Warning, this is a long post. I am not an active crossdresser, but I am looking to hear from those who are as to how to approach my future right now.
I am 31, married with a baby daughter in Nashville and very happy with my home life. I would prefer to remain nameless by any definition as I have never felt the need to create a feminine persona. Vanilla Balloon is just a drag name I thought of a few years ago. In short, I don’t feel like there is a different person in me, but there has always been a very strong urge.
I started dressing when I was about 8 and over the next two years did it a lot. I would get up early and wear my mom’s clothes almost every morning in fourth grade in the time between her leaving for work and going to school. I would think so heavily about what I needed to do next – which dress to wear, what kind of makeup I needed to experience, etc. By the time I was 11 it had pretty much stopped, and I don’t think I have so much as worn a dress since then, though there have been times I have worn makeup and painted my nails. At that age, I could fit in my mother’s clothes pretty well and that’s all I’ve had since then.
In the time since then the desire to dress as, or perhaps even be, a woman has never really died, but its strength has come and gone. Lately (last few weeks or so it was probably the strongest it has been in nearly two decades and I am struggling with how to approach this.
I am 6’1″, nearly 300 lbs. very hairy and have a beard. I am equally comfortable with or without a beard, but my wife prefers me with the beard and shaving less is definitely appreciated. Apart from no longer having my mom’s closet as an option the immense effort it would take to make me look (and more importantly feel) good has kept me from dressing. Not only is it difficult to find cute clothes in my size, but all the shaving would be as uncomfortable as it would be suspicious. However, I strongly feel that if I were hairless and of slighter build I would dress and probably live as a woman a good portion of the time.
I have never told anyone my desire to dress before, though I have mentioned doing certain things to my wife and perhaps other friends in the past and occasionally wishing to be a woman. I don’t think she likes this at all. It can be assumed that any woman who would be attracted to me likes extreme masculinity, at least in appearance. Years ago one such woman did say I had a distinctly feminine soul and I really took that to heart. My wife though is definitely turned off when any effeminate traits come out. I really don’t want to lose her. I want to be with her forever, but it’s really hard to imagine her taking this well. I try to drop hints now and then and I have definitely been focusing on that more lately. If we could just be women together that would make me very happy, but I could understand it not being for her.
I’ve gone so long without having to express this I really think I could continue and this is just a rough patch, but I want to hear what others think. I’ve been to many therapists but have never mentioned crossdressing to them. I always felt like it would be seen to much as a gender identity issue (which I have never seen as the case – I dislike labels and would never want one, though I think the situation I would want if my body made it easy would be called “gender fluid” by most), or with self-hatred which has definitely been a big problem (understandable for any straight man with any decency).
I think some of the self-hatred has made the urges strong. Being a man is so gross, can’t I just be a woman? I know that if, god forbid, I were to ever lose my wife I definitely would, so I suppose that’s pretty strong, at least for now. Earlier this week after getting a haircut (very short – though I had long hair as a boy I just can’t get into it as a man, even when I tried in a very “masculine” way six years ago), I was planning on going to Target and with some men’s pants I need was going to *definitely* try on some leggins and maybe even a dress. The haircut was pleasant and included a beer and when my wife told me she needed me home right away I was fine. No need to be a girl that afternoon, but it’s on my mind again.
So many more details I would be happy to share, but I have to stop eventually. Thank you to anyone who can help. Love you so much.
Feeling the urges and unsure what to do
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