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I’m sure this topic has come up many times, but I have not been able to find it when it’s moving…
What would you suggest as an approach to ease my wife into a more accepting place?
I should establish that she already knows I am a crossdresser. She has not rejected me but doesn’t really like it. I unable to ever do it at this point for two reasons: Most importantly, it would be irresponsible use of my time and financial resources and the other being that there would be no place to politely hide it at the moment. That being said, I am always thinking in the long-term. She knows that this is something that will never change and is very unlikely to become a permanent problem, so I am certain that one day it is something I will be able to resume in some way.
Realistically, I would be happy to just dress up when I get the chance – an unforeseeable future when I have significant alone time and space for a wardrobe that could be left alone. I feel like before that could happen I would prefer her to feel comfortable enough that were she to see anything it wouldn’t be so discomforting for her. It’s a tough topic to breach and on an everyday level not a high priority but I would like to be able to use my free time to dress and not have to panic or even purge.
I know there are a lot of girls here with a similar degree of acceptance from their SO, but it seems like there is a place for their supplies that will not be found, or at least that privacy will be respected. That’s just not possible for me, so how can I get my wife more accepting in the mean time?
Try to find a way to make it beneficial for her when you are en femme, Make her dinner, do some household chores, make her feel like a Princess. Let her know it is not all about you, but a deeper and more meaningful relationship where you love her more because you love yourself more. Good luck and many blessings.
Bea
One thing that helped me was the concept of ‘girls night’. We schedule regular times that allow her to do things with her girlfriends which then provides me with my own girl time.
That’s another one which works well in theory but we have a pretty isolated existence in which she really don’t have any “girls,” and I work nights. With a toddler it’s hard to work it in during the day as a substitute too, so that’s why I’m hoping to get her to a more conducive level of acceptance by the time such things are logistically possible.
I have no experience at all regarding crossdressing and relationships, but two thoughts occur to me for this.
The more general one is that a little humor can go a long way in diffusing many situations and removing awkwardness. I don’t mean your crossdressing shouldn’t be taken seriously. Its just that showing an ability to laugh at stuff tends to put people at ease.
The other is that you could maybe try to get to the bottom of exactly what it is that bothers her about your crossdressing. If she’s trying to understand your perspective, then you should be trying to understand hers too. There are a lot of reasons why a woman’s husband being a crossdresser might bother her, and if you figure out what your wife’s are, then maybe you could help her work through them to your mutual benefit.
Hi Ashley , well with ” no experience ” you’ve certainly got 2 extremely valuable points , my wife & I use humour around my crossdressing a lot , it’s a comfort , less confronting thing for her.
For us to have survived & grown through this we both needed to understand each others perspective , it’s allowed compromises on both sides . Yes there are tougher days , but we can ease the harder moments by returning our thoughts to what the other is ok with. ☺ Tiff
Hi Ashley , well with ” no experience ” you’ve certainly got 2 extremely valuable points , my wife & I use humour around my crossdressing a lot , it’s a comfort , less confronting thing for her.
For us to have survived & grown through this we both needed to understand each others perspective , it’s allowed compromises on both sides . Yes there are tougher days , but we can ease the harder moments by returning our thoughts to what the other is ok with. ☺ Tiff
Hearing more about what bothers her about it is a good idea. Next time it comes up I’ll ask more about that. When it first came out she talked about how women can’t compartmentalise like men can and that was huge – meaning that she would have trouble separating the part of me that at times wants to be a woman and the man I usually am. I hope that one day she will know that “she” has always been there and is a direct channel to the parts of me my wife likes best, even if less attractive to her.
Humour I worry about for my own sake. I am trying to have more a laugh about it myself, but my need to crossdress is attached to so much childhood trauma it’s hard to not treat it with a little too much seriousness when it’s discussed.
I’m still struggling with this, as, like you, I have a lot of bad associations to get over. The conversations I have with my wife are charged with my own tension and hers.
As painful as it currently is, I am determined to keep the conversation going, as much on her terms as I can comfortably allow – after all, there are 2 of us involved here, and both of us want our relationship to work.
I’m finding both counselling and humour here, and in person simply by going out dressed in as many situations as I can comfortably face.
If I can’t be totally comfortable with myself, and even laugh at myself, how can I expect her to?
I’ve had 50-odd years to try to come to terms with this side of me, and it’s only recently taken off, with the knowledge I’m neither alone nor weird.
Well, maybe a bit weird, but now I actually like everything that’s weird about me. If I was different, I wouldn’t be enjoying the many fruits now!
So more hard work on myself, share the benefits with those around me, and hope.
That’s my current plan – a bit leap of faith and genuinely scary, but quite exhilarating – and seems to be having good effects.
Early days yet.
Hope you find a positive way forward
Love Laura
Hi Aoife If you are like me your desire to express yourself in a feminate way mostly likely is not going away. We all have tried it in so many ways. My wife found out by finding my fem cloths in the trunk of my car. Eventually we all have to be honest with our selves and accept who we are. My wifes main cocearns were , she asked if I was gay and she was concearned about people disrespecting me if i was seen in public. I dress every weekend and every morning before going to work. My thoughts are simple my wife should know everything about me. Let her dictate how much she wants to deal with. She really does not understand how much you and her have in common. Luv Stephanie
I am not sure there is much I can say to help. Everyone’s experience and the way we relate to it is a little different. As a GG all I can do is share a bit of my own experience. When my hubbie came out to me as a Crossdresser, we have already been together and married for many years. So, it was a surprise to say the least, but at the same time sort of not. I feel like he was hinting at it with conversations we had and documentaries we watched together, shared a childhood experience, so by the time he told me, it was like my vision came to focus. That aside, he didn’t push it all on me, gave me time to process, ask questions and took it a little slow with me. So we eventually started shopping for her, getting her pantyhose and lingerie, then a dress, then forms and a wig, gave her one of my bras. I first saw her in underthings before seeing her fully dressed and with makeup. Now I’ve seen her dressed in many different stage. Sometimes Fully Femmed Up, sometimes just leggings and a tee, etc. Just depends on her mood.
So, at first it was something I needed to get used to. I did my best to keep an open mind and understood that it was going to take me sometime to wrap my head around this. But I persisted and kept an open mind. I found as time went on, I became more and more comfortable with her dressing. Also, came to the realization that I have never really been entirely “straight”. Her coming out to me made me look deep inside myself and helped me figure out things about myself I never really allowed myself to consider. I kind of view this as I get to have the best of both worlds… It also helps that i feel attracted to her when En Femme. BUT, not all SO/GG will feel this way.
We try to keep an open communication, be honest with each other, hold back a little when necessary and help each other out. I try not to dictate too much, my only boundary is not to go outside dressed until she has comes out to some family and friends. I’d prefer us to set the narrative and not have them find out by accident. I prefer for her to dress when she feels like and can, and when she doesn’t, I tend to ask “why aren’t you dressing?” Usually it’s because I can tell she needs too. She just seem happier after she does. Also, because I find I need her to, so things feel more balanced. Keep in mind, this didn’t happen over night, I have known now for 3 years, the first year or so was the hardest. We still work on things from time to time, but I think are in a good place. We are trying to plan a vacation where she can go out and explore being outside the house where no one knows us. It’ll be an interesting experience for the both of us.
Last thing, I am generally consider myself to be an open person, I have friends, family and clients from all walks of life, different sexual orientations, Races, Religions, Ages, etc. etc. To me people are people, the rest shouldn’t really matter. At the end of the day, she is the person I married, and we all change and grow overtime, that no one remains exactly the same (if you don’t think so, looks a little harder), and that this wasn’t something that had to be a deal breaker for us. For me, there was room to add in a 3rd person so to speak. We are on our journey in this life together and we can either try to find happiness in one in other or not.
-Gwenn 🙂
Thank you! Difficult as it is to imagine my wife ever embracing it to this point it does make me feel like there could be some girl time in my future. I have not been very demanding about it because unfortunately it is impractical to try to work it into my life right now and will stay that way for the foreseeable future.
I do hope the conversation comes up more because I really want her to understand and more and more I feel like it would be the kind of relief I need. So much of my adult life, I have resisted the urge to dress just because I really can’t afford it and with our goals as they are and a toddler to manage now is no exception. It’s just not going to happen. Despite this, we both know this is never going to go away and it’s just hard worrying that ever seeing any of it will alter her attraction to me. I feel like the relief and joy that I would show just being able to do this, even completely out of her sight may eliminate that, but at the same time I am extremely hard on myself and may feel negative, even if I were to get a full transformation and see the woman inside…
It’s complicated, but this does help and give me some hope.
Hearts and rainbows,]
Aoife
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