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    • #409510
      Rachel Williams
      Participant
      Registered On: June 16, 2019
      Topics: 2
      Replies: 174
      Has thanked: 416 times
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      Lexie, we want you to get that word “deviant” out of your head.  That you are not, sweetie.  You are beautiful and caring & don’t let anyone tell you different.

      Tight hugs,

      Rachel

      1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #409504
      Regine Rich
      Participant
      Registered On: October 9, 2020
      Topics: 11
      Replies: 179
      Has thanked: 1764 times
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      I am truly sorry, Lexi, my heart just breaks each and every time I read a post like yours.
      We are all here for you, darling, sisters to the end
      Hugs, Regi

      1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #409482
      Lily-Rose Nielsen
      Participant
      Registered On: November 2, 2020
      Topics: 3
      Replies: 28
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      My ex wife called me far worse things than deviant when she found out, and she is a nurse with sex counseling as speciality. LOL

      Love
      Lily-Rose

      1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #409394
      Lee Ann Rakers
      Participant
      Registered On: August 18, 2019
      Topics: 4
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      So sorry Lexie.

      Lee Ann

    • #409370
      rebekka moore
      Participant
      Registered On: January 7, 2017
      Topics: 77
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      Has thanked: 406 times
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      Very sorry, Lexie.

      Deviant you are not.  This is not so much a choice we make, but something we are driven to do.  Part of our genetic makeup.

      I fear my wife feels the same, which is why she rejects me where any intimacy is concerned.  We cannot change what they truly think or believe.  In my case I have to make a (hard) choice.  Continue to dress (in the manor I do) and give up all intimacy in our relationship, or stop the dressing and purge everything I have, and be a “man”.  I am not currently seen as a “man” in my wife’s eyes.

      That hurts.  You have to do what’s right for you, and that may involve succumbing to “societies” idea of being a “man”.

      Love, hugs and all the best to you.

      Rebecka

      5 users thanked author for this post.
    • #409362
      Rei Durden
      Participant
      Registered On: October 11, 2020
      Topics: 14
      Replies: 451
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      Lexie, I am so sorry that things are unsettled  right now.
      I won’t be the voice of doom here, a traditional marriage is made of 2 people and it takes both to make it a success or a failure. I always think of any communication as a positive sign, even the loud painful discussions. Silence however is cause for concern.

      You are not ‘deviant’ whatsoever, that’s been addressed here already backwards and forwards.
      I am really hoping this is just a bump in the road for you and your spouse, that you’ll look back on this time period as a challenge that was met and overcome, strengthening you both mentally and spiritually!

      Best wishes, Rei

      2 users thanked author for this post.
    • #409352
      patty williams
      Participant
      Registered On: January 19, 2019
      Topics: 62
      Replies: 1146
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      HI Lexie,

      I just wanted to weigh in on your experience and give you some support.

      You are not a deviant sweetie, those sounds like words of anger because you do not conform to the norm.

      I am sorry you are having these marital issues.

      My marriage too has been strained severely by my propensity to being feminine.

      However we have to be true to who we are.

      We think you are normal and beautiful so dont give up on yourself.

      Maybe one day she will see this

       

      Hugs Patty

      4 users thanked author for this post.
    • #409147
      Robyn Devine
      Participant
      Registered On: October 24, 2020
      Topics: 9
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      Lexie

      First off – deviant you are NOT!! Try and wash that from your thoughts, I know thats tough to do.

      I can speak from a very similar experience with my ex-wife.

      Whoever the person your committed to, in your case your wife, starts taking your vulnerabilities like cross dressing and turns them into a weapon to stab and hurt you…mmmm…its not a good sign to say the least.

      My EX-wife did it to me.  At that moment, our relationship was over because by weaponizing my dressing, she intentionally hurt me.  Also by doing that, she betrayed my trust.  Once trust is broken like that, its very hard to come back from.

      Good luck to you, stand tall and strong

      xo – Robyn

      4 users thanked author for this post.
    • #409143
      Bettylou Cox
      Participant
      Registered On: May 26, 2019
      Topics: 17
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      Some folks are quick to label any act which is atypical or “outside the box” as deviant; but it usually has a sexual connotation, as in gay or S&M.  We are Different, absolutely, but deviant? NO.  That was a deliberate insult, and I suspect it signals the end of your relationship.

      4 users thanked author for this post.
    • #409074
      Bobbi Sue
      Participant
      Registered On: September 15, 2020
      Topics: 12
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      Deviant…  That’s simply ex-wife talk.  It’s used to cast you, not her, as the marital problem.    Keep in mind if you do get divorced, court won’t care that you dress.

      And don’t be so quick to blame yourself.   I don’t know enough to absolve you of being part of the problem, but I guarantee it’s not all on you.

      4 users thanked author for this post.
    • #409068
      Lexie Trask
      Participant
      Registered On: August 9, 2020
      Topics: 6
      Replies: 59
      Has thanked: 74 times
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      Lexi:

      There are some therapists that are working online through Telehealth and other platforms. There may be someone in your area doing this…

      Yes! I have a therapist meeting on Monday via Skype.

      2 users thanked author for this post.
    • #409035
      Linda Rose Nygaard
      Participant
      Registered On: April 30, 2020
      Topics: 16
      Replies: 105
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      So if cross dressing is deviant behavior, then just exactly what are we deviating from? Bigotry and bigots are what we’re deviating from.

      5 users thanked author for this post.
      • #409051
        Sally Drinkwater
        Participant
        Registered On: July 15, 2019
        Topics: 15
        Replies: 227
        Has thanked: 47 times
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        Devient behaviour is not soley confined to kinky sex, wearing odd socks could be considered deviating from the norm.

        Reading the ideas and thoughts of some CDH members is definately abnormal but dressing as a woman is not one of them.

        5 users thanked author for this post.
    • #408998
      Grace Scarlett
      Participant
      Registered On: July 26, 2020
      Topics: 20
      Replies: 564
      Has thanked: 3213 times
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      Hi Lexie

      I am sorry your marriage is struggling….the fact you do have cdh as a place to confide and get advice is not just wonderful for you, but I’m sure it makes everyone here feel good too, that we can try to help you through!!…..

      What really does stand out for me in your post, is your place of work….wow, it must be a joy to go there each day…it’s amazing how a company can support its workers so well, and make your job a safe place to be…..yet when you leave each day, you enter a world that CAN be so different towards you…and us!!!

      Keep positive Lexie, grace ❤️

    • #408997
      Sa•man•tha
      Founder
      Registered On: January 21, 2018
      Topics: 304
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      Hey!  No deviants allowed on CDH!

      Since you’re here I can only assume you’re normal, Lexie ❤

      • #409348
        stephanie plumb
        Participant
        Registered On: November 17, 2018
        Topics: 96
        Replies: 888
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        Tsk! Tsk!   Sammy!   “All inclusive we are” – as Yoda would say.

        Steph 😁

        3 users thanked author for this post.
    • #408994
      Laura Lovett
      Participant
      Registered On: March 26, 2020
      Topics: 8
      Replies: 412
      Has thanked: 1151 times
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      Deviant suggests that there is a predefined template for human beings that we must all adhere to or be outcast.

      To quote Graham Chapman in Monty Python’s “Life of Brian”, You’re all individuals, you’ve all got to think for yourselves – you’re all different!”

      We’re all deviants, et viva la difference!

      Love Laura

    • #408955
      Lexie Trask
      Participant
      Registered On: August 9, 2020
      Topics: 6
      Replies: 59
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      Hopefully just words in the heart of the moment , not truly felt 😟😟

      Unfortunately, that is not the case in my situation. When I told my wife that I am a cross dresser, she didn’t really know what to say. We did have a rather heated argument, since at that time her and I were having many other issues. Although there were a couple of things that did get resolved that day, me being a CD, and som other serious issues between us are still there.

      Sometimes I feel more like a secondary support, rather than an equal in a marriage. Monday 11/23/2020, I have an appointment with a therapist.

      Around October of 2019, I came out at work as a cross dresser. The HR person that I was working with at the time, unbeknownst to me, had reached out to the corporate Director of EEO and Diversity. Well, the HR person and Pamela (the Director), had a phone discussion. Pamela was SO supportive and said that the company stands behind me. They are VERY involved in the LGBTQ community, and ask some very direct questions. Pamela actually flew out to our campus to give a presentation about me, but also that I am to be treated with respect and dignity. The company does not tolerate any type of derogatory behavior towards ANYONE, regardless of race, creed, religion or sexual identification! When I finally actually met Pamela in person, she was AWESOME! She brought along a therapist to introduce to me, and to be present during the presentation to answer ANY questions the people attending the presentation asked!

      after the presentation, which I was not allowed to attend, Pamela and I had to go the the bathroom. I was heading to the single occupancy bathroom, when Pamela said “where are you going?”  She grab my hand and marched me right into the women’s bathroom!

      well, Pamela and I have become good friends.  But, my wife doesn’t see things this openly. I can somewhat see things from her perspective, but I do not 100% agree with her on the topic of cross dressing.

      I apologize for rambling, but with this pandemic, I don’t have anyone close to me that I can openly talk to! This community is so fantastic!

      Love to All,

      Lexie

      • #409065
        DeeAnn Hopings
        Participant
        Registered On: November 10, 2019
        Topics: 11
        Replies: 671
        Has thanked: 9 times
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        Lexi:

        There are some therapists that are working online through Telehealth and other platforms. There may be someone in your area doing this…

    • #408950
      Tiff Any
      Participant
      Registered On: June 1, 2019
      Topics: 0
      Replies: 851
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      Hopefully just words in the heart of the moment , not truly felt 😟😟

      3 users thanked author for this post.
    • #408948
      Araminta Purdy
      Participant
      Registered On: January 23, 2020
      Topics: 1
      Replies: 179
      Has thanked: 220 times
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      In case nobody has noticed, I find much of commonly-used terminology questionable as to meaning and usage. The word, deviant, has two, rather dismal, meanings.

      First, it implies that something is immoral. The difficulty with the concept of morality is that it is too often based on unverifiable beliefs. To me it is improper to legislate laws or create conventions to be enforced through enforcement, social pressure or ideals of behaviour based on something that cannot be determined to inaccurate or accurate. (So-called ‘masquerade’ laws were used to punish cross-dressers and were condone by a society deeply in the thrall of the ‘pansy’ scare.) Rules such as these should be based on objective reality and not on subjective reality. The right to deviate from social conventions should sometimes be thought of in terms of freedom of expression.

      This does not mean that I do not believe in the value of laws, conventions, rules, etc. Especially if they serve an obviously useful purpose even if only in terms of simple courtesy. They not only aid in promoting generally safety but in ameliorating social interactions by providing a common basis for understanding, expectations and communication.  They make us comfortable because we know what to expect of others and what is expected of us. They are a communicative lubricant for the potential frictions between individuals and groups.

      Cross-dressing creates problems for some people because they do not understand the motivations, they do not know how to respond, they do not know what is expected of them and it lies outside of what they believe to be moral behaviour. As for those things they do not know, the solution is education and the establishment of social conventions that allow each of us to interact without feeling or creating discomfort. People do not like to feel foolish, awkward or at a loss.

      For example, how do you refer to a male presenting as a woman? I  believe that the convention should be that you use feminine terminology for a feminine presentation and if there is doubt, ask. Coming down hard on a person who is unaware of such a convention is carrying ‘political correctness’ too far and making such a person uncomfortable simply antagonizes them and does not advance a common understanding.

      As for their belief that cross-dressing is immoral, I do not feel that they have any rational reason for believing so. If fact, any behaviour that is relatively harmless should not be define as immoral. Weird, maybe, but so what? I would except aesthetic atrocities which can be harmful in that they can be egregiously offensive, but the line between Art and the sort of Trash that motivates one to regurgitate one’s French fries can be a fine one.

      So, basically, I do not like to use the word ‘moral’ for behaviour that should be acceptable as it seems based on irrationality and personal perceptions rather than on a more ubiquitously agreed upon and objective measure of benefits versus harm.

      Deviancy is also regarded in the sense of ‘normal’. As far as I can see, ‘normal’ means two things.

      First it refers to a statistically defined norm. That is something is deemed ‘normal’ if most people do it. However, I feel that some things that are commonly done we can well do without. Also, in any statistical situation the number of people who are ‘normal’ is actually generally a small segment of the general group. Some people are only 0.6 metres tall. Some people are 2.6 metres tall. The usual range of people is between 1.5 metres and 1.8 meters. But that does not mean that the people outside the latter range are ‘deviant’ and there are likely enough persons outside of that range to take in a significant portion of the general population. There are likely instances where something is considered ‘normal’ but which applies to less than 50% of the general population. (I can’t think of a cogent example so I will let you do that.) So, in a sense, those who are ‘normal’ are actually not normal as they do not make the majority, just a sizeable plurality.

      Secondly ‘normal’ seems to be a term psychologists use to define their concepts of moral but to still seem to be scientifically objective. A clever ruse, but are they really fooling anyone?

      So I do not like ‘moral’ and I do not like ‘normal’ because of the negative and pejorative connotations and because their usage seems more harmful than necessarily as being arbitrarily excluding and punitive.

      In the television series, “Cheers”, there was a character, Norm, who sat a bar and consumed beverages. A similar character appeared the the series, “Star Trek: Deep Space Nine”. The creators of the latter series made a nodding homage to the former by naming the latter character Morn. So:

      I take moral and normal and compress them into mornal which has some of the characteristics of both but there is a difference. First, I remove the judgemental elements of moral and keep the ethical element of behaviour that is minimally harmful and even beneficial and therefore acceptable. Second, I remove the necessity of numerical prevalence so that ‘mornal’ behaviour may be unusual but still rational, meaningful and even aesthetically stimulating.

      So mornal behaviour may be ‘deviant’ in the sense that one follows a road less traveled, dances to the beat of a different drum, lets their freak flag fly, explores new ideas or old ones in new ways, is inventive, questioning and above all self-actuallizing. But frankly I would rather be deviant and mornal rather than some other people’s ideas of moral or normal which are, too often, too normal and not all that moral.

      Araminta.

    • #408914
      Aimee
      Participant
      Registered On: September 13, 2020
      Topics: 0
      Replies: 1
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      Thanks for posting.  My ex wife would have definitely said the same thing as yours said to you.  Good thing for me that she never figured out that I was cross-dressing.

      I have felt a lot of shame over my past crossdressing and thought it was deviant only to really discover it’s ok.   My current wife accepts me dressing as Aimee.  So no, crossdressing is not deviant.

      • #408921
        Lexie Trask
        Participant
        Registered On: August 9, 2020
        Topics: 6
        Replies: 59
        Has thanked: 74 times
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        Thank you Aimee and Stephanie!

        I have come to the realization that my cross dressing is not deviant nor immoral. The fact that I prefer women’s clothes over male clothes does not change the person inside of me. With the exception that I’m happier as Lexie!

        While I’ve only been cross dressing for a relatively short time, approximately 4-5 years, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m happier when dressed en-femme! Many of my co-workers have commented on the fact that when I’m Lexie, I’m happier, more engage with my work.

        Although my wife does not understand, nor do I think she wants to, this is a part of ME! My wife and I are very conservative Christian couple, but I do not feel that God is going to send me to Hell because of the choice of clothing that I wear. Although he may not approve, I feel that he still loves me, and can ‘overlook’ this.

        I have found that this community is very supportive, and although I do not always agree with everyone here all the time, the perspectives they bring forward give one “good for thought” shall I say!

    • #408891
      Stephenie Derick
      Participant
      Registered On: July 9, 2020
      Topics: 0
      Replies: 24
      Has thanked: 213 times
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      I’m sorry Lexie.  You are not deviant.  We are just different.  There is nothing wrong with that.

      4 users thanked author for this post.
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