: 955 times

        Oh Emily,  i can so relate to your experiences. I wish it was all easier.

        2 users thanked author for this post.
    • #594661
      Regine Kelly
      Lady
      Registered On: October 9, 2020
      Topics: 44
      Replies: 1470
      Has thanked: 20365 times
      Been thanked: 7016 times

      Hi Stephanie.
      I agree with Angela, you either are, or not.
      My own story, I have not had any HRT, or surgery, but I am most definitely a transwoman. As I indulged my crossdressing, and went from just putting on the clothes, to actually putting on the “girl”, I realized that this is who I truly am. Could I use counseling? quite possibly, but the feeling I get when I become Regine, and yes, I live her every day, is just too “right”, to be anyone else but her/me.
      when I first joined here, shortly after I accepted these desires, I had no wish to transition in any way, now, it is all I think of, lol.
      Hugs, Regine

    • #594645
      Haley Ann
      Duchess
      Registered On: October 12, 2020
      Topics: 6
      Replies: 230
      Has thanked: 223 times
      Been thanked: 1094 times

      There are many days when I feel exactly like you are feeling, so you are not alone!

      Haley

      6 users thanked author for this post.
    • #594631
      Angela Booth
      Lady
      Registered On: August 1, 2020
      Topics: 7
      Replies: 772
      Has thanked: 2855 times
      Been thanked: 3899 times

      Firstly I would say that you should take the advice to see a specialist therapist. From what you have written there is a strong element of gender dysphoria in you.

      To the question,  fundamentally you either are or aren’t. You can evolve your crossdressing but being trans is something that is always there.  You do not need to have any surgery to be a Transwoman. Just living as a woman would suffice as there are those who may not be able to have hormones/surgery .

      It is a complex issue and I am sure that you will get lots of experiences and advice. It is for you to decide what it means to you and how you wish to deal with it as it is personal to you as circumstances vary  so outcomes will differ. Remember this would be a life changing event for those around you as well.

       

    • #594601
      Elizabeth
      Lady
      Registered On: October 7, 2021
      Topics: 32
      Replies: 401
      Has thanked: 2608 times
      Been thanked: 1852 times

      Only you can decide what’s best, certainly talk to others, but you have to do what’s best for you.

      There are girls on this site who will be able to advise you better than me.

      Whatever you decide, hope it works out for you girl

      Liz

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