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I am married and my wife knows nothing about this side of my life. I guess I always figured the feelings would go away some day. However the opposite is happening. I want to wear women’s clothes more often, not less. I will never tell her this secret either, it would ruin and otherwise great relationship and I am 100% certain she would not approve. Lately I have fantasies of dressing up with other cross dressers and seeing where things would lead to. I love being feminine and girly and want to dress more regularly. I do feel guilty because of these intense desires to wear girls clothes. Do most others feel this guilty too?
Hi vanity fair. I to suffered guilt when crossdressing and trying to keep it a secret . After many years I have decided i have no reason to feel guilty of anything we cannot help who we are ,crossdressing is part of our lives many of us think we can stop only to find out we cannot. When I told my wife she told me we would not be sleeping together if I carried on crossdressing , I promised to stop crossdressing only for the feelings to do so come back stronger . 30 years later I am still married and still crossdressing.
Anita
Hey Vanity, thanks for sharing your thoughts. Guilt, yes, do much guilt, and shame too. Like you I thought I could stop, but the feelings are always there, just sometimes buried deeper than others.
I recently came out to my wife (we’re still working through what this means for us) and rather than calming my desire to dress, I’m now overwhelmed by growing feelings of dysphoria.
happy to chat anytime.Seraphina xx
Vanity Fair,
I have absolutely zero guilt over dressing. I owe that to my mother. How can I ever thank her.
Like you, I am not telling my wife.
As a woman I would love to be with a man. Vanity, I am not actively pursuing that, but I am “open”. Being with a man would validate the side of me that is absolutely a genuine woman.
Amanda
I reserve the right to feel guilty if I have done something I regret, I regret that sometimes I speak before I think, I regret it when my silly jokes backfire and I regret that I never had the nerve to tell anyone about my lifestyle.
In all my years as a cross dresser I have only ever seen one other, I saw her twice but she looked a bit of a bruiser so I kept my distance and missed my only chance to find a like minded collaborator.
Regretful sometimes, embarassed sometimes but guilty?…..Never say never but I don’t think so?
Sally xx
Hi Vanity
I hate to say it but after being a crossdresser for a lot of year’s the guilt never go’s away .I don’t feel guilty when I’m dressed en femme. It happens when I stop and go back to my male mode . I have to admit that my guilty feeling isn’t as much as it was when I was younger. I guess that time takes the edge off of the guilty feeling at least it has for me . I hope that this dosen’t bum you out but I’m being honest with you. Good luck with your crossdressing and stay safe and happy with what you are doing
Hugs to you
Janine
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Hi Vanity,
I have had the opportunity to meet several cross dressers over the years. I haven’t had a problems but have heard of others that have. Best use caution in any case. If that little inside voice says to beware, listen to it.
There is no reason to feel guilty. We are expressing a part of ourselves. We have to chose to let go of the guilt. Just let it float away.
Alice
She don’t approve?
Who asked her to?
Do you approve of everything she does or wears?
Sister, there is no guilt in being who you are, only in keeping it secret and becoming prey to your imagination.
It becomes a guilty secret that festers and turns into resentment the longer you keep it that way.
If what you wear ruins your relationship, it’s not much of a relationship, built on appearances. That stuff is quicksand.
Coming out changes things forever, so must be done carefully and sensitively, if you decideto do it, but the freedom to be yourself carries it’s own rewards.
This is the hard road, but sometimes the easy life ain’t all it’s cracked up to be.
No guilt, just love.
Love Laura.
Vanity,
I used to feel guilt, because I thought that dressing was something only done by Drag Queens and child predators, and I knew I was neither. Then, on YouTube and on this site, I learned otherwise, and in time, I came to terms with the fact that I’m a CD and that there’s nothing wrong with that, no matter what others may think. Then, with much anxiety, I came out to my wife, knowing she wouldn’t leave me, but fearful of losing her respect. She totally surprised me by her tolerance, and a short time later, her acceptance. Had she not, life would have been hard, but I now have the freedom to be me, and it’s wonderful.
And yes, I would like to meet other CDs, to share experiences about this thing we have in common.I still exercise discretion, to keep peace among family and friends; but I am guilt-free, as I should be, having done nothing either wrong or illegal.
Hugs,
BettylouHi Vanity I’m just like you I’m married and my wife doesn’t know about my crossdressing life, i feel the guilt and shame that comes with being a cross-dresser,
When i started in the 60s you were considered a pervert to want to wear what was classed as womens clothes so i hid it like so many others and it became a normal thing to keep it in the closet,
The only thing I’m guilty and ashamed of really is the fact that i never told my wife before we got married,
If i could go back all them years that would be the first thing i would tell her and let her decide if she wanted to marry me or not x
Hugs Rozalyne x
Hi Vanity The feelings of Guilt and shame are very common among people in our community. Denial comes just after that. We all use those tools to try and stop what we believe is unacceptable behavior. Society uses those tools also. You can rid your self of those negative feelings if you just accept how you feel is normal. You know you are not alone because you are here with so many people from all parts of the world that include multiple generations. who have and still are dealing with the same issues. We are a very small part of the population in the grand scheme of things. Due to others before us and even some here we now have a voice and as you do also. If you want to be with others in person who have those feelings then join a club or organization. You may have to drive a little if you are not close to a major city. Try to avoid the pit falls we all have to deal with if we are honest. Take sex out of the picture. Sex intensifies those negative feelings we get when we use shame and guilt. I know it is not easy. We all fall under the same umbrella . If expressing your self in private some times or if you choose to express it full time all the time it does not matter. We are all dealing with our gender identity. If I identify with a lumberjack I would want to dress and be just like a lumberjack Most likely i would choose to be a lumber jack . I identify with the female gender as most of us do, I want to dress and feel like the female gender. Please accept your self. There is nothing wrong with you. There is no cure for something that is not wrong. Luv Stephanie
Vanity
Hello. I can agree in most cases. I know I too feel guilty. I wish I could tell my wife about Tammy. I would love to, however there is no way she would ever accept it. I know this 100%. I too wish I had told her when we had met. However, that in its own is a very awkward conversation. “Gee by the way I love to crossdress!!!!” Not easy. We all have that inner fear of rejection. That is scary and uncertain. No one gets over that too easily. I just do the best I can. I deal with the situation I created. I know I have tried to stop many times. I even purged my things a few times. Not going to do that again. We just end up buying more again. Because stopping???? Can any of us really do that??? Be safe
I tried telling my wife I enjoy cross dressing an sex, and she about lost it, so I kept it quiet and now that she’s gone (passed away) I started cross-dressing more often. Although I still have to keep it a secret from the rest of my family, I don’t want to stop, and I just bought some new items to wear from the store.
Sorry Vanity, there is no guilt in wanting to meet other CDs. I just want to compare notes and share advice on many girly things and it is easier to do some of these things face to face then on line (like CDH ). I am very thankful to CDH otherwise I probably would be trying to purge again and putting CD behind me. Only to have the desires to come back overwhelmingly again.
X Sahdy X
Vanity,Like you I am married and my wife also has know idea about this aspect of my life, nor do I feel that she would understand it. I also do not want to risk our otherwise excellent situation. I do not have any feeling of guilt about my actions as it is something that is an inbred part of my being, although it is something that I wish I could share with my wife in a perfect world. On a number of occasions I have met up with other CDs for companionship and and a bit more exploration. I haven’t felt guilt about this as this is something that my wife can not provide for me. It may be somewhat akin to her not being able to go with me on a morning of duck hunting.But that she knows about. If I can give you any advice, just fulfill your needs as best as you can and try to not disrupt your relationship. XO.Sara
Hi Vanity
I didn’t answer the first part of your question!
I love to meet people when en femme, and do no discriminate – I love interacting as Laura in ways that my male side would never do.
Not sexually, dear… slow down!
I am fond of meeting CDs particularly, since we share the same passion for clothes and makeup, etc, and have met several “In the wild”, at support groups, and one via this site.
I would still question what there is to feel guilty about – seems normal to be interested in people!
Love Laura
I too am married and telling her would destroy the marriage there is no question in my mind about that. I would have told her when we were dating, but I wasn’t dressing back then. I dressed when I was a child and later as a teenager. It crept up again in my early twenties, but then went dormant for a very long time. To the point I either didn’t think about it or felt I had grown out of it. However, recently I had an interaction with an aquaintence (a male, non-sexual) and something was said that got me thinking of what it felt like to wear panties. To be honest I can’t even recall what the conversation was all about, my mind only focused on the one thing. The gate was open, and I’m older now (mid-40s), more confident, less worried about what others think and well…. In just a few months I have acquired quite a few items.
I don’t feel shame though. I do feel guilt in the fact that I have had to conceal how I have made these purchases. I feel resentment in that I have to hide this and that I get next to zero alone time at home to wear these pretty things. Just prior to the lock down I was scheduled to travel for work and would have been gone for 4 days and had a hotel room all to myself… That got canceled of course and that is how I found my way here. It’s nice to get this off my chest, but I think the guilt that I describe will remain. But I won’t ever feel guilty for wanting to be pretty.
I hope that insight helps to some degree. I and I’m sure most of us didn’t ask to be this way. It is akin to when people say homosexuality is a choice….. Really who would voluntarily choose to open themselves up to that level of discourse? I don’t recall choosing to be heterosexual and I don’t recall putting on a pair of panties for the first time being much of a choice either. Take care, be careful and diligent in your actions in regards to dressing if you must conceal it.
Many years ago (I must have been ten years old) I was with a group of friends just walking on the Main Street of my town, when a group of five or six rowdy teenagers came down the street in festive mood. One of them, clearly a man, was dressed as a woman and that was clearly the motive of their bubble of joy. As she went by she must have seen my stunned and admiring face because she smiled at me and waved a silk scarf in my direction . It was as if I had been struck by sweet and radiant lightening. The happiness of that moment and her joyful wave at me have always protected me from shame and even made me proud that I was selected…
I would love to meet people.
As for my more libidinous cravings, I an not at all ashamed of them and consider them not only mornal but quite natural. I would tend to keep them from wife more our of concern for her feelings and fears than mine.
We all desire affection, intimacy and the glories of passion. It is not so much how we achieve those goals as, perhaps, with whom and how often.
Araminta.
Stephanie, what a wonderful and insightful response! I too have felt guilt and shame and purged way too many times. Then I go back to being macho, knowing that won’t last either. I’m still stuck between those worlds. I sometimes feel that I am two different people and it is exhausting.
Thank you to everyone who has posted.
Hugs
Heather
Hi Vanity! I understand fully how guilt and possible fear of rejection like that can have huge manipulations on someone’s confidence. What I have concluded for myself is that the guilt comes not from actually dressing, but the fact that I was keeping it a complete secret. I feel many of us may feel this way as well, which may be what motivates us to meet others who have feelings and interests in common with us. Events such as having to wear the “hiding nothing” face and the worry that one day someone would carelessly open the huge storage crate in my closet only ruptured my confidence more. This is what lead me to come out to my mother and sister, since I felt revealing it to just one or two people would take away that guilt of secrecy. Thankfully, after they both accepted, I was able to have my guilt erased because it wasn’t a 100% “dirty little secret” anymore. For those who experience guilt around any secret, some say that one of the greatest cures is to “crack the dam” by allowing one trusted individual to know the truth, yet without spilling it out to everyone and “bursting the dam”. No matter who that may be, always do remember, if they choose to not accept the real you, they may have not have even ever deserved the relationship you once had.
Thanks endlessly for bringing this topic up as I feel it may be one that has a significant impact on us all and can ultimately allow us all to gain a better understanding of the feelings we experience on our journeys, together and solo.
Kind Regards
Evany
[quote quote=371612]No matter who that may be, always do remember, if they choose to not accept the real you, they may have not have even ever deserved the relationship you once had.[/quote]
Evany-
I love how you put this. Having recently come out completely and honestly to my wife, I was tempted to come out to a few long time friends. After some careful consideration and recent evidence from these friends about their true beliefs, I realize they will not accept my femme side. It brought up the thought you so eloquently expressed above.
Well said. 😊
Being married means no secrets….or so goes some lame proverb. We all have secrets, we must have secrets, that’s how we maintain some form of self, individuality. Fantasies, desires lead to guilt only when we think we are hiding something. But they can also be powerful in a relationship in understanding a perspective you’re not supposed to have experienced.
Examples, walking slower when your spouse is in heels, helping your spouse pick out an outfit.
The guilt part is tough, it’s nagging, and unless you have full control over it, it’s the part that will lead to letting yourself be outted in tiny ways to your spouse.
My wife knows about most of my crossdressi g, but not all my desires related to it. I often wonder if this how life will just be, or will sge accept me more one day, or will just end it and knowingly free me. With kids, intertwined families/friends, it’s not easy, no path is.
I do know I fully support her in everything she’s evolved in, but crossdressing is the one area I feel she half supports me (but I don’t know if that is just a temporary thing like many others here have experienced).
Hey Gang,
I don’t feel guilt over my CD propensity or actions. Please forgive me now because I think I’ve written some of what follows in other posts, but don’t remember exactly where. So, I may be repeating myself. While there’s none of what I would call guilt, there is the nagging regret and discontent that I’ve not found a way to adequately share the CD phenomenon with the person I love the most. If she could really understand how wonderful it feels to essentially wear any feminine clothing, she could probably handle it. But, I don’t know how to tell her that I want to dress the same way she does, while not exactly the same style choices. That said, some of her choices are very close to those I would make if I could. She loves tights and tunics or lighter summer tops. They look great on her – it’s kind of a sporty, feminine, and sometimes even elegant look. I prefer skinny jeans with my tunics and tops, but it’s a similar look. With some of the shorter tops, I wear a fashion belt and partially tuck the top. We could go out together this way and, depending on footwear, not cause much commotion. She likes to wear flip-flops. I prefer a heeled sandal or bootie. Several of my booties have open toes. I bought her some “Tom’s Majorcas,” with a three inch heel, but she says they give her cramps. Perhaps I digress?
With the Covid-19 thing, we could just hang around the house dressed similarly or don our masks and do Whole Foods in anonymity. We tried dressing together for some play time twenty-some years ago. She was OK for a while, but several things happened that changed her perspective. Now she knows I CD privately, but we seldom talk about it other than her telling me I need to get rid of some of “those” clothes. So, what happened? First, maybe I overdid it – we did it too often. Then, as I got more comfortable and experienced, I actually started looking better (more feminine) in my clothing choices; she may have seen it as a contest. Next, while I’ve always enjoyed high heels, I found that my size 11 actually opened up a broad assortment of women’s styles that weren’t available to larger men; I could get some pretty nice pumps and peep-toes with stiletto heels for relatively little on sale racks and outlets. Some of those from Nordstrom’s Rack are all leather and were rather expensive. I did buy some size 5s for her as well, but, remember she doesn’t really like to wear high heels. Back on the heels, I got so proficient at walking in them that I think that added resentment. What I never really conveyed effectively was how this whole feminine thing, while wonderful fore play, was also an integral and intrinsic part of my psyche. And . . . she really still does not understand. If she could screen shot my mind, she would know what it means to me, but I’ve never found the words.
More later,
FAM
The question is a bit confusing. Yes, I have a desire to meet as many other “ladies” in this geographic region (Portland, OR). No, I don’t feel guilty about this need or, when this pandemic is a thing of the past, doing whatever to fulfill this desire. Like so many others here, my wife is unaware and would not want to tolerate my being a CD. That being said, I cannot deny the immense feelings I have and treasure when I am dressed. It is a transformative experience even if it is just for a few hours at a time. The fact that I have male and female support friends who celebrate my being feminine is all the reinforcement I need.
I told wife before we got married because I knew I wasn’t going to stop and to give her the option to get out of the relationship, surprisingly she was okay with it, she set some limits, like she didn’t want me to wear makeup, small price to pay. 40+ years later we are still together, I sleep in a slip or nightgown, wake up and put on a dress for about 4-5 hours before we can expect people coming over and thenI change into male role.
hi sweetie, i think feeling guilty is part of the process of knowing ourselves, its hard, i know, but it is a step that we have and we need to get over, in order to achieve the acceptance about our persona, you are a special one like everybody in this site, in this world, God made us different and specials at the same time, despite your wife or society think about us, only us know the weight that we have had carried with this situation, so try to get over this negative feeling and start to understand that you are a special person, but try to put limits to your emotions, we are not in a acceptance world so we need to take care about ourselves and our families to not hurt them, hugs and kisses a lot felicity
Hi Vanity,
Sorry for being late to the post.
Yes I want to meet other C/D or trans people,but only A friends.
I really have had a need to develop some close friendships in my later life and I would like them to be people who understand and accept me.
I do feel guilty regarding my wife as she is just tolerant of my crossdressing now.
And I know it bothers the one I love.
So It’s hard for me to move past it.
Patty
Vanit i am no expert but once you start dressing that’s it…does anyone grow out of it.??..I think not…..so many girls purge and the desire is so strong that they start all over again…okay, you want to look pretty and dress but suddenly it’s all guilt!!….don’t beat yourself up honey…. dressing is not a crime, it’s a desire and to most of us…a need !! Grace xx
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