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Hi Rebbeka.
Sadly, the answer is “no”. Well, maybe at some point there was some level of tolerance, but it is been too many years since it is not there anymore.
I’m airways saddened to read of the SOs that are intolerant and unaccepting. My wife is too. She’s occasionally on here (rarely), and always says she feels that the wives who don’t adore or accept it are missing out on an important part of their husband’s lives, as well a a chance to strengthen their relationship. She took some time to accept me when I came out, to reorient some thinking, and to understand that I wasn’t going anywhere, and would still be there for her. Your SO could change position with time, but that’s nearly impossible for any of us to know. You know them best. I’d listen to my heart, what does yours say?
Bridgette
Hi Rebekka,
In most cases, a compromise is possible; after all, everyone who stays married has learned how to make compromises. Yours might be a DADT situation, where you keep your CD out of her presence entirely; or have time limits. I began my Talk by stating that CD was something I just had to do, BUT I also wanted to avoid upsetting her if at all possible. I asked what restrictions would be needed in exchange for her permission, and I was pleasantly surprised by the answer. My wife firmly believes it is wrong for a man to wear women’s clothes, but she also accepts the need to get in touch with your feminine side, and has gone shopping and to lunch with Bettylou. Anything short of an ultimatum is a workable solution.
Hugs,
BettylouHere is my experience with this situation.
My fiancé is accepting to a degree. I get to dress around her which I didn’t expect would happen but I’m extremely appreciative of. The compromise part of it is I have to ask for permission to get dressed. She has the power of veto when I do ask. She doesn’t shut me down very often but it does happen. I believe at this point she understands my need to dress and I also understand her need for my male self also. I have also learned when is a good time to dress and when it’s not a good time for her.
I will say this, there are certain parts of dressing that she has no problems with. I.E. : makeup. She likes doing my makeup and if I include her in that part of getting dressed things tend to go better and she seems more at ease with things. So maybe try to find some part of it that your wife may enjoy helping you with.
We are still trying to find the middle area that works best for both of us. It’s a hard task to accomplish as both people are ever evolving individuals. Things are perpetually changing so a clear middle ground seems somewhat unattainable but I do believe that an agreement that suits both is totally achievable.
Good luck in finding what works for the both of you.
Jessica
Rebecca, in my case my ex wife and I could find no middle ground . Even after I explained how important it was to me. Gave her information to read and explained that I would not let it interfere with our daily family life. All I really wanted was the ability to have a panty drawer in our bedroom and the ability to wear them everyday with exception she would have none of it . We went on for twenty plus years with a don’t ask don’t tell policy . Eventually our marriage came to an end , with crossdressing be one of the main reasons. Of course she then outed me to family and friends.
💋Natalie
Hi rebekka Lets all be honest, most of us chose to hide a part of us that needed to be expressed one way or another. We may have wished it would go away after marriage but most of us can attest it does not. In fact it gets more intense as we get older. It has been my experience the more we support and show our love for our SO by just being there for her in times when she needs emotional support. Showing how much she desired in the bedroom. Complimenting her on her choices of clothing or changes on hair color or style. When she feels fully supported and loved by you i believe she maybe willing to compromise on your choices of how you want to express your self. She may even want to help at times. Your SO has to be your priority not the girl in your head. When your SO feels she is in competition or her needs are being ignored why would she want to compromise?. Most of us want our needs to be cared for first because they are so important to us. When your SO feels truly loved and supported as the only woman in your life. Then and only then maybe the time for a discussion about compromise about how you would like to express our self. If she decides she still does not want any part of it then you have decisions to make. You can continue to hide and deny those feelings and live a life of secrecy as lot do here or find a in person outlet where you can share that part of you that is so special. Ladies. the desire to express your self in the feminine does not go away it is just apart of you that needs attention and has to be accepted firstly by you and hopefully by your chosen partner in life.
Luv Stephanie
While I have had my wife’s love and support from the moment of disclosure (after nearly 9 years of marriage and 20 years of denial to myself), I know that my wife still has her struggles. As such, she has always had the ability to play the Card whenever she needs her husband, the man she married. She knows this, and has used it on few occasions without question or argument from me.
She has also surprised me when I expected her to desire her husband. On one anniversary, I had just finished dinner when she got home from work. It is our tradition that I make us a plated dinner on our anniversary. In 13 years, I have yet to repeat, and only missed last summer because of Covid issues. However, I digress. Expecting her to prefer her husband, I told her to give me a few minutes to change as I was wearing my black and white gingham sundress. She said it didn’t matter and that I looked nice. It was a great anniversary dinner. To further paint the picture, I do not present as a woman (never a wig, and rarely makeup) regardless of the clothing that I may be wearing.
MacKenzie Alexandra
Our compromise seems to be that I CD away from the family…
I say “seems to be”, because we do have costume parties occasionally, and she has been giving me female roles, which, of course, involves me CDing in front of both family and her friends, as the parties we have are organised by her and invariably include all of her old school chums…
Mine is not to reason why…
But time out for dressing works pretty well – I get an entire day and night as Laura, which is spiritually regenerating, as well as a whole lot of fun, and great for improving my almost non-existent social skills.
Love Laura
I told my wife when we married almost 40 years ago after she found a woman’s name and phone # in my wallet. It was another CDs info. This fall we will be married 50 years. She has not seen me dressed except for a couple of Halloween parties prior to me telling her. We have a large family who I love very much. Balance is the keyword in my life. I have experienced many great times as Terri. If thinks had been different I probably would have transitioned. I was going to tell my children right before the pandemic. I’m glad I didn’t. I know my wife will never have anything to do with my femme side. I have seen therapists which helped me years ago.
Yours TerriWhen my ex-wife discovered my secret, she demanded I stop completely. Further, she insisted on “fixing” me. It was awful. Needless to say things went badly. In hindsight, I was lucky to get out of that toxic relationship relatively unscathed.
I came out to my current girlfriend after we’d been together 7 years. I felt pretty confident that she’d handle it better than my ex, and she did. We’re still together 5 years later. She acknowledges this is who I am. She’s tolerant but not very accepting. Our arrangement leaves a lot to be desired.
My girlfriend refuses to talk. When I try she shuts me down. She doesn’t want to see me dressed. And she doesn’t want to see my things. But she’s okay with me taking trips every few weeks. She just doesn’t want to know the details. The trips were working for a while. Then Covid hit. The last year has been tough.
Complicating things – I now identify as trans. I need to live more openly. I don’t see that happening until I get a place of my own.
So yeah, there’s not much room for compromise in my situation. It’s the last time I’ll let this happen. If there’s a next time – full disclosure right away. Take it or leave it.
YMMV.
Hugs, Emily
Rebekka…
I have only today realised how much grieving both my wife an I must do for out lost/dead selves! My wife was in a turmoil today as she hadn’t yet been able to grieve for the she, she lost her after her sub-arachnoid haemorrhage seven years ago… and for the husband she lost to transitioning!
I, on the other hand, hadn’t realised I’ve yet to grieve for the man I was! That man is dead and out of the ashes of the pyre… came Polly! We all have a lot of grieving to do so it I vitally important to do your due diligence and… GRIEVE!Hey Rebekka,
I found middle ground that is very stable under foot. When I first came out to my wife she was heavily against my dressing. However, time and a lot of communication have changed that. Hell, she’s painted my toenails, picked out leggings and shoes for me and even bought me a sexy nightie.
Time + communication = a healthy relationship.
I wish you nothing but the best!
Love and Kisses,
Eona 💖
When I told my wife almost 40 years ago she was absolutely shocked. We were married almost 10 years and had 3 children. I had been going to CD parties and had met some very nice people. At my wife’s request I saw the pastor of our church. My wife is a very strong catholic. The pastor told me that it was not a sin and that Jesus loved me. And that it was something between you and your wife. This helped my wife some. I introduced her to a few of my friends and their wives. She said they were very nice people, but she couldn’t have anything to do with Terri. I tried to stop and started to drink more and almost committed suicide. I saw a psychologist and she gave me a lot of insight of who I am. We ended up having 2 more children. We have 8 beautiful grandchildren. I get out as Terri when I can. It’s not perfect but its working. She still hasn’t seen me dressed except for a picture. She didn’t like it. But we work things out.
TerriOh, sweetie. I almost don’t want to tell you about my situation. I am one of the lucky ones. Many years ago I asked my wife if I could underdress. She had no problem but the only condition was that she wanted me to wear masculine underwear when we were going to be intimate. Easy enough.
When I asked her if I could crossdress, her only restriction was that she didn’t want to go out with me while I was dressed. Again, easy. Now that she has had lots of time to get used to me being dressed, she has suggested recently that she would go out with me in certain situations. I didn’t bring it up. That was all her.
I have to add that I eased her into seeing me dressed. Three weeks of heels while wearing drab. Then, I added some skirts with my usual guy tees. Even when I started going all out, I kept my beard and always wore a ball cap (she likes me in a ball cap). The exceptions were when I practiced makeup or was actually going out and she would see me as I was getting ready and on my way out.
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