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  • #383386
    stephanie plumb
    Participant
    Registered On: November 17, 2018
    Topics: 90
    Replies: 798
    Has thanked: 906 times
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    Dear GGs.  I could do with your insights.                                                                                                           CD’s please don’t reply, I know all our stock answers already – I need a GG’s perspective.

    I apologise for stumbling round the wording, it is difficult to put onto the page what I am internalising.

    I am having trouble with the wording of the conversation I want to have with my wife.   She knows I crossdress and always have.   She was angry with me and it caused her a lot of anguish.  She said she would never have married me if she had known.

    She says she accepts the explanations I have given her, that I have a very strong feminine side and that’s why I like to dress. But she doesn’t want to be involved, or see me dressed, and we never talk about it.   But it’s like the elephant in the corner of the room. Relationship wise we are getting on fine, she says she loves me and we hug and kiss etc.  So on the surface things seem to be slowly improving, she seems to have come to terms with the situation. Its not a deal breaker.

    I have accepted that I am  transgender or at least bi gender, and my basic personality is (and always has been ) more feminine than masculine.  I want to explain this to her, and reassure her that it is no threat to her or us.   This is all leading on to why I feel the need to wear feminine clothes.

    And there is the problem. I just can’t get the words together without it sounding like self justification.  In my head  it comes over as a fetish or a compulsion or addiction that I can’t control.

    “Why can’t you just be happy with yourself and internalise  being feminine? I have no problem with that. But why do you have to dress in women’s clothes?  You know I don’t like it.”

    What can I say that conveys that to be my feminine self I need to experience, to some degree, what it physically feels like to be a woman. To see my internal self in a mirror.  To be able to go out into the world and breathe fresh air and be accepted as a woman?    To live(albeit very briefly) as a woman.

    As a GG does this resonate with you, be acceptable to you, enable you to be more understanding of why we are the way we are?  Can you suggest anything I can say that my wife might find reassuring?

    Does my explanation trigger an emotional understanding in you?  Or do you see it as just self justification?        Any suggestions, positive or negative,  will be gratefully received, and help me move on to be more open about our relationship.

    Stephanie P

     

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    • #384598
      Honey T
      Participant
      Registered On: October 19, 2019
      Topics: 1
      Replies: 34
      Has thanked: 12 times
      Been thanked: 105 times

      Have you asked & addressed here biggest fears or dislikes? Have you both been able to communicate your innermost desires? I imagine you’ve taken several years to have an understanding & acceptance of being different from the average fella, it takes us time to re examine all that we thought about our relationship to see what this new disclosure means to us. We begin by thinking if we accept it it might explode & evolve into a totally different relationship & that can be scary. There’s hope that if we pretend it’s not there, it might just go away for real. Haha…
      Keep the lines openn& make sure she’s telling you the whole truth even if it’s not pleasant. …. you can’t make progress without brutal honesty.

      4 users thanked author for this post.
    • #384586
      Focus And Sunshine
      Participant
      Registered On: April 2, 2020
      Topics: 6
      Replies: 38
      Has thanked: 46 times
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      ‘My motivation is simply to have her understand a little more what it is like to be me. So that she is a little more accepting, and if she finds something lying around (and I have an unfortunate habit of that happening), it doesn’t cause her more anguish.’

      Just quoting this as it’s quite interesting (to me).

      You’ve written a number of statements about your motivation:
      * to have her understand a little more
      * so that she is a little more accepting
      * so that she isn’t upset by finding things lying around.

      In your mind, you’ve linked all of these things and I’m guessing they all follow on from each other and go together for you?

      That’s actually quite a lot of different things there you’ve put all together…

      I’ll unpick them to be more specific.

      You can explain things to her, but she might never understand what it’s like. And she might never accept it either. So you can explain is all to the best of your ability, but her reaction is outwith your control. Do you see what I mean?

      Similarly, you can have explained things, and in your mind you can therefore leave things lying around without being too worried about it, but she might still be upset by coming across these things.

      So, what to do? I honestly don’t know. I think just explaining things as best as you can, honestly and very openly, including the reasons why you’d not said anything.

      I think one of the most valuable things a person can do is ask to try and understand where the other person is at. How they feel, what they are thinking, what they are comfortable with. Not with the intention of manipulating that, but with the intention of understanding. And with understanding comes empathy…

      But she might not want to say anything back. It’s the risk you take unfortunately.

      If she doesn’t want to talk about it, or if she’s saying things you don’t want to hear, then it’s unfortunately one of the consequences of having been open and honest. And you absolutely must respect that (speaking as someone who has had their boundaries trampled over quite badly in my past relationships).

      But I’d much prefer those sorts of conversations (open, honest, direct, no games) than any other sorts (including sweeping things under the carpet). It’s just a more adult way of behaving and everyone knows where they stand.

      4 users thanked author for this post.
    • #383816
      Nicole Hansen
      Participant
      Registered On: September 3, 2020
      Topics: 1
      Replies: 10
      Has thanked: 9 times
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      Regarding her acceptance of your gay daughter, I think that is completely different. I am a huge advocate for LGBTQIA+ people, but when it comes to my husband, I cannot be around his female side or even think too much about his dressing without having a panic attack. You have to undderstand that she has to retain her romantic feelings for you and if she is a heterosexual female, she is not likely to be comfortable with that side of you. You made the choice to not tell her before you married her so unfortunately, these are the consequences. There is a real possibility that you could lose her if you do not take things at her pace. I am a testament to that fact because I don’t even believe in divorce and I considered it myself when my husband came out to me. You can get through this, but it’s going to be hard on both of you and you will both have to deal with being uncomfortable. I hate to sound harsh, but it’s true. My husband has started to really truly put me first. If I veto an idea he has it’s no questions asked and I return the favor by taking him shopping or letting him express himself during sexy times when I am in a better head space.

      • #383921
        stephanie plumb
        Participant
        Registered On: November 17, 2018
        Topics: 90
        Replies: 798
        Has thanked: 906 times
        Been thanked: 2758 times

        Thanks Nicole.  Your advice and insight is just what I need right now.

        I do make a conscious effort to be the man she married, and reinforce the good things about our relationship. Stephanie has definitely made me a more caring and intuitive person.  Has my wife noticed?  I am not sure. But she seems more relaxed with me these days.

        Stephanie would like a little more recognition and acceptance, but if the price I have to bear is keeping my wife comfortable, then so be it.  Stephanie will continue to live in the shadows and try not to make her presence felt.

        Thanks again for your advice

        Stephanie P

    • #383650
      stephanie plumb
      Participant
      Registered On: November 17, 2018
      Topics: 90
      Replies: 798
      Has thanked: 906 times
      Been thanked: 2758 times

      Thank you for your response.

      My motivation is simply to have her understand a little more what it is like to be me. So that she is a little more accepting, and if she finds something lying around (and I have an unfortunate habit of that happening), it doesn’t cause her more anguish.

      I do not want to dress in front of her.  That is one boundary I don’t think we will ever cross.  And I accept that condition.  Actually I don’t think I would even if she says it’s okay.  To start with I would be too embarrassed, and I know she would be uncomfortable.   No, Stephanie is ME time and I could only ever share her with my wife if she was 100% accepting – and talked me into it.  Which is very unlikely.

      What I would like however is to be Stephanie in private with a little more freedom, and for my wife to say it is okay with her as long as I am discreet, and just laugh it off if I leave something lying around.

      I am locked in my head. Stephanie would love to be accepted by her alter ego’s wife as another non threatening personality within the relationship.  Interestingly we have a gay daughter and my wife is completely okay with that, as am I.  Why then can’t she accept me as I am? I am still the same person she married.

      In other words I am just looking for a way for her to accept me as the femme person I am in addition to being her husband.

      I just need the words to allay her fears and encourage her to be more comfortable with me.

      Stephanie P

    • #383525
      Cath N.
      Participant
      Registered On: June 18, 2020
      Topics: 1
      Replies: 26
      Has thanked: 0 times
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      I am not sure what you are asking, to be honest. Your wife knows you dress and is accepting but just doesn’t want to see it or talk about it. I think it’s quite simple. What’s your end game to trying to force a conversation through? Do you want to dress in front of her? If she has told you she doesn’t want that, you have your answer. I think your motivation is important so be clear in your head in what you are trying to achieve by initiating a conversation with someone who has told you doesn’t want that. Once you have that firmly in your head, you can approach her with your request. She can think about it and come back to you. I believe in clear talking without any mind games but you wife might prefer dancing around an issue that makes her uncomfortable. So depends, really. I am saying that because if my husband came to me and tried a long-winded way to tell me something, my reply would have been “what do you want?”

      So my question basically is, what do you want from her?

      3 users thanked author for this post.
      • #383652
        stephanie plumb
        Participant
        Registered On: November 17, 2018
        Topics: 90
        Replies: 798
        Has thanked: 906 times
        Been thanked: 2758 times

        Dohhh!  Please see my reply above which was meant to address you directly .

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