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Hi everyone. Now i wanted to broach a serious topic just for a change. Many of us suffer from it, many of us dont know where to turn, many of us do not like talking about it. I am talking about depression.
I myself have suffered from it over the years (yes even i get depressed). If you do suffer from it and do not mind sharing your experience with it, what is your coping strategy? How have you managed to deal with it? Did you seek help from a Doctor or counsellor? or did you just suffer in silence and hope it would right itself?
For many of us here, i am guessing that due to Gender issues that many of us are depressed with our situations, not counting of course other problems affecting us all on a daily basis. One thing i will say though is do not be ashamed, depression is not something that makes you lesser of a person, it does not make you a weak person either. Some of the strongest minded people in the world suffer from it and no one is infalliable.
Please do not suffer in silence like i did for many years, seek help and start enjoying life again.
Fiona xx
Hi Fiona. Yes a serious topic for sure and as you know depression will suck the life out of you putting you in a very dark pit. Not sure how many girls want to discuss such a heavy topic but I envy the ones who say they never get depressed or hardly ever. We are all different for sure.
When I was young I went through serious bouts of depression on a regular cycle. Being a frustrated CD without any outlet what so ever on top of life happenings was almost too much sometimes. I was a loner and never got help and wasn’t a very nice person to be around. To offset my dark thoughts I self medicated and took many chances with a death wish hoping my pain would be resolved at last. But I was lucky and I struggled through some trying times doing some things for all the wrong reasons. Overcompensating masculinity was one of those things but Lady luck was with me so I’m here today thank goodness.
Its strange I can’t put my finger on any certain event but as I grew older my depression began to fade. Less depressed less often. For a while I was on prescribed medication but it had side effects I didn’t like so eventually I stopped. I just gave up to the world come what may. I do know that when I came out to the wife it was a huge mental burden lifted from my shoulders. A weight carried all my life in silence had been shed come what may. It took a while but now the wife is accepting enough and I can live life every day expressing my feminine side. I feel more whole and at peace than ever before and I have all my sisters here for inspiration. Thank all of you girls.
Yes Fiona, it is a serious topic but not one we should hide from. I feel very lucky that I do not suffer from it but my SO does. So I’ve lived very close to it for many years and I agree it’s nothing to be ashamed of and if you do suffer you should ask for help and not feel any guilt for doing so. I hope anyone out there reading this and is suffering does just that.
I’m no expert, so can only recount my own personal experiences (whether they’re classed as depression or not). What I have found is that it can have a physical response, and isn’t just about thoughts or feeling low.
I find I can’t focus on things properly and try to do too many things at once which ultimately means I can’t relax. At the same time, I can also suffer from terrible lethargy. In some ways, this almost sounds like some form of ADHD, and I’ve often wondered whether I have something like that although I’ve never been diagnosed or anything.
Interestingly for me, I suffered a bout of bullying when I was about 10 and used cross dressing as a way of retreating from the outside world. It wasn’t the cause of how I started, but it certainly acted as a kind of comfort blanket when I was younger. To this day, if I have some time alone, I will use my cross dressing as a kind of relief if I am feeling down (although, of course, this isn’t the only reason why I do it).
Katie D
Katie, have yourself tested for ADD. You’ve got two of the most common symptoms like me, plannutoo much and not completeing task, can’t focus and get distracted easily, jump from one thing to another without finishing first chore, impulsiveness, losing things or where you put them like your wallet or keys or phone. Having little patience around boring people who talk a lot that don’t interest you and a dozen other things. Ask your PC doctor to refer you to a psychologist or psychiatrist for a battery if ADD testing- it takes 3 hours 🫢
I haven’t and probably should. It would might explain a few things, but there is such a negative connotation about describing that you have it (in the UK at least), that I’m not sure what it would achieve ultimately – especially as I can kind of work around it.
I find it manifests itself more if I am doing something I’m not totally into, which obviously describes most of us at some point, but at the same time, if I am really into something, I can lose myself into it and before I know it hours have passed.
Thanks for your reply.
Katie D
Katie, not even one month since joining CDH and you scribe your situation as if you were talking with us/ someone in comfortable chairs. Welcome.Thank you.
Have you ever read and begun answering any of the many, internet based, self-report behavioral health assessments? They don’t replace a competent clinician’s diagnosis, of course. Perhaps a UK government site or non- profit organization has links and summaries.
You’re quite right about the physical aspects of depression. Biochemical changes, in the wrong direction. Significant to severe tiredness, sleep problems, concentration and decision deficits, appetite variations. A flat facial appearance. These are some.
Attention Deficit issues without hyperactivity? Thinking now about your trying to do too many things at once and completing few to none. So, at your next physical exam (soon) do describe to your health care provider what you’ve commented here and more concerns that come to mind (write them in your device or on paper👌). She or he will ask standard questions for initial conclusions, diagnoses referrals,medication.
CDH memberladies care ❤️
I haven’t, but like I’ve said below, I probably should.
Whilst most doctors are supportive in this country, employers pay only lip service. They all talk about helping people with mental health conditions, but the reality is somewhat different. And then, of course, there are attitudes from certain areas of the population which you probably know and I don’t need to go into.
Thanks for your reply.
Katie D
Hi Katie, all i can say is, if it becomes a problem, seek help. Depression can manifest itself in different ways with a whole plethora of symptoms. Sending hugs xx
Fiona xx
Count me in as one of ‘those people’👍
So here’ s my diagnosis and prognosis 25 years ago. Bipolar 2, depression, anxiety, I.E.D.( intermittent explosive disorder) severe Adult A.D.D. (no ‘H’) , S.A.D.S. ( seasonal affective disorders)- being a transvestite and to top it all off I’m freaking Color Blind🫢🥺( and went to art college and had a 30 year career as a commercial artist.
. Been under medical medication management with doc, quarterly. , and have never needed long term therapy or consultation, never Psychotherapy inpatient in hospital
So I’m a mess but I’ve learned to adapt and accept. Didn’t ask for any of this, inherited it- but I have many other unique gifts and talents I share with others
im doing just fine 🙏👍
What an upbeat closing:
“I’m doing just fine…”
Adapting, accepting, managing with doc your medications. Six diagnoses and make it seven: color blind.!. How did you adapt and succeed in your long commercial art career?Respect and admiration🌹.
Connie, simple formula!
Guts, perseverance, and telling myself “YES I CAN” ( a title lifted from Sammy Davis jr. autobiography)
You have two choices , move on with psychological help and maintenance meds, or just give up, shrivel yourself in a ball in some corner of a State mental hospital and choose to act catatonic … and die!.
My first psychiatrist of 18 years before he retired told me more than once ‘I’m so proud of you, I don’t view you any more as a patient because you don’t act like one… but a friend. End game my wife is a certified Peer Specialist with our Mental Health Association, and my daughter is a Psych Nurse Practitioner who opened her own office in September and now has over 150 patients.
Being mentally Ill is a sestet to my family
end of story
It is a tough topic and many reasons for it. Without going into the why’s and wherefore the most basic thing to do is to tell someone about it, carrying the burden will effect your life no matter how good you are at hiding it. I can only cite my experience as I looked back over time before I had an almighty crash.
I had issues that I coped with over the years, or so I thought. A couple of events over a period of a couple of years started to change things and added more pressure and the signs were there. Anxiety attacks which stopped me in my tracks. I would be going somewhere to a location I know well and suddenly I couldn’t go on I had to turn the car around and go home, the furthest I was away was over 100 miles with 20 to go to the destination, I couldn’t go on. This began to occur more and one day I had an episode at work and went home, I didn’t get that far as I had to stop at a friends house and they called an ambulance where the hospital did all sorts of tests and I was medically fit, but mental health wasn’t mentioned. I carried on until one day I crashed and burned.
I then saw therapists and chose not to take medication. In therapy I went through the events and was asked why I didn’t I go to get help earlier as it was clear I had seen the signs. I have got through it with some great therapy but still have a trace of anxiety but something I did helps me manage things.
Have you heard the expression’Life is a treadmill’, day to day things we do. Now I worked out life is not one but many, work, family, crossdressing as a base. At any time another may start up say financial issues, family issues and so it goes on building a pressure. Added to that , like any treadmills you can increase the gradient which equates to an increase of pressure. It became clear that I had a lot of treadmills and most were really high. I had anxiety, depression so drank more, smoked more as stress increased. Not good coping mechanisms along with inner rage, it wasn’t going well. I had to bring the gradients down and that’s what I did. I am now mindful of the treadmills and keep them monitored so if pressure increases I take steps to bring them down. I know that I could have conditions such as PTSD but declined to have them tested as at my age, it can’t change things. I did give up smoking and hardly drink a drop now and manage quite well. I will add that crossdressing wasn’t a factor as it was a not a real issue along with a hobby, it was everything else that tipped the balance.
As said at the start whatever you do when you start to feel something is wrong – tell someone as it isn’t anything to be ashamed of.
PTSD here. Living where I do, deep in the woods, helps a lot.Don’t need to be social if I’m not up for it. On the other hand, a trip to the local grocery, postoffice, etc is but 5 minutes away if I want to see familiar faces.
Yes, I suffered from rather a few periods of severe depression. Fortunately, I was able to get professional help, coupling medication with therapy, and I emerged over time.
The important message is that help is available and it is effective.
I definitely get depressed sometimes and when I do I have my boyfriend and parents to lean on as well as a therapist. Parents & therapist don’t know I dress, and dressing isn’t an issue for me in terms of the depression. I have other issues which I discuss with them and they are very helpful in that regard.
Fiona –
I agree that this is a serious topic that is not discussed enough. Thank you for addressing it.
I finally came to realize in the last few years that I have been depressed most of my life. Growing up I was bullied and was a loner as a result. I never seemed to fit in anywhere though I did try. Part of the problem with that is that I questioned who I was and felt funny talking with anyone about it. I grew up keeping secrets about my feelings which made it hard to be friends with anyone for fear of sharing something that would add to the bullying. At about the age of 12 I started to wear my mothers clothes I think as an escape. That didn’t last for long out of fear of being caught. When I came out to my wife a few years ago she suggested therapy, not to stop me from dressing but to understand why. Since starting therapy I have been working on these issues as well as others. There are many times I have said I wish I knew some of the things I’m learning now back then as I think my life would have been different. Unfortunately the hands of time can’t be turned back, however, I can use what I am learning to move forward. I don’t need to feel shame or guilt anymore and can accept myself for who I am. That doesn’t mean I need to stand on the mountain top and declare it to everyone. Being able to admit it to myself and accept it is enough, there is no longer a need to hide from myself.
I hope others that suffer from depression are able to get the help they need to dope with it.
XOXO
SuzanneHi Suzanne and thanks for sharing your story. You are spot on, Depression is not discussed enough even though it affects many people at some time of their lives. It doesnt matter how strong you think you are because it can affect anyone. In some respects i am glad that Mental health is not a taboo subject anymore although that said, there are still those people out there that say ‘oh just pull yourself together’. Anyone that has suffered from depression knows full well that this is the worst thing to say to anyone because for most, they have already reached their limits and this is when their wall comes tumbling down.
You know Suzanne, your story in a lot of ways mimics mine. I was bullied, i didnt make friends easily because i always had my guard up. I couldnt talk to anyone about it because i felt i was a burden and i didnt want to spoil someone elses day. I guess pride played a part too…..
Fiona xx
Suzanne,
Just read your post and I can relate to the bullying aspect. I know it doesn’t apply to everyone, but when I was young there was definitely an element of escapism in wearing my mum’s things as well – and this was in the days before the internet.
Even just small things that happen when you are a child can have a life-long impact depending on the circumstances. I’m glad that you’re moving on and are at least comfortable with it within yourself.
Katie D
Katie –
Thank you for your reply, your kind words are much appreciated. It is true that small things can make a big difference throughout our lives.
I hope that you have also been able to move on and feel comfortable with who you are. The support we receive from each other here is a great help in being able to do so.
XOXO
Suzanne
I struggled with depression and anxiety most of my life, from early childhood on. I was diagnosed with monopolar depression, often called dysthymia. I used to joke that some mania would be nice to break up the monotony of depression. I’ve been on nearly all of main SSRIs at one point or another, and none of them worked very well. I did five years of therapy which was helpful in getting to a place of acceptance, that I was just going to have to deal with it forever. Fast forward a few years to a divorce, a new love, and a new career, and I haven’t had a depressive episode since and my anxiety isn’t hardly worth talking about. Having a life where I’m free (and supported) to be all I am has made all the difference.
Looking back on it now, I realize that my mental health challenges were driven in no small part by my sense that I was different from everyone I knew and was terrified, both of the difference itself and the fear that I would be discovered, rejected, ridiculed, or attacked even though I wasn’t really clear on what that difference was. Life is so much better now!
xo, Nikki
Hi Everyone. Just as a follow up answer, First i want to say i am proud of you all for having the confidence to share your stories. I was having second thoughts about posting such a topic but i considered that it is real, it affects a lot of people (me included) and people are reluctant to admit it.
Sharing your stories definately helps and gives others hope although that said, i can fully understand people not wanting to participate because of anonymity and digging up traumatic past experiences.
What is important is no matter where you are, if you are just reading this or a participant, you are not alone. If this topic helps just One person then i will consider it has done its job.
Sending you all love and a huge thankyou to all of you for sharing your stories so far and also anyone reading this too.
Fiona xx
While I do not experience depression issues, I do have PTSD ( after being involved in an Airport shooting) along with self esteem (due to my cross dressing of not fitting in) and anxiety.
The self esteem issues in my opinion are due to that while I loved dressing, and it seemed to better fit my body ( I was small sized as a kid) I did not really participate in sports and was not as rough/tuff as other boys. Bing in girl mode seemed a better fit to me.
I have being seeing a counselor for the past 5 years, she has helped me accept that my dressing is part of who I am, but does not need to define who or what I am
Yes Fiona,
I do suffer from depression to some extent but have always been able to shake it off. I tell myself I have too many people counting on me to fail, it keeps me going and keeps AnnaBeth in the closet. I often wonder what would I do if I were alone and no one counted on me, what would AnnaBeth do?
I do appreciate all the girls here a CDH, thanks for listening.I had a severe breakdown a few years or so back. I had a “horrible person” in my life who stalked me even to the extent of watching me on CCTV. It went on for years and after I lost all hope of legal recourse, I ended up in a mental health facility for almost a month.
It had a lot to do with myself and SO moving house to come back to the City.
I’m fine now, but only to the extent that even minor amounts of stress just destroys my sleep patterns.
Naturally… escaping into “the World of Caty” is a great “sidetracker”. Daily underdressing and sleeping femme every night is a big help, but until I have the chance to go “full on Caty”, I can still have problems. Mostly at night with sleeping.
The full on usually only happens about once every six weeks, so I guess I’m a lot luckier than others with this problem. So I just do my best to live a full and happy life.
Caty.
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