It has been over a year ago that I first started to accept the feminine part in me. I had been reading a lot of stories here on CDH which I could relate to and that made me see that I was not crazy or a weirdo. Many had experienced the same feelings that I have had since I was 7 and it was a true relieve to find out I was not alone. Early on in life I had chosen to suppress my feelings and emotions, to not show others I feel in part feminine inside. Up until last year I had enjoyed the occasional dress up, wearing dresses, lingerie, heels, nylons. It was exciting at the moment, but was always followed by feeling weird, ashamed and guilty.
Last year has been all about accepting myself. With the help of others and allowing myself to let my emotions and feelings be there, I started breaking the ideas and believes I had constructed in my mind. I found people around me who accepted this feminine part of me and I talked a lot with them. With building my confidence that I should be able to live my life, I had a strong urge to go out. Express my femininity, which I did for the first time during an outdoor photo shoot. That event boosted my courage and need to go out again. Since then I have been out to several events and evenings. Getting more confident, but more importantly, feeling more comfortable with myself each time. Allowing my emotions and feelings to be there, taking down the facade I had constructed since my youth.
When I am out en femme, I feel true to myself. This is me. For the last year I have been trying to figure out what label fitted me best, crossdresser, two spirited, transgender. Slowly I am letting that thought go. I am me, I feel I am a woman, even though my body does not confirm that. I guess deep within I have always known, but have been very successful to lock it away, trying to fulfill what I thought others needed or expected from me.
I feel liberated when I am out expressing myself, expressing Liv, but since I have a family I love dearly, I feel torn regularly. I do not want to hurt them, but know somehow I need to tell them. It took me so many years to accept for myself and I really try to take it slow with them. Hoping to find a new balance, hoping our paths will not be to far apart.
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