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One needs to find a ways to keep friendship / intimacy / romance alive. One book my wife and I found incredibly helpful was the “5 love languages of a married couple.”
It breaks down there are basically 5 ways that predominantly tick our boxes.
- Encouraging words.
- Qualtity time.
- Acts of service.
- Gifts.
- Touch.
Because one of these traits is the predominant way we operate, we automatically assume, thats how we love our S.O.
And if we are different, the dance of frustration increases. Someone might operate out of quality time..but your bent is acts of service. You wash, clean, mow cook, paint, provide, shop, rearrange the room etal and your partner really wants a back rub – and you get peeved that your actions didn’t impress them…
Sometimes there is an overlap of two languages, that seem to merge.
Touch and quality time. Words of encouragement and quality time for example. But it could be that insteading of speaking an encouraging word to fix something, your SO operating out of quality time needs you to ‘shut up, stop doing, ‘ and listen without interrupting.
In otherwords. The key is to love your SO not as you want to be loved. But to love them as they need to be.
Tying this into cding. It can be extremely self centered. Its all about me. A key to a good relationship is to discover what makes our SO tick. And of course, them understanding us.
I highly reccomend the various books on the subject by Gary Chapman. It’s helped created a very strong core foundation for our marriage.
And it may take years, decades of trying all the above only to find there was indeed something else they would’ve wanted you to do/understand! Or maybe not… My wife keeps saying that the happiness she sees in my eyes is enough of a spur to push on and dive deeper! I give her all the space she requests, I listen… and learn all the time.
Polly xxx
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