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I think what is most frustrating for men who put on the woman from time to time is that we constantly see women complain about the very “problems” we would love to have. ‘Oh, your boobs jiggle when you run? Let’s trade! I’ll gladly and quite literally take the problem off your chest and make it my own.’
I deal with woman envy, at times much more than others. I like being a man for the most part but it still comes with a bland pallet of choices and forms of expression. I never get excited walking through the men’s section like I do when walking by the women’s. Heels, dresses and tops, and everything in the underwear section definitely catches my eye, V the kind of woman that likes the idea of being seen as attractive, even if it’s just for my own perception. I’ve never gone out in public. It’s a private act that, outside of two short times, has never been in the company of my wife. She’s given me a couple makeovers, which were nice, but they only go to a point. She’s okay seeing the dress and wig; she’s not too comfortable seeing the breastforms, which I can understand for the most part.
There is a lot of loneliness to this thing, a lot of wishing I could just put the desire away for good because it’s never going to give me the reality I envision at times. But my hope for the desire to leave doesn’t. Maybe if I were to separate myself from all feminine things for the rest of my life… but even then, the temptation to cross my legs or stand with my hands on my hips like a flirty girl would still be there. And it would win out ultimately. There is no separating myself from V, which is where I struggle with the balance. Sometimes I love being the man in our relationship; othertimes I just want to be the woman. This is definitely a layered thing when trying to be a good father to my girls and a good husband to my wife.
Is there a harder thing to convey than this? To be a straight man that is both attracted to women and attracted to the idea of experiencing the things a woman experiences while wearing the inner woman? It sounds bizarre to people outside of it. It sounds like something we should just be able to get over. For me it is definitely a compartmentalization kind of thing. When I put on V, I sit the man down for a time. My life is the life of a man’s. The structure of it, the normality of it is all built around me remaining a man. So…
How do I deal with the woman envy without being a rain cloud around my wife? Should it be something I just discuss openly no matter what kind of day she is having or had? Should I go into details? It’s not like I can just drop everything and put on V whenever I want. She is usually an at-night appointment, when my wife and girls are sleeping. It’s nice but it’s also lonely. I suppose getting to hear from somebody who feels the same way would help. The option I wish was presented was meeting some people that deal with the same thing as me, where we could openly discuss it, where I could talk out the things I don’t want to burden my wife with. Kind of a pipe dream though haha
This has really been a post of rambling and for that I apologize. Usually my thoughts are much more put together but tonight I am just kind of frazzled. Envying your wife because she gets to be a woman is not a fun place to be in and it’s one I find myself in more than I would like.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated,
V
Hi Valorie
Is can be a lonely existence, the life of a secret cross dresser, and I can totally empathise. It was such a release when I found this site, to know that we are not alone, that our wonderful obsession is not that uncommon, and there are others in the same boat with whom we can share our feelings about it.
I only get the occasional opportunity to get fully into Bianca mode and go out, and guess it could be compared to a woman who only occasionally gets the opportunity to get all dressed up for a special occasion.
I have spoken to females on this site and now have more empathy for the gentler sex. They point out the difference between the thrill of spending a long time getting ready, to look your absolute best for a special occasion, and the necessity of having to do it everyday. I can see how it would, after years, become a bit of a chore. I have a never ending admiration for women I see with perfect hair, make up, outfit,accessories,nail polish,etc,everyday, don’t know how they get the time. Even just having to wear a bra everyday rather than choosing to do so, can see how most woman are glad to be free of it at night !
Just enjoy the time you have the opportunity to dress, see it as a kind of hobby if you like, some de stress on the golf course, or fishing, and many cross dress, just a little release from the humdrum.
love
Bianca
You are not alone, Miss Valorie. There are many more of us than you’d think. I am entirely a private crossdresser. And even though I live alone at this point in my life, I still go through ebbs and flows regarding how often I get my CharChar on. Some nights I just need the comfort that only a silky chemise and pantyhose (and a good cry in the fetal position) can give me.
One thing I will never do is purge. Charmagne is a part of me and she always will be. I will never deny her right to exist, even if it’s just within these four walls. She brings me great joy and happy tears.
Please feel free to add me. I’d welcome the opportunity to ramble in our special corner of cyberspace. Opening up about our feminine side and the challenges it presents is what I love most about our sisterhood here at CDH.
Love and hugs, CharChar.
Valorie, they say time changes all. You are fortunate your wife likes to play with you. I went for decades having to hide. My wife was sometimes insanely against it. I remember the thrill when she and the kids would go on a trip and I had to stay for work. The nights were sheer heaven as I wore my pretty things and played with makeup.
Then things did change, the wife left me and now I am my own. I still had a hard time getting out in girl mode because of where I was living. I remained closeted. But I did start getting out once in a while. I was lucky to meet a contact who belonged to a girls meetup group. That was a big changing point for me. I had to travel more than 300 miles to meet with them and although a hassle it had its benefits. I didn’t worry about anyone in my community seeing me when I went out. I just spent last weekend with the girls, going out Friday and Saturday night. I stayed in a Tgirl friendly hotel. It was a nice one, bar, restaurant, etc. I stayed as a girl the whole time. I set up a little makeup station on the desk in my room, hung my pretty dresses in the closet and filled the drawers with my lingerie.
During the day I could go out and about in public, no one cared. I went to a mall to do some shopping and even put gas in my car while dressed in a short chiffon skirt and white blouse. I giggled to myself when I caught myself worrying that someone would see my panties when the wind swirled around my legs.
Life can be a long time darling, just keep on the path and you will be the girl you want to some day. Keep on girlin, LOL.
You’re not alone, girlfriend!
I believe there’s a way forward – after all, it’s only a social construct, not a heinous crime we’re dealing with.
Attitudes do change, but slowly. Patience and determination are the keys.
Allowing yourself to be yourself is both liberating and life-enhancing for you and those around you.
Enjoy your time as your female self!
Love Laura
Hi Valorie. You are not alone. At least your wife allows you to dress somewhat. There are lots of us who are in the same boat as you. We live double lives but neither two are 100 per cent. Give your wife time to adjust and gradually add a little now and then….ease her into the idea of a full blown woman from time to time. Your desire will not go away…so why fight it? My door is always open….do come in and set a spell….let’s chat and see if we cannot help help you. Till then……..TTFN
Dame Veronica
Hi Valerie,
Thank you For this heartfelt and eloquent post. You are not at all alone in feeling the way you do and in your struggle to come to terms with this activity.
The paragraph that really resonated with me is the one where you ask is there anything in the world that is harder to convey than this? I think you’ve nailed it there.
I tell my wife that I don’t even understand it so how can I expect her to understand it? I only came out here last year after being married for 33 years. Needless to say, She is still struggling to process it and I must say that I am too.
I think that you’ve landed in the right place this is a great community. I think for many of us like myself this is an outlet a place to share our stories, our struggles, and also the photos to get some validation instead of remaining alone and in secret with our dressing.
Thank you again for your wonderful post I hope some of the responses here or in someway helpful. I wish you all the best as your journey continues. Hugs, Mona
There’s a lot to unpack in your post – I’d like to pick up on the “How to stop being a rain cloud around the wife (and children) part.
That really is a tough one.
I promise myself nice makeup, new knickers, expensive tights – anything to make the most of the precious time we have together.
The one thing that really helps chase the rain cloud away for me is having a definite Laura date.
Without that, I have so many rain trigger points – my wife complaining about uncomfortable tights, skirts or heels is a guaranteed mood clanger for me. Oh that I had those problems!
Rainy moods are such a waste of time – completely counter-productive and a boost to bad mental health.
How do other sisters cope with this?
Love Laura
Thanks for the interesting post Valorie
That envy can be a two way street, how quickly it could become a mundane chore if we were expected to be in our femme form all the time.
There are gg’s who wish that like their SO’s they could just throw on a pair of jeans and Tee to run out the door. In fact there are those that do just that, in my mind it rarely works out well lol.
While introducing Olivia to an accepting female friend I half joked that the next time she thought to complain about having to shave her legs, to think of and visualize the quest of me and my poor razor.
Hi Valorie,
Quite a bit you covered here but speaking to the “problems” issues, I think there are some like myself who wish we could have those problems. When you spend so much of your time wishing you didn’t have the male anatomy, you find yourself longing for the boobs that sway and tug on your chest, finding the right bra size, putting up with the discomfort of periods, the daily “grind” of applying makeup to look one’s best….we dress to be what we wish we could be. For those women who complain, if you could ask them “Would you prefer to be a man?”, I wonder how many of them would give a “yes” response to that. I realize my post does not apply to those who are happy in their male skin and dress to enjoy womens clothing but I think the women who complain have it better than they realize (or maybe they are just having a bad hair day). Anyway, thank you for your very thoughtful post.
I generally don’t get envious of my wife probably because we’re together so much that I’m accustomed to her clothes and what she wears . I will feel it when she returns from shopping and shows me her purchases . My envy will come from women I see in public. I don’t have a great sense of fashion but I know what I like when I see it and I will get envious when I see a women wearing an outfit I would love to wear myself . But it’s often from just seeing a women going about being a women. I was in Home Depot last week ( being a contractor I’m there often) and an attractive women in her 40’s caught my eye. She was wearing jeans with booties and a long wrap type belted sweater , I couldn’t really make out the top she was wearing (I was trying not to stare) if she had makeup on , it was very light. Her hair was pulled back in a pony tail and she had her bag over her shoulder . I caught myself wondering what color and style panties and bra she was wearing. I was delighted when she asked my advice on a bath faucet . Her perfume smelled like my favorite Light Blue . Just the way she moved and carried herself had me jealous, add to it that she was wearing exactly what I would want to wear if I was going to Home Depot enfemme, which will never happen. That little incident stuck with me for several days and it has me shopping for a sweater similar to what she was wearing. Valorie , like you I enjoy being a man.. but I love it when I get the chance to let the girl in me come out
hugs
Nancee
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