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Every few months, I get in this mode where I delete all photos, my posts, etc. from other sites. I finally figured out what triggers this feeling like the whole thing just turns me off. While I certainly don’t judge anybody or their journey, nor judge any of the reasons we dress en femme, I do know for me that it’s never been a sexual thing. So once in a while, I’ll actually scroll through a bunch of posts and pics and will run across the whole “femboy” or “sissy” aspect of it all. Or someone will message something like “daddy would love to play” etc. As soon as that notion comes my way, I almost feel gross with myself, and it totally turns me off to what I am. Yes, I know I dress risque, and it would seem I’m just out there looking for sex, but this whole thing for me is actually about self fulfilment. I’ve had a million offers, and while the attention and the pickups are fun and affirming, I’ve never taken any steps other than telling them I’m married and not looking and send them on their way within seconds.
But it isn’t the real life public interaction that turns me off… it’s the online interactions and/or concepts related to being a sissy or femboy that triggers me to just take a break from posting.
Interesting, but at least I know where I stand these days.
Hi Carmen!
Good to see you back on the forums! Thanks for sharing.
Your experience reminded me of the self loathing I felt before I’d purge everything….only to start again weeks or months later. A rejection of who I am. In my case it took decades of rejection before I learned to accept and eventually embrace who I am.
/EA
Hiya Carmen, nice to hear from you again and more deep thought. On a forum where it is obvious that you are what you are then I suppose you allow yourself to be open to ‘predators’ that are there looking for encounters. When you are out in the world dressed as you are and looking damn good, it’s eye candy as they see what they see. I can understand your reactions feeling unclean. It’s not nice and certainly isn’t the reason you do it. It is an affirmation but alas, like all women at the receiving end, it is a reflection of society that makes women scared and curtail the activities they do, dress down as not to get that unwanted attention. At least you have got the strength, in more ways than one, Miss black belt, to rebut the challenges although it has a negative effect – Welcome to womanhood.
Hi Angela! How are you dear!!!!!????!!!!
As always, you seem to get me and my post intent, even when I can’t effectively communicate exactly what I mean in my initial thought/post verbiage!
I do believe, for me, there is a distinct difference between my experience in real-life and my experience as an online user of subs focused on mtf. In real life, I gladly accept the attention, from getting asked out or simply they see me as some sex object, to people trying to get my number or chat it up with me for any reason… but in real life, I already know they don’t see me as a sissy or femboy, because I’m seen as a woman. So all the attention is “traditional” attention cis women have to deal with.
Online it’s different. I’m on subs that are trans/CD/mtf related (and often named), so it’s clear I’m an mtf. I think to me, venturing into the whole sissy/femboy kind of label puts a different spin on things. To me, it’s a very degrading way to portray “femininity”, using it not for gender perception, but using it to mock and reduce the art of femininity, crossdressing including transgender communities to entirely a sexual fetish.
I see posts from the sissy/femboy community and it completely turns me off. To me, all I see is a man, being a man, using femininity as some sort of excuse for sexual submissiveness.
I don’t know, again, hard to explain, but maybe it’s the just actual label… because it has nothing to do with gender. Like, if this site was called “sissy heaven”, I would have never joined. I’d also never post or join any subs that have sissy/femboy in the name.
In general, I personally feel like it does have a negative impact in the crossdressing/trans communities in the eyes of society, as when general society thinks of trans/crossdressers, I think people have this mental image of some dude with a kink using femininity to get into women’s restrooms LMAO. That doesn’t speak all that great for those of us who are serious about it.
To each their own of course, and everyone is free to have their reasons and their kinks. For me however, sissy/femboy just triggers a mode in me where it’s offputting to even be an mtf.
Hi, Carmen, thanks for posting this.
I’m still reasonably new to dressing completely, but I just recently experienced a private message from someone who had just registered here using their male name. They gave me their personal phone number, and asked me to text if I wanted to have some fun. It made me feel exactly like you described in your post. I was just stunned for a little while, and then began looking through this site to at least let someone here know about this inappropriate jerk. So, I sent a private message to the managing editor here. I wasn’t sure what to expect. But within an hour or so, the profile was removed, and I got a nice note from Billiejay, the Managing Ambassador here that said, this troll has been removed. After that I felt a lot better and was certain that I wanted to continue my journey here on CDH.
But I know exactly how you felt, I had exactly the same thoughts, of whether or not I should delete everything and go back into hiding or not. But with the help you get here, I am ok with it now. I hope you will be too.
interestingly enough, I had never thought that something like this could happen to me, for a number of reasons, but it certainly did give me a new perspective of what GGs and Transwomen have to put up with all the time. I’m now way more enlightened.
It’s a shock to anyone who encounters those type of exchanges. As Cds we are only getting a taste of what all girls go thru so often. I’ve watched how GG that i’ve known have handled such things. I guess it’s the male temper that gets in my way and prevents me from showing feminine grace when it happens.
Don’t let it get you down, some people are just rude. Don’t let their bad manners ruin a moment of your time.
I certainly understand where you are coming from Carmen. I’ve experienced the boorishness you are referring to as well, less here than on other sites that feature our images and photography. At no point do I let it get me down, feel guilty, shameful or keep me from the joy that expressing my femininity brings. I try to be confident in myself and choose not to participate in any of that in any form. I simply block or report those that make the unwanted gestures, and continue on my way, chalking it up to another – albeit unpleasant at times – part of the female experience .
You are only experiencing things genetic women have all their lives. You shouldn’t let it disgust you but just let it roll on by. You do dress to attract so it should be no surprise men are hitting on you. How would you feel if no one ever approached you at all?
Hi Michelle!
Yes, I do dress to attract, and I LOVE attracting. But I love attracting for the current presentation, which when dressed, is “woman”.
I think that is the part in my head where the femboy stuff hits me wrong… it’s like, it diminishes the my goal and makes anything to do with “trans” a fetish, a joke if you will, and makes the idea of “passing” and the effort I put into that almost wrong?
I know being femboy/sissy is a thing for folks, and that’s totally okay, but maybe I dislike seeing people call themselves out as that because it’s a fetish way to look at crossdressing/mtf/trans women. Again, almost as if it’s a joke.
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Hi Carmen.
I see what you’re saying. As I said, genetic women get hit on all the time and they see it as the usual creepy old horny men who have done that all their lives.
From your viewpoint being CD/trans, you see it as a femboy fetish. I get that too and that does exist, but it is what it is and there will always be guys like that. You have no control over that.
You are attractive, flirty, and pass easily, so some of those guys hitting on you may actually believe you’re a genetic female. Its all how you look at it and you’re seeing it from a CD/trans perspective instead of a genetic female perspective.
My two cents
Hi Michelle,
Yeah, that’s exactly it… and it only happens from my online version of “this” because of the posts I see from others and making it all about sissy/femboy vs. trying to look like a woman. So this notion only affects me online. Even when I feel gross about the whole thing online, I can’t wait to get dressed and go out in public and get a bunch of attention.
For me, in real life (not online), I can handle the chase, the men, the attention, even if they’re looking for just sex. All of that I can handle because it’s about presenting as a woman and it affirms I’m achieving my goals and makes going out dressed totally fun.
I just think the persona of sissy/femboy is a completely different persona than someone who is trans/CD… it’s like the “reasons” for femininity exploration or transition and public presentation is at a totally different level. In all honestly, I’d much rather be perceived as trans/CD by society and called as such, vs. being a sissy or femboy.
Hi Carmen……you are not alone! I am 68 and my wife knows and is Ok with the whole thing. We have been to the ERIE GALA together and been out clubbing together in warren Ohio. I have had guys hitting on me while my wife was there but she knows I have no friggin interest in men. Do not get me wrong……I have several very close male friends and I love them. Not in a sexual sense. That is for my wife only! I too have days where I wish it would all go away….but it never does! While at a week long crossdressing event I have witnessed several others who have complained about needing down time to just get away from the FEM dressing thing. I do need my down time. Seems as I get older that time gets longer and longer. but it always creeps back onto my subconscious. I keep myself very occupied with engraving, woodworking, telescope building, and many many more ways just to keep my mind off of it. But there are days when I just have to deal with it…..go get dressed and just be me.
I think back to when I was young (12) or so…. I would aquire a wordrobe and every so often would take it all out to the fire and watch it go up in smoke. Only to start all over again some time later. This is when I had to find within myself that the “big man” created me. We all know he created us all in his own image……so was he also like me? He doesn’t make junk so I must be OK! This is what kept me going. At that time there was no internet…..we were left to our own devises…..sometimes those times got pretty dark. I am so glad to be able to chat with like minded friends. I seem to have found the balance to keep the woman inside happy and the guy in me happy. Sorry for the long rant.
Francine
For me, there has always been a little bit of a sexual aspect to my crossdressing.. but I completely understand why the “sissy” culture could completely turn you away from dressing. If those are the experiences that men have with crossdressers, they’re likely to reach out assuming you’re like them. Before I met my partner, I’d had relations with men.. but they were respectful and treated me well so it made the experience nice. I’ve had those messages too where they’re all too eager to degrade you into just a toy for their enjoyment and it can definitely feel gross lol, so they just get blocked immediately. My reasons for purging in the past stemmed from not wanting people close to me to find out. Now that I have an accepting partner it looks like I’m here to stay!
Hi Carmen,
There are times I get a little confused as to why I dress and then I will delete some photos, etc. (fortunately I haven’t done a full purge since years ago). I think the reason this comes over me every now and then is the way I grew up with CDing being a no no. I know in my heart there is nothing wrong with what I am doing but some times I can’t stop those other thoughts from pestering me.
To me, my dressing, it is not about anything sexual. It is about exploring and presenting my feminine nature. I will say though, that the more I have embraced my feminine side, the more I have become interested in men. Maybe I was Bi all along and expressing my female self helped me become aware and embrace that part of me too.
I have been hit on by men as well. There are a lot of guys out there that are gross and I put them in their place rather quickly. But there are some wonderful men out there that are charming and considerate. I have to admit, I have struck up an on line relation with one. However, I am married & would not cheat on my wife and I have made that clear to him. If I wasn’t married I would pursue the relationship further. So, I guess what I am trying to say, is there are some good guys out there.
Take care Carmen. It was good hearing from you again.
Hugs, Liara
Hi Carmen, welcome back girl,
As a trans woman I know what it’s like to attract unwanted attention. On another site where I do my blogs, they refer to it as the “Pretty Privilege”, meaning the ability to pass. But that privilege can have some disadvantages, the most common one being unwanted male attention.
Hugs,
Ms. Lauren M
These seedy sites, and the ‘admirers’ who populate them are only in it to get their jollies, and will feed you any compliments they think you want to hear. Avoid like the plague unless you are only in this for sexual gratification.
CDH is a safe haven from these demeaning and degrading influences.
B x
Hey Carmen,
Yes, I get that feeling too. There are certain kinds of interactions that always kind of ruin my desire to dress up. I don’t say this to blame anyone, but I can relate to what you’re saying. I always worry about giving compliments, or how to give compliments correctly, because I don’t want to create that feeling. I’m pretty socially awkward at the best of times and some of the difficulties of dressing up seem to magnify this. I’ve often felt, after trying to give people here compliments, that maybe those compliments made them uncomfortable.
Like you, I don’t do this for sexual reasons, but others do and interacting with that can be awkward and uncomfortable. I appreciate your willingness to share this insight into this whole experience.Hi Carmen!
At my age, I’ll take any whistles and hollers, online or otherwise. LOL!!
I must admit, a well intentioned smile from a gentleman is incredibly intoxicating and validating! I may not jump him right then and there, but it sure is nice to at least feel sexy! Sure, some dudes are creeps, but many are decent and kind, even the pickup truck drivers. At least they usually have steady employment.
Is it ever about sex? Well… I don’t think many of us need to dig deep for that answer.
Keep smiling!
:Barb(ie)
Hahahaha! BARB!!! Miss you girl.
I get what you’re saying, and that in itself doesn’t bother me at all. I’ll take all the whistles and compliments and gawking and pickups with a smile. That isn’t the issue and it doesn’t trigger me whatsoever. It’s welcome in fact, and I look for it, and it’s fun and makes the day totally intoxicating.
Even when it happens online in a certain way, I think it’s great.
BUT…. here’s a couple of examples to hopefully clarify where I’m coming from…
Out and about in public:
1) Man walks up and says, hey baby, you’re hella fine, can I get your number? [I think it’s awesome]
2) Man walks up, says “holy crap girl, love your outfit, you’re getting me all turned on…” [totally fine too]
3) Man walks up and says “you’re a hot femboy, aren’t ya sissy” [not that anyone has ever even remotely asked if I’m trans let alone a sissy, BUT, in this example, they’d probably get a punch in the face]Same goes with online I guess too. Even the thought of 3 makes me feel make me feel like my crossdressing/makeup/womanhood/trans is not only failing the point, but makes me feel dirty in a way.
Now, I’m not a prude, and between consenting adults I’m game for roleplaying with someone I trust… but I don’t think even then it would make me feel all that hot if the reason they’re all hot for me is because they view me as a femboy. LOL.
Carmen, I’m glad you have a good sense of humour!
And, in NO way would I dismiss your concerns. Online and IRL trolls are awful and dangerous!!
However… as rare as they are, but increasing in my bailiwick, silver linings do open up!
On my way to visit a couple of friends recently, I stopped at my local convenience store to get some smokes (yeah, yeah, yeah…). I was hesitant to get out of my car. A very muddy pickup truck pulled up right beside me. In it were two long-haired, young, muscular, and gorgeous men. My word!! … … … … …
Now where was I?… Oh yeah!!
So, WTH, I got out, wearing my make up, cowgirl boots, off-black nylons, LBD, and faux-fur coat (I SO love that coat!). They rolled down the window, smiled and said, “Hey, how ya doing girl?” I returned the smile and wished them a very pleasant day. And they smiled back and then went about their business. I think they were sincere with their courtesy and best wishes and I saw NO hint of mockery in their eyes.
What a beautiful example of young men with class and decency! In my experience, it’s the men and women of my advancing age who are the real creeps! I’m impressed with our younger generation! I meet more and more young people who don’t give a sh*t how anyone identifies.
:B
Hi Again Carmen, It took me a while to digest what you posted but I think that I get it. When I was younger I got hit on and messed with and people thought I was sissy stock. It confused me then since I was just trying to be a man even though I looked like a little boy. Later when I understood about my intersex condition and embraced it, I really had even more unwanted attention. After I stared to live and dress authentically I recognized what women had to learn to deal with in their life especially if they dressed well. I don’t purge. I have clothes and I wear them. I also don’t want to be bothered by horndogs or weirdos and I like to dress and go out and have a great time. I’m faithfully married to the love of my life and not looking for hookups. So, it does really shake me up when I have an “altercation” with pesky people. Then I sometimes think that it would just be easier to not go out or to drab down my clothes or to not interact online. But then, I think screw it, they are the problem, not me, and why should I be punished for living my life the way I want. For me it’s not about the clothes, I just like to look nice. So I put on my high heel sneakers and my red dress and go on out into the night to party. It’s easy for me to be shaken and doubt myself so I recognize that it can happen to other people too. While I only know you from our online exchanges, I’ve always thought of you as fearless and the kind of person that I would like in my corner. I see you as a strong gutsy woman and I always look up to you and enjoy your posts. I do think that we all have good days and bad days and also triggers that are sometimes more sensitive than we realize. So, I think I get what you were talking about and I hope that things even out a little for you. Don’t doubt yourself and don’t let the ankle biters get you down. There are all types of people in this alphabet soup. Continue to be your own letter. Marg
OMG, Marg, as I was reading your words, something you said totally resonated with me. The bit about childhood and being perceived as “sissy” stock.
I think you hit the nail on the head. When I was younger, I fought so hard against people perceiving me in that way, so much so that every darn thing I did in life was to prove to the world, to myself, to everyone I came in contact with, to my partners, that even though I look the way I do, I’m the furthest thing imaginable to being sissy.
In my life, I had to be good at everything, that I can do anything a more traditional outwardly masculine man can do, and do it better. All that work of proving myself… and it’s like, just that word (sissy or femboy) throws all of that effort I’ve put into showing people I’m not gets thrown out the window. Just the notion of sissy or femboy, applied to my existence in the world as a person, makes me cringe.
In my world, someone viewing me as sissy or femboy is literally the same as someone saying “You’re not trans, youre a femboy”. Or “you’re not a crossdresser, you’re just a femboy.” Or “you’re not a strong person, you’re just a sissy.” And mostly… “You’re not a woman, you’re a femboy.” That would be fighting words. LOL.
So there it is. You just cleared up my entire thought on this, and why it makes me feel the way that I do, and seeing others online (in particular a crossdresser or transwoman) focus their existence on being sissy or femboy makes me apply it to myself since it’s so closely related to one another.
Dang, I love this forum. I love this place. I love all of you. Thank you thank you thank you.
Carmen, you are beautiful. Many may see this in different view points. I’m sorry if those of the overwhelming locker room type may not be able to disengage from their self awareness enough to know that cat calling may be a complement, but not the manner we always want. Sometimes their actions are actually reactions they don’t understand themselves. No matter the gender, many people don’t progress past the teenage version of themselves. I hope you can appreciate that you have been gifted, and cursed, with the ability to bring out attraction in many different forms. This isn’t a negative thing. It’s just a different thing. I hope you can find peace along your path, and I hope you stomp that path with the boots that were “made for walking”. You go girl.
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