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I feel like I have been so depressed lately. I started going to therapy two weeks ago and have felt great after leaving each session. I feel like I’ve opened up about more about my inner most secrets then I have ever told anybody, my wife included. But at the same time, I feel like there is this massive ball in the pit of my stomach because I know I need to open up to my wife and tell her about what’s been going on, I just can’t bring myself to tell her. Last week, we had a close call when she found a book about crossdressing on my kindle, but I lied to her (badly) and told her that I got it because it was the only thing on my monthly list of free books that wasn’t boring looking. She dropped the topic after that, but I know the story was terrible and she probably suspects. Second incident came this past Tuesday, we were rearranging our bedroom and she asked me what was in the big duffel bag on the closet floor, I said it was just a bunch of random stuff. She didn’t pry for further clarification, but the next day, I know she had moved a few things in the closet while I was at work, so I half suspect that she may have peaked and just hasn’t had the guts herself to confront me.
Finally, I have been really down about my weight, more so then usual. I ordered a few things over the last few weeks and a bunch of them don’t fit. They are currently sitting in the trunk of my car because I haven’t had the free time to stop at the post office and ship them back to the store. Which means I have to avoid using my trunk when I’m with my wife. Third reason why she likely suspects something, we went to Target after cleaning up the bedroom and she wanted to put everything in the trunk but I insisted on just shoving it all in the backseat.
I’ve been spending some time at work doing research on weight loss surgery. I have really good benefits, and apparently, I might have good coverage for lap-band, but I would prefer to do something less invasive like the newer Belly Balloon, which isn’t covered just yet. I have heard mostly good things about lap-band, only negative was from one friend who currently has it who says that it can be painful, and she frequently gets nauseous while eating even after only a few bites. She’s holding off to have it removed because apparently insurance won’t cover the removal if you have it out before a certain length of time. I have a pretty high pain tolerance, so once I finish my research and meet with a doctor or two, I’ll see if it’s worth the chance.
I’m sick of being over 300 pounds, I’m sick of spending money on diet programs that I can’t keep up with, I’m sick of spending money on a gym membership that I don’t use. I’m sick of living this lie, pretending to be who everyone expects me to be. I guess, most of all, I’m sick of being “Craig.”
My wife is depressed because our financial situation is terrible. We can barely seem to save any money, we’re miserable living back in my parents basement and our sex life is terrible. She thinks the lack of sex is because we have very little alone time living there, I know that it’s because I don’t enjoy it anymore. I’m not as attracted to her as I once was, but the last few weeks, I just haven’t been able to “get it up.” I’m not sure if this has to do with my progressing feelings about my gender identity or if it’s about the attraction. Before this got so serious, I was at least able to close my eyes and think of somebody else and get going. But lately, I just have no desire to have sex, or even to go at it alone.
I just don’t know what to do anymore. I need to make changes in my life and finally have the conversations that just can’t be hidden much longer. Sorry for such a long post, I desperately needed to vent.
I’m so sorry to hear you’re hurting so badly, Crystal. *HUG*
Hopefully venting helps you let it go, at least a little bit. I’m glad you’re seeing a therapist; if you weren’t, that would be my primary suggestion to you.
Telling my wife was pretty easy for me. Telling my kids, though, was difficult. So I can identify with the struggles you’re going through. Do you have any indication how your wife might feel, based on how she generally talks about things such as marriage equality or other similar topics?
Weight loss is hard. If it were easy, there wouldn’t be so many fad diets and so much predatory (in my opinion, at least) marketing around weight loss plans such as Weight Watchers, NutraSystem, etc. I have a friend who had gastric bypass. She felt miserable for a while afterward, as expected. But she lost a ton of weight. Unfortunately, though, she then put a lot back on. So while you’re doing your research on surgical options, make sure you include finding information about long-term success rates. When my friend dropped 100 or so pounds, I’m sure both she and her doctor considered her surgery a success. But now, years later, she’s put 50 or so back on, I’m not so sure if it’s still a success story or not. So make sure you’re looking into that aspect as well.
Getting into an exercise routine is tough, too. I hate gyms; it’s boring as hell. My general advice along these lines is to start by walking. It’s easier than it sounds. When you go to the store or work, don’t park in the spot closest to the door; park near the end of the lot. At work when you need to go to the bathroom, don’t go to the nearest one; go to the furthest one. It’s not a lot, of course. But small changes that add a few steps can add up over the course of a day.
I don’t want to go on too much longer, but I do want to also offer some words of advice as far as your intimacy issue. First, just about every guy has that problem sometimes. Second, it can be a vicious cycle; once you have the problem, worrying you’ll have it again can become a self-fulfilling thing. Stress can have a huge impact on a lot of aspects in your life, including that. It’s easier said than done, but the less you and your wife worry about that specific problem, the better off you’ll be long-term. If your wife is interested in intimacy, and you’re not completely turned off by the thought of being with her, there are other options for you to pursue in the moment. I’m sure you can piece them together on your own without my help. Last, don’t hesitate to talk to your doctor – whether the therapist or actual family doctor – about the issue. There are some underlying medical issues that can cause ED, some of them pretty severe. If your doctor isn’t concerned about those, meds work well enough for most people who try them. (Full disclosure, that may fall into the TMI category: I have ED issues as a side effect of other medication I take. I’ve tried Viagra, but not Cialis. Viagra does work for me, but I don’t like the lack of spontaneity. If you’re unaware of how it works, all the old jokes aside, effectively you need to take Viagra 45 minutes to an hour before having sex. Cialis does have a “daily use” version, but I’ve not tried it so can’t comment on it.)
Please take care of yourself. Continue to see your therapist and work with him/her on all these issues. Please talk to your family doctor about the medical issues – the weight loss, the ED, whatever else is going on. Please try and increase your walking with some simple changes. You’re carrying around an incredible burden at the moment, on top of all the other stress from the financial troubles and such. It’s moments like what you’re in when it’s hardest to take care of ourselves. Please make sure you continues to do so.
*HUG*
Thanks Rose,
I have a lot of work to do, and hopefully the first steps will go easily. Trying to make those baby steps to really begin this journey of change and self-discovery, but it feels more like I need to take moon leaps. Thanks for the advice, it really means a lot. I’ll of course keep updates as things progress.
I recently started a blog as well, hopefully that helps.
Sorry to hear that you’re feeling this way, and from the way you describe it, you feel like you are carrying all of these problems around in an unhealthy way. It’s good to hear that you are speaking to someone about it, and they have probably suggested this already, but feeling good about who you are in your own skin, is a huge step to feeling good overall. There has to be a certain amount of acceptance and ownership that you took yourself to where you are now – As well as the confirmation that YOU CAN do something about it. Step by step, small lifestyle changes can make a big difference in the long run. You don’t have to go from where you are now, to your target size overnight,(It just doesn’t work like that) but there is no reason why you can’t make simple, easy to implement choices in the beginning that will lead you towards the path that you’d like to be on. Obviously I don’t know you personally enough to have the right answer for you, but making the easy, costless changes to your lifestyle first (meal choices?(cutting out fast food, cutting out zero foods – sugary/salty snacks, eating more fruits and veggies), walking?, yoga?, biking? swimming? Do what you enjoy, and try to make yourself think positively about the choices you make, and Do Not punish yourself for the occasional deviation from the routine. (Just be mindful of the consequences and think about making up for it to yourself in some way later on -walking a bit farther/ eating a bit healthier an extra time?)
Keep it simple and remember that you are worth it. No matter how small the step to the path you want to get to, every step is a step closer. For most people, the more small steps they make, the bigger the steps become in the future, but without the small steps at the start, they would never have made it to the bigger steps that they strive for. And no matter how slow the progress in the beginning, I’m sure that like most people, a little bit of success will go to your head and make you happier, celebrating each small step of your success towards your goal.
As far as your wife goes… I’d be surprised if she hadn’t gone through the bag of clothes. She may have already gone through it, and asked you about to see if you’d be honest with her. (I’ve dated a lot of smart women who are sly enough to test me in this way) In my opinion, you can’t have a good relationship without honest communication. She deserves to know how her husband feels about himself, and about her. And she may be worrying herself over what she’s see in the bag and not know how to approach you over it.- Right? You might be doing both of you a favor by “letting the Cat-suit out of the bag” [I luv puns 😉 ]If she is OK with the whole thing, then you’ve been worrying yourself over this for nothing, and she may end up being your strongest ally in your journey forward. If she is not interested in it at all, well that’s her choice to make and you kind of have to live with that. Either way, this serious situation gets resolved and you don’t have to be saddled/burdened with it any longer.
*Again, just my opinion, so if some of this is helpful and some of it is not, just take out the part that you don’t need, and read it over again. 🙂
Best Wishes, Daeyton
Hi Crystal, it’s been a couple of days since your post, I hope you’re feeling better. Depression is a terrible thing, it can destroy our lives from the inside out. Please continue seeking help, no one should bear it alone.
Hiding yourself from your wife certainly doesn’t help matters. I told my wife about my cross dressing years ago, she doesn’t like it and we play out of sight out of mind, but she knows. Recently we had a new conversation, I needed to remind her. This did not go well, but she knows.
Remember that it took you years to put on the weight you have, so expect it to take time to get off. I have to watch my carbs, control the carbs and I can control my weight. I weigh more than I’d like ( my body shape is best described as “pumpkin”) but I’m constant. Rose is right little steps can help a lot. Try yoga, I practice and I enjoy it. There are lots of online home practice videos that you can try.
I hope I haven’t sounded preachy, not my intention. Your post made me feel so sad, I just want to help. I hope I have, a little, maybe.
HUGS, Jillian
Yoga is a good choice. It’ll also help your flexibility. If you have a Nintendo Wii (or are willing to get one), it has a great yoga program as part of the fitness “game.” The pad you stand on ups the price a little bit, of course. But it uses that plus the other sensors to ensure you’re doing the pose correctly – checking your balance and weight distribution, and so on. That has other games, too, that will give you something different to do.
And, following up on something else Jillian said… I sent you a PM yesterday to check up on you. And I’ll try to do so every few days. Because depression is a bitch and it’s really good at making us feel isolated and alone. And so it’s important for you to get some friendly reminders that you’re not.
I hope you’re hanging in there. You’re not alone, even though Depression wants you to think you are. Please drop me a PM anytime you need to talk to somebody. And if you think you’re doing really bad, let me know and I’ll give you my cell phone number just so you have somebody to reach out to. Your therapist may also have options for you in those sorts of situations.
Hi everyone,
Thank you so much for all of the support. I’ve been ok, up and down a bit, things have been hectic at home and it seems like everything is out to get in the way of having the conversations that need to be had, but I will definitely be doing it soon.
I’m actually planning on starting yoga soon, I did it a few years ago and it helped a lot but my schedule got in the way of me keeping up with the program and I gained all the weight back. I need to figure out how to reorganize my living room so that I have room to work out at home, I have a great dvd set, I just can’t maneuver in my area right now.
I’m very glad to hear you’re feeling better. You sounded really, really down there. Don’t sweat the conversation though, when the time is right you’ll know it. Until then focus on what you need to do to feel better about yourself
HUGS, Jillian
Hi Crystal,
I had replied to your post a while back but I don’t see my post here.
I’m sorry you are going through rough times, but I’m also glad you are talking steps to remedy the problems. Me and at least one other local girl is willing to help and support you in our own little way.
We spoke of that on the chat with you a while back and followed that up with a conversation about that at a Femme Fever meetup. There’s a lot of friendly and supportive girls here on Long Island. I hope you will reach out to us when you feel it’s time.
Patty
I kept my secret from my fiance for a long time. She started noticing when I mentioned I was into certain things and started losing interest with her. The worst part about it was me, being vain, and telling her about my fashion preferences. I had hoped that it would make her want to adopt those things into her own style, but all it did was make her feel horrible because she now felt she wasn’t able to satisfy me. Being indirect made things worse, if I learned nothing else about that.
Being honest with her was the first step, and I’m so lucky she eventually became supportive. But I had to fight for that! She wasn’t into it at first; we would dress up so she could satisfy my sexual fantasies, but she hated that. And I hated that it was only allowed for that purpose. We’ve talked, we’ve cried, we argued and even threatened to separate. Now, she supports my happiness and we try to incorporate it regularly with compromises. I get my days as Andi with an I, she gets her days as Andy with a Y. I don’t force her to accept me as a pretty girl all the time, but we’re still growing in all of this. There’s still a lot of ground to cover. And she’s gone from a person who broke down at the thought of losing me to someone who actually has fun going out with me.
And don’t stress about online shopping, least of all about that. Clothing on the internet doesn’t always follow the same measurements. I mean, even different outlets don’t follow the same measurements. We went to Lane Bryant once and tried on two 44Cs, one fit and the other didn’t. SAME STORE. You can’t exactly try on a cute skirt on the checkout page!
But you have a lot going on with your life, more than anyone should have to deal with. But you’re talking to a doctor, that’s fantastic! And I understand financial stress; I work two jobs and 3/4ths of my paycheck go to rent, student loans, credit card payments… we haven’t been able to put something into savings in months. But we have a long term plan to settle everything, and that’s a light at the end of a very dark tunnel. You just have to keep the end goal in mind. Reward yourself for your struggles. But be fair about it too. You can’t keep hiding something like this from your wife. You can’t honestly expect she has no suspicions about the book, the trunk, the bag? The less you feel like you have to hide things, the more liberating it’ll feel.
And she’ll never accept it if she feels you’re lying to her.
Glad to hear that you’re doing some better. From the sounds of it you have quite a bit going on as others have said. When you have so much going on at one time, we sometimes have to look at the very small positives so that we can make bigger gains – hence your approach to getting help, doing yoga and just improving your perspective is a really huge thing. Depression is not easy – but I applaud the fact you are seeing some daylight. That’s huge! Just know that a lot of us know what some of what you’re going through feels like and you’re not alone. We got you!
*hugs*
Belle
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