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The older I get the more difficult it is sometimes. I could always look in the mirror when I was younger and see enough there to satisfy both aspects of myself. Not a handsome man but cute enough with a certain feminine cast to my features, the eyes especially. The male side of me can cope with the changes well enough, they’re only natural after all and I neve expected to stay young forever. What I struggle to cope with is the increasing retreat of the feminine aspects I used to see so easily. It’s as though it separates the woman from the man in a way I never really felt before. Now she feels trapped inside. This was never an issue until the last 5 years or so and now I feel like it’s getting worse by the day.
Is this disphoria? Or am I just pining after lost youth after all? I do know that the more trapped my feminine side feels the more powerful and present she is in my day to day existence. A lot of the time this is exiting, experience a certain amount of giddiness and enjoy finding ways to express my femininity. Those are the good days, today is not one of those. Today I just feel overwhelmed, I don’t know what to do with all of this and that makes me sad.
I do think a lot of it is just aging and the general sense that we are not at our physical peak any longer. Women feel the same, hence all the anti-aging beauty products and procedures.
Pit one a pretty dress and just enjoy your femininity. We never have been, nor every will perfect males or females, so just embrace what you have.
Your comments do bring up some past memories for me and the longing of youth. While I tried on mom’s things once or twice when young, and enjoyed it, I never dressed until later in life and never really thought about it, with the exception of my legs. I always loved looking at my female classmates in middle school and wondering if my legs were as pretty as theirs. The girls were just starting to wear nylons and I was always envious. I cycle a lot and have pretty descent legs (if I do say so myself), so it was felt good to shave and start wearing stockings. At my age my legs just aren’t what they used to be…still fit and slender, but not the smooth pliant skin of youth. I wear shorts 95% of the time so my shaved legs are always on display, but it sure feels good to slip on stockings to give my legs that smooth, silky feel that time has slowly been taking away.
So sorry you’re feeling a bit down. It happens to all of us at times.
Yep getting older can be a struggle when we realize things are changing and not for the better. Just remember there are older GG’s out there who age gracefully and can still pull off a beautiful sophisticated mature look and we can too but it takes more work.
Hope your dark mood passes quickly and you can enjoy Mishi again.
Thanks Michelle. I’m in awe of those girls if I’m honest, their beauty and their courage is inspiring and daunting in equal measure. I’ve never really had the space or solitude to be able to dress fully or experiment with make up, not since I was about 17 or so anyway. The prospect of the changes and upheaval that I would need to go through to be able to to it now is very daunting. It feels like that is what I need but It feels like I’d have to break my entire life apart to reach that point.
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Also, remember, with age comes wisdom. We soon learn that many of the fears that held us back in our younger years really aren’t hat important. We all have that fear of whether dressing is normal or not. It is perfectly normal, it is just that not a lot of us do it. If nothing else aging lets us cast aside many of those fears and worries and just enjoy life.It seems a common thread where as we grow older the urge becomes greater. In our younger years it was easier to look girly but puberty, ageing and life makes the feminine look all but disappear. Circumstances also play a great part and an understanding spouse is pivotal so can understand your sadness.
The only answer is that you work out your opportunities and have the conversation with the spouse and see where it goes as from your profile it seems she is aware and you have been out. It could be that she will have nothing to do wit your hobby but can continue within boundaries.
Like real women age takes a toll but like them you could benefit from the range of products available to hide bulges, boost the boobs and even the hips too and create as feminine a shape as possible. Practicing simple make up and a good wig will finish it off. It would be a labour of love. I would recommend popping into Boots or similar and asking about make up, daunting yes, but this is the 21st century. Also a wig salon to find the best wig for you.
I hope that you find your way out of sadness and develop your feminine side.
Hi Angela. Yes she was aware in the past and as I said in my profile i’d be surprised if she doesn’t at least suspect now. The truth is though that we just aren’t as close as we were back then and I fear that this would only drive us further apart.
Thank you for your kind words, tomorrow will inevitably be a brighter day. I think I need to start thinking seriously about how to navigate this though because it feels like something needs to change. xx
Interesting post and thoughts. I have a birthday coming up and “feeling” older. Used to be birthdays were just another day. I often feel younger than I am.
But I do have feelings of lost time and opportunities, and at times feel like I’ve lost sight of myself, who or maybe what I am. Not sure how to handle it all. I don’t know if it’s a dysphoria of some type, or just the normal part of aging.
I’m trying to figure things out, re-find who I am but right now that is a bit fluid.
I do wish I had some time back however, that I know. That I know, is entirely impossible.
It’s easy to look back and see another path you coud have taken, a whole different you living a whole different life. I’m trying to learn to view wishing for that time back as a message to live as authentically as I can in the here and now and make the choices I was too afraid to make back then. I’m still really scared though so I’ll keep you posted as to how I get on 😆
Fluidity can be a real bitch sometimes right? Don’t get me wrong, I generally view it as probably the most amazing and precious gift that my inner self could ever have been granted. But bloody hell it can make it difficult to ground yourself. Sometimes it would just be nice to be able to anchor my self to an identity for a while. To have certainty and to not suddenly find myself, in the middle of a random Tuesday, crying in the toilets at work because I’d been going around happily being a man and then snap, I can’t stand to look at myself with the stupid beard I’ve let grow for a few weeks. Seriously brain, if if I could just get a little warning to mentally prepare myself that would be lovely thank you very much 😆
Anyway, hugs to you xx
I had similar feelings, that I now remember as a creeping dread, and actually leaned into it for a few years, revelling in the fact that I was finally looking manly enough that I didn’t question things when I looked in the mirror. But I was quietly hating it and myself.
I finally realized that was going the wrong direction for me. I had to start living the life I’d been pushing away for so long. So I started plucking the eyebrows, wearing makeup (most of the time) and getting rid of body hair. My hairline could use some work but maybe hormones will help me a bit there. We do have to accept our bodies as we grow older but you can battle the old man look if you want, in small or big ways, and find your balance again. Hugs!
— Abbie 🥰
You hit the nail on the head when you talk about balance Abbie. My younger face,and body for that matter, had enough of a blend of masculine and feminine that, most of the time, I was at least content with my appearance regardless of which aspect of myself was ascendant at the time (ill considered beards not withstanding). I guess it’s just hard to feel a little bit sexy when You look in the mirror and see the early but unmistakable signs of your Grandad’s face emerging from your own 😆 xx
Hi Mishi,
I know exactly how you feel. I have two pictures of my wife and I on my desk at work. One is a photo of us taken on our wedding day 22 years ago, and one taken just a few years back. It’s essentially the same pose that is a close up on our faces. I look at the younger me and definitely see a very feminine face with soft features. I look at the more recent photo and I see a middle aged man with very masculine facial features. I have no doubt I have physically become more masculine as I aged. I remember vividly back when I was in my mid 20s and dressing regularly. I would look into a mirror and see a young woman staring back at me. The last picture I took of myself was taken last year when I had a few hours to dress. Granted I only had lipstick on, but what I see in that picture is a man wearing lipstick and a wig (and a very cute top😊). I have a very difficult time seeing a woman in that picture. But unfortunately we can’t turn the clock back as much as we would like to.
Monica xx
I feel your pain Mishi. I often wish I could turn the clock back 30 years. Fewer wrinkles and no gray hair and no arthritis pain would be a Godsend.
CassieI was quite positively philosophical about aging as a man until the realisation of what that meant for my sense of femininity Cassie. It’s something I have always treasured even during my most manly phases and to see it diminish physically, exactly at the time of life when my natural testosterone levels are diminishing and undoubtedly bringing my feminine side to the fore. Well that just seems like one of life’s cruel jokes.
Yeah, gray hair I can live with arthritis I could live without.
Take care xx
Hi girls,
As many of you know, I’m a full time girl, a trans woman, now legally a female where I live and work. Well, according to my cardiologist, transitioning has taken 15 years off of my actual age, he said it’s like I found the fountain of youth! I have pictures of the, now “dead” person, and lots of pictures of Lauren, when you compare them you can definitely see the difference!
So what I’m saying to all of you is I think that the girl inside of you is a lot younger than the “other person”, so get yourselves all prettied up, find yourself instead of feeling lost, and enjoy your femininity.Have fun girlfriends, lots of hugs to you all,
Ms. Lauren M
Actually Lauren,it sometimes feels like the girl inside me has been trapped in permanent adolescence since I first discovered her 😆 One of the things that might be nice about giving her more freedom is giving her the chance to grow up into a woman. I don’t know if anyone else feels this way but it’s certainly my experience.
The idea that your overall health, or at least your heart health, has improved after transitioning is really interesting. I wonder if others experience the same thing and if so, whether there has been any research about it.
Thanks xx
Hi Mishi,
Last year I had to have open heart surgery, the time spent during recovery in the hospital is when I realized that I could have died and it was now Lauren’s turn to live. My surgeon and my cardiologist told me I have the heart of a younger person but my arteries had suffered half a century of North American diet. I now require lab tests on a regular basis and, after the one done after I transitioned, I received a call from my cardiologist asking me if some kind of major change had occurred in my life. I told him about transitioning and, after congratulating me, he told me that holding on to that kind of secret through the years probably contributed to my heart issues, but the lab test results after transitioning showed a dramatic and marked decrease in bodily stress levels. He said I’ve probably added another 15 years to my life, so there you go.I can tell you this as well. Several months after transitioning to Lauren where I work, many co workers told me how amazed they were at my transformation. They said they couldn’t remember what I used to be like before. They told me I never smiled and now I never stop smiling, that I literally glow with happiness. My sister found my old class pictures from grade 1 to 12, and in each year I never smiled. I hated having my picture taken and was never happy with who I saw in the mirror – unless it was Lauren.
I now definitely believe there is a heart health connection with accepting and living as the person we truly are.Hugs,
Ms. Lauren M
I suspect it is less about transitioning improving health as it is being happy that does it. Being your true self will hopefully make one happy and that can add years to one’s life.
I feel for you Mishi, I really do. Not that I’m particularly old (though 45 seemed ancient when I was in my 20s) but hair loss has been pretty devastating to the feminine me, much moreso than the masculine me who really doesn’t care about all that. And in light of possible transition in the near future… well let’s just say I’d rather not be wearing beanies all the time, I’m overheated enough as it is!
Personally, I’ve just been noticing recently since giving myself permission in the past 4 years or so that I’m a lot happier with the way I look as a woman than as a man, and I’m still very much unpacking what that means. All the time I’m aware that the proverbial clock keeps ticking.
All this to say: there’s no “one size fits all” answer here. Wherever your path takes you, know that you are possessed of an inner beauty that no one, not even time, can take away unless you give it away on your own. And even then it will still be there, waiting for you to notice. 🙂
Hi Astrid, and thankyou for your lovely words!
Don’t even get me started on hair loss, sometimes it seems like everytime I look in the mirror it’s receded a little bit more! 😆 I never really saw myself wearing a wig but I guess I’m going to need to reconsider that because it’s really bloody annoying to discover that you can’t get away with having a fringe anymore.
I wish you luck with your ongoing unpacking xx
Mishi – I used to feel like this with great frequency, but probably with different triggers. I abhor the passage of time as well, and am especially regretful of time lost as a young person when I was too shy to engage in the social/sexual scene around me. It was not because of gender dysphoria (I don’t think) but because of my painful shyness. In spite of a successful marriage, as I grew older, I realized how much I missed, the relationships I passed on, the fulfillment I could have had so easily, and often depression would set in. However, when I finally embraced the CD within me – which was probably there all along and I just couldn’t admit it – the dark cloud of regret finally passed in a most wonderful way. I find I no longer regret what I have missed but rather look forward to the new experiences coming my way, and I intend to follow as many paths and opportunities that are presented. I am a much better, emotionally and psychologically healthier person for it. Almost like a second chance at being a young person – at 70. I’ll take it!
Getting older is not easy, whether you are male or female. If there is any compensation, you’ll probably notice that men and women are harder to tell apart as they get older.
I also have to contend the sagging skin, wrinkles, bags under my eyes and of course the challenges with weight, stiff joints and aches.
Nostalgia for lost youth is inevitable as time itself. All I can suggest (and I’m nearly 70) is to focus on the present. I still enjoy getting made up, nicely if casually dressed and dashing out for a cup of coffee or glass of wine. That may be all the excitement I can handle for a day! And its ok.
Hope you’re feeling a bit better today.
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