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Hello Gurls,
Yesterday I posted about my routine and “feeling it”, and I felt really good about how I looked, felt and was just in a good place. I also passed along some advice to some of you about how you cannot control what others may feel or think.
Ironically, I got a dose of that (and reality) yesterday.
I went along with my SO yesterday to do a little shopping. She needed some shoes, so we went to a big shoe store and as soon as we walk in there is a big clearance rack and of course right in front, there is a pair of booties (short boots) I’ve been wanting. Leopard print w/black trim, and in my size! What kind of luck is that?!
My SO shopped around forever while I browsed. She finally was in a long line to pay for her shoes, and I was able to get away and try on the boots in a secluded corner of the store. They felt and looked great!!!!
We left and came home. We were in our kitchen and talking and she mentioned how happy she was to finally get some shoes she had wanted. I mentioned I had seen some boots I liked, but I was not able to get them for a couple of reasons. At that point our son came in so I didn’t go on to say anything more. After a while I was standing near my SO and my son left the room, so I started being affectionate and a little frisky with my SO. She was “ok” with it to a point, then asked me to stop. So I pulled away (by the way, at this point I had changed my clothes and was in drab mode), I pulled away from her and she was looking at me with a look that is hard to describe. Somewhere between disdain and disgust is the best I can say.
I was really taken a back and asked why she was looking at me that way and she replied, “Where those boots mans or woman’s boots?”
I was going to answer honestly but right at that moment our son came walking back in the kitchen. I didn’t say anything more. But it was very deflating and disappointing to say the least.
As I mentioned to some of you yesterday, we cannot control what others feel or think. But it sure does not feel good.
Thank you all you wonderful gurls, for listening.
R
so sad for you.
Hi Rebekka
That must have been so hard. I am really sorry. The uncertainty and harshness that is inside that kinda of comment makes it so difficult. The path you have chosen is brave and support is crucial especially at home. That would devastate me for sure and what happens then is Jill retreats and the challenge becomes harder still. I wish for you strength and determination.
Kisses
jill
I’ve been wearing, stockings heels, pantyhose and bra sines I was 4. It had been a lifetime dream for me to have all the wonderful and pretty clothes in my size. They were not available to me so I had to settle for what I could get.
I began buying my own pantyhose at 13, then at 17, I got some shorts shorts and platform wedges and began wearing those out with my pantyhose. At 18 I got my own place and bought all the wonderful and pretty clothes I had wanted so bad for so long. I began wearing them all the time, went out in them, partied often and had many scary but incredibly exciting adventures. I loved it.
After college I began dressing less and less until I didn’t dress at all. Life was happening, kids came along and I didn’t dress around them. That was all fine. I was loving life and not missing dressing much. Then when the kids grew and moved out, I began dressing again. I thought it was important to keep some things away form the kids. Dressing was one of them. I wanted to avoid explanations and awkward encounters.
I have felt criticism from my S.O. before. Thankfully not about my dressing. The criticism cuts deep and hurts. It has left me thinking that maybe the roles have reversed in that moment. That I am more of a woman and my S.O. is acting like an insensitive man.
Hi Rebekka,
I have been informed my dressing pretty much dicusts my wife and ended our intimacy.
I have comets the conclusion there is not much I can do about it as this is who I am now and I cant stop feeling How I feel or who I am.
I love her very much and we still love each other.
It definately hurts when someone says that a part of you discusts someone you love.
I guess its part of being who we are.
Hang in there sweety,I know it hurts but you are a beautiful girl to us.
Patty
I hope you can talk with your SO and find out why she was upset with you.
It can be so hard to have difficult, open conversations but it sounds like this might be one of those cases when it is needed. I’ve been guilty of hiding my hurt feelings and letting things eat away at me so many times so I’m probably not one to talk.
Do you think that you may have hurt her feelings when you were shopping as or for Rebekka during a trip when she felt it was “her” shopping time? Maybe you felt as though you were sharing something special with her but perhaps she wanted a shopping trip that was centered on on her wants and needs.I’m not trying to read too much into your post but it could be that she was annoyed by something far more simple than what you are thinking but given the situation, you could possibly be inclined to jump to the most hurtful conclusion.
I hope I’m not overstepping any boundaries….just trying to offer a different perspective.
Many hugs 💗
Kristin
Oh dear, that doesn’t sound good, for either of you. I agree you need to sit down and talk about what happened, what was going on in her mind and what upset her and then let her know that you were also upset by her reaction and you want to understand so you can avoid it happening again.
It’s so easy for a random thought to enter our heads and we take fright and unfortunately it’s not easy to mask that or hide it on our faces at times but I’m sure it was not meant in a hurtful way, she was just feeling overwhelmed.
Hi Bekks
Mandy has said it perfectly, all I can possibly add….
chin up honey, we all love you just as you are.
Grace 💋
Hi Rebekka
I know its easy to say but please stay positive, you may have just caught your SO at the wrong moment and received the full force of it. Chin up sweetheart you might just get a different response another day, god knows women blow hot and cold continuously. We are all here for you.
Love Sarah xx
Thank you all. You are all so encouraging.
I was “dressed” at the time. I dress in hybid mode. Gurl jeans and was wearing tights, panties and a camisole under my shirt, and black suede booties. She is never aware about the undergarments. We were shopping for her, and she was not aware of the boots I was looking at.
She was obviously upset by the jeans and boots, nothing else shows. I always dress like this wearing a man’s shirt.
I’ve not gone near her since. She asked a couple of times since then what is bothering me. I have been down a bit, but every time I’m ready to talk, she is busy doing something. I was just going to talk to her, she is riding an exercise bike, we were talking but she picked up her tablet and put in her headphones saying she needed to be distracted.
So I came to my computer to check CDH. Here I am.
thank you all again,
🙂
An Update;
Last night under the cover of darkness SO and I had a talk. It started with me asking her if she didn’t want me to be intimate with her anymore. If not I would stop trying.
The short answer is, she does not want me to be intimate with her, nor does she want or desire to with me either. Why? The reason(s) are probably obvious.
She does not like my smooth body, does not like any aspect of the things I wear, I’m not being a “man”. She does not want anything physical between us. I can decide to stop (everything), or I can decide that if I really want a partner who will be fine with this I can leave and go find that someone who will be. (That is not what I want). Beyond that, she is “happy” to stay in a “relationship” with me, but it will never include being intimate with one another.
I did tell her this is a big part of my fear that she will find a “man” that she finds attractive (because he is a “man”), and will stray. She insists that would never happen. I do wonder however, realizing it is me that brings that possibility to the forefront.
I have no idea what I’m going to do. I don’t want to purge, I’m tired of doing that. I made it clear that all my life I’ve had to conform, and be what society feels I should be (a “man”), and I’m tired of doing that. None of this matters to her however.
The choices are;
– Just stop what I’m doing, grow up and be a “man”.
– Or just be fine living with what would essentially be a roommate, and hope that some “man” does not come along to make things even worse.
Thank you gurls for listening.
R
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