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Well ladies the wife opened up last night that my dressing is causing her stress which she uses alcohol to cope with. She had led me to believe she was supportive of my dressing but it appears to not be the case. I will continue to be who I am and let my feminine side out on a regular basis but now may have to do it when she isn’t home and on weekend getaways by myself. I am frustrated as it would have been better if she had been open and honest from the beginning about how she feels.
I think I should weigh in on this one. Let’s start with the seemingly supportive wife. Its entirely possible that she tried to be supportive and over time the effort became too much for her. It is highly unfortunate that she chose to use alcohol as a means of coping. One can never effectively deal with one problem by creating another.
Also, you may not alleviate that stress she is experiencing by relegating your dressing to times when she is not present. Out of sight is NOT out of mind. In some ways her imagination may create imagery that is far more troubling and stressful for her than the reality. And hiding will take its toll on you as well.
My suggestion is that the healthiest path forward is to seek counseling together…not separately. Go into the process open to any resolution that can meet both of your needs, but not just a solution predicated on more hiding.
Thanks Kim. The problem is she stated it has always stressed her but never mentioned it to me before. She always seemed supportive., with some reservations which I gladly observed. I just feel misled by her actions at this time.
Trust me, I have felt that same feeling. I believed my wife to be tolerant, even supportive. I knew she was manifesting symptoms of stress, and even asked her directly if my cross dressing was a contributing factor. She assured me it was not. Then, out of the blue she confessed that it really was a major issue and asked that we start counseling with a well known local gender therapist. I agreed. We attended on meeting. She seemed relieved and suggested that she didn’t think a follow up was necessary. She then asked if I could take a break from dressing around her. I agreed to do that and asked that in the future she tell me when she was feeling stress. I didn’t dress around her for the next 18 months. Then, without ever raising a single concern over that period of time, she told me she wanted a separation. We were divorced 9 months later.
So, yes, I felt misled. But being misled was not the issue. The problem was her still unresolved anxieties with having a cross dressing husband. She refused further counseling and distanced herself from me. We barely spoke again, and haven’t had any verbal contact in six years, only a few text exchanges relating to household matters after that.
Your situation may not be like mine. But if you feel misled, imagine that there are larger issues at stake. The big issue is not whether or not she misled you (inadvertently or intentionally). The big issue is she is feeling stressed and its affecting your relationship.
How has she misled you? Her acceptance was how she saw it at the time of discovery, a blessing in itself. Moving forward she has said it causes her stress and alcohol is her crutch so it’s an update and, to me not misleading. Even without alcohol she has some sufferance and there are many questions of how you have progressed your dressing since coming and causative of her to turn to alcohol .
Like a lot of spouses they also feel misled and a revelation such as this can cause a lot of angst as it has a major impact to her life. The forums are littered with stories of how spouses have reacted.
Having acceptance is not a green light to proceed regardless and I go along with Kims text and believe that meaningful discussion or even counselling together as it is not only her issue.
I may appear quite harsh as my interpretation to the context of your text is that it is more about you than your spouses issues and do not think that is fair on her. I think you should stand back and reconsider how to proceed.
Klaire,
Just because SO agrees or goes along. The burden we share comes back when we least expect on both sides. My wife is accepting, but occasionally we have miscommunication and one or both feel shame. We’ve gone through counseling, Then other times like tomorrow she wants to go with me to get wig at boutique dressed. Love is crazy.
Hugs Ginger
Learning about, dealing with and accepting a husband’s cross dressing is an extremely difficult, emotional and sometimes gut-wrenching experience for a wife. In my opinion many CD’s do not fully understand this and just expect their wives to adjust their lives accordingly. Read Helen Boyd’s book, “My Husband Betty” so see what wives really think about their SO’s CD’ing.
There are any number of reasons why your wife’s feelings could have changed over time and you need to sit with her and discuss this in detail. I would advise you both to go to couples counseling with a therapist experienced in trans subjects. As for her drinking, what you see of it may only be the tip of the iceberg with much more going on behind the scenes. It doesn’t take much for alcohol to become a serious problem so put your wife’s welfare first and see a therapist. You will be glad you did.
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Did her feelings really change, or did she just better understand what she was feeling?
I’m thinking she wasn’t open and honest for the same reasons some of us (certainly me) had not been.
We don’t understand (initially) why we do what we do. We are afraid, confused and anxious. There are a lot of unknowns and we may (or have) tell ourselves “everything is fine” when we are full of doubt. She may have been or is in that same boat, and tried but found it was not working and she found the courage to open up to you. The pressure was getting to be too much.
I hope she is well, as you are. Do help her as it sounds like she was trying. Don’t let her go down the wrong path.
All easier said than done. I know, and I am hoping for the best, for both of you.
Love and hugs,
BeckaMy wife told me she would rather that I cheated on her with another woman than that I was a cross dresser. She tried to support it at first but eventually she told me that she was not a lesbian and she didn’t what me to make her one. I really thought about it and realized that I loved my self more than I loved her. I loved the feeling dressing gave me. I loved the way I looked. I think I may have been better looking than her. In a way I was cheating on her with Ashley. She stood by me when I had cancer. She stood by me when I went to Afghanistan and 5 other hell holes. I didn’t want to take her into account at first but I knew we have always been a team and that I needed to be more caring. We want people to accept what we do but don’t want to accept the pain we have caused them. My friend Dave gave up drinking for his wife. He still craves that occasional beer but still says no. He really helped me with this issue with my wife. I haven’t been perfect but my wife is way more important than my dressing. I don’t have to wear clothes and make-up to express the Ashley side of my personality. I haven’t jumped out of an airplane in a long time but I will always be a paratrooper. You don’t need to have a trophy on the outside to be who you are. What is in your heart is what is important. Thank you for letting me share. Have an amazing weekend!
Your Friend,
Ash-
That’s a courageous and selfless response, Ash – to put your marriage ahead of your needs. Bravo!
Hi Klaire,
I’m sorry you feel misled. I know that anytime in a relationship one partner feels misled or even lied to it can be very hard to overcome.
I think sometimes we want to be supportive and then realize it is harder than we realized (from my perspective as a SO). I know for me after feeling misled I really struggle with the hurt and trust. I know it is hard and awful and can make me feel unloved. I’m glad there is a place where you feel comfortable sharing your hurt with us.
I know a lot of people mentioned counseling. I’m going to agree and say I think counseling would be beneficial for both of you. I know it can be cost prohibitive, but it can be quite helpful.
Wishing the very best for both of you, Ang
So the wife am I talked about everything and have come to a compromise we both can live with at this time. I feel good about everything now and she has made a commitment to be more upfront and honest when a situation is uncomfortable for her. I did let her read all the responses as I am hiding nothing from her.
Thanks for the recommendations and opinions ladies.
Klaire
Not so, Diane
Klaire, please don’t take what follows the wrong way. I’m not attacking or blaming you for anything. It’s just the first thing that came to mind after I read your post.
While I know nothing about your history with your wife, I believe that unless you told her about your crossdressing early in your relationship, before you got married, she probably felt misled by you when you finally came out to her. She may wish that you had been open and honest from the beginning too. I’m not saying her revelation makes you two even now. I think it puts you both in a position to better understand and appreciate what the other is thinking and feeling. If I was in your situation, I would try to get past my frustration and capitalize on this opportunity to get everything out in the open and improve your relationship.
Stephanie, You made a very valid observation and I thank you for that. I did not tell her before we got married. When I did tell her, her first question was why did I not bring it up before we were married. My answer was, I was trying to quit but realized this was not something that would happen. We are both working to strengthen our relationship as we have made the commitment to speak our mind.
Once again, thank you for the response as it made me think. You are the best.
Don’t mention it, Klaire. I’m glad I could help.
Dear Klaire,
I’m going to seem bitchy, but I don’t care as long as you and others hear me out. A wife may want to accept a CD husband to keep the relationship. Your opening post clearly stated that you’re going to ‘let my feminine side out on a regular basis’. Are you wearing panties, bra, and nightie to bed? Letting hair and nails grow out? A wife that married a man doesn’t need constant reminders that he’d rather live as a woman. What’s her role in that kind of relationship?
Living with a CD husband is not the same as with another ‘woman’. You mislead her from the beginning, so don’t put this on her because she has difficulty coping. A wife may accept his dressing, next thing she knows is pantyhose drying on the shower rod and cosmetics all over the sink.
If you were able to dress in secret for years, just stifle the girlie things to make the relationship work.
As to some of the other respondents’ to this thread. Many of you drank or drugged when trying to figure out your sexual identity while wearing borrowed bras. Then harshly judge Klaire’s wife for doing much the same thing. She’s not the one with gender dysphoria or cross-dressing issues. Just a woman that wants to be married to a man.
My husband dresses as a woman some hours each week. The rest of the time, he’s 100% male mode. I’m the woman of the house and sometimes enjoy a part-time girlfriend. Compromises can be made if both sides give a little.
Eileen
Wow Eileen I think you hit the issue on the head and I want to thank you. My wife is much the same and as much as I would like dress more I feel that I need to be my wife’s great big teddy bear most of the time. I love her and I will support her even if it means that Rachel is mostly in the closet where she has been
Thanks Again
Dear Rachel.
Terri is not known to friends or family, but definitely out of the closet. In fact, she has her own closet. Quite happy to do the weekend shopping chores or errands that I loathe.
He doesn’t drink too much, gamble or watch sports all weekend. Financially stable and quite handy around the house or cars. He’s not abusive or cheats on me. Of all the problems a couple could have, dressing as a female is of the least concern. I don’t understand why, and neither he/she.
I totally agree with you!
Acceptance and understanding as a wife is not linear. There are ups and downs and feelings that come out of nowhere. It takes time to process and understand our feelings. It took me four months to crack the case on something that was eating at me. Acceptance is not all or nothing, it is not a switch that can be be flipped.
In regards to feeling misled…your feelings are valid and understandable but imagine how misled your wife feels. Her world is upside down. She may not have much issue with the actual dressing but there is so much that passes through our minds as we process this massive change to our life as we knew it.
I suggest that if you love your wife, dial back the dressing and give her time, honesty, and set some temporary boundaries that can work for both of you. Once she is better understands the rush of feelings and adjusts you can renegotiate those boundaries. Resist the urge to push those boundaries and know that just because there are some positive days there is still a shit sandwich sort of day ahead still.
My husband and I are five months into this journey and it is up and down. It is going to take while to find our groove and find our new normal. When things are going well he dresses more and we talk nail polish and and things like that and when things aren’t going well he dials thinks back to what he knows I am able to handle. It’s give and take. If you put in the effort and resist the pink fog you can get to a wonderful place.
Hugs,
BettyBetty
Very well put.life is full of ups and downs. Happiness and disappointment.
Hugs Ginger-
So true Betty. The best advice is to take things slow and let things develop at their own pace which is hard to do for an excited CD coming out but its the best chance to preserve a marriage if there is true love there. If both want to remain together compromise is necessary.
I came out to the wife over five years ago and its been a helluva ride during those years going from the possibility of divorce/suicide to acceptance and sharing as girlfriends. Today we have a balance where she accepts this part of me and we have a great relationship we both can live with. Its not perfect but it works for us and the tears and anxiety seem to have gone away. She has even told me she likes having a girlfriend and appreciates my softer feminine side.
I wonder if the joy of first acceptance inhibits the ability to appreciate the mental obstacles something like coming out causes?
My initial response was pretty much “you be you if it makes you happy” and it quickly soured. I soon felt like my life as upside down and I didn’t know the person I have been married to. Depression set in and I found myself looking into what our home is worth and what the cost of a smaller home would be. I considered a way to crash my car in a way that would look like an accident…and it wasn’t because I couldn’t accept his dressing. It is feelings of loss, confusion, betrayal, etc.
I think it is pretty rare in which a wife would find out after many years and be like “f*ck yeah, let’s go to the mall!”
I look forward to some girl time together once we understand each other better and this isn’t so new.
Betty,
You’ve posted a number of times about the ongoing situation with your husband and you have always been very open about your feelings, whether good or bad. I cannot imagine how exceedingly difficult it is for a wife to hear that her hubby is a cross dresser and greatly admire women that work to accommodate cross dressing as part of a successful marriage. I admire you for your honesty and your working with him to come to a “new normal”.
Hugs,
Fiona
Hi Klaire,
I’m sorry, but I have to agree with Eileen here. We go years or decades not being open with our SOs, so why should we expect ANY acceptance, really. The problem we have is the more we dress and enjoy it, it is natural to do more, and more, and more. There are a lot of CDs that are able to keep the two parts”separate”, but most of us would admit, if pressed, that we’d like to present as female most or all the time.
I am transitioning and my wife was bothered by seeing me as a female from the beginning. My marriage is likely in failure mode as we now live in separate apartments. If I could have stayed as I had been but lose the gender dysphoria, I probably would have. I still love my wife and my soulmate, but she doesn’t want a “lesbian” marriage. I completely agree and support her, just as she has supported my need to go further with my transition.
Would our marriage have failed anyway? Probably, because I had been miserable for years but not with our relationship. On top of the gender dysphoria crushing my soul, I finally admitted to myself that I could never be enough man to be happy and provide what she needed as well. Am I suggesting just keeping our feminine side completely secret? ABSOLUTELY NOT!! The sooner we can tell our wives about how we are struggling the better; ideally before getting married. But waiting 40 years as I did makes a wife or SO feel lost. Who did she marry? What else is he not telling her? She’s not woman enough, so he dresses as a “fantasy” woman to get what she isn’t giving.
The CDs and trans women and men that have spouses or SOs that not only tolerate but embrace the changes are few and extremely fortunate. I also have been fortunate that I haven’t encountered outright hostlity or public ridicule yet. Losing my wife’s admiration and closeness is almost too hard to take, but not transitioning was impossible to take – at least for me.
I hope you and your wife can work out a compromise, if that is what you both want. Very difficult, honest talks and marriage therapy are the best way to work through it, IMO.
Hugs,
Brie
I think I’ve actually become wiser about when and where I dress. I found that just dressing wasn’t as much fun as dressing for specific activities or locations. I have no problem going out to dinner or shopping but what I really love is going to a street fair or art show or Renaissance fair. Activities where I can interact with others. I also found that it’s much better for my wife when we go out with others. She doesn’t feel like a lesbian and she enjoys talking with other girls.
So I feel I should chime in on this topic.
First of all let me thank all of the participants in this conversation. Dealing with crossdressing in general is hard be it the cd or the SO of a cd. As a CD I deal with all the issues the rest of you deal with. My beautiful fiancé also deals with the issues that all the other SOs deal with. It’s very hard on both people and requires a huge amount of understanding for both parties and we all deal with things in a different manner. Sometimes that manner may not be the best way to deal with it but we’re all just trying to cope with life as we know it.
I wish there were some magic button to push to make everything ok but unfortunately there isn’t. This conversation has opened eyes to some of the feelings I hadn’t realized my fiancé was dealing with and opened my eyes to some feelings I didn’t realize I was not dealing with. One of those feelings is the use of the words misled and betrayal. These two words are hurtful when used by either person as they ateost likely used out of context. Misleading and betraying are done with intent. I don’t believe any of us set out with the intent to mislead or betray. Hiding however is a different story. As a CD we have to hide because our life depends on it both figuratively and sometimes literally (let’s face it people, there are those out there that would take our lives because of who we are).
At the end of the day we’re all just trying to be ourselves. We all inadvertently at times cause others pain. No two people are the same and sometimes that alone causes problems. My fiancé and myself have our problems associated with my dressing and the feelings associated with it for both of us. We’re working hard to make it through to a good place for us both. I wish everyone on this journey good luck. It’s definitely a journey of patience and understanding. Everyone please take care of yourselves and each other!
Once again, thank you all for your words here.
Jessica
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