- This topic has 14 replies, 2 voices, and was last updated 4 years ago by
.
- Posts
So I have actually been giving a lot of thought to transitioning. I really do sometimes yearn to be a proper woman and confidently live my life but then again I get scared thinking about how this would affect not just me but everyone around me as well. Sometimes I wish if I could just go to someplace where nobody knew me and start afresh as a proper woman but that is a fantasy. I looked up the local psychologist and endocrinologist as well as the surgeries(youtube has some pretty gruesome stuff) and given an unconditional option of transitioning, I would take it without any second thoughts. However, once again the thought of how because of me transtitoning my parents and relatives might have to suffer, comes back to haunt me.
I am on a see-saw of emotions and nether side seems to be giving up.
Anybody else feel this conflicted ?
I appreciated your post because this is something that I have given much thought to as well. From the time I was fairly young, I have wanted to be female. However I work for a fairly conservative company in an industry where background checks and security are the norm. Earlier this summer while visiting family, a sister in law brought up that a teacher at her school had come out as MTF. The comments made were pretty awful and that certainly gave me pause. I try to be as feminine as I can without being to obvious. I shave my legs and usually wear womens underwear, pants, and shoes.
But I also go through periods where I feel comfortable as a man. So I continue to be conflicted as well and find myself straddling a line between desiring to be a woman yet feeling comfortable as a man. As I have gotten older I have become more accepting of being a man. If I was in my 20s instead of my 60s I feel fairly certain that I would make the transition.
Rachel,
I can relate so much to the feelings of conflict you describe. In my heart I feel like a woman, and although I have supportjng friends, the thought of how it will affect me and others is stopping me. My wife tolerates some femme time, but expressed that she cannot follow me if I were to continue my journey further. Potentially breaking my relationship, thoughts of how my workplace react hold me back. As a step, my therapist advised me to take a week off and spend it en femme, to feel what it is like in normal live routine. I normally only go out once or twice a month. Please drop me a PM if you want to talk or know more.
hugs, Liv
I feel pretty much the same way, Rachel…like I’m constantly weighing these two seemingly contradictory instincts. Sometimes I can’t bear the thought of not transitioning. But sometimes I can’t bear the thought of putting the people in my life through that. I feel stuck, with no clear and positive way forward.
Hopefully, things grow clearer for you, me, and the rest of us see-saw-ers, hon.
This is an interesting thread.
For a long time I convinced myself that I was just a crossdresser. That is was nothing more than this. I was in denial. I have always known that my inside, Stephanie, did not match my outside. I was never one of the boys; always one of the girls.
Acceptance of who I truly am was something of an epiphany. I quite my denial this year. I felt for the first time that I knew who I am. I am Stephanie. I looked into next steps, I allowed myself to think of my future life as the true me, but reality came knocking.
I feel the same emotions that you do Rachel. On one side there is the hope that I can truly be happy with me, but the cost of doing this in terms of hurting people I love feels like an emotional burden that I cannot take. At the same time, I feel like a bird trapper in a cage, looking through bars at the sky, trees and experiences that I can look at from a far.
I am in therapy. But I always come back to the same, dilemma, is it better for one person, me, to feel hurt rather than hurting everyone around me.
Rachel. I understand. I don’t have the answers (if only). But I am always happy to chat.
The only thing that gives me comfort is that Stephanie is me. What I look like and how I dress does not change the fact that I am Stephanie. I know who I am; I just can’t let the whole world know.
Stay strong
Stephanie x
Hi Rachel, my wife has embraced who I am and we are going along the transition path together. Transitioning does not mean SRS at the end of my journey. It does mean HRT, possibly FFS, hair transplants, and possibly liposuction surgery to remove fat from where it shouldn’t be and place it where it should be in order to develop a more feminine hourglass figure. Once done I will have been living as a woman for a couple years and changes will still be happening to my body through hormones. Voice change will not occur so vocal chord shaving is potentially next. One surgery besides SRS I will not have done is breast augmentation. No fake breasts for me saline or silicone. Too many health problems related to that surgery. If I end up with B cup breasts so be it! My mother had C cup breasts and on my dads side his sisters had C/D cup breasts and my female cousins have C/D cup breasts. So genetically I could have up to a D cup if I am lucky, C cup would be great but I am an A cup right now so chances are I will be a B cup. No worries.
The difficult part is coming out to my children. They live on West coast and I live in Midwest. But tell them I must because they deserve to know and if I love them as I did when my first wife used them as blackmail during our divorce whatever the outcome I will not have them find out from anyone else but me. I am so sure their SOs will not Approve. But I have to tell them anyway.
My wife’s children? 2 know and the third is the toughest. He is a minister with a masters in divinity. A more straight laced man you could not find anywhere in the Midwest. So he will be a challenge but work will be less so. Work has LGBTQ discrimination policies in place with training for all employees and procedures for a transitioning person to follow on their journey. HR even helps to notify the department(s) involved to ensure a smooth transition with work before or during HRT. In this part of the country I happen to work for a very progressive Children’s Hospital. I have met others who have transitioned and some who are transitioning. This is a real possibility for me so I am going to take the chance because I may not have this possibility in 5-10 years. So I need to Shyte or get off the pot 😂.
My sister in community, Rachel, advice is all well and good to give you but in the end only you can make this decision. Taking family into account is magnanimous and very kind of you but it is still you in the end who will make the choice and live the choice. Whether or not they approve of that choice and support you is their choice. Feel them out but it will either be you or Rachel who talks with them daily in the end. I apologize if this is difficult to hear but you know it is the truth for us all who will make this choice.
Hello ladies!
This has also been on my mind I do want the transition. My wife told me she understands my desire, she won’t stand in the way. She also told me she wouldn’t stay, because her husband will be gone.
It’s a really tough decision. I have to dwell on. My support group is really strong. Even my daughter who is 14 knows I’m trans and she loves the idea. She said to me “Your my dad and I always will love you.” I about lost it knowing my daughter will always be here for me and she was the most of my worry if she would accept it.
I’ve been very fortunate, now I feel Destiny’s calling. I’m not sure where to begin at.
Mee too…
i am not able to give up my desire to become a woman….but thinking about ma parents..make me feel sad..but am sure that i will take the decission to live my life as a women within a couple of years…i wish and pray to god that my parents should accept me as their daughter…if so..no one else in the world matters…
I know how you feel. I’ve been considering transition as well. and it is hard. I think the biggest thing you should consider is what would transition mean for you? and what does being a woman actually mean? you transition your stuck. no going back. need to understand that.
if you understand that, and still want to go through with it. then do it. you only live once.
and if you do decide to transition, make sure you have support. its not something you should do by yourself.
Right there with you. My mom passed years ago but my dad is totally homophobic and I don’t think there is any way he would accept me transitioning. I don’t live near him but was visiting last week and while we were out he made a senior at a gay fellow that crossed our paths. Made me very sad.
My wife is also very supportive and is a God send to me. She has given so much but has said she would leave if I transition as she doesn’t want to be married to a woman.
I have so much anxiety over it as I think if given the chance to transition without any complications from other people (wife, family, co-workers etc) I would do it. I feel so comfortable when I am Pam.
Good luck and thanks for listening.
Pam
Hi I understand where you are. I’ve written this over and over trying to get my thoughts in order to not make this too long. After years of denial I came to the conclusion I was a crossdresser. As I started dressing more frequently I realized I don’t just want to dress as a woman I want to be a woman. I told my therapist that when I’m dressed I see my authentic self. I feel normal. It’s a difficult feeling to describe other then I feel right. I realized I am transgender. My last session was what are my feelings as I transition to my authentic self. My biggest feelings/challenges are loss and fear. To lose my family and fear of the unknown. I don’t know about you but when I was in denial I was not an easy person to live with. I’m lucky my wife hasn’t divorced me. I was moody and drank a lot. Now I’m happy again. I don’t want to go back to being that person. We feel selfish or at least I do that I will be happy but it will hurt my family. But my family wasn’t happy when I was in denial. I made life at home difficult. We have to be who we are for our own mental health. As much heartache that my coming out will cause it’s better then being a a***hole to my family for no apparent reason. I’ll be coming out to my family after the holidays. Well… that’s the plan. Lol. If you feel like chatting pm me. My apologies for the rambling thoughts. I tried to keep it short and concise. I think I failed. Haha.
Hugs,
Angela
Angela, I am totally with you. It is not that I like dressing as a woman, I want to be a woman. I am in my early 60s and work in a fairly conservative industry. My immediate family does not know about my desires and I am not sure how well it would go over given some of the comments they have made about transgenders. So the thought of going through with it is a scary proposition. But I have been taking small steps. I am getting laser hair removal on my face and seriously considering facial surgery to make me present a little more feminine without coming completely out.
Like others here if I were younger and did not want to hurt family I would very much consider it , In my younger years I had no close family at the time so it would have been perfect timing , I just didn’t know who I was back then so struggled to be a man , I have pais , Partial androgen insensitivity syndrome , a form of intersex due to under masculinized genitalia , It has done for the most part what its supposed to do but no where near normal , At this age its used for self pleasure and urination , My confidence is out the door , No one wants me like this not even gay males , At this point in my life instead of transition I will continue to be a CD and hope to find someone excepting of me , Someone like me [ Intersexed }would be wonderful , I’am single , haha !
You express genuine fears. I did lose my family. But they were unsupportive of me long before I came out of the closet so in that sense I had already lost them and the abuse was such that I no longer cared what their latest anathemas may be. I did lose work and was blacklisted 3 times in as many industries. But over the course of years I overcame. I overcame because, even in the worst of times when I was homeless, I never resorted to begging. I kept looking for people to help and made friends thereby. When it came to coming out and living as my authentic self, the social capital ultimately became my support structure. That takes time, often years to cultivate, especially when faced with backstabbers.
Some transition, some transition but only on certain levels. Some find the cross dresser narrative personally fulfilling. One can be pragmatic in this regard and you are no better or worse for any, as long as it works for you.
- The forum ‘Transitioning for Transsexual Women’ is closed to new topics and replies.
Recent Comments