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    • #722188

      I am a closeted crossdresser. In my mind and through extensive thought on the matter coming out to my wife would likely have negative consequences. In all the scenarios I have played out in my mind very few result in an outcome that I would be comfortable living with. That is why I stay in the closet even though I know having this secret off my back would be a wonderful thing but at what cost?

      It’s a cost that I can’t even really determine because to do so would require letting my secret be known. Sure I could broach the topic using abstracts or using another couple as an example. However, the response I would receive would be in the abstract as well. And we all know our answers for those types of questions differ greatly when we swap ourselves into the equation.

      It is a trap, but it’s relatively safe in here. And I say relatively because to maintain the trap/closet/ or whatever you must remain diligent. Because any slip up might be the thing that yanks the door open and let’s the sunlight shine bright upon you.

      This past Monday that very nearly happened to me. My wife came nearly face to face with two small tote boxes containing a number of my feminine clothing items. Hell I will be frank, she did come face to face with those totes but apparently the contents didn’t register and nothing was initially said. I have spent the remainder of the week waiting for it to be brought up but it hasn’t.

      That brought to light that I have become complacent with my protection of Darcy. That can’t be the case if I wish to keep this under wraps. Those of us that keep this hidden all know that we are on screw-up away so you can never never let your guard down.

      Be well, be careful, but also take care of all of who you are.

    • #722197
      J J
      Lady

      As I have said many times before, it is not a matter of if, but when they find out.

      Most of our spouses are pretty bright, and figure things out from multiple small, or not so small, slip ups on our part. No doubt many a spouse has their suspicions, or outright k ow but choose not to say anything.

      I have always been of the opinion that it is better to deal with such things in a controlled manner rather then wait until it is a crisis. Good luck, and be careful.

      • #722221
        Dani
        Lady

        JJ, while I think you are right, and I have discovered that for myself, I think there are sometimes people who don’t want to discuss it or bring it out in the open. Sometimes it’s best to let sleeping dogs lie. When you have jobs, kids, grandkids, other social situations then you have to adjust. For some of us it is a compromise and always will be a compromise. Some have it much easier – spouse who approves/accepts, single, etc. I have always said that I don’t have anything to PROVE. And I don’t. Dani is a big part of me. I can’t deny that she exists and I’m limited in my abilities to suppress her. And it is dangerous to suppress that too much. But I will not trample everybody else’s feelings to prove that. It’s a balance and a delicate one.

        • #722924
          J J
          Lady

          I fully agree, there is no absolutely correct answer, it is all situation dependant. My real point is so, so many eventually get “caught”, and then there is the trust and dishonestly issues to deal with beside the dressing issue. When possible, and I admit  it is difficult and sometime impossible, but when it is possible it is better to be proactive rather then reactive.

      • #722841

        JJ, I was going to say the same thing about “when” and not “if.” My (now) ex found out, but it wasn’t even because of a slip-up on my part. She had already made many negative comments on TV shows about crossdressers, despite always telling me she wanted to wear man-tailored clothing, so I knew she would not be approving.

        My daughter had a fever and diarrhea, and we had to take her to the ER. She doesn’t register properly from oral thermometers (she could be 2 degrees low), and was very lethargic. Her nature when she gets like this was to withdraw, even if someone is trying to help. But (I later found out) the nurses thought she was having mental issues, and were going to transfer her to another hospital.

        While working on the paperwork, she had another explosive bout. My wife was getting something to eat for the other kids. When the nurses kept working on their paperwork instead of cleaning her, I did what any good father would do and did it myself. Of course, some got in where it shouldn’t, and I had to use a wipe to clean her out so she wouldn’t become infected.

        (When we got to the other hospital and they took her temp, it was again low, but we insisted to do it rectally which showed it was quite high. Plus you could tell just by touching her that the thermometer was wrong. When she was given some fever reducer, she suddenly became more responsive.)

        The nurse ended up calling the state on me for cleaning her down there, and the social worker had looked in all nooks and crannies of my home when I was at work, which is how my stuff was found out. Yeah, they eventually cleared me, but the damage had been done.

        Darcy, it’s always better to tell them on your terms when you can control the situation, rather than having it happen when you can’t control it.

    • #722198

      I understand what you are saying and empathize with your situation and that ultimately happens to all crossdressers we slip up the stress, exhilaration, anticipation, so many emotions to me are magnified when you have to walk they line. What did she see in the totes is my question for it not to register without knowing what it was depending on how far you go when you dress she possibly could already have an idea or suspicion. Did she actually see some contents inside was it a look a quick glance? I wish you the best your mind must be racing for the worst case scenario is not pleasant. Just a thought she may know more than you think and if she does you should consider all possible thoughts and feelings she may be going through while you are going through yours. Hope it works out the best for you and your wife.

      Hugs April

    • #722214

      Darcy,

      As someone in a similar position I know exactly of the “diligence” you talk about. Only you know how you think your wife may react to being open and honest with her, and that’s only a decision you can make if you ever want to (and many don’t).

      The problem with being in the closet is the secrecy and perhaps, more importantly, the stress of keeping up such secrets and the toil it can take without realising. One way I’ve coped with it is to narrow down the possibilities of discovery as much as possible. So, for example, keeping my feminine collection in just one place where I know where everything is and having strict rules when and where I dress. The advent of computers and smart phones have made this even trickier, as I know (rightly or wrongly – mainly wrongly) some partners who will occasionally pick up their partners phones to see who’s messaged them or what they’ve been looking at. Just going on sites like this and not closing them down properly could have serious consequences.

      I know for many the above will sound like a complete chore and remove any sense of fun or point, but as I’ve said before, for a few of us we have to weigh up the pro’s and con’s.

      Take care,

      Katie

       

       

    • #722219
      Dani
      Lady

      Darcy, I very much sympathize with your situation. My wife knows, has known even before I told her. But she doesn’t approve. To her it’s just some flaw in my character or a fetish or something. I don’t know. We don’t really talk about it much. A couple of years ago we were at a “pumpkin patch” with our kids/grandkids. They wanted us to take a picture behind one of those things where you stick your head through and take a picture (farmer and wife). She made a snide comment about me and women’s clothes. I was shocked beyond belief and hurt. I immediately purged nearly everything I had. I was scared she was going to drag this all out in front of everyone. She can be mean this way and has been quite often, in public, about other things (the size of my penis for example). She eventually asked me why I was so upset and I told her. Of course her answer was “I was just joking.”
      To make a long story short I stay deeply in the closet. And therapy definitely helps. A lot. She has since gotten a little better. And nicer. But it’s still off limits to talk about.

    • #722220
      Anonymous

      Dearest Darcy,
      You are such a wonderful person and you deserve all the happiness in the world. You are a wonderful husband and father and surely your wife sees that. Coming out or being discovered is going to put a wrench into things for sure but you just might grow closer and have a stronger relationship for having taken the journey together. You know all too well how hard this last year has been for my husband and I since he came out and I can honestly say we are closer and have a stronger relationship. We are both better people and spouses compared to last March. Does his dressing drive me insane sometimes? YES! But at the end of the day this journey has brought us both a much better relationship. You know what is best for you and for your wife and you will figure everything out in time.

      Hugs in high heels,
      Betty

      • #722842

        Betty

        I came out to my wife just shy of two years ago and we are for sure closer than we have ever been.  I consider myself very lucky that she loved me enough to understand and listen.  At the same time I made sure that she knew that she was important and that it wasn’t all about me…it’s about balance.  I wish the best for all!

         

         

        hugs. Carole

    • #722316
      Cassie Jayson
      Duchess

      Darcy, if you have found the balance where you are comfortable all the best to you. But I fear for you that eventually she will find out, either find your stash or catch you dressed. I am sure you have rehearsed in your mind what to say when/if she does. I hope that when she does find out she will be more understanding than you can believe.
      .. Csaaie

    • #722532

      Darcy you just described my situation I have been very diligent hiding my stash and covering my Crossdressing tracks but still have had some close calls like the time my wife was cleaning the counter and sink in the downstairs bathroom as she wiped the surface with a white cloth she looked at me and said what is this red residue? I told her maybe rust from the water but she is a very smart lady so she probably suspects my blush.
      I hope when I get the courage to tell her about my dressing it’s not as negative as I fear all I know is as I age and recently retired it’s time to come clean possibly this year.                                I agree with the trap/safety your referring to but as I age I’m just getting tired of keeping this secret to myself.
      Great subject thanks for bringing it up.

    • #722956

      OMG, this is a constant concern in my head. Where and how to hide all of my stuff. And with a girly getaway trip planned for this weekend, I am now concerned with how to get those things out of the house, and then back in the house unnoticed.

      Currently, everything is stored alongside of various tools and household repair things, but it’s not large enough, or in a clean enough location to hold all of my newest acquisitions.

      I’ve seriously considered building a carefully designed storage place in my basement that couldn’t be easily discovered, and have several ideas.

      Until then, I must, as you say, have diligence. – Gemma💋

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