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Hi everyone, My name (as far as you know lol) is Nicole and I am the GG wife of Melanie Shae. I have a lot of anxiety about giving out too much personal information that can identify me, so instead of telling you what I do or where I’m from, I will just tell you our story thus far. He came out to me as a crossdresser in the first couple weeks of our relationship (10 years ago) and I did not react well, but I also thought that this only meant wearing panties in the bedroom. I was upset about it and he put it away until about two months ago when I forced him to tell me why we hadn’t been able to be consistently intimate in 10 years.
He had been going through a bout of depression and I told him that this couldn’t go on anymore. So he told me that he needed to wear female clothes in the bedroom to feel intimate. (it’s more than just that, but I’m sure you all know what I’m talking about.) I had prepared over the years for this day and I was finally ready to do this for him and we had a week of the best sex of both of our lives whether he was the boy in the situation or the girl, it was all amazing and we felt so close and bonded.
Then he ordered the fake boobs. I thought, that’s a little uncomfortable, but I get it. Then he wanted to wear clothes around the house. That was terrifying. I hear a lot of women say they can handle it around the house but not in the bedroom. I’m very much the opposite. I can look at the CDing as a kink, but when it becomes a lifestyle, that is a boundary that cannot be crossed for me. The thought of hanging out with my husband as Melanie gives me panic attacks and makes me worry that one day I will have to tell our future children or my parents. I also have no desire to live as a lesbian.
We went through about a month of him trying to wear casual women’s clothes around me and I even did his makeup a couple of times, but I was dying inside. I couldn’t look at him that way. I eventually exploded. I was inconsolable for about a week straight. I couldn’t look at him without crying, I started smoking again, I called “Melanie” a c**t to his face several times and even threatened to fight her (lol) Basically, it was extremely unhealthy. I was sure that I would have to divorce him and the thought alone would send me spiraling all over again. I was in a very dark place that still lingers in the back of my mind now.
Since then he has committed to seeing a therapist weekly, he has promised to keep Melanie far away from me. He can still wear panties in the bedroom when it’s his turn. He gets to dress while I’m at work and when he’s with his very supportive female friends. Yesterday we went shopping for boy clothes that help him express himself better so that he can feel more comfortable because his main issue is that men’s clothing has no character and he has a personality big enough for two (lol) We also bought some clothes for Melanie and some female sleepwear that looks masculine enough for me to be comfortable seeing. He welled up with emotion at the fact that I was shopping with him and we honestly had a great time for the first time in what seemed like forever.
The good that has come out of all this is that he listens now. He is not as selfish of a person and he cares about my feelings. Before he would just be cold and defensive. He is beautifully navigating these waters with me and although the idea of seeing Melanie still makes my heart ache, I can feel like my husband is still here and loves me and cares for me. I don’t know what the future will hold and I don’t even know if this is a normal introduction, but that’s us in a nutshell. We are taking this one day at a time and we’re not perfect. the rules are malleable and change depending on my level of confidence that day. But it does feel good to know that we are working together and as he put it so beautifully, Melanie was always a part of him, but I completed him. I feel the same way about him. I may not believe in a higher power, but I do believe that this man is my soul mate and that these trials we face have little meaning in comparison to the bond we have forged all these years. Good luck to you all and please be sure to remember your partners. Love your partners. Listen to them and nurture them. That is what will bring true happiness in the end.
Nicole and Melanie
Both of you must thank God for making you partners. What a understanding you have. Nicole, you are very supportive and please continue it. It is really good on Melanie’s part that she has opted for therapy. And Melanie be greatful to Nicole for co-operating in such a nice way . Being Indian I may not understand your lifestyle, your thaught process.
Nicole be with Melanie forever as she needs you n your Love, support
May God bless you
Thank you for your replies!
Sunita- I do not plan on leaving him. he is truly my other half and has shown me nothing but understanding and compassion in this adjustment in our lives. We have both been through a lot and we will continue to move forward together.
Samantha- I actually just posted my first question in the SO forum. I have been lurking for a few days now and finally had the courage to ask a question. My questions mostly revolve around the “whys”, so therapy I think will be helpful with that, but it is so nice to hear all of these other wives who have similar experiences as me.
Having a crossdresser as a partner is never easy, understanding their side of it goes someway to help with the understanding and hopefully a long and loving relationship. But as you quite rightly say,it’s not all about him (her), it’s about working out a way to make it work between you, he (she) has to be mindful of your needs and wishes, hopefully you can get to a comfortable situation that you ae both very happy with, but it might take time………..
I am a life long crossdresser, if you want to chat, or ask me anything, then pleas do PM me….
Hi Nicole, and welcome to the site. Please don’t be nervous, we are all very supportive here and totally understanding of the emotions and unanswered questions that both side of these relationship throw up.
Many of us have traveled the roads and unlocked the answers you seek.
LOL Amanda XHi Nicole
Thanks for sharing your story, always great to hear the perspective from a Wife/partners viewpoint. It is a totally understandable reaction from you. It goes against the way we are brought up, what each gender is supposed to wear, societal norms and expectations we are all supposed to adhere to. And yes the man you fell in love with and married never did much more than wear panties, so this ‘explosion’ of femininity understandably rocked your world, you just want your man back looking like a man. I am so glad the two of you are working together to reach a compromise, relationships are all about compromise. I wish the two of you a long and happy life together.
You may have gleaned from this site how strong the desire is within many heterosexual men to just wear the fabulous clothes etc women have access to. I never let this desire in me surface until my divorce a few years ago(nothing to do with cross dressing, never did it until after we separated). But when I did I just became ‘more’. Happier, more fulfilled, more empathetic, patient, more understanding. It was as if half of my true self had been buried under a ton of ‘macho’ all my life was finally free. I feel I am now a much more rounded complete person with a much better understanding of the fairer sex, having literally, and to a degree metaphorically walked in their 👠.
A strange juxtaposition now, just when I understand women the most I feel my chances are least. It is such a hard thing to overcome instilled expectations of what a man should be.
❤️B
Bianca, it really warms my heart how supportive everyone on this site is of us SOs. Thank you so much for your words. they mean a lot to me. It is nice to have so many people on both sides of the table care and uplift me in my time of struggle. I know he and I will get through this. And I know you will find your other half! Just don’t be afraid. Be honest and you will find someone who thinks you are beautiful, inside and out!
Thanks Nicole for posting such a detailed story from a wife’s perspective about her husband’s crossdressing and how it has affected you! Please remain on the site as a member. It will give you quite an insight into crossdressing people! I don’t have the time to do it today, but if you remain a member of CDH I intend to send you a series of messages that may open your mind and heart to a whole range if information about crossdressers – why they do it, what it doesn’t necessarily mean and how you can cope with a situation that you never really signed up for or thought you would ever have to deal with! Hang in there Luv! You are not the only one who has ever had to deal with being married to a crossdressing person, and there is light and hope at the end of the tunnel. – Blessings from Teralynn
Teralynn, thank you so much! Any information you could provide would be so helpful! I’m not going to lie, over the last week I think I’ve read 100s of posts and articles both on this part of the site and in the SO section and it is opening my eyes to a world I never even knew existed. Some posts make me laugh, some make me cry and some make me run to Melanie and ask him a million questions. I’m starting to feel like myself again and I think that while majority of that is because of the talks I’ve had with hubby, a large portion is coming on here that through all the discomfort, life does go on. Families are still nurtured, and my husband isn’t dead, he’s just more than I prepared for (not like that’s any different than usual with him lol)
Hi Nicole very nice to meet you and so happy you joined us here. Cudos to you girlfriend for coming here to help your husband and girlfriend Melanie as you have figured out its a package deal you love one and the other together as one but seperate also . Im a little on the lucky side as i came out to my wife right after we were married within a few weeks which we just passed 37 years St Pattys Day march 17th .We had a few discussions about Stephanie set a few ground rules and have been evolving ever since as husband and wife girlfriend and girlfriend . Been trying to get us as a threesome but havent got that yet.(ha ha ha) just kidding . we have our minutes but never a bad time as we live in a very small community and kids/grandkids live within 7 miles of us so like never going out because everyone know everyone and their vehicle so no going out of house at all just house bound girl which is not all bad . Just you joining us here is a big plus in all our books . So good luck to you and Melanie with her counseling and with you as a special woman please stay here and in touch with us and have you told Melanie you joined here?? if she needs to chat same as you girlfriend please pm me or any of these lovely ladies here and ask all the questions you want . Again nice to meet you and good luck
Stephanie Bass
Thank you! Yes, He is actually the one who convinced me to join this community and I was very hesitant at first, but I feel like it has already been a great help and has opened up many channels of discussion between us. I’m not quite ready to cohabitate with Melanie yet, may never be able to get there honestly, but I’m no longer screaming obscenities about her either and I feel like that’s progress 🙂 I’m glad to hear that you and your wife have such a good grasp on this. You could give us all some tips!
Welcome, Nicole. Thanks for sharing your story. I can’t imagine the challenges that you and other wives and girlfriends of CDs face. However, I am confident that, if we all keep our minds open and are willing to talk and listen, everyone will get along better.
Hi Nicole and welcome – well done for taking the steps you have taken so far, and also for registering here.
You will see some of my posts on the Wives section and while I’m comfortable being around Penny Jay it was not an overnight thing and has taken me many years (without realising ) to get to this point.
Would the counsellor Melanie sees see you as well? Are they specialist in this area as that may help.
Can I also recommend the book Living with Crossdressing – defining a new normal by Savannah Haulk (for both of you to read) as it really helped both of us to understand, learn and grow.
Melanie sounds like she is trying to understand your wishes and working together I’m sure you will find your balance.
Hi nicole. It’s good to see a SO trying to understand what her partner is going through. It sounds like you are both doing the right things that work for the both of you! The only warning I can add at this time is if you tell him you are willing to try something new, like going out to a place and he gets overly excited and does something that you think is over the top, that your not ready for, don’t over react. Nicely let him know your not comfortable with that at this time.
Sandy
You hit the nail on the head there lol. Going out with him is my number one stressor because he and I have gone shopping and if his energy gets too high I have a tendency to cry. He’s doing a great job of listening when I tell him I’m getting overwhelmed and last time we went shopping I only had one small, uncomfortable moment. That’s progress! I don’t forsee us ever going out together while he’s dressed up though. I’m not comfortable with that and he has a bunch of girl friends that will do that with him on a regular basis in a neighboring state. We’re comfortable with that compromise.
Nicole Welcome , this is certainly the place you’ll find many of the answers you are seeking. For you it would be extremely difficult time indeed. Most of us are just normal heterosexual men who love to experience what women can but normally prohibited by societal pressures about gender steeeotypes. We just want to try what you can freely experience if you want, make up, a far more interesting range of clothing and accessories, wonderful fabrics and colours. Maybe we want to try something different from the normally ‘drab’ options we have in menswear, shoes etc.
He has probably kept it a secret as he is terrified he would lose you if you found out. Had you known when you were dating would it have adversely affected your opinion of him. And the longer the secret is carried on the harder it is to admit it. He was maybe also afraid you would question his sexuality, think of him as less of a man, something which hurts. For me, and many others, perhaps your husband included it is only looking different for a bit, to stand out, enjoy experiencing new things. I think I look fab when dressed, others may disagree but it’s good for my soul. Perhaps like a hobby or addiction, not trying to play down the angst you are feeling but there are worse addictions to have. Make sure that this is something you can deal with. If not, you need to make that clear and be honest with him and yourself. Just talk with him and find out how far he wants to take his cding. For him: How far does he intend/desire/need to take this to feel happy? Some men are content just “underdressing”, that is having the feel of something soft and feminine against their skin under their regular clothes. Some men want the whole outfit — undergarments, skirt/blouse or dress, whatever. Some men want to just briefly visit the total world of womanhood by adding the fake breasts, makeup, wig, etc. Some separate their “girl” time from the rest of their day by also going by a female-sounding name. Of those, some are perfectly fine (or even prefer) just staying home to do this, but others need to feel validated by attempting to pass in public and meet up with fellow part-time girls.When you really can’t bear the sight of him in femme mode around the house, you can agree to give him specific days when he can do whatever he wants while she’s away from the house, but the rest of the time he agrees to be the man she married.
You get the idea. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. And nothing is set in stone. If you’re not comfortable with it, over time your boundaries may move. The important thing here is transparency: Once you’ve agreed to the boundaries, it’s on him to stick to what you agreed to until you’re ready to move on. I have absolutely no tolerance or sympathy for men who lie to their wives. Once that foundation of trust is demolished, it can take a lifetime to build it back up.
As a dress-wearing husband to an understanding wife, I thank you for taking this step to understand your man’s needs. Best to you both as to where this journey will becomeStephanie 🌹
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