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I feel like I have been so depressed lately. I started going to therapy two weeks ago and have felt great after leaving each session. I feel like I’ve opened up about more about my inner most secrets then I have ever told anybody, my wife included. But at the same time, I feel like there is this massive ball in the pit of my stomach because I know I need to open up to my wife and tell her about what’s been going on, I just can’t bring myself to tell her. Last week, we had a close call when she found a book about crossdressing on my kindle, but I lied to her (badly) and told her that I got it because it was the only thing on my monthly list of free books that wasn’t boring looking. She dropped the topic after that, but I know the story was terrible and she probably suspects. Second incident came this past Tuesday, we were rearranging our bedroom and she asked me what was in the big duffel bag on the closet floor, I said it was just a bunch of random stuff. She didn’t pry for further clarification, but the next day, I know she had moved a few things in the closet while I was at work, so I half suspect that she may have peaked and just hasn’t had the guts herself to confront me.
Finally, I have been really down about my weight, more so then usual. I ordered a few things over the last few weeks and a bunch of them don’t fit. They are currently sitting in the trunk of my car because I haven’t had the free time to stop at the post office and ship them back to the store. Which means I have to avoid using my trunk when I’m with my wife. Third reason why she likely suspects something, we went to Target after cleaning up the bedroom and she wanted to put everything in the trunk but I insisted on just shoving it all in the backseat.
I’ve been spending some time at work doing research on weight loss surgery. I have really good benefits, and apparently, I might have good coverage for lap-band, but I would prefer to do something less invasive like the newer Belly Balloon, which isn’t covered just yet. I have heard mostly good things about lap-band, only negative was from one friend who currently has it who says that it can be painful, and she frequently gets nauseous while eating even after only a few bites. She’s holding off to have it removed because apparently insurance won’t cover the removal if you have it out before a certain length of time. I have a pretty high pain tolerance, so once I finish my research and meet with a doctor or two, I’ll see if it’s worth the chance.
I’m sick of being over 300 pounds, I’m sick of spending money on diet programs that I can’t keep up with, I’m sick of spending money on a gym membership that I don’t use. I’m sick of living this lie, pretending to be who everyone expects me to be. I guess, most of all, I’m sick of being “Craig.”
My wife is depressed because our financial situation is terrible. We can barely seem to save any money, we’re miserable living back in my parents basement and our sex life is terrible. She thinks the lack of sex is because we have very little alone time living there, I know that it’s because I don’t enjoy it anymore. I’m not as attracted to her as I once was, but the last few weeks, I just haven’t been able to “get it up.” I’m not sure if this has to do with my progressing feelings about my gender identity or if it’s about the attraction. Before this got so serious, I was at least able to close my eyes and think of somebody else and get going. But lately, I just have no desire to have sex, or even to go at it alone.
I just don’t know what to do anymore. I need to make changes in my life and finally have the conversations that just can’t be hidden much longer. Sorry for such a long post, I desperately needed to vent.
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