Exposure – true to myself

This topic contains 5 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by  Jennifer 6 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #91501

    Anonymous
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    It has been over a year ago that I first started to accept the feminine part in me. I had been reading a lot of stories here on CDH which I could relate to and that made me see that I was not crazy or a weirdo. Many had experienced the same feelings that I have had since I was 7 and it was a true relieve to find out I was not alone. Early on in life I had chosen to suppress my feelings and emotions, to not show others I feel in part feminine inside. Up until last year I had enjoyed the occasional dress up, wearing dresses, lingerie, heels, nylons. It was exciting at the moment, but was always followed by feeling weird, ashamed and guilty.

    Last year has been all about accepting myself. With the help of others and allowing myself to let my emotions and feelings be there, I started breaking the ideas and believes I had constructed in my mind. I found people around me who accepted this feminine part of me and I talked a lot with them. With building my confidence that I should be able to live my life, I had a strong urge to go out. Express my femininity, which I did for the first time during an outdoor photo shoot. That event boosted my courage and need to go out again. Since then I have been out to several events and evenings. Getting more confident, but more importantly, feeling more comfortable with myself each time. Allowing my emotions and feelings to be there, taking down the facade I had constructed since my youth.

    When I am out en femme, I feel true to myself. This is me. For the last year I have been trying to figure out what label fitted me best, crossdresser, two spirited, transgender. Slowly I am letting that thought go. I am me, I feel I am a woman, even though my body does not confirm that. I guess deep within I have always known, but have been very successful to lock it away, trying to fulfill what I thought others needed or expected from me.

    I feel liberated when I am out expressing myself, expressing Liv, but since I have a family I love dearly, I feel torn regularly. I do not want to hurt them, but know somehow I need to tell them. It took me so many years to accept for myself and I really try to take it slow with them. Hoping to find a new balance, hoping our paths will not be to far apart.

     

     

     

     

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  • #92629
     Jennifer 
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    Registered On: January 5, 2017
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    What a wonderful story, Liv; thank you so much for sharing it with us and congratulations on that important step!

    Hugs, Jen

    Jen

    #91697
     Dee Writer 
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    Registered On: March 7, 2018
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    It is hard to come out to family, but I have been lucky to be able to come out to some girlfriends at the place where I work.  I can dress in my office and nobody minds.  My only advice is that you share your inner girl with someone, even if it isn’t your SO, and get that support and honesty that she needs.

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    #91607
     ANDREA RAVEN 
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    Registered On: December 21, 2017
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    Hi Liv, Lovely to read your story, I can relate to most of what you are saying, I too have been bottling this thing inside me for many years and it has taken me a while to come to terms with it. I have been here on CDH only for a few months, and it has made a huge difference to my life. I’m not out of the closet yet, but I am greatly encouraged by reading stories like yours. Thank you!

    Andrea xx

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    #91572
     Heather Jameson 
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    Registered On: September 5, 2015
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    That’s great Liv, the hardest thing we all do is accept ourselves. I beat myself up for over 30 years feeling guilty and deceitful and contemplated suicide more than once before finally realizing I wasn’t a bad person or some kind of freak. Keep talking with your wife and family, it’s hard but it’s worth it in the end. By the way, I’ve seen your  pics and you are as beautiful on the outside as you are on the inside.

    Take care, Heather.

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    #91513
     Bianca Everdene 
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    Registered On: April 11, 2017
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    Thank you Liv for sharing your story. Many on this site, myself included, can empathise, and identify the thoughts and emotions you are going through, it is a great comfort that we are not alone with these feelings.

    It is such a joy to spend time on our looks to help reflect how we want to identify to the outside world, but perhaps more importantly it perhaps allows us to express more freely the more feminine aspects of behaviour,personality, expressing feelings etc, which in our ‘strong male’ mode perhaps we consciously or unconsciously repress.

    As you know I also keep this side of me from my family, a source of angst, guilt that I have to keep something from them, when I know inside I am doing nothing wrong. Sounds like you have a pretty good balance at the moment, doing a great job Liv !

    And well done for not getting hung up trying to attach a label to yourself, but if I was to attach a label to you how about a ‘wonderful,complicated, beautiful,caring person.

    Love

    Bianca

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