- March 24, 2021 at 3:28 pm #468659MelanieElizabethParticipantRegistered On: January 9, 2021Topics: 10Replies: 120Has thanked: 256 timesBeen thanked: 663 times
Does any else feel like life would be easier just being “normal”. This isn’t going to be a fun post but I just wonder how others feel. I don’t want to say that cding is a curse but it has felt that way to me at times over the years. I feel pretty good about myself these days and have been honest with my s.o. about it. I’m in a decent place personally but this post is more about parenting. I am a dad and a few years ago my daughter was playing dress up with my son he was about 3 at the time. She put one of her little tiaras on his head and and some kind of a tutu around his waist it was just obviously just good clean fun. But I have to be honest I wanted to reach out and rip it off him. This was before I came out to my wife back when cding was just a little fetish(that’s what I told myself). Seeing him that way was a reflection on myself and my inner feelings it had nothing to do with him. It made me think of lonely times and secrets kept from loved ones. It pointed out my short comings namely not accepting myself and not trusting loved ones to accept me. It left me wishing and hoping he would just be normal(you all know what I mean) not like me. No one is “normal” after all but as a parent we just want our kids to have the lives that will make them happiest without the stress that we had. I know that’s not a popular thing to say here but it’s how I felt in that moment. I’m an accepting person in general and would not judge my kids or try to change them. Has anyone else felt that way in regards to themselves or a loved one?
Total of 24 users thanked author for this post. Here are last 20 listed.
- April 11, 2021 at 4:23 pm #476546Michelle TrottDuchessRegistered On: April 7, 2021Topics: 1Replies: 131Has thanked: 290 timesBeen thanked: 541 times
Your comments brought tears to my eyes. So well thought out and open. I often think it would be much easier to be the so called normal. I put a lot of myself and my energy into being a CD. Perhaps that energy would be better spent elsewhere. I also watch some sports and movies. That time would also be better spent somewhere else. But I know this is who I am. It makes me whole. I wish it didn’t but it does and I am unhappy without it. Be a good parent and spouse and that all anyone can ask of someone. It’s something to be proud of. Good luck.
- April 11, 2021 at 3:57 pm #476528Katie TimeDuchessRegistered On: April 3, 2021Topics: 17Replies: 118Has thanked: 727 timesBeen thanked: 642 times
Well here goes, when my daughter was a senior in high school and I was clueless about deleting history on the computer she saw the sites I had been searching, now my daughter is one smart kid, she is in her final year of her PhD but back then after that event she had a bit of a meltdown. I still have regrets about what happened and its impact on her. And she never said one word of it to her mother.
Now as to normal I find that as I’ve aged I first had to accept myself. My personal story conflicted by the abuse I suffered when I was in the Boy Scouts. I think now that they may have seen my feminine side, somehow making it easier for them to abuse me.
Now though I’ve worked through most of that crap and firmly believe that I welcome my feminine traits and think myself better for having embraced them. I am my own normal, end of story. As always 💕💋 Katie
- April 14, 2021 at 7:38 am #477549Bridgette VonSmirffLadyRegistered On: October 18, 2020Topics: 29Replies: 902Has thanked: 12700 timesBeen thanked: 3341 times
I know my abuser/molester used my femme traits against me. All too often. But those traits were there whether he was or not, and still are. It took a long time to reach the point where I’m at now, but I like me, I accept me, and I’ve never been more comfortable in my skin. I too, have my own “normal”.
- April 5, 2021 at 5:22 am #473912Polly StewartLadyRegistered On: January 2, 2021Topics: 12Replies: 933Has thanked: 1321 timesBeen thanked: 3172 times
- March 28, 2021 at 11:22 am #470257Mary PriscillaDuchess - AnnualRegistered On: May 23, 2020Topics: 1Replies: 84Has thanked: 140 timesBeen thanked: 323 times
Many thanks for a very thought-provoking post. I will not reiterate what sisters like Araminta and you have already posted. I will share one definition of a teacher. “A teacher is a person who holds a mirror up to each person in the class so that they can see their reflection. As painful as it was for you to open your heart like you did, Melanie, it was a gift to many who have or still need to embark on the same journey.
- March 28, 2021 at 11:54 am #470272MelanieElizabethLadyRegistered On: January 9, 2021Topics: 10Replies: 120Has thanked: 256 timesBeen thanked: 663 times
Omg Mary you are so sweet. This post was something that’s been on my mind a long time. I know this site is all about embracing Cding but sometimes uncomfortable and less positive emotions can exist even in the most advanced and mature among us. Giving support and receiving support from others is what makes this place so great. Ive thought about new members and nonmembers(not sure if non members can see forums)when I read stuff like this because most of us started in that place. I remember trolling this site or places like trying to get answers or at least some perspective. That’s why I really appreciate the replies and support I’ve found here. Thank you all.
- March 28, 2021 at 9:48 am #470241TJ LibertyLadyRegistered On: June 29, 2020Topics: 12Replies: 81Has thanked: 591 timesBeen thanked: 307 times
This totally resinates with me, my wife was supportive to a point. But its pretty clear that she would prefer things if they were ‘normal’
As a consequence I have pretty much pushed things back into the closest. Other than a bit of nail polish and some some long tshirts that’s pretty much it.
- March 28, 2021 at 9:47 am #470240TJ LibertyLadyRegistered On: June 29, 2020Topics: 12Replies: 81Has thanked: 591 timesBeen thanked: 307 times
This totally resinates with me, my wife was supportive to a point. But its pretty clear that she would prefer things if they were ‘normal’
As a consequence I have pretty much pushed things back into the closest. Other than a bit of nail polish and some some lkng tshirts that’s pretty much it.
- March 28, 2021 at 7:19 am #470202Caroline OBrienLadyRegistered On: April 18, 2020Topics: 5Replies: 98Has thanked: 357 timesBeen thanked: 488 times
I empathize with the situation between your ears. I enjoy crossdressing but I’m ashamed of it at the same time.
My wife knows and encourages me to dress. She even recommends I come out to our four children. I told her, “ I don’t want to be a dad/grandad in a dress”
Being normal would be easier, but I’d miss the intense pleasure I get from crossdressing so the emotional roller coaster continues.
- April 14, 2021 at 4:32 pm #477737
- March 29, 2021 at 7:11 am #470671Jane DonLadyRegistered On: March 4, 2020Topics: 3Replies: 50Has thanked: 14 timesBeen thanked: 139 times
Caroline–on “coming out” to Everyone–Friends/family ect–(with your wives’ support– Generaly-I think that’s a Good Thing- But-You Do have to be prepared to lose “Some” friends–to have” Some” family start avoiding you somewhat–& not really knowing for sure who & how much they accept it– I Had 100% support from my wife (she even had fun with my fem side) -I/We “thought” that All five of our “Grown” kids were totally supportive -& there seemed to be no problem with the grandkids-At home I’m dressed 95% of the time-They visited all the time weather Alice was here or not -then-about 2 yrs ago Alice(wife) suddenly dropped dead (heart problems) -Now–only the two youngest visit at all & I just don’t get to see the grandkids– Now I’m second guessing myself- Were they just visiting for their mothers sake & putting up with me? It sure didn’t seem that way when they would visit & stay a few hrs even when their mother wasn’t here- I really don’t want to be a downer–but I’m not sure what to think-
- March 27, 2021 at 3:58 pm #470000Araminta PurdyDuchessRegistered On: January 23, 2020Topics: 6Replies: 343Has thanked: 590 timesBeen thanked: 1248 times
Societies, of various sizes and focus, enforce conformity through the use of pressure or authoritarian techniques. That is, persons of specific ideologies convince a number of people that their point-of-view is not only the correct one but any other view is not only wrong but undesirable. Those convinced persons then exert various types of pressure; legal, community, institutional, unions, workplaces, schools, well, you get the idea.
For a long time, the majority of issues were judged on personal beliefs, and for many this is still true. Any behaviour they felt to be deviant they identified as immoral. Basically deviating from a common sense of ethics.
As some became uncomfortable enforcing their ethical regulations upon others based on the unknown, possibly unknowable, and as they sought a more ‘rational’ basis for justifying their conclusions they turned to mathematics, specifically statistics, and one could write a Ph.D. thesis on the development and application of concepts of ‘normality’ based on the majority in the middle. The most obvious variation of this is the bell curve of Intelligence Quotient tests. What the rationalist failed to notice is that opinions on appropriate behaviour were still largely based on information received from the influential idealogues.
Thus both the concepts of ‘moral’ and ‘normal’ have the cachet of judgmentality with more than a sheen of animosity created by a lack of understanding.
In the television series, “Cheers!”, a fixture at the tavern was Norm. On, “Star Trek: Deep Space Nine”, a character was an alien, deliberately based on the character, Norm, called Morn. Since I do not claim to be particularly moral and especially I do not share the moral values some seem to endorse, and since I would not reslly wish to be just normal I think I would rather be ‘mornal’.
Mornal simply means not necessarily being like everyone, or anyone, else. It does not necessarily mean being particularly extravagant or excessive. It means not always fitting other persons’ expectations or requirements but any variations are not harmful or offensive. They are sane, healthy, beneficial and … interesting!
I prefer to be mornal.
I think your reaction, in your son’s instance, may have been partially protective fearing the bludgeoning effects of morality and, possibly, having experienced them. While it is good that you recognize the dichotomy of feelings and behaviour within yourself as this is the key to generational growth. For example, my father and grandfather were, in their time, functioning alcoholics. I am not a teetotaler, but the alcoholism hopefully stops with me and my son and granddaughter will be free of that particular problem. Hopefully, the prejudice against cross-dressing can also be dealt with at least partially by one generation seeing the problem and at least quenching it within themselves. I would not wish you son to be normal, however, but we can hope that he will be mornal.
- March 28, 2021 at 4:25 am #470125LadyRegistered On: January 9, 2021Topics: 10Replies: 120Has thanked: 256 timesBeen thanked: 663 times
Araminta thanks for the thought provoking response. My thoughts that day were coming from a place of confusion and pain. My urge to protect my child from that I know was irrational but it was the way I felt at that moment. Cding and substance abuse are very different things. One is benign and the other is something that can destroy lives. While cd isn’t destructive per say it can be something that can be emotionally destructive if you let it be. I guess at that time I was in that lonely place isolated place and I wanted to protect him from those emotions I was feeling.
ps I didn’t know there were so many fellow Star Trek fans here on cdh
- March 27, 2021 at 3:50 pm #469995Laura LovettLadyRegistered On: March 26, 2020Topics: 13Replies: 1112Has thanked: 3645 timesBeen thanked: 5365 times
DJ Laura spinning a tune for the moment…
Stick with it – about 1 minute in, everything will become clear.
I love Professor Elemental!
There’s no such thing as normal – everybody’s wierd!
- March 27, 2021 at 2:34 pm #469968Jessica WildeLadyRegistered On: October 5, 2020Topics: 34Replies: 151Has thanked: 208 timesBeen thanked: 1246 times
I know what you mean by being normal. Yes life would be easier as a “normal” man. I’m not a normal man though. I have accepted who/what I am. Do I completely love myself? Depends on the situation. I am exactly who I am and don’t want to change it. Do I wish I could change certain circumstances within my life? Sure. Do I want to be normal? Nah. I like being different. Always have.
- March 24, 2021 at 10:00 pm #468800Paula FDuchessRegistered On: August 7, 2019Topics: 14Replies: 1075Has thanked: 14513 timesBeen thanked: 4264 times
Society tells us to ask “What is normal?”. Normal as in a personal way? A societal way? Or, heaven forbid, a sexual or racial way?
Growing up in the 60’s and 70’s, we were told to be our own uniqueness, don’t conform, we are all individuals. Relish the difference, grow into more than the next person, question most of what came before us. We had the power to be one amongst many. A lot of us here remember those days, and were bombarded with those slogans and catch phrases.
Those of us who remember those days have now lived long enough to see society do a 180 degree shift. If we voice the idea that we are different and unique, then the label makers come after us. How dare we feel or think that we are any different than anyone else, get in step, keep your opinion of your self worth to yourself, give up your individualism, turn in any book written in the baby boomer age. How many of us read ‘Farenheit 451’?
I, for one, value the uniqueness of us. We may only share one trait that we see as normal, but that is what makes us normal. We are all human beings, anything that puts us into different groups, begins to dilute ‘normal’.
Grab your uniqueness, hold it close and tight. Don’t let the ‘public rulesmakers’ take it away from you. Influencer’s be da***d. I am myself and that is MY normal.
- March 24, 2021 at 8:34 pm #468792Jane DonLadyRegistered On: March 4, 2020Topics: 3Replies: 50Has thanked: 14 timesBeen thanked: 139 times
In a lot of ways “Pretending” to be “Normal” Might be easier–But Pretending does have it’s limits– Just Imagine–How long do you think you could handle Pretending to be super rich or famous–?? Putting on all the proper airs ect ect–or for that matter super poor–Living on the streets–look what happens to Professional actors when they can’t “Turn it off” (Robin Williams comes to mind– sooner or later we have to just be ourselves -at least in part of our lives-
- March 24, 2021 at 4:45 pm #468687Eva KellyDuchessRegistered On: March 1, 2021Topics: 7Replies: 257Has thanked: 2830 timesBeen thanked: 1227 times
I see being transgender as a gift. It just took so long for me to accept myself. I was hiding it for most of my life. I am happier, calmer and nicer to be with as a woman. I have very limited acceptance from those around me which does not seem right. Why do I have to hide my real self because others cannot accept the real me? It would be easier for everyone around me if I was not transgender. I am not sure how my future is going to play out, but Eva is not going back into the closet.
- March 24, 2021 at 4:40 pm #468685Bianca EverdeneLadyRegistered On: April 11, 2017Topics: 24Replies: 777Has thanked: 3105 timesBeen thanked: 3118 times
Hi Melanie Elizabeth
My personal opinion.
Yes 100% it would be easier to be ‘normal’ as you say. A safe normal man, I can do that. I’m sure you will get ‘What’s normal?’ and ‘Who wants to be normal?’ but I totally get what you mean. Most women want ‘normal’ safe, dependable, someone they can happily show off to family and friends, look I’ve got a normal man, not a man in a dress.
I’m a single parent. Sure I want a girlfriend. And think I wouldn’t have too much trouble if I purged all my Bianca stuff, and buried these feelings to act ‘normal’.
I am lonely, and know my chances of ever getting that sweet spot of trusting a woman enough to tell her about my femininity, not leaving it too late for her to feel I’ve betrayed her keeping secrets, and for her to actually accept this part of me, are one in a million.
But I think I would be living a lie, saddened hiding this, best, part of me.
Everybody must make their own decisions in this life and be prepared to live with the consequences of these decisions. Personally I’ve decided it’s better to be the real me alone, than to act out a part to attract a girlfriend, or friends in general for that matter. And I have come to terms with my decision. I count my blessing, I’m healthy, have a wonderful son and daughter, a job and my own home. Just live for today.
- March 24, 2021 at 3:58 pm #468675Laura LovettLadyRegistered On: March 26, 2020Topics: 13Replies: 1112Has thanked: 3645 timesBeen thanked: 5365 times
The biggest problem we all have is that most people don’t seem to understand cross dressing, especially in men.
All they know is what they’ve seen on telly, on the internet or films – and it’s presented in either in a comedic or fetishistic way – or both, with the shadow of homosexuality as is the general case with drag queens.
Very, very few famous men actually cross dress. The artist Grayson Perry has a dress sense verging on sissy, Dame Edna Everage is a parody, as were Hinge and Bracket and Dick Emery, both Julian Clary and Lily Savage are both gay – and Eddie Izzard is Eddie Izzard (and wonderful, but not a representative of CDs as a group – how can they be, when we’re all sorts of different?).
Until people fully understand that married, heterosexual men can feel the desire to cross dress, and that it’s not the domain of mysterious gender/sexuality based groups, they’ll never fully understand why we dress in our chosen way – but they shouldn’t have to!
It needs to be known that cross dressing is for anyone and everyone who wants to do it – what good reason is there to feel anti CDing?
I don’t mean personal taste, or incorrect associations (heaven knows, people shouldn’t be so prejudiced against gender groups or anyone else in the first place – this whole thing is a big non-issue blown out of proportion by people who “think” there’s something wrong with it, but if pushed, couldn’t rationally explain why!). Diversity isn’t just important, it’s essential.
When you ask “would it be easier…?”, I would counter-ask “easier for whom?”.
Hiding the desire to dress a particular way is not simply irrational as well as illogical, it’s damaging.
Suppress one thing, you start to suppress other things that might give the game away. You become paranoid – what if she finds my stash? What if she already found it, but didn’t say anything? What if my neighbours see?
Being uncloseted suits me – and I get that it doesn’t suit everyone, due to their personal circumstances – having lost all the nonsense, I get time to fully be myself, and, until you experience that, words cannot express the transformation it has on one’s mental health.
It’s like the boiling frog scenario – you don’t fully realise what’s happening inside your mind and how that translates into your life, and the experiences of people close to you until you’re out of the hot water, and in the fresh air, simply being what you always knew you could be.
I know this has turned into a bit of another Laura rant, but you’ve raised some really good and important points, so thank you very much – and thank you for taking the time to read my rantings!
- March 24, 2021 at 4:35 pm #468681LadyRegistered On: January 9, 2021Topics: 10Replies: 120Has thanked: 256 timesBeen thanked: 663 times
You are spot on Laura. This happened before I was honest with myself or spouse. I wasn’t in a good place at the time I was stressed out about the urge to cd and felt so self conscious. As a parent you never want your children to have to struggle or feel emotional pain or distress. I know that playing dress up isn’t going to lead to a life time of cding and if it did then so what. But at that time and in my emotional turmoil I just really hoped for an easier life for him than what I was dealing with. I have to admit at that time i did feel a bit cursed.
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