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When I am Paulette it is as if a switch is thrown and my brain goes from “guy” mode to “girl” mode. I find myself naturally adopting feminine mannerisms in the way I sit, walk and my gestures. My tastes in films and music go from war movies and “oldies” to romantic comedies and love songs. I revert from reading Sci-Fi to romantic novels. Even my taste in wine goes from the ‘reds’ to the ‘whites’. I feel totally feminine! Now, I’m sure some ‘amateur psychologist’ would call this “Borderline Multiple Personality Disorder”. However, I think what really happens is when I open up the ‘dark dungeon’ (so many guys desperately try to keep locked), my feminine side is released to be her true self, and it is wonderful! I was wondering if any of you feel or have felt this way? Hugs to you all, Paulette
I don’t know what you’re talking about, Paulette: I always sort the cutlery by size and style when in sweats and t-shirt! 🙂
I actually just proved your point in skirt and heels while emptying the dishwasher.
On a positive note, I can reach the high shelves in heels!
I used to find the same effect
Over time girl-me and boy-me are just part of who I am – the two are merging together – in some ways I am more Alicen all the time whatever this new me is 🙂
When I crossdress I am just me having the chance to be fully femininely me.
Hi Alicen, Thank you for your insight. I am beginning to understand what you mean. I find myself in ‘boy’ mode being much more observant about fashion, makeup, etc. More importantly, my new-found femininity has made me a much more sensitive about the feelings of others. It has certainly made me a better spouse. Hugs, Paulette
“Stand back, PUNK! I’m about to go girly on ya and I’m packing missiles! And these two lovelies got your name on them!”
There really should be a crossdressing Marvel character.
Oh, for sure, Paulette! I get all Thelma & Louise once I finish my transformation! And sometimes I feel the strength of the stoic Bionic Woman 👩 or the sinister cunning of Glenn Close in Damages.
And sometimes I like to sing and dance like Agnes or Lady Gaga.
And I feel soooo free and me!!
🤗 Barb 💃💃
Hi Paulette!
Hey, relax, as CDs, we have one personality with two blended parts, male & female, at least that is my unprofessional opinion. I saw someone bandy about a term like “dissociative identity disorder” in another forum. Whew, that’s Ph.D. theoretical stuff. So, back to the real world of being a CD. Oh, yes, it is a rush, a.k.a. the Pink Fog, when we get all dolled up! Our brains sort of shift into female mode. The lipstick goes on, and you slip your tootsies into your heels. Oh honey, now your brain is burning up in hyper-female overdrive!
Actually, even in guy-mode, I view many people, places, and things, as a female would, I.E. it is part & parcel of my one personality.
When in female mode, we should have at least a minimal “switch” thrown in our head, such as our walking mannerism. Ladies walk like ladies, guys stride down the street like guys.
I was in a “support group” years ago, where the group deteriorated to the members doing guy stuff, looking like guys, acting like guys, and sounding like guys. Since there was no support any longer for female issues, I left the group.
Paulette, I would say you are just finding your way along this fantastic journey of cross dressing. You are in the right place, among your lady friends, so just keep talking away to your CDH girlfriends.
Hugs from Peggy Sue
Peggy Sue…can I just say….I love your pictures…so natural xx
Hi Peggy Sue, You read me like a book. Though I am a ‘senior’ by all definitions I have only been back crossdressing for about four years. In my recent journey I subscribed to some transgender forums and was shocked to see how many members were miserable, confused and conflicted. Thats not for me! I am very comfortable being Paulette, and as you say I find myself seeing more and more from a female perspective regadless of the clothes I have on. Frankly it’s a great feeling! Thanks so much for your advuce. A big hug, Paulette
Paulette when I dress I feel so feminine and as time goes by the femininity stays with me even in guy mode. I don’t know how to explain it but it feels good.
Hugs, Liara
I had those thoughts and in time I realised that I had a stronger female side than male. I feel that my guise is actually the real person. The ‘male’ traits are still there but glide effortlessly into the female and happily co exist into one.
Can I have my psychology degree please…
🥇grade A pass 🥇. xx
Hi Paulette i have the same feeling when ever I’m Roz ,
I seem to be more relaxed and peaceful than my male self, it as if I’ve just Turned a switch on , my masculinity as suddenly disappeared and my femininety as kicked in,
Hugs Roz X
That should say Has Disappeared and Has kicked in, lol XX
Hi.
I must admit, I think my brain is well cooked!!!….I live as grace 100% of the time when not at work. It’s simply shop to live as grace…even when I need drab…it’s still grace doing the shopping..sorry, I’m just a hopless case..
Grace xx
Yes very much so. I have surprised myself at how far and deep it changes my mindset and wanting to experience what it really must be like. I have crossed that proverbial line in the sand, then drawn up a new one pushing me further….rinse and repeat over and over and over and…
Paulette,
I completely relate in the fact that I would resort to my manliest music, movies. Etc. everytime I tried to suppress my feminine side. While I still enjoy masculine hobbies and such, I have integrated more and more of my feminine side and interests into my life. Even as I keep Candice private to mostly everyone, the feminine door is hard to close once you open it! I think it’s beautiful that ladies like us get to have this unique perspective!
Wishing you the best!
-Candice
Hi Girlfriend as wife says alot she can see the femme traits coming out in me more as time goes by .. Sitting and watching a movie and the tears start as a sad scene comes on the screen .. She says she can tell when Stephanie needs to come over as Hubby is a bit more grumpy wife says to go find Stephanie i need to talk to her about your attitude ha ha the girly side takes over and everything is ok again it helps being Stephanie to sooth the drab feelings i get ..
Stephanie
Hi Paulette, yes, I can understand completely. The longer I stay dressed the more I can seem to feel that I’m walking differently (with or without heels), holding myself differently – my hand, arms, etc, , even thinking differently. I’ll watch shows on tv/cable/service that I’d never consider even glancing at when I’m in male mode. Even my eating habits tend to change. I’ve considered that BPMD, but I really don’t think that’s it. I just don’t think there’s been enough research (that is…serious research) into what we face in our lives. Maybe someday….
I fully understand what you are saying Paulette. I have similar experiences when Requal can make an appearance.
I would guess that you have been athenizing (feminizing) for some time, perhaps decades, and have developed an identifiable, feminine persona, that you exhibit when circumstances allow.
To have multiple personalities is normal. You exhibit one ‘face’ (‘persona’ is Greek for ‘face’) to a teacher, a police officer, a religious figure, your mother, your employees, etc. Personalities are modifiable and interchangeable but they have to develop and are shaped by numerous factors generally simplistically portrayed as ‘nature’ and ‘nurture’. Hormones and endorphins modify behaviour. Social values and pressure modify behaviour. It can be complicated. Your testosterone can create such a strong, masculine drive that requires a more-than-usual degree of femininity and one way to acquire that femininity is to create it within one’s self. But there usually has to be the initial, motivating instinct. And it can become enthralling.
You may find that your feminine persona will tend to ‘bleed’ into your masculine person and the two genders interact in ways that modify each other. Even ladies can enjoy a robust claret.
Minerva.
Hi Araminta, Actually, though I will be 74 on Thursday, I have only resumed crossdressing about four years ago (after a fifty year hiatus). I think your perspective is quite accurate. The Roman god Janus had two faces, not just because he was the god of duality, but also the god of beginnings, endings and transitions. That says a lot to me. In my opinion ‘duality’ not only reflects the ability to look forward and backward at the same time, but the ability to accommodate our masculinity and femininity without conflict. But as you say, so many external factors come into play (both physical and societal), that the purity of ‘duality without conflict’ is many times lost, and that’s a shame. Hugs, Paulette
I love the process. on a “full-on day,” I would have shaved or depilated my whole body, plucked my eyebrows, moisturized. Oddly, makeup comes first. The last shave, the foundation, the powder. The lips have to be next, the lashes, the eyes……and then to choose,y natural hair curled, or a wig.. Done with makeup, I stop. Get a coffee. watch the news. I wait an hour I take a deep breath, go to my dressing area, turn on the light…….and I see her! She smiles back in the mirror, and I almost hear “miss me?” we trade places, and she takes over from there while my male side watches.
I find it sensual to watch her slip on stockings, step into shoes, Hitch the bra, and squeeze into a cute dress. I spend the rest of my day marveling and wishing for a way to have her stay.
I almost hear a small voice asking, “can we keep her?’
.
As I have discovered Lara later in life I’m a little bit different. I don’t really feel as split as most of the gurls here are describing it. We are stumbling through a lot of new feelings. Looking back, I’ve always “gotten something in my eye“ when watching the the chick flicks with my wife. I think Lara has been with me in other ways my whole life too. I never fit in with the guys exactly, still don’t really. Still socially awkward. The attraction to sports for most guys still baffles me too.
I’m not sure if both the feminine, and masculine sides have been closer for me most of my life, or if the feminine side is just coming more to the surface now.
one thing is for sure. I’m very happy to have found this lovely place.Going to slip into some stockings, and heels now,
❤️ Lara
Hi Lara, Great insight! You touched on something that really is on the mark, that being guys have a feminine side but most try to suppress it to where there is little room for tenderness. Maybe if more of us would let the girl out, at least from time to time, there would be less turmoil in the world. Hugs, Paulette
I fall in your camp Lara, same me, just a different (and happier) wrapping! You have me covered in the rest of your post as well. Thanks, Kate
Paulette,
I totally agree. I am so different when I am Kristen. I can relate to everything you said! I love being Kristen more than I do my drab self.Wow Maria, I almost got turned on just hearing you describer your routine. But you are right, when I go through the process of becoming Paulette it is a sensual thing- not sexual, but really sensual in a way only woman can feel. Hugs. Paulette
I too feel the same way as you at times. I asked my therapist if I suffered from multiple personalities. Her response was No. I have found a side of me that I love to express and putting a name to the feelings, Amber, allows me to make it more real and embrace me/her.
Be safe. Love and Peace.
Amber
Hi Amber, It sounds like your therapist is one smart lady! I feel we so often try to put everything into nice neat cardboard boxes, when in actually life is so fluid it can’t be boxed up. The ability to express yourself without feeling guilt or shame is in my opinion the epitome of good mental health. Hugs, Paulette
Paulette, your thoughts made me smile. Thank you. Ah, yes the morphing or perhaps better described as the revealing changes me in this way. Perhaps like a butterfly emerging from its cocoon; the rose from the bud, upon dressing I am able to reveal the feminine that is there all along, not as something foreign or absurd to me, but as someone I am truly meant to be.
To be sure I love the emotions unloosed and the feminine energy released by something as subtle as facial skin care or spritzing perfume. Never mind full dressing. But then don’t we all love this? Is this not at least in some way, to some degree why we dress, risking exposure and it’s inherent negative consequences? I think so.
I love having a feminine essence. Though fraught with challenges I have no desire that I ever lose it or be “cured.” I appreciate my own unique womanhood. Though packed away in the bud of maleness at the moment, just the thought of having the potential in heart to willingly embrace and live out my own femininity when the time is mine to blossom excites me. Yes, feminine expression in whatever form I find for that expression changes me mentally and emotionally into a person I find much easier to love and who I long to be 24/7.
I can not explain it any better than that, but if one has experienced it no more explanation is needed. It is one of those things in life that can not adequately be explained, it simply needs to be experienced.
Kindly,
Charlene
Hi Charlene, That was so eloquent I am speechless. I truly believe you have captured, in a few paragraphs, what others have been failed to do in their books and studies. And if anyone ever tells you getting in touch with your feminine side is ‘abnormal’, tell them to take a good look at the world today- that’s abnormal! A big hug, Paulette
Oh yes, I already start to feel like a lady when doing my makeup and when dressed I am a woman; even change my voice a little…all just a good warm inner feeling!
Bonjour Helene, You really got me to thinking. I said when I became Paulette it was like “throwing a light switch”, but as you describe it it is more like sliding a dimmer switch where the light becomes brighter and brighter. That is a much more accurate description. By the way, I am sure my last name is not lost on you. Câlins et bisous, Paulette
Hi, Paulette.
I did find a had that switch, and to a small degree still do, but I have found that over time, as I become more Regine, that the two have merged, quite seamlessly, to become who I am, Me.
Hugs, Regi👸💖Hi Regine, I am beginning to realize the truth in what you are saying. It really is not an “on/off” switch as much as it is the mixing of two colors to get a new and more beautiful one. Thank you for your insight. Hugs, Paulette
Hello Paulette,
For me, switching into “Jill mode” doesn’t change much for me or in me. But at the same time, I have to say that I’ve never been Jill for more than an hour maybe, not counting sleeping in one of my nighties or nightgown. Maybe if I could be Jill for much longer periods of time and more often, I’d see and feel the kind of difference you feel. Who knows?
But I enjoy the feeling of embracing my feminine side, of dropping the tough, macho guy pretense and dressing up even if there isn’t much difference between my two halves. My siblings all refer to me as “the nice brother” and my dad says that I have my mother’s gentle nature. Maybe that’s why I don’t feel like I’m that different from guy mode to girl mode, because I’m already a gentler type of guy.
Hugs, Jill
Hi Jill, I think more guys need to embrace their feminine side more. They would probably be a lot happier (and I suspect treat their SOs a lot better. I know I have). I have only recently been able to spend more time as Paulette. I find the longer I am her, the more relaxed and self-assured I become. I guess in some ways she is my therapy when I feel depressed or stressed. Lots of hugs, Paulette
Welcome to the club Paulette.
Liberated your feminine side from the deep dark dungeon locked away by a societal stereotype of what we are conditioned to be.
❤️Bianca
I do exactly the same thing, it’s even noticeable to others…especially those that know about Haley. It’s like I become a different person immediately. I get it totally!
Haley😘
Hi Haley, and what is great about what you say is when we become that different person she is in many ways a better person. What is even greater is that better person carries over when I am not Paulette. Hugs, Paulette
Well, not sure about better…maybe truer? Haley and her special girlfriend went out for dinner, drinks and dancing last week, and she told me that in the 12 yrs she has known me, she has never seen a truer me! I loved that❤️
Haley😘
I cross my legs in the feminine manner even while in guy mode. I’ve always liked the Broadway musicals, and I show more emotions than my wife. I still like my sci-fi/ fantasy books regardless, as does my daughter. So I don’t really associate that with a gender. More and more I find myself walking rather feminine. If I could ditch all my guy clothes today, I would. Maybe a Viking burning boat with all those drab clothes would be cool. bon voyage to my maleness. Hugs Katie
Hi Katie, I know exactly what you mean. I notice more and more I seem to be adopting feminine mannerisms when I’m in ‘guy’ mode. I too find myself crossing my legs in a feminine manner or making very feminine gestures. And, I must admit I am not making much of an effort to correct it. Hugs, Paulette
Hi Paulette……………I feel pretty much the same way. I like your dungeon analogy. Yes……….every guy has a “Dark Dungeon” with their girl side screaming to be let out.
Hi Karley, yes most guys keep their feminine side locked away, and the fact they don’t let her have some freedom to be herself is to their disadvantage! A big Thanksgiving hug, Paulette
Paulette,
You have such a wonderful perspective on our feminine side…For now I am balancing my alter egos 60-40 Feminine side lol… nothing like vacuuming with heels and short skirt…and I watch the seasonal hallmark movies… if you ever saw the movie “ League of their Own” .. I still shed a tear when the sisters hug each other as they meet each after a few years apart… love your article thank you.
LeonaraHi Leonara, I think the two of us need to put on our pearls, our 50’s swing dress, and our high heels and do just that- vacuum the house! If it was good enough for June Cleaver I’ll bet it will work for us! Have a wonderful Thanksgiving. The biggest hug, Paulette
I am getting excited just thinking about this! I am going to get a special outfit to wear on cleaning day!
Hi Paulette!
I feel exactly the same, exactly!
Why?
My take:
I believe my female self is – sit down – the soul/spirit/essence of my male self’s vanished twin sister who decided not to cross the veil…
Heavy, huh?Medically it has been known for many years that viable twins suddenly become non-viable in the womb: they die sometime before birth for many reasons.
What happens to that twin physically after death? Sometime the fetus is absorbed by the body. Sometimes it is birthed as fetal tissue, sometimes even with hair and teeth. And sometimes it is absorbed by the viable twin. This is all established medical fact.
But what happens to that vanished twin’s soul/spirit/essence…?
Some choose to pass through the veil. But some may choose to stay in this life, choosing to stay with the viable twin, being a possessed soul.
In my case, as Jules, I believe I chose to stay with my brother, my male side for the same reasons I choose to be his sister in the first place. This is deep again, but I believe (as do many others) that we choose the life we want to live, and choose the circumstances that will give us the best chance of evolving towards the light. In the spirit world or Heaven, I believe my soul, Jules’ essence choose to live this live with her brother, protecting and loving him. So, why wouldn’t I choose to stay and live this life with him…?
For me it’s as if I have one life born in the wrong body, and the other born in the correct one. This is why I believe I have always been part of my male self’s live, and why when dressed I’ve always felt 100% woman.
All very deep, I know. But that said, I believe many (most?) answers to why we CD lay in the spiritual realm.
🙏🏼
JulesHi Jules, Yes it is very deep, but as someone who wanted to be a psychologist specializing in the paranormal (before the engineering field drew me back) I am certainly not one to dispute what you have so eloquently stated. A big Thanksgiving hug, Paullette
Yes, I believe there is sooooo much more, so much…😇
Sorry for the super delayed reply… Seems I struggle with navigating and notifications on this amazing CDH site.
So I hope your Thanksgiving “was” wonderful, girlfriend! Mine was as well!
💖💖💖
Jules
PS engineering…? Mine, or should I say my guy self’s as well: Ocean Engineering..
This is a good place to share something I heard of years ago in a different venue that relates.
This person was married for20 years, and his wife passed away. When he got through his grief and wanted to clear out heer attire, He felt an urge to try on a blouse of hers. He got a strangely good feeling, and kept going, even to her makeup.. it was the first time he had ever dressed en femme. He sat in front of a mirror, and she appeared to him. They spoke, she reassured him it was ok, and once a week he then dressed in her stuff, made himself up, and visited. It was amazing to hear her speak. He took his wife’s middle name as his own.
I’ve had similar experiences, Paulette.
Paulette, I’m not sure I feel the changes you describe, as I have always been more on the feminine side and rarely exhibit the machismo more common in the males in my family.
In my youth, bullies would call me gay. Although, I’ve never been physically attracted to men. I just have a softer side that has been predominant.
Dressing as Raquel allows me (in private) to see that part of me. Going out en femme (when my wife is not around) allows me to show that part of me to the world.
It feels good just writing this.
Thanks for the thoughtful post.
Much love,
RaquelHi Raquel, while I suspect in was hard for you when you were young, you have something many of the rest of us girls would love to have, the ‘natural’ ability to feel feminine, yet maintain your masculine identity. As I have said before in this forum I really think the world would be a much better place if men could only learn to embrace their feminine side more. Instead most of us restrain it to a point where we, in many ways, overcompensate in less than desirable ways. Thank you so much for your insight. Hugs, Paulette.
Yes, overcompensation is rampant. Men associate feminine attributes with weakness and avoid anything that resembles compassion.
Hi Paulette,
this is what I thought would happen but it’s weird, other than the clothes and unless I try to do something in a more feminine way, I don’t feel any different other than more comfortable and happy. Then again a lot of my manly ways were uncomfortable and foreign feeling to me anyway so maybe this is just me being me whatever that is.
— Abbie 🥰
Hi Abbie, it sounds like you have been aware of your feminine side for some time. So many of us “guys” try to suppress it when it is a normal manifestation our true selves. I find things becoming less of a “switch on-switch off” situation to where I find myself gently fading between my guy and Paulette natures. And that feels good! By the way, I am so impressed by your SO. It is apparent she loves you very much and wants to understand more. I just wish more wives felt that way. The great thing I have learned in my short time here at CDH are the girls are helpful and supportive beyond measure! A Big Arizona Hug, Paulette
I appreciate all your comments concerning “Do You Feel This Way”. You have given me a plethora of information, much of which I am just beginning to process. Your wonderful perceptiveness made me realize that as I grow as Paulette it is no longer a matter of a “switch on-switch off” experience, but rather a slow exquisite fade from my masculine nature to being Paulette. In fact, I am realizing more and more it may even be more than that. Perhaps it is really like mixing two colors to come up with an even more beautiful color. You girls and your insight are the best! Hugs to you all, Paulette
Sorry I did not read earlier. Sci-fi/ movie buff. Beware “ the monsters of the id “, from Forbidden Planet. P.S. don’t take the intelligence boost.
My Poor Krell! After a million years of shining sanity. they could hardly have understood what was destroying them!
Paulette
Just reading this and I definitely know what you mean by switching to female mode – I have very similar feelings when I dress. Of course it’s hard not to move differently when in high heels. That is probably where moving with a feminine gait started for me, and I’ve noticed I hold my arms and hands differently too when walking in heels. It feels right. I also feel totally femme when I curl up on the couch to binge to watch Queer Eye or a fashion documentary…
Yes Paulette, the feminine mannerisms come out more natural. The walk, hands posture, constant smile brings more confidence resulting in better acceptance in public. It is s nice to be feel treated special when a store clerk, makes an effort to salute you in a gentle manner with a smile or the the same gentleness when being served a coffee.
Around the house, I see myself being more delicate at everything I do. I appreciate even more what women go through every day and gain the respect they deserve.
I don’t change personality, but I do feel more at ease when in Cerys mode.
If I’m out and about, I act slightly differently, but that’s more to not draw attention to myself. I’m me. A man in a dress.
When in man mode, I’ll put on a pair a jeans and a casual shirt and be done with. In Cerys mode, it can take me 30 minutes to get dressed. Deciding what to wear can take ages. The whole outfit from head to toe, including jewellery has to be perfect. Other than my wedding ring and watches, I don’t wear jewellery in man mode.
When dressed I’m still me, but far more stylish, and worried about how I look. Cerys has to look great!Cerys
Hi Cerys, I know what you are saying. I am getting ready for a big Las Vegas trip as Paulette, and the time and effort I am taking is MANY times more than my male counterpart who would just throw a few things in a bag. And frankly it’s fun planning and choosing wardrobes. I know I will be taking five times what I need, but that’s a girl’s prerogative I guess! Hugs, Paulette
Happy Easter girl, you hit the nail on the head. What you wrote is exactly what happens to me. And watching myself in the mirror transform from a very drab looking guy into a pretty girl is so exciting. This excitement is as strong now as it was 55 years ago. Talking about multiple personalities, it is kind of true, I’ve Tod my wife more than once there are two people sharing this body, Trish and her male counter part. Both with different personalities, tastes, likes and dislikes and how they treat people. Thanks for the post Paulette.
Trish ❤️
Happy Easter Hon! I find Paulette being more and more a part of me, and frankly that has helped me become a lot more mellow! I really wish you could join us in Las Vegas in a couple of days. It looks like the group is growing in size. I will drop you a line to let you now what is going on. Luv ya, Paulette
I used to switch from male mode to female and back again with no problem. I could prance around the house in a skirt than switch to male mode and rough house with the guys very easily.
Now when I get out of the dungeon that you speak of I feel as though I never want to go back. And that if circumstances were different I could happily live out the rest of my life as AnnaBeth. Now I’m not sure if I answered your original question🤷♀️AnnaBeth
You certainly did AnnaBeth. I find the line between Paulette and my other self has vanished and now I flow between the two as if they are one. And frankly I enjoy it thoroughly. I don’t really know if I could do it full time (even though I lived full time as girl for almost eight months in the late 1960s). Today it is much more effort to get my ‘stuff” together to look presentable and I just don’t know if I have the energy to do it every day! (LOL) Many Hugs, Paulette
Thanks Bobbisue, I am learning that my feminine side has made me much more appreciative of women, especially my wife. I know what you mean about fashion sense. I find myself being much more observant and complimentary of women. By the same token I notice women who don’t really seem to care about their appearance. It troubles me since I figure, they have a lot more to work with than I do, so why aren’t they even trying! Hugs to you, Paulette
Hi Bobbi, it sounds like you are living a life most of us girls would love to lead. I too love the cleaning, washing etc., much to the pleasure of my wife! (However, I told her I was going to slow down unless she got me a maid’s outfit.) And I agree with you about the Chardonnay. My favorite as well! Many hugs, Paulette
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