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We all have our ups and downs and I guess I’m feeling quite down right now. I’ve had quite a liberating two months, but now doubts are starting to come back and the feeling of shame is knocking at the door. Not sure how to move on…
A bit of (quick) history…
As many of you, I first started dressing up as a kid…probably around 8-9. I had this feeling that I was meant to be a girl. I remember distinctly thinking…”Well…I have blond hair…I must then be a girl!”. LOL…it’s childlike thinking but I can’t help but think that even as a kid…I knew something was off. Well..then came the day my mother ”caught” me dressed up in my sister’s clothes…along with pantyhose and underwear. Well…I didn’t get slapped like I sometimes would…but at dinnertime, my mom made a point to highlight to everyone (dad, 2 brothers and 2 sisters) that she had caught me wearing my sisters clothes. I pathetically tried to find a reasonable excuse…but this public embarrassment hit home and I still remember the snickers around the table. I never told anyone else about my interests until last month (I’m 50 now!)
As an adult, I did explore a little. A few times a year, I would dress up in my girlfriends clothes. I sometimes bought stockings just for me and wear them under my clothes. Almost every time, I felt shame afterwards and dismissed it as simply fantasizing about women through the clothes I wore. ”It’s just a fetish…nothing more!”. Yet the secrecy prevailed.
In the internet age…I started watching videos (yes…I will admit…porn) and was excited and interested in all things Trans. Again…thought of it as a fetish. Imagined myself with a Transwomen…Imagining myself dressed up, with breasts…etc….all the time thinking…it’s just curiosity. But never admitting it to others or sharing this part of my life.
I have been married twice…had other girlfriends, some more open than others…but I never felt comfortable sharing this part of my fantasy. My best friend since highschool (we’ve been friends for over 35 years now!) has been my rock. We share almost everything. He knew more about me than anyone else…and yet only came out to him last month about my ”fetish”. I dipped my toe in the water by letting him see a picture of me in heels and stockings and explaining that wearing such things was exciting. He was super supportive and even asked me about where I would buy such things, if I had gone in public and how far I was ready to go with this. I didn’t have an answer.
Since last month, I’ve bought so much clothes and shoes that I’m finding it hard to hide them. I’m contemplating building a hidden compartment in the back of storage room in the basement where no one goes. Working from home, I’ve dressed up for the whole day (a first for me) and just feeling pleasure in being a women for a little while. I’ve come to the realization that this ”fetish” is not sexual in nature…per say…since I enjoyed being dressed up even without getting ”excited” over it. I’ve even gone out, very late at night and went ”public” (walking around an empty parking lot..going to the ATM at the bank, etc). But now…I’m at a point I’m not sure where to go…
These past few months have been liberating…yet absolutely stressful. I am still WAY back in the closet so to speak. My wife has absolutely NO idea. Talking with her about sex, fantasies and fetishes tells me that she is not open minded at all and would simply freak out. Now…I’m starting to feel shame about my latest adventures and scared of being discovered by my family (FCK…I’m almost in tears realizing how I’m scared of going through what I went through as a kid…but as a grown adult!). I have so much to loose that I’m starting to think it might not be worth it.
I feel hideous as a women (probably a common feeling) and thinking of all the ”work” I need to do to continue this evolution is depressing. Since I still have to get dressed up in a way that I can quickly ”get out of it” if needed prevents me from really exploring my femininity. I’ve worn lipstick…but haven’t really worked on make-up yet. I can’t imagine shaving for fear of my wife asking all kinds of questions (she hates me with a clean-shaving face and insists I keep my beard – uhg!). It takes so much planning to simply look partially feminine and still the results are far from what I would hope. To reach where I would like to go seems like a huge uphill battle. Sigh…I just don’t know if continuing this is worth it.
Ok…I know this all sounds soooo depressing and before you mention it…yes…I am seeking professional help (although the topic of CD has not been brought up…but I feel safe to talk it through with her). I’m just wondering if there are others out there with similar situations (coming out late in life, married and in the closet) and how you have managed your doubts and shame. I would certainly welcome any feedback or encouragement!
Head still up for now,
Stephanie
Stephanie please don’t feel any shame, there is nothing too be ashamed of. I am very much like you and so on the closet. My wife would NOT be accepting and i have no idea how it would turn out out she did find out.
She once found some thing panties I had bought. I told her i wear them under my running leggings as they can’t be seen (vpl) and she seemed to accept that at least had said nothing since.
I do have a small selection of clothes hidden around the house and in my car along with some shoes but i have to be so careful.
But i firmly believe it is not me that is doing anything wrong it is the view society imposes that is wrong.
Please continue to enjoy your time as Stephanie. X
Thanks Cindy for the support! That was some quick thinking with the panties!
I totally support what you said about not doing anything wrong…but it is society’s view that is. I am enjoying learning so much more than I expected! Thank you for your friendship and looking forward in sharing happier news!
Steph
I accepted my crossdressing in my mid 30’s after a few years struggling with coming to terms with it. I’ve dressed on and off over the intervening years. In the last few years I’ve dressed more often and feel better in myself and have reached a point where I feel I have ‘taken ownership’ of this female side of myself – no guilt or shame I am just me.
I been through buying too many clothes (going shopping too often), I ran out of space – risking my SO finding out about my crossdressing. I had to get into the right frame of mind – I worked out the best place to store my things but in as small amount of space as I could – enough for a year-round basic capsule wardrobe, a handbag and some footwear (2 pairs max)
Sort out your clothes and shoes – minimise your shopping trips and what you store – keep the best things; you may find it difficult to start with but at least you’ll have what you need. Now if I see something I want like a top or skirt, then If I buy it it has to replace an item I already have (old items are donated to charity). I usually but a couple of new things each season.
Obviously you want to shave that beard off – if you don’t like it then shave it off. I had a beard when I met my SO, I got fed up with it after a while and got rid of it – it took her a little while to get used to my new look. You wife wouldn’t like you to tell her what hairstyle she should have ?
Stephanie, I to understand the feelings of doubt and shame. Keep the advice and support from the ladies here at CDH close to heart. I dont know all the answers, but insights and experiances of others here have helped a lot.
I was very lucky. When I was maybe 8 or 9 I asked my mother if I could wear her stuff. She said yes. Why? I have no idea.
I wore her shoes, her stockings , and even her panties. She never said “boys don’t do that”. She never embarrassed me. She never told my father or older brother. It was our secret. I hope to thank her someday.
Because of Amazon, the Amazon locker delivery system, and CDH I have been able to pursue dressing over the past year.
It has been a wonderful experience. I have met some very good people on this site. Yes, and I have found someone who has become very special to me. We have become true sisters in arms.
Lucky me on so many counts.
Jessica
Thanks Jessica,
I hope you get the chance to thank her soon. Your mom did something amazing…unconditional love with not judgement. It is inspiring.
Although my mom did not react the way I wish, I know that for the most part…it’s not her ”fault”. She grew up in a different era with only the church and her own upbringing guiding her parenting. I’ve accepted that and it has also taught me alot of what type of parent I want to be. I have 4 kids age 10 to 19 and I have always encouraged respect and openness. My brother once questioned me about why I would let my kids play the game of Life choosing same sex partners (since they were very young, I always let my kids choose who ever they wanted to be with in their little car. It’s the little things I suppose. My brother did not ”grow up” the same way I did, and although I am struggling as an adult because of it…it has, I believe, made me a better parent. I guess that’s a good thing in the end!
I know it’s easier said than done, but maybe what you should work on for now is separating shame from the fear of how your dressing could impact your family relationships. Both are very difficult issues and combining them together can make the situation seem hopeless.
For my experience, I started dressing around puberty, but my desire to dress and identification with women started much earlier. Throughout my teenage years dressing was very tightly associated with my sexual development. I was raised in a very conservative household (both socially and politically). Thus, I saw dressing as something that was not only something associated with guilt about my sexual activities, but also something that could cause me to be rejected by my community and by God. The fact that I kept dressing despite this should have signaled to me earlier that it was more than the sensory experience that was the driving force. I managed to suppress the urges with time.
I married in my late twenties, still a member of a conservative religious organization. Around that time I started to question the claims of the church I was raised in. At this same time I was living in an area where the church was not so dominant. Soon my commitment to the church collapsed like a house of cards. At the same time I started questioning all of the assumptions tied up in my former world view. I was able to convince my wife to let me start dressing again. I was very fortunate since most other women raised in that religious community would not have been accepting. I think that subconsciously I was waiting for someone that was more accepting, knowing that side of me might re-emerge.
Now I am in my mid-forties. I have gone through periods where I was more public in my dressing with accepting groups and it has been liberating. My wife and I are permanently separated, but not because of my dressing. It had more to do with changes in her sexuality and her desire to have multiple romantic relationships. I have no theoretic problems with that, but emotionally I could not deal with being of secondary importance to someone that I was completely committed to.
Now, back to your struggles. I feel like you should try to understand where the feelings of shame are coming from. Are they external because you have been told all your life that men should be masculine and not feminine? Do they come from the fact that you are hiding something from other people? Do you feel like you are pretending to be something you are not? When dressed like a man, a woman, both? Try to understand where the shame is coming from, but do so while taking it on faith that you have no reason at all to feel ashamed! You are just being yourself and you must not feel shame for that! Be sincere and complete while talking to your therapist to find out where the shame is coming from. This is something that you need to get past, either by realizing that you do not need to feel shame, or by changing your behavior where actual shame might be justified. But keep the focus on your actions, what you do, and not on your essence, or who you are. You should never feel shame about who you are.
As a separate issue, it sounds like you relationship with your wife might need some work. If you feel that she would not be accepting of you shaving your facial hair, maybe you should talk to her about it. It might be that she would be fine with it. If she isn’t, you need to establish clear boundaries about your autonomy to do with your body as you please. Working through the smaller issues can establish some good practices for eventually bringing in the larger issues. You will also learn about her boundaries and whether they are compatible with yours. This is difficult in marriage as so many different concerns are brought together that are otherwise independent. There is the aspect of your parent relationship with your children. There is your relationship with your wife as coparent to your children. There is your and your wife’s roles as providing for the financial well-being of the family. There is your and your wife’s roles as maintaining a safe and clean home environment. There is your friendship with your wife. There is also your romantic relationship with your wife. All of these can be affected by your decision to continue dressing (either privately or around your family) and need to be considered first by you and potentially in discussion with your wife. One thing I have learned in my experiences is that it does not need to be all or nothing. My wife and I have maintained nearly all of our relationships with each other aside from our romantic involvement. It has allowed our family to remain strong despite our separation.
You have a long road ahead of you. There will be difficulties, but also a lot of thrilling discoveries and potentially a greatly improved life. Our relationships are important, but never more important than the mental, physical, and emotional well-being of one of the participants. You will need to determine the priorities for yourself.
I wish you all the best,
Lauren
Hi Lauren,
WOW! Where to begin? Well first of all…thank you sooo much for taking the time to respond and share your thoughts and experience. There is so much you covered here that I find it hard to point out certain things and I’m not even sure of the etiquette of this feed (should I reply here…or in a PM? Who knows!), but I thought of sharing a few more thoughts…
Hearing about your upbringing in a conservative environment really made sense to me and I am glad that you were able to challenge your faith (well…at least the teachings of your faith) I’m always wary of labeling religions as their spiritual intent is often interpreted in very narrow views), but at it’s core…most beliefs are based in love and acceptance. Funny how human narrow-mindedness can influence beliefs. Anyway…my Roman Catholic upbringing did nothing for me…accept draw me to Atheism (well not true…I am a believer in human faith, fairness, acceptance and love).
You have given me lots to think about when it comes to the source of my shame and the idea of separating the shame of femininity and the shame of hiding secrets. I will ponder on that further. Thank you for pointing this out to me!
I think you are very perceptive (female intuition maybe?). My marriage does have its challenges. This is actually my second marriage (married 5 years). It hasn’t been easy, but I think we have both worked harder at this relationship than we both have in previous ones. That is not to say that it is pointless. It means we have made the decision to invest in this relationship. There might be a time where I will feel more comfortable putting forward more honesty, but for now…I’ll work on other things. Maybe, as you mentioned, it can start with the little things like acceptance of facial hair (or lack there of!) 😉
Your description of the different relationships within a relationship…wow…so true. For now I think we are heavily focused on the family dynamics. It is true that I do focus ALOT on her well being (I’m unfortunately an emotional healer type). I hope this will pave the way for more acceptance in the future.
Once again, many thanks for sharing. Your friendship is very much appreciated!
Stephanie
Thanks Alicen for your reply. You are right. I will have to reign in a bit my shopping desires. It’s so weird how…as a man…I was never really interested that much in buying myself clothes, shoes, etc. I would only go for practical reasons (needed a new pair of shoes, a new shirt, etc). But I have found myself lately looking through each women’s clothes rack to see outfits. I’m starting to like matching things (oooh…this would look super cute with my skirt!). I’m at a point that going through Walmart…I’ll notice right away any new clothing items brought out. I’ve got 7 pairs of shoes and the only reason I don’t have more is because most of those I like don’t come in my size (or will not deliver to a pick-up location). I was feeling concerned that I was actually needing to plan a private storage area…but reading the various comments, I’m realizing that it is an essential part of planning around this discretion I have. It’s not a consequence of having ”a big secret”…it’s part of the things I need to do to keep me happy and those around me happy as well. I guess I’ll go get my saw, some 2X4 and drywall and start making my hidden closet. I’m actually a bit excited about this!
For me, it’s about getting the balance right. I am also in my fifties and have been dressing since very young. I have a very good marriage and don’t wish to tell my wife for fear of ruining something special. I now have accepted that I may only cross dress about once a month, but when I do it, I do it properly and really enjoy it with all the makeup and accessories. The rest of the time, I try to keep busy with lots of other hobbies. Watching sport, going out running, reading, listening to music etc. etc. Not to mention work. It sounds like you would have to find an excuse to ditch the beard to really enjoy the experience.
Over the last few years, you could say that I have got into a routine, so I know when I will next cross dress and can look forward to it. As you work from home, you can easily plan when you can do this.
I too have a large stash of clothes, hidden in the attic. Yes, I do feel guilty sometimes about the deception, but I feel this is for the best. I genuinely believe that my ‘hobby’ is harmless as it involves no one else and I’m not having an affair and never would.
Hope some of this might be of help. There are lots of us out there dealing with similar situations. You are not alone.
Hi Katie,
Your comments really did resonate with me. I went to gym late last night (I’m an insomniac and often mix my late night gym outings with a bit of CD exploring), and I was thinking about what you said and started thinking of when I might have the chance to really go out as Stephanie. I started thinking about some occasions coming up and felt quite exhilarated planning this outing, what I would bring, where I would go, etc. At the end of my gym session…I decided to keep my heels and skirt in my gym bag and not explore that night. I was satisfied that night planning a more elaborate outing instead of acting on the impulse to go out that night for my walk in heels. I agree with you that planning your excursions can help alleviate some of the stress and help ”manage” somewhat the risk of discovery. Thank you for sharing. I appreciate your support!
Steph
Hi Stephanie,
There’s been a lot of good responses from your post and I hope you find them helpful. I can’t add a lot to what’s already been written. But there is one thing I think you should reconsider – your hidden closet.
Building that closet just takes you further down the rabbit hole. You’ll be MORE invested in your secret and the shame that comes with it. Instead of dealing with your problem you’ll be running away from it. Then there’s the likelihood your closet will eventually be discovered. That’s real, and when it happens you’ll regret building it.
I came out to my girlfriend when I learned to accept myself and couldn’t live a lie any longer. I think the urge to dress gets stronger as we get older, and it becomes more and more difficult to hide our secret. I’m still with my girlfriend, but she’s not enthusiastic about my crossdressing. So I don’t dress when she’s around and I don’t leave my clothes in plain sight. But I don’t hide them either.
Emily
Hi Emily,
I know you’re right. The closet is a temporary solution, but I will have to figure out how to proceed as I discover more about myself. These last few months have been a whirlwind of discoveries as I let myself explore many new things. Now I’m trying to make sense of it all before deciding how to move forward. I have definitely let the genie out of that bottle and I know I can’t go back (I really do enjoy my feminine side!). I just have to figure out how to move on and manage my two identities for now. I really appreciate the support from this community. I know I am not alone anymore!
Steph
You and I are in similar situations, Stephanie. I have a long time friend with whom I’ve been thinking about sharing my secret. I think he could handle it, but I’m not sure. One thing is for sure, sharing my secret will change our friendship. I’m not sure if it will change for better or worse. So, I am undecided, still thinking about what to do. I am keeping my secret from my family too. There are times when I want to tell everyone my secret and times when I wish I could end my interest in all things feminine for good.
I can’t tell you what to do. I will tell you what I am doing. I am taking my time, not rushing to make a decision. I am 52 years old. I did not get to where I am overnight. It took many years for me to explore and accept my feminine side. My plan is to get en femme whenever I can and to use each experience to help me decide to what extent I want to go as Stephanie.
Hang in there. You’re not alone.
Hi Steph,
I knew I could trust my friend since I’ve shared so much with him already and he has done the same. Knowing his ”little secrets” helps because I know he trusts me, so the trusts is mutual. I can’t predict how it might go to let your friend know…but the weight of holding all this on your shoulders will certainly reduce. I did push this information in different steps. He already knew of my past as a kid. He knew about my ”fetish” around legs and shoes. I first mentioned about wearing stockings because I loved the feel of it. His reaction was very supportive. Shortly after, I shared a picture of me in heels with the caption…”my turn to share a little secret”. I was ready with a backstory in case it didn’t work like ”I was asked to play a feminine role in an upcoming play”…given that he knows I do theater. As it turns out, I didn’t need the excuse. His reaction of ”cool!” and having him ask questions about how far I wanted to go made me realize how little I had to fear. Trust your instinct and make the decision you feel comfortable with.
I know what you mean by having times you want to tell everyone and others where you wish you could eliminate these feelings. I think the first voice is Stephanie trying to get out…while the other is society trying to hold you back. I admire your wisdom to take things slowly and let each moment decide where you want to go next. I guess I don’t need to make a lifechanging decision now. I can enjoy myself exploring further. Thank you for your support and kind words! Much appreciated!
Steph
Thanks for the positive feedback, Stephanie. My long comments actually help me clarify things for myself, so they are usually worthwhile just for me. It’s nice to know when they are useful for other people as well.
I wish you the best of luck in sorting things out for the best for you and your family.
Hugs,
Lauren
Hi Stephanie Shame and guilt has been so much apart of my life also. You need to find a professional to help you with those issues. You certainly should not feel shame about your self. Woman identify with woman that’s how they learn and grow up to be happy woman. You did nothing wrong by identifying with woman it is just you you are. You have no control of that part of you. You cannot wish it away.It just is not going to go away. Once you fully realize and understand that it is a part of you now can begin accepting it. You can control how you express it. Most people want to be honest and express how they feel that is normal.We have been taught by society what a woman should look like and how they should dress and the same goes for men. We are going against societies rules. We have male bodies but we enjoy expressing our selves as woman. In the past it was taboo, we were considered perverts so we were taught to feel shame by believe it or not the one’s that loved us. They did not want any harm to come to us. Today its a little bit better . Most parents notice it and say nothing and hopefully they get their child help. When searching for help and understanding for my issues I too came upon those porn sites. i do agree some of these transgirls are amazingly beautiful. They got to deal with their issue early in life. Porn is still porn. The life style they chose is and in most cases got pulled into because of their looks is not very healthy or safe. They are beginning their life as young woman. They are being exploited by a huge industry. Like so money young woman they will be used and abused for their looks. Its is hard enough to begin your life as a cis woman never mind adding the issue of being trangender. Sorry to ramble. Stay focused on your gender issue. Get some help with the shame you are feeling when expressing your self. Luv Stephanie
You have my sympathy Stephanie, my wife would have been the same unyielding in letting me express my female side further. I had experimented with a chemise and satin pjs but felt I could go no further, now divorced I have a full wardrobe of female clothes that I enjoy to the fullest. The shame and doubts do kick in from time to time but as you know your female side always reasserts itself. Hugs Sandra xxx
Thanks, Steph. I love how things work here at CDH. You were looking for support. I drew on my experiences and offered my support. Then, you helped me by telling me about your experiences. We are so lucky to have each other and CDH.
- Society’s view on how people dress is morally messed up. Women can wear anything they please. But if a guy so much as steps out in a kilt, compression stockings/normal stockings, leggings or tights, or any bright colors he is immediately thought of as less. Even less if presenting as a female. Remember the era when women couldn’t wear pants, or shorts, confined to dresses and skirts? It was unheard of for a woman to wear men’s pants to ride into town much less to work in their fields.Keeping a secret is hard given everything that society puts on a person. Social norms need to be broken, it’s not okay to force a person to fit what society thinks is normal. People tell me I look like a male, yeah sure my face does but the rest of me isn’t! Just because you have facial fur doesnt mean anything, you can 100% female and still grow it.What kind of a guy has a vulva, labia majora, female breasts, testes that make high amounts of estrogen, the 3rd leg and the same hormone levels as a female and no menstrual period but with those hormones I can certainly be bitchy. 46,XX. Listed on my BC says male, I live as a female.Still fighting for HRT and every doctor says I need TRT instead, I am being told it’s impossible to live on estrogen with a male body, sorry but doctors are wrong. Society is wrong, and stereotypes need breaking, if women would just take a look at what they fought for, to be able to wear in public and not be shamed they would realize that men have the same right. What is masculine and what is feminine? Who gives a crap let people be as they are.Leggings are worn by the NFL, horse Jockeys, baseball players and so forth. Kilts are worn by Scottish men and women. Even the Romans wore them and many armies throughout time. Every news and sports broadcaster that is male wears makeup. I go out in public every day as me, oh boy do I get stared at.I dont do make up because I see no reason, I have 99% female clothing in my closet. Not much male clothing any longer. I used to hide it when I was growing up, suitcases with combo locks, between the mattress, in my pillow case, sock drawer rolled up in socks, between the bed and wall in a bag or on the floor, in boxes under stuff.</p><p dir=”ltr”>I was also raised in very good very conservative household and somewhat religious, and that has been a huge stumbling block. 2 sexes depending on who I listen to, wrong there’s quite a few mutations of sexes. Most churches say no to genetic differences, I choose being female and dress accordingly, that’s wrong according to them. Yeah it’s wrong to tell a person they should be…this because it makes the bigotted person feel comfortable. I get that it would be difficult for a S.O. to understand and it will likely lead to future problems or a huge fight. Act accordingly, don’t put your marriage/relationship in jeopardy.</p>
<p dir=”ltr”>Honestly I would seek a therapist to help you cope with feeling shameful about this. I have one I see and it was easier to talk to her about this. Understanding all of this helps a lot.
Enjoy what time there is with yourself!I’ve never been married and no GFs, being what I am is terrifying for most people.I guess that’s enough rambling about society and social norms being messed up.Thanks Carri for sharing! Funny how society did shape perceptions of what is feminine and what is not. I do believe society is more accepting than before but does still have a ways to go! If I have trouble coming to grip with my own gender…I can only imagine someone that is even more entrenched in conservative thinking how they can’t fathom this ”new” realism of seeing others around them ”change”. I guess time will tell and we will be at the forefront of this change. Yeah us!! 😉
Stephanie, thanks for sharing your story. I was in a very similar situation less than a year ago, so I feel your struggle.
The realization that it was more than a fetish was important for me and that came two summer ago when I had a number of opportunities to drive enfemme for 12 hours at a time.
Personally I find that how it makes me feel is more important than how I look. That said, I am working on my feminine apperance with the hope of one-day stepping out enfemme.The hardest and best thing I ever did with respect to CDing was coming out to my wife. I am lucky that she is somewhat understanding and supportive and I know this is all to often not the case.
You are doing the right thing seeking help and I believe it would be a good idea to share your CDing with your counselor/therapist.
I wish you all the best with your struggle and of you every want to reach out don’t hesitate to contact me.
The best advice my wife gave me when I was struggling back in the summer was “Love your self”, so I offer you the same advice.
Love your self!
D.Thank you DeLora for the support and friendship. It’s comforting to know others have or are going through some of the same challenges and inspiring seeing those that overcome some of the obstacles. I do understand what you mean by how you feel vs how you look. I guess for me…I am hoping that the visual will be able to confirm how I do feel…instead of reflecting back what I am. I am confident that learning more about how to attain a feminine will come with time….and I guess…with confidence as well. Thanks for sharing and I will certainly welcome your advice and wisdom!
Steph
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