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I’m going to try and be as bold as possible in this introduction and
perhaps putting it into words will help me understand myself a little
more.Hullo, my name is Erin and so far as my femme identity is concerned, I am seven days old.
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Let’s rewind slightly. I was raised in a very conservative way and I went to an all boys grammar school in the north of England where masculine ideals were paramount – All that mattered was Rugby, cricket and academic subjects. I was in no way exposed to the idea of a non-binary until I was much much
older, I also spent very little time online so it wasn’t until I moved house that I was exposed to properly open-minded people.Towards the end of primary school I had crushes on some of the other boys, I didn’t think anything of it, there wasn’t a word for it in my head and besides, I was only 9-10 at this point.
I passed my 11+ Exam which allowed me into the grammar school which put me into a situation where I was surrounded by a thousand slightly conservative testosterone fueled boys. Not the most accepting environment. I came out as gay when I was 14 or thereabouts and surprisingly people didn’t make too much fuss. A lot of people didn’t believe it, some people teased me but for the most part, it was just a fact of my personality. Telling my parents aged 15 was a mistake but not one I will get into on here.
From about the age of 13, whenever I was left home alone, I was go into my sisters room and borrow bras and lipstick. It was never a sexual thing, it was just satisfying on a personal level but I was ashamed of it and never shared that with anyone. There were three occasions that I wore makeup when my mother saw – first was blue eyeliner, second was plum lipstick and third was grey nail varnish. Each time I was told to immediately remove it on the grounds that it was “offensive”.
I moved from the north of England to the west midlands between 5th year and 6th form, which puts me at 16. I started at a coed school which was great, I’ve always had a far better rapport with females than males and the exposure to girls made me re-evaluate my sexuality. I also met some of the most wonderful people and my friendship group to this day is grounded in good communication and unconditional acceptance. It’s a pretty chill place to be.
A couple of years passed, the first involved drugs, depression and dropping out of university. The second involved finding my feet and just getting on with living and not indulging any of my thoughts of self identity. The second year was actually very helpful and I learned a lot of eastern philosophy and read a lot into Buddhism and picked up some real life skills.
Finally we are up to the current year. I met my girlfriend at a festival last August, I spent a year growing out my beard which concluded in October and I have kept facial hair until the end of March just gone. I reached a point where I was happy with myself and my body, I had an actually viable plan for my future, I was in a stable relationship with good friends and hobbies.
And then I met Erindale.
I went to spend a week at my girlfriend’s house and while there she wanted to go through some of her old wardrobe and work out what to pass to charity and what to keep. I wanted to try some things on and offered myself as a doll for her to dress up. A few hours later we were going through everything to find me whole outfits and the goal became, not what should go to charity, but what should go to me. I shaved off my beard and we did my makeup. My girlfriend did the heart-wrenching thing of quietly asking me “you won’t get too pretty for me will you?” I’m sure it was more a veiled compliment than an actual worry but still, I do love her so much. My name came from reading her a Celtic fairy tale (The Shee an Gannon and the Gruagach Gaire) in which is the King of Erin. I affixed -dale to the end because it felt right to promote a more natural environmental feel with the name. It just wanted it to feel like the name and person were not disparate objects.
My girlfriend at first was happy for me to be Erin but at the same time wanted to
still be able to have time with Theo. It wasn’t until we had a proper 3am chat and cry (I don’t condone drugs but they certainly helped us reach this point faster than otherwise) that she recognised that Erin still loved her just as much but was happier and freer and after more time and crying she told me that she loved Erin too and that I could spend as much time as Erin as made me happy. I will be forever indebted to my girlfriend – she has shown me that I am deserving of love no matter who or what I am inside and out. She really is an amazing person.I am quite open and forward with this sort of thing with my friends these days so it didn’t feel like coming out. I just sent a couple of my friends pictures of me as Erin and they were like “Yo, looking good!” and that was about it. Two of my female friends want to do my makeup and my best friend is going to come charity shopping for clothes for Erin. I expect that that will be my first time out and about as Erin which I am scared about and excited for. Just hope I don’t bump into my boss…
But I feel way more comfortable with myself sat here in a bra and shirt than I have in a really long long time. Maybe one day I’ll want to live as Erin full time but right now family are the main restraint. I’m 21 and living at home still.
Cross dressing and being trans are very hard topics to communicate effectively and I appreciate that I’ve been unimaginably lucky in my social situations. I imagine a lot of us are kind of going through this intuitively so as soon as it comes to trying to put it into words for someone, words somewhat fail us. It takes patience on both sides but I’m glad that we have this website as a safe place for us to feel comfortable with ourselves and not feel persecuted.
Sorry for such a long introduction!
I hope you are all having a wonderful day!
Erin x
Very Nice Erin welcome To CDH Hugs MJ
[quote quote=20051]Hi Erin, welcome to CD Heaven. That is a fantastic story and you are incredibly lucky to have such wonderful accepting friends. Your intro is definitely not too long. I look forward to reading of your further journeys of self discovery. [/quote]
[quote quote=20052]Very Nice Erin welcome To CDH Hugs MJ [/quote]
[quote quote=20053]Hi Erin and welcome! Such supportive folk to help and accept you. You are lucky and look great! Christy. [/quote]
[quote quote=20057]Hi Erin, It is wonderful to have girlfriend who is accepting. I sincerely hope that you get as much enjoyment and emotional fulfillment out of this site as I do. This site has helped me tremendously. Welcome to CDH! Steph. [/quote]Thank you guys for stopping by! It is a very welcoming forum! I already feel supported!
Erin x
Hi Erin and welcome to CDH.
Rachel
That’s a super introduction Erin, I enjoyed reading it. Hope you enjoy this site as much as I do.
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