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We all aspire to or actually dress en femme in differing degrees. Some of us solely identify as our male persona and some solely identify as our female persona.
For those that identify as both, how do you reconcile the two personas in one being?
The easy answer is that the persona we identify with depends on how we are dressed. How does this take into account underdressing? Deep down I am CD but my outward appearance must be male to keep my job or at least keep the water cooler talk from occurring.
I want to identify as Tina more often, but am afraid to share my true self with others not knowing what the outcome will be.
My sister is visiting from another province and I have almost told her several times in the past 24 hours but have always balked at the last second. I don’t know why I want to tell her other than being true to myself and who I am. I guess I want people to know the true me. I have always said I am the same person wherever I am. I cannot say that anymore. I am not being honest with others and more importantly I am not being honest with myself.
Hi Tina, duality is the best word you could use for this topic, in fact it is the best word to describe us, I felt very identified with your situation because, a little while ago, I was in a position similar to yours, in fact I went to therapy with a psychologist, because the desire to be my feminine self was driving me crazy, with therapy I managed to find the point of balance, currently I take care of my image equally in both facets, I worry about keeping them as good as possible, because I am both I, 2 in 1, both represent the best of me,
regarding telling your sister and that you are not being honest with her, let me tell you that I felt the same with my mother (RIP), I felt that she was I should have, what was I doing wrong by not telling him, in therapy I could see that it’s okay to have secrets, everyone has them, it’s your private life and no one is shouting their private life in the street, it’s not something you have to do for obligation, if you get to tell him, let it be really because you want to share this wonderful part of yourself with her, not because you are forced, because if you do something out of obligation and not out of conviction you are not being faithful to yourself,
I think that the way to be honest with yourself is to accept yourself, with your duality, and continue to grow and develop in both, because that way you are completely you, it is fine if you feel more inclined towards your feminine part, in my case it is like that, but do not forget your masculine self because it is also part of you, hopefully that this can be of some use to you,
Greetings and hugs, with love, Sofia-
I would be telling my sister because I want her to know not out of a sense of obligation.
When my SO outed me with my daughter, I had a sense of obligation to come clean with her.
Thanks for your thoughtful response
I hope you can find a way to discuss this with her. I know the stuggle of living two parallel lives. Its a logical means of self-preservation, but at the same time reinforces that internal sense that one is flawed. Even sharing with one trusted and hopefully supportive person can help ease that burden.
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There are a few people I would like to tell but always wonder what my motivation is and what am I hoping to achieve by doing so.
If I open the flood gates of letting people know, I will probably not be able to close them. Eventually it would become public knowledge at some point.
I guess I am hoping that by telling specific people, it will become freeing and not a colossal mistake.
I totally understand this. I have selectively told friends and a very small number of family members. Thus far, and this goes back over a decade, those who i confided in have kept the information to themselves. Perhaps I have just been lucky, but really I think the truth is that most people that I shared this with just see it as something unique about me, and appreciate that I trusted them with the information.
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My window of opportunity has now closed for a face to face conversation. My next opportunity would include my brother which I don’t think I am ready for. I also have a better relationship with my sister than my brother.
My sister and I have spoke about our family dynamic and disfunction. Openness could be something that enhances our relationship, hinder our relationship or change nothing.
It will probably need to be in the form of an email now and maybe it is time to throw caution to the wind and go for it.
I would never advise throwing caution to the wind. In my personal and professional experience, the bad decisions were those impulsive decisions.
Continue to think long and hard, as you already have, think about the conversation and the direcitons it might take (positive and negative) and then of course, weigh out the plusses and minuses. Its a very personal analysis, and of course, there are unknowables. You can’t eliminate risk, but you can to some extent manage the risk.
Good luck!
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I guess I meant by saying throw caution to the wind was to continue questioning my motives but stop over-thinking everything. I can tend to talk myself out of having the conversation when it is okay to have it.
That makes sense.
The ultimate dilemma! Are you two or one?
You are your true self, however you appear. If you went from part time to full time the core of who you are won’t change. There are things that you will do to develop into the feminine role such as mannerisms and deportment by conditioning yourself to do this. Some will argue that they ‘feel’ more feminine or ‘think’ like a woman. What does a woman feel like and think like? Ask a woman and they will give you differing answers. You may have some womanly character such as empathy, a softer motherly nature and not have a strong masculine nature.
You say that deep down you are C.D. No, you are overtly C.D. and want to appear more and if circumstances allowed you would go for it.
I would have a serious go at telling your sister as you will never know otherwise. If you know her well enough and love each other should it be an issue to her? She may support you and you will be the same person to her no matter how you wish to dress.
I can say from my own experience that any one that knows me from old has said that I haven’t changed and still like me for who I am and appear more happier now. The fact I appear as a female is secondary to their opinions.
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There will always be a portion of my friends, acquaintances, and co-workers that will never know. The more people that know, the less I need to hide. Even though there will always be a duality to my CD, I want it to be more aligned and less parallel. In more situations, I want people to know me as Tina and my male persona. Hopefully they can understand both.
Hi Tina,
Your profile says your wife, son, and daughter all know. It seems like those would be the most important people in your life, so telling any other family and friends might be a comparatively small issue. If you have a good close relationship with your sister then I would encourage you to tell her. I see you’re also Christian. I’m glad to see that! If your sister is as well then it should go well, as long as she’s not a super conservative, hardline type Churchgoer. Your point about opening the floodgates is certainly true. It’s not something you can “unsay.” I suggest praying about it and trusting your instinct. Take a breath and trust her.Please let us know how it goes.
Hugs,
Catherine-
My instinct is to turn tail and run from those conversations. I want to change that and be open with those that are deserved. Some will never understand and they will never know unless by accident.
I can understand where you are coming from. But I have six sisters and 3 brothers. I’m sure one brother and one sister know but they never brought up the subject. Because of my X having a big mouth I think my daughter and two sons know. But they haven’t brought up the subject. Point is I don’t care anymore. I am me Unless you pay me , don’t tell me what to do. When I die every one will know because when they clean out.. my stuff they will see it. Live for today. Once you die , who cares
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I am with you on not caring who knows to a point. I dress at home and don’t draw the curtains. I am positive my neighbors know and don’t seem to care. They also are not invested in me in any way. Even though there are multiple sides to me, I want to be genuine and honest with me.
Hi Tina,
Most times I don’t feel 100 percent female or 100 percent male. The way I handle that is just to be me. My goal is to be 100 percent me and allow myself to feel gender fluid without feeling like I should do this or should do that. There is some work involved in that. That work is to be geniune to myself and not buy into cultural stereotypes for either males or females when they don’t fit me. An example of how that works for me is that I enjoy wearing bralettes under blouses when I to feel like I have something sexy on and to show a little lace under a blouse. But I have (so far) not felt interested in using breast forms.
– Robyn
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I have been underdressing more as of late. In the past year, I have wore panties almost everyday. Recently, I have wore some of my en femme t-shirts and tanks instead of my male t-shirts under my work shirts. They are much softer and add an additional sense of dressing at work.
I want to feel less guarded regarded my dressing and I think that may come with sharing who I am with who I care about.
It is difficult to say the least to be both. I am also conflicted due to my career and the family I have.
I have told one friend of mine and now I often feel she doesn’t really want to talk to me anymore, but it’s easy to get in my head.
Right now I am actually feel quite a bit let down and feeling like I need to pack up all my stuff and pretend to be just male again. Good luck.
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I think understanding our duality means realizing that we are not part masculine and part feminine but are fully both.
What others think of us does not change who we are. By telling others may change their opinion of who we are but does not change the essence of who we are. We can deny who we are but then we are not honest with ourselves.
We should never feel obligated to share who we are with anyone, but should do it because we want to share a part of ourselves with those we care about.
I mentioned elsewhere that I don’t like the ‘Being true to self,’ or ‘the authentic me,’ mantra.
I mentioned that as a husband I’m being true to myself in being male. It’s being authentic within our relationship.
When I’m around friends. Church. Fire brigade. And wild dog meetings, I’m being authentic to myself, and those relationships as fully male.
When I’m around my brothers and sons. Once again I’m being authentic as a brother and dad.
When I’m on my own. I’m happy to dress drab, or fem. In many ways I know my dressing enfemme is role play. Fantasy. Escapism. Comic relief. Or one of many other terms.
I’m content in my duality. The question I always like to ask is “Why do you need to tell someone?”
Is it for their benefit. Or your own needs to blurt it out?
Thank you for introducing this interesting topic, Tina. It has given me something to ponder. For me, the duality is not in feeling sometimes male or sometimes femaile, because I always feel male no matter how much femmewear I have on. For me the duality is in the often-changing desire to dress male or female. On the one hand, life seems so much less complicated in a male t-shirt and shorts, but the desire to slip on panties and a bra never subsides for long. The duality for me is not in identity but in how the impulse to crossdress or underdress turns on and off in such puzzling and unpredictable moments.
for me, my male side is protective of my feminine side from being found out. My counselor, thinks if I could go back and choose, I woudl come back as female. Which I do agree to a point. I love my male side, but also hate the “persona” of male attributes that society expects of males. I love getting dressed up with all the makeup, satin n lace.
I think most of our struggles are acceptance from society, our families and SO. Make no mistake, we can be our own worst enemy to our desires to dress up. it can play hell on our mind. At the end of the day, we have to not rely on others for our own validation and encouragement (which we all want, need and desire) but to truly be ok with who and what we are…both male and female which combined together make us who we are.
Very well put!!
Loves!
As I get older, I find it harder to hide the CD side of me. It just gets so tiring to hide it all the time. It is not that I need to share a secret with someone. It is more that I just want to be me, and be accepted as me. I would love to not have to choose between what I want to wear vs what people think i should wear. I admire and love all of you who are out and proud. Little by little you all are paving the way for people like me who dream of being as free and open as you leaders. Boooo stereotypes, boooo conformity, and BOOO the judgement from the small minded and miserable.
Loves to all the beauty and colour you all bring to this world.
Stay sparkly!
HugsThis topic is interesting and shows the diversity of humanity even among specific group I.E. Crossdressers. For my self I very rarely feel the need to be fem, I am male and I like to wear soft and pretty things when I can. If I was younger and have the information I do now I might feel different about it but when I started putting on girls cloths I did not even know the word crossdress or trans, the lexicon did not exist in my world and there was no internet.
I work on cars for a living and have Blue Collar neighbors that I have a lot of interactions with so I keep it on the down low. I have very religious in-laws that for the peace of life I would not bring this out to them. I have told a few people and have had sleepless nights over it every time. I totally get the desire to have other people know and approve of who we are or even just be nonplused about it. I am hopeful for the youth and hope they can have an better time of it no mater what spectrum they fall on.
Hello Tina,
I don’t know if this applies to you or if you’ll understand what I’m trying to say, but your post got me thinking about being honest with people and ourselves. From my point of view, my feminine side, my “Jill” side, is for me and me alone or those that I trust with this knowledge about me. Would others benefit from knowing that I’m a cross dresser, transvestite, or whatever label they feel the need to slap on me? Most wouldn’t. In some cases, it would certainly hurt some of my family and friends. Therefore, I don’t tell them.
If such information is none of their business, and it isn’t, then not telling them isn’t being dishonest. The dishonesty would be to deny questions or accusations regarding my cross dressing. To say, “No, I don’t wear women’s clothing. I’m not one of THOSE guys.” would be dishonest. To go along with others when they ridicule guys like us, would be dishonest.
This is intimate knowledge of us that most people never need to know. Think about it this way: Do you run up to everyone you know and meet and and tell them the size of your penis? Probably not. And why? Because that is intimate knowledge that they probably don’t want to know, and frankly, it’s none of their business. That is for you and a very small circle of people you trust. I would say that your cross dressing is the same way. YOUR business, YOUR intimate knowledge of yourself. None of theirs. We love to wear women’s clothing, for God’s sakes, (and don’t get me started on my love of wearing panties) we’re not out there committing crimes. We’re not harming anyone. Not telling others about our cross dressing isn’t being dishonest. It’s something special about ourselves that we share only with special people, until we’re ready to share, if we ever are, with everyone. I hope this helps you,
Hugs, Jill
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I feel reconciliation with my duality has hit a wall as I have told so few people, I don’t feel I can dress as I want when I want. That does not mean I want to dress en femme all the time but a lot of the people I know are unaware. I don’t want to keep it secret but have a difficult time revealing this part of me to anyone. If I like to dress both masculine and feminine, I should share with more people so I can choose without it being a big surprise. Eventhough I dress in private, I am very much closeted.
I like what you have said. I have enjoyed the comments as well. We all are indeed on similar paths in crossdressing. It does give me comfort to know that I am not alone in this. Young crossdressers are as bold as can be now. We older ones still have a bunch of stigma to deal with though. Cheer on sisters, We’ve come a long way!
For me there is no longer any duality, as I have come out fully to almost everyone that matters that I am a transgender woman. At my age, after hiding myself since I was 4 years old, the sincere need to become who I truly am became more important than it has ever been before. I could no longer tolerate that hidden part of my life. On this March 31st it is International Transgender Day of Visibility and it is the day that I reveal my true self at work, everybody in the building where I work will know and I have their full support. In fact, I wasn’t aware of the significance of March 31st until a staff member who knows I am trans came and told me that I’d better be visible that day. They know who Lauren is and what she looks like already and have been waiting for me to truly come out and show up full time. So on TDOV 2022, March 31st, Lauren will debut. I am both excited and a bit scared all at the same time, but knowing I have so much care, support and encouragement from my co workers will make it an easy and wonderful day to debut!!
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So far, I have told more female friends and family than male. I found females are more accepting. I did tell my very good male friend yesterday. He did not react very much at all and we did not have a conversation reagarding it.
I would love to take the same step that you are taking. I will definitely be thinking about it on March 31. Maybe I will do something subtle yet visible. Maybe I will be ready March 31, 2023.
this one made me think thank you for this post i have never went out in public dressed as a woman i no what im like as a male but as a woman ive never been out of my house i only have fantasies about it i should take a road trip and go out as kelly to see what she is realy like she is most likey a nervous wreck
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