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I am dealing with a lot of negative vibes. All internal. I find I have a cycle, almost monthly where most of the time I am at complete ease with myself. I love the feminine nature and like to show a little or a lot of my feminine side. And then theres days like today when I hide her away and even feel shame that I have this desire to Express myself. Not sure if it is my age and how long I have been hiding this but these were the days i used to purge my cloths to erase this part of me. Now I have collected too many cloths to do that. And I know it is too real a part of me. Still does not change this blanket over my soul. How do you all lift your spirits and give yourself so slack? I need a lift.
Thanks for sharing Erica. I find I have the same cycle. Every person does. I wish I had a better answer for you other than to say that no mood, good or bad is permanent. Everything in this world is transitory.
You just have to keep your smile on even if it’s a lil fake eventually you’ll feel it perk up and before you know it you’ll forget all about how down you were. It was at those points I would make foolish decisions like drink. If you can avoid self harming behaviors you’ll pull right out of it.
Hugs
Toni
I appreciate you kind words. It is so important to remember. This to shall pass. Good or bad we are in flux.
Hi Erica,
I am sorry to hear that you are feeling low. I think many of us have those moments, so please continue to reach out. By the way, thank you for contributing to the Media Review. It means a lot.
Hugs,
Michelle
Thank you so.much for asking me to write that. I was so happy to see it printed. And these few simple comments go so far.
Tillamook Marionberry Pie ice cream always works for me! (Just kidding – and no intention of making light of your concerns…just hopefully trying to make you smile!)
I find that journaling my life as I more and more develop my “Shawna Persona” helps immensely – because I have 2 rules: (1) I make an entry EVERY day. (2) In EVERY entry, I list a minimum of five things for which I’m thankful OR 5 positive things learned from the day OR a combination of the two. I don’t limit myself to just 5 – but I’ve found that even on the darkest days, there ARE positive lessons learned and things for which I can be immensely thankful. Don’t worry if you repeat things you’re thankful for…for example, I’m thankful every day that I have a wonderful wife…every day I’m reminded of what unconditional love is all about when my German Shepherd greets me as I get out of the car…even when she gets muddy paw prints on me…lol!
I hope this helps, Erica – Hugs!
Shawna
Thank you it does help. I have a journal book I bought. I have been afraid to write in it. I am not sure if I want my thoughts available. But I am going to start it.
One thing I’ve found about CDH is that I’m not alone. Some of our stories are so similar. I know exactly how you feel Erica! My “cycle” is around 3 months, 3 months or so of Tanya then she fades away. 3 months or so later she starts to emerge again. I’m just coming out of a second 3 months! Writing on CDH helps! Good luck!
I call it “Backlash.”
I’ve treated this essential femme part of me with shame and confusion for so long that I know the fearful and shameful part will come up from time to time as I explore more and more of my feminine nature and joy. As I push outside of my comfort zone, that backlash is more likely to whip on me for a while. These days it seems to be for only a few hours rather than a few days (when I first started this journey in earnest).
Now that I know what it is, I can anticipate some of the events that might trigger that backlash, and maybe do some proactive self-talk of kindness and self-love. Or, when it does hit me with backlash, I can just sit with it in compassion and thank it for trying to protect me from ridicule. I can say, “I’ve been expecting you!” It’s part of the human condition. Not good, not bad. It just is.
I am in a much better place today. I am overwhelmed by the support. I hope you all understand the power a few supportive words can hold. I feel like there are people who get me. I just wish I could hug you all. Thank you so much. 😚
Yes and yes.
I pass by a ton of fashion shops in NYC during my work day. Sometimes I slow-walk past and do a little window shopping, some days I avoid the block because I just don’t want to think about it.
I think it comes down to self-acceptance and owning the fact that we’re doing nothing wrong.
Thank you, sounds like a nice walk. you must see the best cloths, not only in the shops but on the people. I love window shopping the women at work. sometimes I just want to know what it would feel like to wear the whole outfit.
I do actually it’s kinda nice walking around and seeing all the new styles that are coming out, plus this city tries to be fashionable. It’s funny you say that because I was actually admiring my office manager’s style recently, she’s always dressed really well and very professionally but it’s never boring. Trying to copy her a little bit!
You are who you are.
There’s no need to be ashamed of that, ever.
In fact, it’s detrimental to those around you, so save the shame for when you’ve actually done something you’re ashamed of.
If you put heart and soul into everything, then you should have no shame, only pride in your efforts and achievements.
Love Laura
Well said Laura non of us having nothing to be ashamed of as far as dressing is concerned and I am sure all of us have plenty of other things to worry about. Mostly nobody is getting hurt and as I read on another topic many think it makes them a better and more understanding person. There are enough things in this world to depress you and I speak from experience but what clothes I wear isn’t one. Accept who you are and try help the world improve, you’ll get a warm feeling from doing both.
Donna x
I had the opportunity to go for a walk en femme last Wednesday.
I didn’t take it because I hadn’t gone out for a while and I hesitated. I could not bring myself to walk down the same road I’d walked half a dozen or so times, because of the intermittent traffic.
What if someone catcalls or beeps their horn or makes it known I’ve been outed?
The fear had crept back, and I slunk back to my house.
I felt such a wave of regret and disappointment in myself that, when I got another opportunity on Friday, I reminded myself of that regret, and it became the driving force.
I walked happily and a bit proudly down the road, no-one rooted or called, I walked 2 miles across the fields in a lovely flowery summer dress in the warm sunshine and felt so amazingly Laura that I still want to shout and sing about it.
My whole being has been suffused with light and revelation in the delights of the small things in life.
Visiting friends of my wife’s was an absolute pleasure rather than the chore I normally find it.
My wife told me she was impressed with the efforts I made to be sociable.
It was no effort!
I Love being Laura sometimes, and I hope you get to feel that much love too, lovely ladies!
Love Laura
Hi Erica,
Reach right in that closet and put on what makes you feel best!
Easier said than done, I know. Used to be I would dress, have some fun (alone) and maybe pleasure myself, followed by intense guilt. Those are the times I would purge. Only to have something trigger the desire in me again, and have to start all over again.
I think too sometimes the feelings we have come from the little voice inside saying “something is wrong with you.” I’ve come to believe that is not true. Particularly when someone might suggest one should seek out counseling for our “condition”.
I believe it is the people who do not accept what we do, that need counseling. You, we, are fine. What we have, what we do and what we desire is a part of our being, and that is wonderful.
Maybe look at things from a different perspective. It may take more than one attempt to find that angle, but when you do you will be liberated, and that blanket will be replaced by wonderfully invigorating garments.
Love and Hugs,
Rebekka
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