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  • #374554
    Isabel
    Participant
    Registered On: February 4, 2020
    Topics: 15
    Replies: 51
    Has thanked: 57 times
    Been thanked: 211 times

    Hey girls,

    I usually ‘try’ to keep my forums and replies positive, however, this one is not. I have noticed a pattern, one I’ve tried to fix with little to no success, so this is me putting a final nail in the coffin.

    If you’ve been out in public fully dressed, with make-up, wig, the lot, you can stop reading now as this does not apply to you. Read on if you want, I’m sure many of you will agree with the below.

    The nerd in me refers you to this popular snippet of a conversation between Master Yoda and Luke Skywalker during training on Dagobah (The Empire Strikes Back).

    Yoda: Always with you, what can not be done. Hear you nothing that I say. You must unlearn, what you have learnt.

    Luke: Alright, I’ll give it a try

    Yoda: No. Try not. Do or do not, there is no try.

    Look it up on YouTube, or better yet watch the film if you want the context this was delivered in.

    I feel this is a very appropriate in the conversation of going out in public. In fact, relatable might be a better word, as I feel like Master Yoda talking to a group of whinny Luke’s.

    Many of you have posted topics where you talk about how you long to go out in public, how great it would be and want help to know what to do. That’s fine, that’s sort of the point of a website like CDH. However, I’ve read a lot of articles, where people complain about not going out because they are scared, the most recent was posted as recently as yesterday. Reading yet another one of these articles, pushed me over the edge, hence this topic.

    Now, I can understand that it’s a frightening experience going out in public, dressed at any time, especially the first time. Fear is a natural response to danger. From what I’ve researched online there are two main fears, which are fear of being:

    1. Recognised as your male self
    2. Clocked or outed as a dresser and a scene taking place

    This are legitimate dangers, so being scared or afraid is natural. I personally, worry about the first every time I go out, but I still go out, because if you want it bad enough, you’ll do it. If you don’t you won’t

    I’m going to stop for a second to say that I know not all dressers want to go out in public. Some are happy sitting at home. I quickly found this boring and pointless. But we all have the right to freedom of choice. I’ve lost count of how many forums where I’ve made the below points already. So, when I see more and more posts where someone says, “I want to but, I’m scared of…”, it frustrates me greatly. So, I’ve compiled all my best tips below and hope not to see another post of this nature again.

    The final thing I want to add before the advice, is that you may think “it’s easier said than done”. Though, I personally went out long before discovering CDH with no support and I’m suffer from Algophobia, a fear of pain. So, that fact that I managed (on my own) to, face these fears, despite the fact that they could cause me a lot of pain, proves that it can be done, it has been done by many others and there is no reason why you can’t do so too.

    <u>The advice/tips</u>

    I was going to sort these for the two fears, but many apply to both (NOTE: they are in no particular order).

    • Go to another town, city, (this should be a lot easier for most of you because you can drive)
    • You’re not the first. If you stick to bigger areas, the more likely it is there’s been dressers there before you and people will be more accepting.
    • If you’re not ready to walk around a shop, go for lunch while dressed, just go for a walk in the country or a drive. Start off small and work your way up, baby steps.
    • Location, location, location – No, not the television show. I mean, if you’re unsure about yourself, stick to trans friendly areas
    • Hair – This is pretty obvious, but make sure to get rid of hair. With the exception of the hair on your head, your eyebrows and that round your panty area, there should not be any hair on your body. Most women hate body hair, as we do. So, shave, wax, epilate, whatever way you want, but get rid of it. If, like me, you find these too short term, look into more permanent methods of hair removal. (I realise this may be difficult if you’re in a committed relationship, but there are other reasons for doing this you can use. Plus, lets be honest, you should have told him/her already.
    • Though you may love fancy lingerie and tight-fitting outfits, you wear them in public. Dress your age, not like a stripper. If you’re not sure what women your age wear, just look around you when out and about. Each age group differs as they do from country to country. You should wear something to help you blend in, but have one or two statement pieces to make the outfit your own.
    • Wear make-up – Unless you’re one of the very, very lucky one of us who has naturally female features, and you have been told so by other people on more a couple of occasions, then you, you need to. Women can not wear make-up and look feminine, the same way we go out as men and look masculine. So, to look feminine you need make-up to draw on your femme qualities and hide the masculine ones. Don’t overdo it though, or you’ll look like a clown. Go to a pro if you need help.
    • Think and act like a woman – If you go out looking great, but walk, talk and sit like a man, you will be noticed. That’s why you need to adopt a different way of thinking. You may know a shortcut, through a dark alley, but that’s somewhere you could be attacked, so avoid it. You may talk strides that could be mistaken for lunges, but women take smaller steps because of heels and they’re hips sway, so practice in a mirror.
    • Speaking – If you plan to go shopping, or anywhere in public, you will have to speak eventually. Practice speaking in a higher pitch. Women’s voices also vary while talking more so than men’s do. So, to achieve a more melodic, higher pitched voice I use sing along with female singers, try to mirror they’re voice before stopping the song mid-way and continuing. It helps if you can record yourself. Also, use a voice pitch analyser, which will tell you how high/low the frequency of your voice is.
    • Know the boundaries – Do some research. Is it illegal to dress? I know it’s not in NI, there are just a lot of traditionalists who disapprove. Find out what the law says about using the bathroom
    • Passing – Finally, there’s a lot of talk about passing. Though I don’t think you need to look in the mirror and ask yourself “Do I pass?” it is important. All of the above will help, but you need to be confidence/own it, as the kids used to say, at some point. True passing is about believing in yourself. If you think you’re meant to be there, so will others and vice versa. So, though it’s a strange thing to say to men dressing as women, grow a pair.

    Hope you have found these tips useful, as I will not be posting them again.

    Please do not click ‘Thanks’.

    Hugs,

    Isabel

Viewing 16 reply threads
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    • #375606
      Laura Lovett
      Participant
      Registered On: March 26, 2020
      Topics: 6
      Replies: 304
      Has thanked: 818 times
      Been thanked: 1226 times

      “Grow a pair?”

      Of soft testicles, which, when kicked, can put a man out of action with pain?

      Surely to grow a vagina would be better – those things can take a real pounding.

      (Formerly attributed to Betty White, but it seems, maybe not. Just very apt for our community!)

      Love Laura

      2 users thanked author for this post.
    • #374914
      Philma Bierstein
      Participant
      Registered On: May 28, 2020
      Topics: 34
      Replies: 118
      Has thanked: 1314 times
      Been thanked: 699 times

      Nice topic.

      Yup.  It is scary the first (and second, etc) time you go out in public.  Do it anyway.  Nothing makes you feel so alive!  Figure out an excuse to get out of town and go for it.  You’ll be glad you did!  And then tell us all about it on CDH!!  😀

      Isabel – “Grow a pair”…. I love it.  Sometimes we need that little extra push of tough love.  I’d amend it to say “Grow a pair, then tuck ‘em up where they came from & pull on some pantyhose – this is gonna be fun!!!”

      Take things like advice with a grain of salt.  Find the meaning behind what a person is saying, then say it back to yourself in your own words.  No need to be offended, nobody is trying to hurt feelings here.  We all love each other and we’re in this together!!

      Love & hugs, my ladies!

      XOXO

      ~Philma

      2 users thanked author for this post.
    • #374840
      skippy1965 Cynthia
      Ambassador
      Registered On: August 25, 2015
      Topics: 110
      Replies: 1246
      Has thanked: 546 times
      Been thanked: 1344 times

      From day one when I joined back in August 2015 (and the site had just over a hindered members) I initially was terrified at the thought of going out in public in my car much less interacting with someone while in full Cyn mode. Gradually I did get the courage to take steps(baby ones at first then much larger ones) until now I don’t think twice about shopping , eating out, even flying cross country in full Cyn mode. I’m not sure without the encouragement and support I got from so many here that I would have gathered the courage on my own to do so. And over these five years I have seen many others spread their wings and fly and I like to think my own support and encouragement and writing about my own journey may have helped them in some small way.

      I understand that not all our members are On the same journey. Some are completely content with dressing in private, others yearn to get out but have circumstances that prohibit them from realizing those dreams; some are on the road to fully transitioning while others have no desire to give up the male side of themselves. So we are SIMILAR but not the same and thus the things that work for some will not work for others.

      My mantra has always been “Never let ANYONE (INCLUDING YOURSELF) push you further or faster than you are ready to go but also never let ANYONE(INCLUDING YOURSELF) keep you from doing what you ARE ready to do!” Whatever your goals are, I encourage you to strive toward them while realizing that reaching some of them MAY have consequences in the rest of your life. Life is a series of trade-offs that each must weigh for themselves and determine which is the right thing to pursue. For me -at age 55 still working and with my adult daughter not being thrilled with any of the cd/TG aspects of my life, it is unlikely I will fully transition medically but I won’t rule out the possibility of one day transitioning socially in much of my life and even considering HRT or breast enhancement. In the meantime I have become more open with many friends about Cyn-about a third of folks I interact with socially at least “know about” Cyn and many of them have seen pics and are supportive though not a lot of them have SEEN or interacted with me in full Cyn mode. At work and league pool I am in stealth Cyn mode (where all my clothes are ladies clothes but not obviously so-ladies polo shirts and skinny jeans ,etc) and I wear colorful studs or small hoops in my ears and my hair (Which is my own natural hair)in a high ponytail. Outside of those times I am in full Cyn mode with makeup and More feminine earrings and whatever clothes I feel like wearing(casual or dressy). I am satisfied with this level at this point in my life and only time will tell where my future path will lead me.

      In closing, you will always find me encouraging you to strive towards your goals but not “directing” you; offering advice if asked; and I remind you that the two most important things are a smile and confidence along with accepting yourself. For if you cannot accept yourself you cannot expect others to either.
      Cyn

    • #374839
      skippy1965 Cynthia
      Ambassador
      Registered On: August 25, 2015
      Topics: 110
      Replies: 1246
      Has thanked: 546 times
      Been thanked: 1344 times

      From day one when I joined back in August 2015 (and the site had just over a hindered members) I initially was terrified at the thought of going out in public in my car much less interacting with someone while in full Cyn mode. Gradually I did get the courage to take steps(baby ones at first then much larger ones) until now I don’t think twice about shopping , eating out, even flying cross country in full Cyn mode. I’m not sure without the encouragement and support I got from so many here that I would have gathered the courage on my own to do so. And over these five years I have seen many others spread their wings and fly and I like to think my own support and encouragement and writing about my own journey may have helped them in some small way.

      I understand that not all our members are On the same journey. Some are completely content with dressing in private, others yearn to get out but have circumstances that prohibit them from realizing those dreams; some are on the road to fully transitioning while others have no desire to give up the male side of themselves. So we are SIMILAR but not the same and thus the things that work for some will not work for others.

      My mantra has always been “Never let ANYONE (INCLUDING YOURSELF) push you further or faster than you are ready to go but also never let ANYONE(INCLUDING YOURSELF) keep you from doing what you ARE ready to do!” Whatever your goals are, I encourage you to strive toward them while realizing that reaching some of them MAY have consequences in the rest of your life. Life is a series of trade-offs that each must weigh for themselves and determine which is the right thing to pursue. For me -at age 55 still working and with my adult daughter not being thrilled with any of the cd/TG aspects of my life, it is unlikely I will fully transition medically but I won’t rule out the possibility of one day transitioning socially in much of my life and even considering HRT or breast enhancement. In the meantime I have become more open with many friends about Cyn-about a third of folks I interact with socially at least “know about” Cyn and many of them have seen pics and are supportive though not a lot of them have SEEN or interacted with me in full Cyn mode. At work and league pool I am in stealth Cyn mode (where all my clothes are ladies clothes but not obviously so-ladies polo shirts and skinny jeans ,etc) and I wear colorful studs or small hoops in my ears and my hair (Which is my own natural hair)in a high ponytail. Outside of those times I am in full Cyn mode with makeup and More feminine earrings and whatever clothes I feel like wearing(casual or dressy). I am satisfied with this level at this point in my life and only time will tell where my future path will lead me.

      In closing, you will always find me encouraging you to strive towards your goals but not “directing” you; offering advice if asked; and I remind you that the two most important things are a smile and confidence along with accepting yourself. For if you cannot accept yourself you cannot expect others to either.
      Cyn

      4 users thanked author for this post.
    • #374797
      Diana W
      Participant
      Registered On: July 9, 2020
      Topics: 9
      Replies: 209
      Has thanked: 821 times
      Been thanked: 895 times

      Isabel,

      There’s no reason for anyone to leave. It’s ok to have a strong opinion and as I said I got where you were coming from. It can be frustrating to read the same kind of posts over and over. But you had one person talking of leaving because she felt you were attacking her as she thinks she made the post you were talking about yesterday. Having a strong opinion is not a bad thing but you have to be aware that when you’re expressing an opinion in writing people can only go by the words you use. When you’re expressing an opinion face to face your facial expressions and tone of voice can soften your comments so they don’t come across so harsh. To be honest your post didn’t offend me but I’d read the comments, including the one who talked about how maybe she should leave. This lifestyle can give us all kinds of insecurities especially as the vanilla majority can be extremely judgemental. Places like this forum exist to give us a safe haven to express ourselves and work through our doubts and insecurities. If you see a post you think you’re not going to like you can simply choose not to read it. Everyone has a place here.

      4 users thanked author for this post.
    • #374790
      Sandy Jayson
      Participant
      Registered On: September 29, 2019
      Topics: 12
      Replies: 160
      Has thanked: 380 times
      Been thanked: 648 times

      Thanks, Isabel, for your post.  I am still rather new to this CD experience and have gone out to nearby quiet places in full dress.  A couple of weeks ago I made my first apt at Ulta to do my hair.  The apt is still 2.5 weeks away ( it is a birthday present to myself) and I am still wondering if I have the courage to go dressed in fem. mode.  If I do go in fem I intend to do some shopping in fem afterward.  Since I have not had a hair cut all year they should be able to something with my hair.  God I have missed all you wonderful girls here on CDH.  I was on the web site daily until this past monday when the storm came though the middle of my state (Iowa) and I had no power or internet for 4 days.

      2 users thanked author for this post.
    • #374778
      Kimmie
      Participant
      Registered On: September 27, 2016
      Topics: 3
      Replies: 167
      Has thanked: 111 times
      Been thanked: 589 times

      Isabel, I was not personally offended, but it seemed that others were and I suspected others would be. I think your apology will be welcomed by them. There is nothing wrong with big personalities and strong opinions. You obviously feel strongly about this topic. On CDH, because I find this to be such a special community, I try very hard to be sensitive to how others might react to my comments.

      On other fora, I’m not as careful and I have a tendency to shoot first and aim later. FWIW, those tend to be political commentaries and I’ll leave it at that.

      3 users thanked author for this post.
    • #374777
      Isabel
      Participant
      Registered On: February 4, 2020
      Topics: 15
      Replies: 51
      Has thanked: 57 times
      Been thanked: 211 times

      Hey,

      I wanted to apologise for my post about dressing in public and how it offended you. As stated at the start, I was simply expressing my own opinion. I also want to apologise for having a strong character, how I expressed it and how this has come across as judgemental to several members.. In future, I will keep my thoughts to myself.

      As this topic has offended quite a few of you, I will refrain from posting any in future. Perhaps, it is I who should leave.

      Apologies,

      Isabel

      2 users thanked author for this post.
    • #374764
      Diana W
      Participant
      Registered On: July 9, 2020
      Topics: 9
      Replies: 209
      Has thanked: 821 times
      Been thanked: 895 times

      Please don’t let one post drive you away.  You belong here just as much as any of us do.  this site is for beginner  as well as seasoned cross dressers.

      3 users thanked author for this post.
    • #374763
      TJ Laber-Tea
      Participant
      Registered On: June 29, 2020
      Topics: 11
      Replies: 75
      Has thanked: 570 times
      Been thanked: 265 times

      Each is entitled to his/her/their opinion and to express such opinions in a respectful manner. Indeed, the diversity of opinions facilitates learning and understanding. When one feels strongly about one topic or another, it can be difficult to express one’s views in a manner that does not come across as judgmental and condescending. I do not go out fully en femme and do not desire to do so, therefore, I have no personal stake in this discussion. Nevertheless, I feel this post crosses the lines of being judgmental and condescending. I feel Roberta’s pain and sincerely hope she does not leave CDH or otherwise self-censor comments.

      Finally, I have a tip of my own. If a topic is going to bring you annoyance, don’t read it.

      All of this! And said much nicer than I could have x

      5 users thanked author for this post.
    • #374762
      Diana W
      Participant
      Registered On: July 9, 2020
      Topics: 9
      Replies: 209
      Has thanked: 821 times
      Been thanked: 895 times

      I get where you’re coming from and that you consider this post helpful.  But, honestly?  It comes across as harsh and judgmental.  Plus I wonder how many ladies, especially those new to this site or cross dressing in general, will feel scared to post something lest they bring down your wrath on them.  Many people have insecurities with this lifestyle.  They’re filled with desire and dread at the idea of going out en femme.  They should at least be able to feel comfortable posting on here without worrying if they will be attacked or criticized for their post.

      Just something to think about.

       

       

       

      Diana

    • #374755
      Kimmie
      Participant
      Registered On: September 27, 2016
      Topics: 3
      Replies: 167
      Has thanked: 111 times
      Been thanked: 589 times

      Each is entitled to his/her/their opinion and to express such opinions in a respectful manner. Indeed, the diversity of opinions facilitates learning and understanding. When one feels strongly about one topic or another, it can be difficult to express one’s views in a manner that does not come across as judgmental and condescending. I do not go out fully en femme and do not desire to do so, therefore, I have no personal stake in this discussion. Nevertheless, I feel this post crosses the lines of being judgmental and condescending. I feel Roberta’s pain and sincerely hope she does not leave CDH or otherwise self-censor comments.

      Finally, I have a tip of my own. If a topic is going to bring you annoyance, don’t read it.

      4 users thanked author for this post.
    • #374743
      Alison Anderson
      Participant
      Registered On: October 15, 2018
      Topics: 3
      Replies: 310
      Has thanked: 152 times
      Been thanked: 1070 times

      You share a lot of great tips, Isabel.  But I would like to add, please don’t pass judgement on those who can’t get out, because you don’t know the extent of their circumstances that are holding them back.   Give people the benefit of the doubt.

    • #374732
      Roberta Denny
      Participant
      Registered On: May 19, 2020
      Topics: 7
      Replies: 79
      Has thanked: 352 times
      Been thanked: 300 times

      Isobel I think the post you are referring to was mine from last Thursday.As a result because of the offence I have caused to you I have unfriended you and I am considering leaving CDH.Whatever happens you can rest assured that I won’t be bothering you again and that’s meant from the very bottom of my heart,

      1 user thanked author for this post.
    • #374671
      patty williams
      Participant
      Registered On: January 19, 2019
      Topics: 61
      Replies: 1100
      Has thanked: 1649 times
      Been thanked: 3479 times

      Hi Isabel,

      I loved your post,

      This year I have been out in public twice now.

      I can’t say I have checked all your boxes ,but I felt confident or at least had some confidence.

      thats the Key is to owning it.

      Patty

      2 users thanked author for this post.
    • #374667
      Carla Jones
      Participant
      Registered On: May 14, 2017
      Topics: 4
      Replies: 254
      Has thanked: 39 times
      Been thanked: 868 times

      I had to work up to going out fully dressed. I started with small steps, walking around outside, taking the trash to the end of the driveway, short drives and finally going to the Post Office around 7pm thinking it would be empty. Was I wrong with that one. There was about 10 cars parked and people getting mail and sending things off. I sat there glued to my seat. Finally I told myself I have as much right to walk in dressed and got out and walked in. When I entered a guy opened the door for me and I thanked him as best I could. What I discovered was no one cared. From that I went to Walmart then a mall and now I go out without even giving it a thought. I do dress as others in my area and most times I look so much better than some of the other women. I walk in stores with my head high standing straight and shop like any other girl. I don’t shy away from check out staff and enjoy having them treat me just like anyone else. I recognize that it is something every CD goes through in their own time if they desire to go out. I do know this, it is wonderful to be out dressed happy and enjoying myself.

      Carla

      2 users thanked author for this post.
    • #374663
      Stephanie Kennedy
      Participant
      Registered On: March 15, 2019
      Topics: 9
      Replies: 599
      Has thanked: 3598 times
      Been thanked: 2142 times

      Hi Isabel Your heart is in the right place.Everything comes with time Just having a place to finally share your thoughts at home in private is a part of coming out that can be enough for so many here. Think about it just for a moment. So many of us have carried this secret alone for so long just being able to write openly and declare I enjoy wearing woman’s clothing. I love how it feels and love how it looks on me . Now the next step is to have the courage to express it openly to the outside world can be daunting to say the least. Have patience everything comes with time.

      Luv Stephanie

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