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    • #150398
      skippy1965 Cynthia
      Ambassador

      I wrote this about three years ago-just after I joined the site-but I still have moments like this-how about y’all?

      In a melancholy mood this overnight and wrote the below:
      Sometimes I wonder if she’s real..the girl I feel inside;
      The world can be a cruel place for those who need to hide
      The essence of their very soul. When I was very young,
      The tiny tinkle of a bell pealed forth as it was rung.
      A clarion call to set her free-to open wide the bars
      of Prison cell where she has slept and reach out for the stars.
      So dare I answer the alarm before it is too late?
      Or cower in the darkness fearing what’s behind that gate.
      I know not where my life may lead-it may be girl or boy
      Or even somewhere in between that I may find my joy.
      So now I take this wondrous trip to find out where to go
      And hope that I’m accepted as into the world I go!

      Do you ever feel like you’ve been fooling yourself and maybe you’re not transgender but just crazy? I get those feeling sometimes when the news media or comment forums blast our community as being unnatural or perverted or just plain wrong. I usually get past the hate but sometimes it is hard especially when sometimes the people spouting it are those you love(some family and friends) who don’t know that they are saying it to someone who has gender issues themselves. Sigh.. I guess I’ll be ok -maybe some sleep will help.

      Cynthia

    • #150416

      yes I do at least one time a week. eveyone does!

    • #150419

      Not sure doubt is the right word but definitely go through ups and downs.  I’ve more or less stopped purging due to being closeted but limit my wardrobe for practical reasons.  I often get to dress partially working at home but then truly am just waiting and planning I can fully dress and go out on a work trip.  Then when I get there inevitably I don’t have as much time or places to go to think it is worth doing.  So on night one I will go out but then night two think I got my “fix” and don’t dress.

      I am starting to have more evening and then morning Nancy time going for a walk in running tights and a hoody.  I find it great to get new experiences that I never had before that make feel more and more “girlish”.  Then I think why do I waste so much time on this “hobby” when I could be working or doing something else.

      I am at the point where the next few weeks I will get dressed and out as much as I can on my trips just because I can and feel like I need to.  Then maybe stop for  while, who knows, who am I kidding, it is all in flux.

    • #150438
      Michelle Liefde
      Ambassador

      Hi Cyn,

      I question where I am with this often though I no longer deny that it is a part of me.  I do have doubts about how far I will go and what I am willing to lose and gain in being who I am.  And society does scare me at times, but with the help of my wife, you and our whole family here helps me to keep striving to discover depths I had been so afraid of exploring.

      Hugs,

      Michelle

      • #153252
        skippy1965 Cynthia
        Ambassador

        Michelle,
        It took me the first three years of counseling before I finally accepted that Cyn would NEVER go away, and more importantly that I didn’t WANT her to either. Cyn is a large part, and PERHAPS the MAIN part of who I am. I, too, don’t now how far my journey will go, but I know Cyn will be here enjoying it.
        Cyn

    • #150439

      Hi Cynthia,

      Great Question. And my answer is yes. Doing that exact thing right now. In spite of takeing Steps out in Public. Meeting other Cds. And realizing this will never go away. My mind still Fluctuates all over the place with my Cding. I will go back and forth with my dressing. Waxing and Waning. Wondering Why?  Where is this all leading to ? Maybe I can really stop? Am I trying hard enough ? What am I really getting out of all this ? Maybe I am just causing my self more Problems?  I don’t seem to be any further head with answers. The doubting our Selves Seems to come and go. I wonder if it just depends on how we are feeling sometimes. Or how things are going in our lives. Or like you say the negative feed back that we receive from time to time.

      Amanda

       

    • #150461
      Anonymous

      Yes, I do it to and the other day I told my Wife that I’m just going to accept who I am and finally be as happy as I can. So I have been dressing up and just letting my feminine side free and it’s great.  Love all the Gurls here❤️

    • #150487
      Caty Ryan
      Baroness

      No! Cos the male me is him and the female me is Caty. “Never the twain shall meet”. I’ve been around too long on this mortal coil and any self doubts about “either of me” are long gone.

       

       

    • #150491

      Stay strong Cyn, keep you chin up.

      You are a wonderful person.

      Everybody is entitled to their own opinions. Many are ‘anti’ something, usually just a by product of the environment they have been brought up in. Whether it be racist, sexist, religious intolerance, anti LGBT, etc etc. We have to develop a thick skin as we grow, but yes this intolerance can get us down.

      JUST REMEMBER THE PROBLEM IS WITH THEM, NOT US.

      Things are getting better my friend. Remember the 60s , the famous ‘ I have a dream’ speech. Things have improved so much since that speech, most are now judged by the content of their character, not the colour of your skin. Not perfect yet, but a million times better. Or in pre 1970s Britain where it was a criminal offence to be actively homosexual, now we have same sex marriages.

      I hope someday cross dressing will be a thing of the past, everybody will just be able to wear what they want. My own little ‘ I have a dream’.

      Until then we just have to try to stay strong. We are, in our own way, at the forefront of change ourselves, the more of us open up about it, the more normal it becomes.

      love

      Bianca

      • #153364

        Bianca,

        great post- I would like to say that I’m no sexist, but I’m pretty good.

        haha

        -JO

    • #150507
      Anonymous

      We are who we are – what’s to doubt?

      I don’t mean to be rude, I feel doubt too, occasionally.

      Not about being trans or gay – I settled both of those in my teens and I’m neither.

      I do have less doubt by the day that I am anything but me. And him :0)

      Love Laura.

    • #150648
      Anonymous

      Yes the “am I kidding myself” thoughts swirl around, and have been there for some 50 years, along with many changes in direction, lots of self-exploration, affirmations, doubts and also thinking “who cares, let’s have fun”.
      I’ve recently read the book “Yes, You Are Trans Enough” by Mia Violet which has settled a few thoughts in my mind (the title says it all). But I still see many paths that I could follow, with all those dark shadows and beautiful lights bobbing around.
      People help, talking helps, and yes, sleep, lovely sleep. I need more of that! Less CDH at midnight I think. 🙂

    • #152204

      Hi cyn, i’m me, ive got past caring what others might think, i’m as entitled to be in this world as everyone else, how I live it is up to me. As long as i’m not committing any violations, what harm am I doing??? I used to wonder, but now I accept who I am, and to be honest, its made me a far better person than if I was a man alone. NO. be who you are, enjoy yourself to the full, and **** everybody else. 🙂 .

    • #153213

      I feel as confident as anyone out there.  I am this feminine person inside.  It’s my psychological makeup.  The problem is nature screwed up by not properly matching the physical makeup.  So I don’t have doubts as to what I am doing or why I am doing what I do.

    • #153221
      Mona
      Duchess

      I also answer yes – I doubt myself all the time. Really it comes and goes and others have already described that pretty well here.

      Lately it’s been more of a “just go with the flow and have fun” attitude. But last night I had a long conversation with my wife where she really started questioning me and I started providing a lot more details.

      She’s known about my CDing for about a year now but when I’ve tried to discuss it her only response has been that she is “still processing it.”  Fair enough – I completely respect that and I am not going to push it.

      She agreed to read the book “My Wife Betty” which may be familiar to some of you. Maybe that wasn’t the best primer to provide her with but on the other hand I think it does a good job providing a wife’s perspective on having a CD husband.

      Having read the book, she at least started asking more questions last night and also expressing feelings of fear and anger about the situation. And this is what has prompted a fresh round of doubt in my own mind.

      The best thing is that she and I have agreed to keep talking – we both recognize the importance of honesty and open communication going forward.

      Sorry this veered off topic somewhat but the bottom line is yes absolutely there are doubts that likely will continue.  Ups and downs or in the words of the Dude from the Big Lebowski (my favorite movie) “strikes and gutters, strikes and gutters”

      BTW Hang in there Cyn – this too shall pass. Sending warm hugs of support your way, Mona

    • #153255

      Yes, all the time. That’s why I’m here. To find some help with those feelings.

    • #153269

      Doubts? Yes, I have a few.

      But there is very little doubt that this evening I will get en femme except for makeup and heels; no doubt that tonight I’ll change into feminine bedclothes before I turn in; no doubt that I’ll change back to daytime femme wear before going down to breakfast.

      I seriously doubt that, unless I have a severe lifechanging event, I will ever be able to resist the urge to crossdress. I doubt that I’ll ever have the poise and confidence to come out of the closet and join the 9+ CDH sisters going to Keystone in March. I doubt that I will ever be able to explain to myself WHY I do this, much less to anyone else.

      And worst of all, there is the doubt that I will ever be able to overcome the fear of discovery, which is all-consuming, and detracts from my beloved crossdressing happiness. So many ladies here at CDH have no fear. I doubt that I would ever be able to explain mine to them.

      Oh, well. We are who we are, and that’s just me. Me and my doubts.

    • #153374

      I consider myself “normal” but then I have all this…and I absolutely love it!  I don’t know if I could ever come out to my family since I have lived the “normal” life and NO ONE suspects.  I am happy to know that I am not the only one.

      Would it be better if I lived with another crossdresser?  I don’t know.  I have only dressed with one other person live in person.  I would love to meet up with another and share the experience or have a complete makeover if even for just a day.

      • #159290
        skippy1965 Cynthia
        Ambassador

        Allison, see if you can ever find a way to attend one of the CD/TG conventions like Esprit or Keystone-thy do wonders for your confidence.
        Cyn

    • #159132
      Anonymous

      I doubt myself everyday. I won’t go into it really I’m a private person in most things I do.

      As an artist it goes with the territory and applies to my everyday routine.

    • #159247

      Oh my God yes, all the time.  The doubting never seems to go away either.

    • #159268
      Anonymous

      Lovely, thank you…

    • #159307
      Anonymous

      Hi Cynthia.

      Did I ever doubt myself? You bet!

      After getting internet access, and finding the cd/tg resources, I got fully covered and living happily inside the pink fog. And at some point I started to believe many of the things people was saying to me… “oh I thought you were a female/ts/full time (take your pick)”. And things that hearing time and time again they make you wonder… The infamous (and idiotic) “what is the difference between a cd and a ts?”.

      So, I was losing myself into the image that others had of me. Until I realized that what others saw or thought was totally irrelevant. What was important was that I was the one luving my own life, not them. And what I did didn’t affect them, only affected me and my family.

      I was lucky. I was then able to firmly plant my feet on the ground. Found the very much needed balance and was able to get past the feminine side vs masculine side struggle.

      I am only me. 🙂

      Gaby 💜

    • #159311
      rhonda
      Lady

      I’m beginning to think we should have our own club within the club , we might  have a lot of members

    • #159430
      Anonymous

      I doubt myself constantly and always feel that I don’t measure up to either one life or the other, not really a man, nor am I really trans… I feel awkward and in-between, a fraud and a charlatan.

      I know who I am, but I just can’t seem to express it. I know who I want to be but I’m MASSIVE COWARD 🙁

      Imogen x

       

       

       

       

      • #163296
        skippy1965 Cynthia
        Ambassador

        Imogen, it takes a long time and sometimes the help of a good counselor to figure out who you are. I am still working on it myself and not sure of my final destination-but I am enjoying my journey of exploration in the meantime. and I know that I will never again lock Cyn away in the closet from where she only emerged into the world about 7-8 years ago and only got bold enough to be out and about two years ago. Don’t despair or feel fake at all. Accept that you have great worth no matter what yur outer shell looks like at any point. And be true to your heart.
        Cyn

    • #159985
      Anonymous

      Yeah I do.

      Had that pretty thoroughly recently. Left me literally down in the dumps. I felt like a ghost walking around in a body that wasn’t mine.

      Went to practice my art, the body knew what to do, I was there in the studio, but the entire time I was asking myself, am I here just because this is what I know? Am I here because I’m just supposed to be here at this point? Do I like this because I like it, or is it just something I know and am I going through the motions because it’s familiar to me?

      My art defines me, it’s a core character of who I am. I know I love it, but I didn’t feel it. I felt like a fake just faking it really well.

      My wife and I recently laid out a lot of “why” question with regards to my cross dressing. Why this, why that, though it’s not relevant to list them here. The point is, I ended up feeling like if I didn’t know why, if I couldn’t answer why, then I was a fraud and I’m just faking it for some reason and not being authentic.

      It’s all nonsense, and more importantly what my wife has said to me, it’s perfectly normal to feel that way sometimes and for a myriad of reasons. She said you don’t need to know the why in order to accept something, though even if you don’t know why it doesn’t mean you can’t have self control over it regardless. There’s going to be some emotional growing pains I think in discovering who we are, and in defining who we are in light of that discovery.

    • #160260

      Hi Girls……..I think we all have self-doubt until we get a few sucesses under our belts. The more sucesses we have the more confident we are until one “Oh Crap” hits the fan and we loose a few progressive steps and have to recover and move forward again. As a medic in Vietnam….every time I was called….I would see the patient and self doubt would flood in…..can I save this person…remember you training, your efforts in the past. The self doubt never really went away….so I thought each time the call came. I did get very proficient, the self doubt became less and less. Throught the rest of my life….”There is nothing I cannot do, there is nothing I cannot learn”. Self confidence and haughtiness are part of me now……..just a Charles Emerson Winchester 3rd from Mash! I guess the number of Degrees, certificates and diplomas I have justify that remark. Inspirational words from me………Pull up your socks, put on a stiff upper lip and carry on…….I am me…..I am great, I am unstoppable, there is nothing I cannot succeed at.

      I don’t brag here but we are our own best back pater and supporter. Get out there and slay those dragons.

      Dame Veronica

    • #336660

      Hello Cyn.  Your p0st from 2019 still resonates.  I think that pretty much of what you said could have been written by myself.  This hobby of ours is the damndest thing with its ebbs and flows, doubts and highs. Time is moving on for us all of us. I somehow feel cheated that I couldn’t have pursued cross dressing in an open manner over the years.  I am in great shape and still feel like I am twenty so I finally decided to accept this wonderful side of myself and to enjoy her as I move forward.  Maybe someday meet some of the community at an event.  Thanks again for posting your own thoughts on all of this.  They are wonderful to see. Hopefully I can eventually post a few pics.

    • #336669

      Hi, yes many times. But after recognizing who I am and what I enjoy, feel like, I have grasped it, I love it and wish I could be feminine all of the time. I think it’s natural to have questions given our definition of what supposed to be normal. Relax, enjoy it, be free of any doubts and make the most of it.

    • #336689
      Anonymous

      i often wonder to myself if i am indeed crazy(not insane in as much as i would never harm another person or animal for that matter).

      i have such an internal struggle as to who/what i am that it seems to leave me in constant limbo. i have family responsibilities and personal urges that oppose each other and see no solutions in site

      • #336691
        Seren
        Baroness

        [postquote quote=336689][/postquote]

        feeling that especially atm. Sending virtual hugs and chocolate

        S x

    • #336708
      Anonymous

      Yes! Mine though aren’t as much in my fem side but thoughts pop up from my past! My struggle is with losses in my life. My greatest fear as I assume all of first responders is the fear of failure. I have failed! Also I failed in military. The counseling sucks..educated counselors but no experience in combat, fires or EMS!

      My CD and female side chill me out more than anything. Dressing in itself helps but my female side really does help me be me! I think that’s my wife endorses my fem side! As she has told me if you kept on the path from a few years ago..i would be alone!

      I have a few doubts about being a female at times but i love the serenity it gives me! My wife and i have been through a lot but with the work we both do and social isolation our stress is kinda high and we can be fussy! This am my wife told me my choice of dress was kinda slutty. I asked to help and she went through my drawers and helped! Our DIL is coming over and she has seen me a lot and approves but still not normal to be in stockings,  panties and camisole during the day even if i am doing clothes and vacuuming!  Yes I have doubts at time but I believe we all do!  I have grown a lot from this site..thanks everyone

    • #336891

      All. The. Time.

      -Jen

    • #336922

      All the time like many have said. Luv Stephanie

    • #336926
      DeLora
      Lady

      Yes, frequently!
      Although I have chosen to accept this aspect of myself and reveal it to my wife and sons I regularly have that cloud of doubt and shame descend upon me.

      “Why did I disrupt my family life with the frivolous feminine clothing obsession, I should just forget it and be a real man.”

      I used to find this very distressing, but I am getting better at dealing with it. In part because my wife and family are accepting of me, to some degree. I have the freedom to dress around the home, this allows me to explore this side of me and just live this side of me. I know this is an intrinsic part of who I am, this side is part of the complete me. I still have doubting days and I know it sounds trivial, but I have found that keeping my toenails polished in my favorite colour really helps. It is am having a doubting day I slip my socks off and there are my toes, reminding me that yep, this is real.

      Hugs,
      D.

    • #336952
      Anonymous

      Yes. I’m feeling the same. Sending hugs and chocolate too. Dark chocolate in moderation does not hurt the figure too much and is good for you too. Besides it helps with the girlish curves ❤️

    • #336970

      Yup! And that’s some really tough stuff to have to wrestle with.

      It’s like, how do you describe a sunrise to someone who’s never seen one?  Or try to explain and share with others about an inner feeling that makes you feel good?

      It’s definitely not easy, and unless you live all alone, or without the personal concerns of being caught or outed (and the “risk” that may come with that) then it’s probably safe to say that most have doubted or may still doubt themselves at some point.  Or worse, they doubt all the time.

      But here’s a few questions to ponder: is it wrong to wear corrective lenses to help you see things more clearly? Or should you refrain and continue to struggle to see?

      Or take a supplement that helps prevent painful leg cramps? Or choose to deal with the pain when an attack flairs up.

      Or how about enjoying an ice cream while watching a movie? Or, should you pass on it, but then wish about having it the whole time?

      If these harmless “things” offer someone pleasure or comfort, then why not allow yourself the benefit of that joy?  The answer I would bet is because of fear of the reaction from others… if I had to guess.

      And by way of a very simple example most everyone should be able to relate to: how about at the end of the day, any person wanting to change from their work/daily cloths, and choosing to put on a pair of sweatpants and comfy slippers.  Why did they want to do that?  To feel more relaxed and more comfortable, right?  So then what’s the difference with dressing?  The fabric, the colors, the look of it all?  Who cares!  Or should I say, who ‘should’ care?

      Perspective. Balance. Moderation. Understanding. Respect.

      If dressing can be accomplished without hurting yourself, or the one’s you care about, then how could it be wrong?  Why, because it’s “unconventional” or non-conforming to society’s “norm”?  Who made those standards? And why should you be forced to have to abide by them?  Now of course, good common sense and a little bit of practicality must come into play here.  Family, work, and friend situations should probably drive what you should do and what you shouldn’t do as well. As it’s said, there’s a time and place for everything.

      And wouldn’t it be so nice if all of those in each of our own inner-circles could better understand and realize, it’s all just clothing and “stuff”…but stuff that helps make you feel better.

      And I hate to bring up the 5000 pound elephant in the living room, but if dressing is important to you, and you don’t live alone or without concerns for others, then it is up to you to try and address this with those that you need to address it with.

      Yes, it can be, and may be, an uncomfortable and stressful conversation.  And yes, you may be met with resistance and repercussions, but that’s the reality that you will have to potentially face.

      However, there’s an old saying thrown about onboard ships: empty barrels make the most noise!

      If someone really loves you, then great things can be accomplished.

      Another saying also comes to mind: wish in one hand, and spit in the other; see which one fills up faster.

      The point: if you want change, then you need to do something to make change happen.

      I wish everyone good luck, good health and hope you all have a happy day!

       

    • #336991
      Anonymous

      New Member here.

      This is the type of information I was hoping to find on CDH. I doubt myself 3x a week minimum.

      I’m sad to hear that so many are doubting themselves, but I am happy to hear that I’m not alone.

      -Caroline

    • #337122
      Anonymous

      Cyn,
      First of all, I can’t rule out the possibility that one and all, we are a bit detached from reality (a polite way of saying crazy). Nevertheless, I’m more convinced with each passing day that I AM a CD; that I AM socially trans. I used to “know” that all CDs were gay and probably unbalanced, also…but since crossing to the other side, I keep remembering incidents from as far back as 2nd grade when I didn’t respond to a situation like a “real” boy would. Introduced to the game of football during recess, I took part for about 30 minutes before turning my back on it forever. Looking back, most of my playmates were girls; when a female classmate taught me how to dance at age 14, I went overboard with the activity, In my 30s, I remember the front office girl, who dressed like a fashion model, and whom I asked more than once where she bought them, because I wanted to buy my wife the same. In my 40s, when deployed to interesting places, my favorite activity was shopping for my wife and teen daughters.
      With 20/20 hindsight, I recall a dozen little things which meant nothing individually, but collectively confirm my real identity as a CD, I was a weird kid, now a weird adult; but weird or not, I AM a CD and a trans girl. So what?

      Hugs,
      Bettylou

    • #338945
      skippy1965 Cynthia
      Ambassador

      It always help to feel less isolated and to have others feeling the same as you.
      Cyn

    • #338947
      skippy1965 Cynthia
      Ambassador

      [postquote quote=336660][/postquote]

      Paulette- thanks for reading some of my older stuff ( this was originally posted in early 2016 and I re-shared it in early 2019 as I knew many o our newer members would likely not have seen it) and replying to it now. Writing is helpful to me in exploring my thoughts and feelings as well as hopefully helping others.
      Cyn

    • #356176

      Hi Cyn,

      Let’s see. Today is Thursday, so I can honestly say I haven’t doubted myself since Thursday.

      –>>Do you ever feel like you’ve been fooling yourself and maybe you’re not transgender but just crazy? <<–

      No. I have always felt crazy. Some days more than others. I never feel like I am fooling myself when it comes to dressing but during my entire life as an indoctrinated manly individual, I believe I did a fantastic job of fooling others.

      Hugs

      Autumn

    • #356221
      Stevie Steiner
      Managing Ambassador

      Fooling myself?  No.  I am lucky enough that I taught myself long ago not to bulls**t myself.  I find it pretty easy being honest with myself – I may not like the honesty, but I find it difficult to hide from myself that way.

      Have I been confused?  Oh sure, just like most of us.  That pretty much disappeared in my 30’s.  I do live with myself on a regular basis, 24/7 actually, so I have had lots of time to think about it.  I am quite certain about myself, it’s the rest of the world that confuses me.  Stevie is sane;  the world is wacko.

      And my craziness is a completely separate issue in it’s own right, totally unrelated to me being my real self. 😉

    • #356227
      Anonymous

      Yes. On a good day I am probably 95% confident, 5% doubting. On a great day, I am very close to 100%. Today is a great day in general, but my emotions are not in the good or great category. I talked to one of my daughters on the phone the other day. I sensed something in her emotions. It is triggering my feelings of rejection and fear of abandonment. That can set off the fall of dominoes in other areas of my life.

      My wife has Animal cards and Goddess cards and we pick one of each each morning. Today my Goddess card is Divine Passion and my Animal card is Surrender. Lately, no surprise, my passion is cultivating my inner female. And the Surrender card, maybe I need to surrender to my fears and doubts today! I have some wonderful meditation and hypnosis recordings that I plan to use later today. I know that I will be OK. Life has it’s cycles. Sometimes we need a good cry. Sometimes we need a some self care. Today, I feel like I need to give myself a big hug and tell myself everything will be fine. You can’t always depend on others to do that for you. And my inner girl needs a kiss on her cheek and needs to hear ‘I Love You.’

      Kay

    • #356240
      Anonymous

      I want to add to my previous post on this subject.

      I just went for a long walk this morning and thought about things. When you are doubting or off sometimes you just have to make some space for yourself and let the feelings be! My old male self felt like he had to fix everything. Fix the car, fix the broken appliance, fix everyone’s problems and emotions. So wrong in many ways! My cavemen brothers were out to fix the world with an iron fist. Oh please!

      As I said, I am having an off day today. I plan on listening to some meditation records today. I need to tell myself “there is nothing to fix, there is nothing wrong with you, you are good enough, you always have been good enough, relax and just be.”

      Kay

    • #356320
      Stevie Steiner
      Managing Ambassador

      Hi Kay!

      Hope your day is going better girl.  It’s okay to fix this car or an appliance if its broken.  It’s smart actually.  I took me a long time to accept I cannot fix everything, and it’s a job with no end in the world.  And there is no use fearing or fighting phantoms.

      Then I am always reminded of that age old saying:  If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it!

      Give yourself a pat on the back girl.

    • #356337

      When I first started dressing thoughts would swim around in my mind. An I unstable, am I transgender, is this an addiction? More and more of these questions would flood my mind to the point that I needed answers. I talked to my therapist about it and I got a very normal response. If it’s apart of you and makes you happy then do it. I love being a woman and want to explore my feminine side more. It brings me happiness I struggle to get. You aren’t crazy or in denial, your expressing your feminine side that you couldn’t as a kid.

      • #356389
        Anonymous

        Nick,

        Your post reminded me of an old tongue-in-cheek we should all remember:

        “Methinks the whole world is crazy, except me and thee, and I’m not so sure about thee”.

        Hugs,

        Bettylou

    • #356344
      Cassie Jayson
      Duchess

      Thanks Bettylou and to you Cynthia, for all the wisdom you and many here at CDH give to all of us.  The saddest part is that many of us only discover that for us to be happy is when the body is starting to wear out.  Now we cannot enjoy this as much as we could 10 or 20 or 30 years ago.  I am still in the closet to most only because I don’t want to be shamed ( I already am from my X and can’t talk about it with my kids- they don’t want to talk about it).  At 65 I still intend to work about 5 more years if my body holds up (partly because of finances).  I am not worried about losing my job because of CD but worried a little of humiliation.  But what the heck they will get over it.  Every month I care less and less what others think.

       

      Hey everyone keep up the good work.     Huggs  Sandy

      • #356388
        Anonymous

        Sandy,

        We have nothing to be ashamed of, no matter what others think of us; and every day, their opinions become less and less important.   Remember always that this thing of ours is neither illegal nor immoral, so hang in there, girl.

        Hugs,.

        Bettylou

    • #356351
      skippy1965 Cynthia
      Ambassador

      Well said Sandy. More and more I feel the same-screw what many people think. More people know about Cyn now than I ever thought would and the world hasn’t ended. My adult daughter isn’t thrilled and doesn’t wanna see or talk about it (which since she just has my first grandson makes me worry about whether she would cut me off) and I still have a decade plus of my working life to get through Though my company is fairly inclusive and committed to diversity so that might be ok. Not ALL my friends know-especially the crows at league pool though many suspect “something“
      Sincw my hair is my own and I wear my earrings and my clothes while not OBVIOUSLY so are indeed women’s slacks and polo shirts and there are at least two dozen there who know about Cyn. Still I hesitate to be fully open and openly feminine for fear of losing some or many of those people in my life or being ridiculed at all. I suppose only time will tell if I will throw caution to the wind and dress however I please whenever I please and wherever I please but I am more open about it than I ever dreamed possible when I first joined this site back in August 2015

      Thanks to all who continue to reply as it makes me remember that I am NOT alone even when I sometimes feel I am
      Cyn

    • #356494

      Hi Kay ,

      I understand how you feel .

      I have never had a huge confidence level and doubt my feminine side often but deep down inside I know thats who I am and I love it so much.

      We are all here to give you a hug anytime you need it sweety and tell you that you and your femininity are a gift to this world and we are glad you are with us in this journey.

      Patty

    • #359643

      Wow Miss Cnythia,

      That is very touching and well written. Not to mention that I relate on a real level.  Thank you for sharing your thoughts and your joy, your fears and your pain. I’m  encouraged to find that I’m nether alone nor crazy or a “less than”. Maybe the light at the end of the tunnel is not a train after all.

    • #359645
      skippy1965 Cynthia
      Ambassador

      Thanks Amanda! It’s always great to hear when something I’ve written resonates with someone and helps them in even some small way!!
      Cyn

    • #359698
      Kelly
      Lady

      Omg, this is beautiful, it’s so accurate to describe the way I feel inside. 😢 thank you for penning this.

      Kayla

    • #359710
      skippy1965 Cynthia
      Ambassador

      You’re quite welcome Kayla! I write fir two reasons-first to express my thoughts/feelings to help myself understand them better; and second in the hope that someone else can get something from them as well-even if that might only be one other person! If you ever want to read more of my stuff you Dan go to my profile page and at the bottom of the cover photo click on either “articles” or “forums” which will take you to a list of every article or forum topic I’ve started/written. Thanks again for your kind words!
      Cyn

      • #359725
        Kelly
        Lady

        Your writings are inspiring and impactful  to me, thank you again for sharing.

    • #363451
      Diana W
      Lady

      This really spoke to me, Cynthia.  I’m sure most of us can relate.  I also write poetry so I’m sure I’ll be writing about my new life soon.  Thanks for sharing this.

      • #421423
        skippy1965 Cynthia
        Ambassador

        Thanks Diana-I hope that anything I write speaks to even one person-if so then I count it’s as successful writing. Plus it helps me understand myself better!
        Cyn

    • #421383

      [postquote quote=356176]

      Yup, I quoted myself.

      I can do that. There’s a button 😉

       

      Cynthia,

      6 months later. 6 additional Covid months.

      Surprisingly fewer doubts even though my opportunities for dressing have been nearly non-existent. I have had some melancholy days. Most recently yesterday. I had been feeling in the dumps. I logged into CDH, checked my notifications felt a bit better. Made a post about how I was feeling in the forums just to let others who might be feeling the way I did know that they weren’t alone. Experienced wonderful glorious feedback from so many beautiful souls.

      Doubts.

      We all have them. We all have times when our feelings aren’t of the good kind. We fell sad sometimes. We feel disconnected and alone sometimes. Sometimes we don’t feel brave at all. Maybe a change of focus…….

      I want to concentrate on the things that I don’t doubt.

      I don’t doubt –

      My friends on CDH.

      Not ever.

      Thank you Cynthia for being there on my very first day, inviting me to the new members forum. You have to understand….. If you didn’t send me that message, I might not have gone to the new members forum, I might not have made my first post, I might not have gotten the positive feed back that I got from that post, and worst of all, I might not have stuck around.

      So thank you very very very very much!

      Hugs

      Autumn

       

      • #421422
        skippy1965 Cynthia
        Ambassador

        Thank you Autumn! I am glad to see this piece resonates with so many folks and also that my initial greetings and welcome make a difference to at least some folks.’
        Cyn

    • #421392

      “Do you ever feel like you’ve been fooling yourself and maybe you’re … just crazy?” Well, yes! All of the time. About everything. Sometimes I am right. Sometimes I think I must be crazy but find nothing insane about my behaviours or beliefs. Still, my doubts cause me to continuously reassess those beliefs. But I suppose that is a good thing because each time I become more convinced that what I do is not only sane but beneficial. It’s like in, “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy”:

      Arthur : All my life I’ve had this strange feeling that there’s something big and sinister going on in the world.
      Slartibartfast
      : No, that’s perfectly normal paranoia. Everyone in the universe gets that.

      Slartibartfast : Perhaps I’m old and tired, but I think that the chances of finding out what’s actually going on are so absurdly remote that the only thing to do is to say, “Hang the sense of it,” and keep yourself busy. …
      Arthur Dent : And are you?
      Slartibartfast : Ah, no.

      [laughs, snorts] 

      Slartibartfast: Well, that’s where it all falls down, of course.

      Araminta.

      • #421408

        Bravo!
        I’m well overdue for revisiting that series.

        RIP Douglas Adams

    • #421411

      I doubt all the time. Makes me curious enough to go digging deeper.
      Either I change my mind after learning something I didn’t know, or I confirm what I thought I knew and pat myself on the back for not being completely ignorant.

      I enjoyed the poem.

    • #421518
      Anonymous

      I have noticed lately others and myself having the sneaky feeling of doubt creeping back into our lives. Could be several reasons for this like Covid, the holidays, politics, the economy, work, family issues. Thankfully we have CDH and others to reach out to. Maybe it’s time for some self care and introspection. I saw a quote a while ago that went like this “It’s OK to not be OK.” Sadness, loneliness and self doubt happen to all of us. We all have these feelings, but we are not these feelings. I have struggled for almost 60 years with this, but we are not what others think of us. I know it’s hard, but that is their problem. Just a suggestion, but if you can’t dress, try to file your nails, put some nicer chapstick on your lips, take a hot bath, take a nap, meditate on your feminine feelings. We also need to stop comparing ourselves to others. I see a lot of women here on CHD and on youtube who are absolutely beautiful and obviously they pass with flying colors. We are not them. We are all on our own journey or path. We are beautiful in our hearts and at the end of the day, that is what counts.

    • #421537
      Anonymous

      I have had doubt about who I am all my life. Never really known. I think this past week has opened my eyes to who I am thanks to CDH and meeting like-minded people. I now know I am not truly alone and I have found my home.

      I do have doubts, I had doubts today, that I am in fact going slowly mad and that the female inside me is not true. However when I have purged the true me, I have felt depressed, anxious and constrained, which has made me feel unwell.

      I think I put too much pressure on myself to conform, so I can get on with people, when actually I should have had faith in myself and been me.

      I am lucky to have a therapist who I can spout all my secrets and neurosis to and has made me feel less anxious, guilty and more happy and freer. I am so grateful for her… (even though I have to remind myself I am paying her 😂😂) And now I have you amazing girls too xxxx

    • #421550

      I think a small, reasonable, healthy doubt is honest and keeps us in touch with ourselves. We sit outside the social norm. We are different in this world. Yet, we are social creatures. We want to belong and to conform and enjoy the comfort of groups. There is a tension there. I tell myself that I am allowed to be a wonderfully complex creature. Toxic doubt seems to be close to toxic shame. I am concerned about the people who have no doubt. They are the dangerous ones.

      I was just reading an article on Erickson’s eight stages of psychological development:

      trust mistrust
      autonomy shame/doubt
      initiative guilt
      industry inferiority
      identity confusion
      intimacy isolation
      generativity stagnation/ego
      integrity despair

      – Robyn xxoo

    • #421557

      Good lord yes. What you’re going through is perfectly normal. You’re doing something lierally life changing. You’d be crazy not to question your sanity.

    • #421574

      First off, that’s absolutely beautiful. That’s a gift to all of us. I imagine we all feel doubt sometimes. When friends and family say something they don’t know would hurt, when the SO asks “do you think this is just a phase?” Or just driving down the road one day and you think “I must be some kind of weirdo” just because the world was set up against us all.

      But then I remember when I’m shaving my legs just how really good it feels (barring any nicks,,,). Or when looking at wemens clothes on tv, walking around, or shopping. You know in your heart just then that no, you’re not crazy, you’re not wrong, you’re just you. You’re just being yourself. And if “those other people” can’t handle you, they’re the ones who need to get over it.

      So sayeth Bridgette…

       

       

    • #421821
      Stevie65
      Lady

      Dependes on you situation in life. Thats what it comes down to. You can be just starting out cding. Or you can just want to dress and not trans or could be in the full process of transition. Or you could be full transitioned and even being a transgendered and feel this. So it is all in the situation your at and what society bull craps is being spread around.

       

      By the way media on spreads hate because of their own insecurities and ignorant they are.

       

      Stevie

    • #421837

      Cynthia..
      Coincidently I was having one of tbose moments earlier today. What a moving poem. It captured my feelings this morning as I pondered my future and how to handle the cards I have been dealt. It occurred to me that everyone needs to be able to handle the cards they have been dealt. We are no exception there. Our circumstances may be different than most… but everyone has difficulties to deal with.

      I was feeling quite isolated and alone. I know other girls here feel the same. Covid has made that loneliness factor all too prevalent today. One of the cures is to come on line here and engage.. either in a forum or just by reading. It helps. But I do miss the opportunity to interact face to face with other girls like me.

      I’m so hsppy you reposted your poem. ZBeautofully expressed.

    • #421844
      Kathleen
      Duchess

      Hmmm…doubt…don’t we all doubt ourselves at times? I think it a natural self-check of what we are currently doing and thinking. As for whether or not this part of me Kathleen is real? OH yeah she’s been here for about 50 years now and ain’t going anywhere. Only took me about 30 of those years to figure this out. I’m far more peaceful and happy now as well as enjoying a perspective I never had as my strictly drab self. What wonderful complexity life can bring!

    • #455545

      Hello Cynthia!

       

         Very important issue you brought up! I Think perhaps the reason why we doubt ourselves is because of the standards that had been applied to us by the so called “norms” outside in our society. It makes us feel uncertain about ourselves and at those moments it is important to understand why it felt right for us from the very beginning to take this path as a crossdresser; because something inside you made it feel good when you did it and that I think is the indicator that you are on the right path. We do not bother anybody by doing it. Rather; others do it to us because I think they are so uncertain about themselves. Somebody who has any kind of understanding who they are, do not try to put somebody down. Also; the more we become the more seeds we set and surely but slowly it will become a sort of standard. The situation was much worse in the 50s and 60s and it has really progressed for the better; so it is on its way. Having said that; I know it is not easy sometimes and I think that all of you are incredibly brave!  

       

      • #455894

        Thank you for reading my comment; it felt nice! Kind regards, Peter.

    • #455550
      Anonymous

      Hello Cynthia nice to meet you people who aren’t like us will never understand how we feel and  why we are like we are. They do not have that inner feeling we have, most of this animosity comes from a generation that refuses to accept people are different. Thank goodness for the younger generation who can’t see a problem with us, we are on a life journey ignore the bigots welcome the new generation and see where our lives go.

      Love Sarah

    • #455788
      Katey Doe
      Lady

      Hi Cynthia,

      Years ago I did doubt myself at times. Now, not at all. Katey is the real me. I only have this male covering because of society is not ready to accept me as Katey. No, I don’t doubt who I am no longer. Thank you for posting this. Hugs – Katey.

    • #455796

      Dear Cynthia…

      I think that all of us have doubts! It’s certainly part of the human condition and I, for one, know full well those moments of doubt that can have a terrible effect on one’s life.
      I suffered from huge doubt about my head injury… often wondering whether I was, in fact, faking it! Faking the severity of injury as I could still function (or could I?).
      I have had moments of dark doubt about my becoming Polly. I liked my old drab self and the life he led… imperfect though it was. But… that person doesn’t exist anymore. As my wife said to me the other day “Brian died three years ago and Polly was born out of necessity later on”.
      However, doubt can be a useful tool as we can use it to check on how we are doing… coping with all those feelings, both good and bad and even solidifying our strength of feeling… towards who we are striving to be.
      So… raise a glass and shout…”here’s to doubt… do get out!”

      Polly IS Positive!

    • #455922
      Anonymous

      I no longer doubt the girl that lives in my soul, it’s me…. but I have to come to grips with living in a male body and the responsibility of being male towards my wife…

      I can try to look fem, and in some regards I’m successful, in others ways not so much… that’s where my doubts come In … appearance, mannerisms and the like 💖

    • #456199
      Anonymous

      Dear Cyn,

      Perhaps I’m weird…No, I know I’m weird; just not in the context being discussed here.
      A lack of self-confidence has plagued me all my life. No matter how well I may be performing a task – one I may have done dozens of times, or more, a simple word or negative expression can throw me into a panic attack and stop me cold. But Bettylou is different; I know absolutely who (and what) I am, and I have the Rhett Butler response for those who object:
      “Frankly, Scarlett, I don’t give a d**n”. (Not you, Scarlett; different lady, entirely).
      ** I did promise to keep Bettylou from the kids and wife’s friends.
      Hugs,
      Bettylou

    • #153762
      skippy1965 Cynthia
      Ambassador

      Thanks Samantha-I truly do still have some moments of doubt, but mainly only as to how far my journey will take me. I DO know I’m not going backward from where I am now!
      Cyn

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