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Hi everyone. My name is Amber & this is the first time that I have enrolled to a site for crossdressers. I finally figured out that my inner women is dying to be let out. I can’t hide it for much longer. I’ve been hiding this for a very long time now, but lately the feeling have been alot stronger to dress up. The only BIG problem is that I don’t know how to tell my wife. I can’t even begin to find the right angle or words to express to her the feelings I have about what crossdressing means to me. So before I drop a bomb on her I was hoping to connect with anyone that has been in the same scenario. Your words & wisdom might help me to sort this out somehow. I’m not sure how she will react but I know she is very loving & supportive person. I’m just really scared of the unknown. I hope you are all keeping safe & I can’t wait to meet some amazing new friends. Thank for taking the time to even read this.
Love ❤️ Amber.
Hi Amber, I just came out to my wife about my CD secret in July, a month before our 40th anniversary. Needless to say that one was not our best! I hadn’t consulted with a gender therapist yet, but would within two weeks. I wrote a “letter” to outline all I wanted to say and sat her down when we couldn’t put off the talk any longer. It has been a rough couple of years before this anyway, but we had been making some progress with our couple therapist. I could not bring myself to say oiut loud what was really bothering me.
My wife was at first extrmemly empathetic. But she wanted to see everything and know everything up front. I was happy to shed all the secrets. I had taken some selfies (for me only – didn’t intend to post them anywhere) and had a good stash of clothes including breats forms, a breast plate, and some “vagina” briefs. It was too much to handle. After a couple of days, she realized all the time and energy put into that when I wasn’t putting the same attention to her and us. So she became very resentful and angry. She asked me if I wanted to be a woman. Since that is not genetically possible, I answered no but that I always wondered what it would feel like to have real breasts and be able to go out AS a woman.
She agreed this isn’t something I can control and a couple of months later, through our talks and therapy I realized I need to transition at least with hormone therapy. So a second shock wave has rocked us.
All that is to say: find time and space for a long, painful conversation. And there will be a lot more tough conversations to follow. If you need to, use a “script” to keep a linear explanation. Assure her you are not going anywhere (assuming you want to stay), assure her she is enough woman for you and this isn’t a way to “get something” she isn’t giving you, assure her you aren’t gay.
If you aren’t sure about transitioning in the future, tell her that you are confused about that. Trying to ease into it by little bits, and waiting to drop the transition bomb later will only torture her and leave her feeling like she can’t trust anything you tell her. Do not expect her to be interested or excited about it. It’s possible, but most times that is the fantasy we have in our minds. She will believe she is losing her husband and her idea of marriage.
Get couple counseling from a qualified therapist that has experience with CDs and TGs. I highly recommend haing your own therapist (also experienced with CDs and TGs) b/c the marriage couselor’s first goal is to save the marriage, whereas the individual therapist’s first goal is to save YOU. You will get different advice, possibly conflicting, from each. But it helps put your feelings about crossdressing and the marriage in perspective. At least that’s what it has done for me.
Sorry this is so long, but you did ask (giggle)! We’re day to day now and in separate bedrooms for a while. If my wife never warms up to me as looking more like a woman, she may still opt out. I don’t want that, but I can’t blame her either.
Hugs,
Brie
Hi Brie
I just want to thank you for your reply. I’m taking a lot away from what you have said. I think the best way for me is to get therapy for myself first. This way I can sort out what is going through head & this might make my path clearer. At that point it may be time to the cat out of the bag. I love my wife deeply & the last thing I want to do is heart her. Bit I know I can’t hide this for ever. I hope things will work out for the best in the long run. Àgain thanks you so much. I will be reading through articles & post here to see what else may help me move forward. Chay soon.
Love Amber ❤️ ❤️.
That would be a very hard question to answer seeing as how I don’t know you or your wife and how close a relationship you both have. My first question to you is, does she have any idea or suspicions of your dressing or desire to dress? Have you ever worn any lingerie that she may know of, like panties or nylons?
My wife discovered my crossdressing when I accidently left one of my nighties in the dryer. She freaked out because she thought I was cheating on her. It was a huge relief for her to find out about my crossdressing than to have found out I had a secret girlfriend that came over and left her nightie there.
It was very difficult to open up to her about it and even harder for her to digest it. I took it in baby steps. I first led her to believe it was just a nylon fetish. After she accepted that and was even sweet enough to sew me some nightshirts out of nylon I then had to admit to her that there was more to it than just the fabric. I told her I really wanted to wear feminine nightgowns. This in time led to wearing panties full time and she would even buy them for me.
I can’t begin to tell you how important it is to let her in on it slowly. After my wife was use to me wearing lingerie and was as accepting of it as could be expected I then started to discuss with her about my feelings of femininity. Not an easy subject to bring up but I would hint at it usually when we were being very intimate. I always felt much more comfortable talking about it when I was wearing lingerie and knew she was accepting of that.
In time everything came out and I was relieved to have no more secrets. She now knows everything about me and my feminine side. I won’t lie to you. She does accept it and we still have a very loving relationship but that doesn’t mean I walk around in a dress openly whenever the mood strikes me. She accepts it but is not really interested in having any part in it.
Also I should tell you what helped was I was willing to go to consoling and we had a number of seasons together which helped her understand as well. The counselor was very good at reassuring her I was not gay or transexual. I’m simply just a crossdresser with a strong feminine side that at times I feel the need to express.
I think once your wife can begin to see it in the proper perspective and realize it’s just a part of who you are and not all of who you are, she will be more tolerant. It also helps to maybe give her some reading material on the subject. There are a lot of good books on the subject. You are by far not the only husband in the world that likes to crossdress. “The Crossdresser and His Wife” by Peggy Rudde is a good book. she has another good one I shared with my wife “My Husband Wears My Clothes”
It’s a long road but very rewarding in the end. If you take the right steps it will all work out and you will still have a happy marriage and you will be able to enjoy your feminine desires as well.
Good luck to you! I hope what I said helps.
I was married once, to a genetic female who claimed to be liberal and open minded. I told her about me wearing women’s clothes and it didn’t go over very well. She got rid of most of really feminine clothes so I couldn’t wear them and started sneaking around with “real” men. We eventually got divorced.
Amber,
Break the news to your wife slowly and carefully and answer all her questions. Hopefully she will accept this part of your personality. Good luck to you.
Kerri
Hi Amber,
You have come to the best site for people like us!
I am fortunate to have a spouse that is supportive. I had no idea how to broach this subject, but my wife just LOVES Halloween, and I rarely do any sort of costume for the occasion. One year I decided to dress as a woman and my partner’s clothes and shoes fit so there was little expense in my costume. So I went as Heather and that opened the door to discussions about this topic.
Wishing you the best of luck and welcome to our happy band of girls!
Heather
I probably can’t help with advice on what you should do, but I can definitely suggest things you should not do, based on my own mistakes.
First, don’t try to conceal your interest. If you have a stash of things and have been dressing on the sly, that’s risky.
Second, don’t subject your wife to a steady drip of revelations. She is not a frog in a pot of hot water.
Third, take some get to know yourself before you try to explain yourself to her or anyone else. You may not know exactly what you want or how far you want to go with this, but at least try to figure out where you are in the present.
The biggest mistake I made was to act like I had done something horrible. The most intelligent well thought explanation will not help, If you use the same body language that you would if you had done the most terrible thing you could do.
Have zero expectations of her acceptance. It will help to be ready for that up front so that when she doesn’t jump on board you don’t retaliate and ruin your chance to have her change her mind later.
Don’t push to hard. Remember that you are bringing another challenge into your marriage. That is not something any young girl ever grew up dreaming of having their Prince Charming tell them some day.
A thought from someone with no experience or personal insights. Perhaps watch a film with her where the topic is in the film? See what her reactions are?
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cross-dressing_in_film_and_televisionHi Amber, i am a single, but my sister is the first of my family who knows and it took her a couple of weeks before she would talk to me. We have since talked and she has some what accepted me. Went shopping with her and she bought my first skirt and heels. When you feel comfortable enough you will tell her and then it is just hope she accepts the new you. You always have us girls here for you
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