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I read this “Struggling with my identity !” post by Chloé Jane and been thinking a little about it. I think that here at CDH it’s a lot of people who doesn’t really know what to identify as, and I’m no exception. I started writing this as a private message to Chloé but figured it fit better as a forum post.
While I’m mostly present as male and have no desire to do a full transition to female I’m not so sure what I want to do with Kelly, how far do I want to go in 5/10 years. I don’t feel I have that much of dual personality, when Kelly is out I don’t change behaviour, what I like or so – I stay pretty much the same. So where does that put my on the alphabet soup of gender identity?
One thing I try is to consider a couple of “what if” scenarios as to what would it be like if in 10 years I did X or Y, would that make me happy?, would it make my wife happy? What about everyone else around me?
I know some may say “go with whatever makes you happy and don’t worry about the others” but I can’t ignore people around me and if I make them unhappy I become unhappy also.What if I started dress full time. 24/7, came out to every one and so on.
– dunno. It’s not that I would give up my male side since it’s not that much of it to start with but I feel it could be hard with the stigma when meeting people I only know a little and then also have to tell everyone “no, I’m not transitioning to be a women, I just dress like one”Stop everything. Purge, close and turn my back to Kelly and all that goes with that.
– no, that would definitely not make me happy. I been thinking what if my wife put that ultimatum on me? While I love her and so on I know I wouldn’t be able to stop in the long run so as hard as it would be she would loose then. (Now luckily she not only allows it, she even allow Kelly dressed in house with her and occasionally we go out to stores or so together)So, something in between, sometimes Kelly is out full time for some days followed but nothing or just underdress.
– that’s pretty much where I am right now. I feel I want to come out to more people starting with my closest family (only wife and kids know) and I have hope to be able to do that this Christmas when we meet.
I think as time goes I may be out as Kelly more (places, people) but my male side will not disappear.So where does that put me on the male/female/transwomen/cd/non-binary/… scale? I don’t know and to be honest I don’t think it matters whatever label I would put on me. I mean, if you tell most people on the street or whatever that you are “genderqueer”, “non-binary”, “bigender” or anything other than male/female I think that unless they are engaged in communities like LGBT* the interpretation of that specific label would differ for each person. And to complicate things even more any specific label changes meaning over time. Just take “gay” which today seems to (mostly) mean homosexual male. I’m listening to Agatha Christie and there I have the impression that a gay person is a fun “free spirited” person (or place) who enjoy life and definitely nothing to do with homosexuality.
Remember we are all born as unique individuals but grow up to become copies of someone else. I don’t know who I copied but it’s definitely not the macho guy or the barbie doll. I’m in to technical stuff so there is what’s normally considered male stuff but beyond that I feel it’s a mix of lot from both sides.
/kt
I would not worry about a label Kelly. I decided to give up hiding some twenty five years ago and am now in my sixties. All I wanted to do was dress as a woman as simple as that. Like you I came out and that eased the pressure. It was pivitol to my progress. I never made any plans and allowed myself to develop as circumstances allowed. I have always had a very feminine nature so the image and persona are compatable.
I use simple labels if someone asks how I see myself. I mostly use Trans as I feel that it is a term that would help them understand. I could say I am a crossdresser but I am dressing the way I want to and the only way I am cross is if I rip or tear a dress.
Without getting into the wider issues I would say I am a feminine person.
Hi Kelly
As Angela said – drop all the labels and just be happy being you.
We are all unique and individuals – you have no need to be graded against anyone else and only need to be comfortable being you .
There is no prize for going out the most, or rushing into transitioning . The only thing that matters is being your self.
I am just ‘Me’ is the way I look at it and drop all the alphabet soup of abbreviations and the like which only put you into a ‘box’ that you may fit today, but not necessarily tomorrow.
hugs
Dawn
Hi Kelly there is only on label you should wear and that is my name is Kelly, people are always trying to put you in a box and put a label on you, boxes are for shoes and labels are for clothes not people, me at this time in my life I’m just a man who likes to wear women’s clothes, if i was single i might consider exploring my feminine side a lot more,
Hugs 🤗 Roz X
That should say one label X
I identify as myself who really likes the feel of feminine clothes, I have been dressing in women’s clothing since I was 4 or 5, I had 3 girl cousins who would get into the stored clothing in my grandma’s house where I and my mother lived for 7 years after my first step father died. If I wanted to play with them I had to do what they did and dressing was one of the things, these were clothes my mammaw and mother had worn back in the ’20’s & ’30’s & ’40’s, my father was in the Navy at Norfolk VA and so my mom had some really fancy clothes and furs and us kids had lots to play with. Fast forward to the’60’s & ’70’s and I was in the AF, was on my own and had an apartment off base so I played with all sorts of things including feminine clothing.
Again forward and out of the AF and back home, dating the girl, whom I eventually married and loved for 42 years until she died in 2013 from colon cancer. She found out I dressed and for a while she enjoyed it as well, it was a verboten activity for a country mountain girl who was exploring new things I was introducing her to. But things changed and we fell out of the habit of playing together, over the next 30 years I purged enough clothes from being caught, tiring of trying to keep it hidden to whatever that if I had the money now I would be comfortable as the wealthy say.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that I enjoy dressing and wish I had someone who would dress with me, feminize me or force me and we would enjoy each other. It is damned lonely out here by myself, so, dress like you want and call yourself what you want and just be happy as you can.Identify as you, honey, that’s the best possible result.
Take small steps – you’re right, coming out to everyone could be seismic, and wouldn’t work for everyone.
Look at it more as what you’d like to do next – improve the makeup? Go out somewhere? Find a dress, wig or outfit that’s a bit more you?
Labels are so unimportant to me, and so I just present as I feel – and people get it, on the whole.
Recently, I’ve had people I’ve never met, burly, rasping, Scottish men, beautiful, honey-tongued blonde women, defend what I do entirely unprompted.
They ask what I would like to be called, and Laura is my answer.
But only when en femme!
Love Laura
I agree that putting a label isn’t required or even a good thing but I still wondering where this will take me. What will Kelly be like in 5/10/15 years?
I’m partly wondering about it because as I tell other people about it I expect them to ask me about it, where do I plan to go with it and so on. Guess I just have to tell them the truth – I don’t know.
/kt
As for me Wen I started on CDH I called myself a crossdresser only. I was underdressing when off work. I now underdress 24/7 and fully dress as opportunity presents itself. Now I have gone out fully dressed several times and even went out for a little over 2 days as Cassie full time. I also have looked a little into hrt so I am definitely somewhere on the trans line . Where exactly varies from day to day.
. . CassieAlong time ago I learned that the American Indian in their culture that they used the term of being of two sprites that how I indentiy myself as
I looked into two spirit a while ago, and found an impassioned plea from a native American for people outside of the culture not to use the term, because it means something special to them beyond merely male and female spirits in a single body.
My argument is that “Two Spirit” is an English language term, and so does not mean exactly the same thing.
As long as the title is still embodied in the original language, nothing is taken from the tribal traditions and cultures – because the English translation can only be loose.
However, it’s worth being aware of the full history and depth of the term – and that the originators aren’t all happy to share it.
https://indiancountrytoday.com/.amp/archive/8-misconceptions-things-know-two-spirit-people
Love Laura
I like “femme of centre”.
Picture a scale. Way over on the left at -10 is Wolverine, dripping testosterone and sweat, over on the right at +10 is Paloma Faith in something pink and frilly. Bang in the middle is “normal”, whatever the hell that is.
V
-10 -9 -7 -6 -5 -4 -3 -2 -1 0 +1 +2 +3 +4 +5 +6 +7 +8 +9 +10Question – how far femme of centre are you? Me? +3, maybe +4 on a bad day.
You?
Connie
xxx
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