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Hi girls. I’m in need of perspective and any opinion will be appreciated.
This is a complex situation so I will try to be brief and mention only the key points
I will start venting about how fragile I am inspite of appearing as a tough man.
It all starts when my SO showed me a thread of messages that was initiated out of the blue by an ex friend of hers that she dated 7 years ago.
She clearly showed interest and reciprocated the flirtatious texts. Since she told me all about this before hand I told her it was sexy and it fed my ego and validation of still having a hot wife while she could enjoy the attention from other man without crossing limits.
The point where the conversation turned bad was when she said having a daughter but never mentioned having a partner
I said this was disrespectful and that she shouldn’t have started a flirty conversation with anyone. Because she did it before telling me.
She said i was overreacting and she did nothing wrong. I felt hurt and disrespected because not mentioning you are taken when someone hits on you undermines the value and respect of the other partner in question.
A day later I was trying to get an appointment from a professional make up artist so I could see for myself if i looked passable or not.
A response from a couple of them was “we don’t serve man” when I disclosed I was a crossdresser and ghosted me with no explanation.
From a legal standpoint I had been discriminated for my sexual orientation for the first time in my life. I consider myself at this point gender fluid.
I vented this with my SO and she said they were right in saying that they wete right in serving only men, women and transgender people. Those words made me feel less than human because in the spectrum of the LGBTQ + we are recognized. Therefore the human rights laws protect us as vulnerable members of society.
I asked her that this establishments only serve men, women and transgender so what the heck I am supposed to be?
I have a law school background and I told her she can’t come to me telling me that their answer was within the law because they could not have the skills of transformation. If they don’t disclose this before denying to serve you then it becomes discrimination.
She just didn’t understood why not. When she noticed how frustrated i was she stuck to say I’m sorry they didn’t disclose their reasons why when they should have. What makes me angry is when someone apologize for something without understanding the reason why. To me that’s an empty apologize. Therefore is not genuine.
Later when she was putting down to bed our daughter and saw i was still frustrated at her she said “You make carry your burden too” It was said in a non sympathetic way.
I felt humiliated, hurt and sad of who I am when after decades of struggle finally embraced and love myself for who I am.
She apologized later but her apologies don’t mean nothing to me when she doesn’t understand what she did wrong and the extent of hurt she inflicted on me for the last 3 days. I said I don’t know how much more I can handle your stubbornness, pride and disrespect. What she didn’t know is that I meant that I don’t know how much more i can take before i choose to end all my pain by own hand.
If you have ever read my story you will know i had to overcome situations that nobody should have to go through. I’ve had a very though life.
I know I shouldn’t vent my personal life in public. I’m just desperate to hear from another person who is not biased or related to me or her.
I love her, she is supportive and she has a good heart. She just have an enormous ego that doesn’t let her see past it. She does not measures her words when she speaks. Therefore she can’t see when she say terrible things. Is like she lacks a filter in her mind for wording her thoughts.
She recently confessed that the lack of sex is because my crossdressing is a turn off.
She thought it be wouldn’t be turn off but it finally did.
Any thoughts? Are we just going thru a rough patch or is it time to accept is over and cut losses?
She has access to this account so at some point she will read it.
Sorry for my grammar. I’m too emotional now.
Claire,
Any advice you get here on your situation will not be enough. You need professional help figuring this out. Go by yourself at first, then go for couple counseling if it is still needed. You are too close to everything going on, so you may not see the big picture. If you think you can’t afford therapy or do not have insurance that covers it, there are many places that provide counseling for free or on a sliding scale.
And for what it is worth, I have looked at your photos and you are passable. Attractive even.
We all wish you the best and a positive outcome.
Madeline
I agree with Madeline, I would imagine your best bet is to seek out a professional. one who you can completely confide in. One who has the expertise to help you thru this.
We all tend to get invested in our own thoughts so much so that we can have a hard time finding empathy for others who think differently. Things are rarely as bad as we might think they are.
You have had a couple of negative events and that has exposed your fragility from what you have written Claire.
It would be a matter of personal perspective in commenting on your issues which may or may or may not be helpful so, although you have asked I think it is prudent to refrain in this instance. You know we are here to help and support you and you can always P.M. if you wish and sometimes just writing it down to vent is a good therapy too.
I am in agreement with the others that suggest counselling for yourself as a first step.
Oh and by the way, you look great in those pictures.
“Oh and by the way, you look great in those pictures.”
From the profile pictures to the disguised public photos of full body shots you are absolutely public passable 👍 Don’t have access to private photos but Ditch the Big Yellow Smiley 😊 Face and save it for Halloween, so you don’t denigrate yourself and look like a Pumpkin 🎃 Head 😁
Hi Claire, Everyone here has said it so well. Get to a good therapist NOW! And then keep at it and put the work into it no matter how costly or uncomfortable it is. The more that you put it off, the more the problem gets worse. I was homeless and broke once and that was way before I learned about my intersex condition. After that I spent years with a good therapist and things improved. Therapy earlier would have been far more effective and less costly. Good luck, Marg
Having gone through a divorce a few years back I may be responding from a different perspective…
The recent episodes that you are describing as disrespect from your wife, coupled with her flirtatious conversation with her friend, tell me that she has developed feelings for this other man and is now trying to justify herself in her own eyes. She’s looking for a way out and your crossdressing and sexual preferences are now her first choice for an excuse.
If you love her and you want your marriage to continue, you and she need to drop your own egos and get counseling, both together and individually. That will require her to end her ‘conversation’ with her friend, and you will probably need to ‘be a man’ for a while. But from my experience your marriage will not survive otherwise.
In my case it turned out to be a blessing in disguise, as I learned my wife had been hiding a great deal from me as well, including years of rampant infidelity. But you still have a chance. …if you want it.Again, just a humble opinion.
Hi Claire, I do feel for you for having to go through all this. And I agree with the others about getting in to see a therapist.
Now, having gone through a divorce – having nothing to do with my cd/tg desires which she easily happily wickedly would have used against me if she knew – I will suggest something else along the mentioned lines (and maybe some might not fully agree).
If you decide to go to counseling, bring it up to your spouse, don’t do it in private. She could respond to that in several ways, and you should find that out as soon as possible. She could agree – either believing it will be a positive thing for you and for your marriage OR she could see it as something you NEED to get you straightened away. Or she could even volunteer to come to the sessions with you. (be careful of that though as all my ex wanted to see was the therapist berate and scold me for being bad and praise her for being good…HA!, btw I won custody of our child, thank goodness and he and his mother continue to have a very rocky relationship, and he wants me to come and visit him and his family a lot, oh and my marriage now? 45th anniversary coming up shortly.)
Or she could disagree with it for whatever reason.
I think it would benefit you going forward to know as much as you can of where she stands and how she feels about you and your marriage and life together going forward. Not telling her until you’re into it, may cause her to think you don’t trust her with important decisions that could affect her.
I hope it goes well for you as you and wish you the best.
Hugs, ChloëC
Wow, I have great empathy for you but one of us. Here can use the ‘cliche’.
“I feel your pain “, when we possibly cannot 😟🥲 There is no way I can give you any sound advice here, I hope others can, and Please make her read this thread of your outpouring heartache and other sisters responses. Couple of questions? Are you two married? or just partners ( and how long) Did she know of your CDism in advance and ever seen you dressed? Do you go out in public? How does she react to you when you are dressed? Help , participate?Let others follow up , but “ I WILL NEVER FEEL YOUR PAIN “😩🤢
Thank you for your support. We have been together for about 8 years. We have a 4 year old child. From the beginning, Probably at our 5th date i told her about my other persona. She said she was fine.
I have gone out just once to a gas station or so. I have not yet dressed out in public. She has alway been supportive and has seen me a couple of times dressed up at home and even helped me with my make up.
I don’t know what’s going on in her mind. I’ve never lied about my crossdressing habit. Actually she was the one to encourage me to be open about it not be ashamed of it.
I’ve been into counseling for many years and i think she has helped more than my counselor.
Anyways. I’m so hurt that i can’t talk to her right now. She has apologized a few times but the mix of emotions doesn’t go away.
If she won’t do counseling then sadly it looks like she’s ready to move on. Could be you both could be amicable and part ways as friends. I hope so and she doesn’t weaponize your dressing to gain in the divorce.
Thank you very much for all your advices. Last night we had a long and painful conversation but at the end it was constructive. We have agreed we need counseling and we have reassured the love of each other.
I hope it works. I’m looking for a couples therapist in my area now. I’ll keep you posted.
Love
Claire
Hello Claire Claire!
I’m so sorry you were the victim of others ignorance. I’m afraid however that will not change, particularly in today’s societal climate. Already being a “minority” and having experienced these sorts of things (even before any dressing), it is discouraging. But you have to show others they do not dictate who you are.
Regarding your SO and the chat sessions with an old acquaintance. Again even before any dressing, this was already a big insecurity of mine. Partly my ignorance, but just prior to meeting my wife I had 2 back to back relationships where my girlfriends had hidden (at first) from me they were at times “hanging out” with old boyfriends, that turned out to me much more than that.
When I met my wife she had just been divorced, and had a number of male “friends”, she did things with and they were constantly reaching out to her. I gave her an ultimatum, (very selfish on my part), but she ultimately and grudgingly accepted it. Note, she would try to schedule time with them, outside of our time together.
In the not so distant past however this issue came up again, and she stated if there was a “guy friend” whom she shared common interests with, she would want to spend time with them. This really set me off and we’ve never agreed on this. I don’t know how she would get to know someone that well to begin with. This happened a lot at work (pre-pandemic) and I found there (she finally admitted), there was one guy who would walk her to her car when working late, he was a really nice guy, and they were on a business trip together (where he in texts she shared was eager to show her around, again pre-pandemic, and I know spent time together then. I don’t know that anything ever happened. Anyway the pandemic came along and several things changed.
Sorry, this was a long way in saying, “I am” still very insecure about this and given my dressing and knowing how she feels about it, this is always a threat to me. I feed this too however by deciding to dress the way I do. So I can’t blame her entirely. It just may serve as something that would drive her to someone else.
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